It's especially difficult for working parents today. The feeling of guilt that inevitably arises whenever you have to part with your child for the whole day is exacerbated in such situations. How can we calm ourselves down and should we do it? Who can you trust with your most precious possession?

Parents often find themselves hostages. Giving their treasure to the care of other people: teachers, educators, doctors, nannies - adults are reluctantly forced to trust and hope for the best. Parental anxiety and guilt for leaving our child with strangers is natural. I had to deal with various frightening stories: when nannies turned out to be thieves or alcoholics, which led to various unpleasant consequences when teachers showed cruelty and violence, when children faced harassment even from family members. A camp, school, hospital, kindergarten, dacha, and even your own home become the epicenter of dangerous and tragic events for a child.

You can force professionals working with children to collect a hundred certificates of sanity and non-conviction. This is unlikely to protect children, but it will definitely cut off romantics and ideological educators, who are often alien to any bureaucracy. You can not trust your child to anyone, keep him with you, thereby depriving yourself and his opportunity to fully live and develop for the sake of maybe a little more security.

Remembering the nannies and teachers of my children, I think that the best of them were those who seemed strange at first glance. They did not hide behind the guise of social desirability their positions and views, interests, they did not try to please in everything - they allowed themselves to be themselves, frank. This (of course, if their “oddities” do not go beyond the bounds of reason) allows you to better understand what to expect from a person. Although no one can guarantee in all situations, parents always have the following means of reducing anxiety:

Intuition and attention to what is happening;

Trust in your own child;

Open relationships with clearly defined rules and boundaries;

Courage and certainty is that parents are customers, trustees, and not hostages. This very feeling of being caught, of powerlessness is a cause for anxiety;

Cooperation and mutual support with those who take upon themselves difficult work on raising and nurturing our children.

Firstly, most mothers still check their nannies for adequacy. Secondly, I think (you can check the statistics), damage with self-harm or murder is much more often committed by the parents themselves than by nannies, if only because the parent more often gets into a strong state of passion, because his relationship with the child is very close and important. The relationship with the nanny is more detached, protected by the role, and there are more opportunities not to drive oneself to the point of passion.

Which nannies should you be wary of? A very restrained nanny - she gets used to restraining her feelings very much, and it is more likely that later her passion may break out when she gets into a stressful state. “As if” a very positive nanny is the same: this means she restrains the natural irritation that always manifests itself towards a child when he does not obey or is naughty. A nanny with big problems in her own life, a nanny who is used to suffering (if you underpay her or often let her down, and she doesn’t even get indignant) - there is a possibility that she will sharply move from a masochistic (suffering) position to a sadistic one. Which nanny should inspire more confidence? A nanny with good boundaries, with her own interest (to earn money normally), with love for children, but not the desire to “adopt” your child, with flexible emotionality, and normal reactions will be quite adequate.

You can probably look for a nanny in agencies, if they are somehow tested there, based on friends and recommendations. And, of course, talk yourself.

The situation is really scary. On the one hand, we all walk under God, anything can happen to any of us, anywhere. We can walk down the street and we will meet a person who has now suddenly gone crazy. Or we could be hit by a car driven by a completely sane person. Anything can happen, and in this case the event is definitely an accident. A monstrous coincidence of circumstances. It is impossible to predict everything.

On the other hand, entrusting a child to someone is the biggest risk any parent can take. When we send our child to kindergarten or school, we also take risks. But in this case, some minimum guarantee may be the fame of the teacher or educator, or the reputation of the place where we send the child. Nannies are a much greater risk, because no matter how good a person may seem, he can cause harm - and for this he does not have to be extremely bad or completely crazy. This person may simply be, excuse me, an inattentive “mug.” Yawn at the wrong time and miss the baby. After all, very often people are simply taken from the street without checking in any way.

The risk can only be reduced by training of nannies, their certification, and strict certification of agencies that employ nannies.

Training is not something academic and long. Nevertheless, it should be there. In England, older women, having retired and wanting to do something for themselves, go to work in hippotherapy centers. No matter how kind and wonderful they are, no one will allow them to work with children - especially those with special needs in their health and development - without training. Let me note that we are not even talking about working as hippotherapists, but about the position of assistant therapists. They undergo training for several weeks, then pass an exam, and only then are they allowed to work.

Over the twenty years of the center’s operation, many parents have contacted us who needed to train a woman with whom they had agreed to care for a child with autism. We interact with such candidates for quite a long time, include them as observers, first in group lessons, then in individual ones, we look at how the nanny reacts to the child, whether her reactions are adequate to the child’s behavior. Children with autism can sometimes bite and hit; the nanny needs to be prepared for this and react calmly. Only after several weeks of training and observing the nanny can we tell parents - yes, the nanny is suitable, she can be with your child. And that's right! Nannies must take courses, must pass exams, and must be observed for some time in a team by experienced teachers and psychologists. And in an amicable way, yes, they should receive a certificate from a psychoneurological dispensary.

Of course, certified nannies will cost more. But the degree of risk is monstrous! How can I console my parents now? Can we tell everyone else: don't worry, this is an isolated incident? Alas, no. We need to understand what we are risking - the most precious thing, our own children.

I am categorically against “wild” nannies, no matter how good they may seem. If you hire such a nanny, do not hesitate to install cameras - just warn the nanny in advance, this is required by law: we are worried, don’t get us wrong, but there will be video surveillance at home. If the nanny is not satisfied with such conditions, look for another one.

How to control the work of a nanny?

You picked good man who is looking after the baby, but doubts and suspicions still creep in?

Try to supervise the nanny's work. If you are sure that this method will help you verify the professionalism of the person selected to care for your child, then go for it! But be prepared for disappointments too.

Hidden cameras

This is one of the most common methods of monitoring a nanny. It has several advantages:

You will know at any time what the nanny and the child are doing;
- you can write data to disk and prove the incompetence of the hired person;
- you will be 100% confident in the accuracy of the information.

But in this method of control there is also flaws . For example, the high price of a good video camera and a dishonest way to control the work of a nanny.

If you still decide to buy hidden camera, better notify the nanny immediately about your decision. Knowing that she is being watched, she will do her job to the best of her ability. In addition, having told about the method of control, you will establish with her trusting relationship, which is very important for further successful cooperation.

If you don't tell the nanny about the video camera, the situation may not turn out very well. For example, she will turn out to be an excellent professional, but, having learned about secret surveillance, she may refuse to work for you.

Element of surprise

If you decide to give up the idea of ​​getting a video camera, try a simpler one, but no less effective way. Try to return home not in the evening, as usual, but at the height of the working day.

For example, at exactly 15.00 the nanny should put the baby to bed. Come home right at this time and see if the child is sleeping and what the nanny is doing at this time . If the baby is in the “arms of Morpheus” and the nanny is not sitting idle, rest assured: you have found a good employee. But if during a visit home your child is still not sleeping, but is having fun with himself, this is where it’s time to be wary. Warn the nanny: several such cases - and she will be fired .

Remember: you can control the work of a nanny only at the initial stage of work, when she has just got a job, if you do not want to lose her

How to control the work of a nanny if you are constantly in the office? If it is not possible to carry out such checks yourself due to a busy work schedule, ask neighbors, family or friends to help in this matter. Rest assured: this method of control will definitely help you get to the truth.

Shared my experience and top, which itself acted as a controlled one: " When, at the age of 18, I took my first 1st grade in my life, my mother told me: remember, as soon as you opened your mouth, the cassette started. Think what you say, what you do. Now I give private lessons, I always remember my mother’s words. So turn it on, record it, enjoy! The main thing is not to know about it, so as not to be distracted."

Doctor of Medical Sciences, psychiatrist and criminologist Mikhail Vinogradov. Photo from the site kp.ru

A crazy, terrible incident with a nanny and a child that occurred in Moscow on Monday, February 29, shocked everyone. Why did this happen? Doctor of Medical Sciences, psychiatrist and criminologist Mikhail Vinogradov believes that the cause of Gulchehra Bobokulova’s clouding of mind could be drugs or alcohol, or psychological abnormalities. Although this is surprising: according to some reports, Gulchehra worked for Nastya’s parents for three years. And they were happy. Should we assume that the cause of the trouble was the national or religious affiliation of the Uzbek nanny? Chairman of the Council of the Uzbek National-Cultural Autonomy of the capital Khabib Abdullaev on the radio “Moscow Speaks” he already noted that one should not connect the murder of a child with the nationality of the nanny. In addition, among Uzbeks, killings of children are generally extremely rare; this nation loves children. Our readers also write to us that a person’s nationality cannot in any way become the cause of such a tragedy.

Chairman of the Council of the Uzbek National-Cultural Autonomy of the capital Habib Abdullayev. Photo from lenta.ru

But how can you be sure that the person you let into your apartment and leave alone with your child is worthy of your trust? We tried to find answers to this question.

“I may have been lucky. I immediately believed her. I gave her the child and went about my business.”

Mothers trust their instincts when choosing nannies. Most nannies currently working for families in Moscow are found by parents not through recruitment agencies, but through acquaintances or advertisements.

A nanny is one of the important personalities in the life of a modern family. Very often you cannot do without such an assistant in the house. And sometimes you need to find a nanny urgently. Not every family goes to a recruitment agency. Some people have no time, others save money. Most often, nannies are chosen through advertisements on the Internet, through acquaintances, or even by simply hanging paper advertisements on poles in their own area.

“Literally yesterday I met with new candidates for the position of nanny. - says Maria, writer, journalist, - She even brought me an article about herself in the Gardener magazine - she is interested in floriculture. A biography says a lot about a person. I always talk for a long time with a potential nanny, trying to get to know the person. I liked this woman."

According to Maria, it is necessary to check the passport of a potential nanny and ask for medical certificates. Another important indicator for Maria is her daughter, 6-year-old Vika: if she does not make contact, this is a reason to think that something is wrong.

“I think it’s also worth making inquiries on the Internet. You can also go to the nanny’s house - this is good when the nanny lives nearby. Look at how she lives, who her household members are,” advises Maria. “But it’s probably impossible to play it safe.” After all, some kind of psychosis can happen to a relative. I have many friends who are psychologists; for example, I would probably go for a diagnosis without advertising this point: just so that my friend would look at the nanny’s behavior, not to mention her specialty.”

“When the child turned 2 years old, he had to go to work. Then, 12 years ago, the Internet was not as developed as it is now. But I found a nanny agency. At that time, I paid 1 thousand rubles for selecting candidates,” Elena, a journalist, recalls her experience. – Three candidates were presented to me, and I interviewed each one separately in the office. One woman spoke Russian poorly, with mistakes. The second was ingratiatingly kind, such a classic nanny. I was guided by my inner feelings, whether I liked him or not. I also doubted the second person; it was obvious that she was looking for a job just for the money. And the third candidate came to the meeting with her daughter, about 7 years old, and I liked her. She said that she also has an older son, that she is from the village, a teacher herself, but cannot find a job in Moscow. You can immediately see a lot about a person: she had kind eyes and pleasant manners. And I chose her. She looked after my daughter for two years. We are still friends. My daughter is now 14 years old.”

Later, when Elena’s daughter’s first nanny found a job in her specialty—as a school teacher—Elena started searching again. She found the next nanny simply through an advertisement - she hung up a handwritten appeal in the surrounding houses. “Only one woman responded. We met. She was about 65 years old at the time, but she was very active, such a motor. I may have been lucky. I immediately believed her. I gave her the child and went about my business.”

According to Elena, your intuition decides a lot: you trust someone, but someone you wouldn’t even let hold a child in their hands. “Many of my friends also choose a nanny from an advertisement. They are afraid, but they trust.”

Elena admits that she would never risk choosing a nanny from Central Asia. “National clothes, another culture, alien to us. What level of education there is is also unknown. They have their own way of life, which is not very clear and close to us. I read that this nanny who committed this horrific act yesterday was wearing Muslim clothes, and it is strange that the parents chose such a nanny when there are so many Russian people around looking for work. That would worry me."

Should you trust your choice or turn to recruitment agencies? Many parents doubt that agencies will be able to choose a nanny better than themselves. “I had experience using an agency. But agents also cannot get into a person’s soul. How thoroughly do they check them?” – Elena doubts.

Successful agency: “We screen out 95 out of 100 candidates”

If 10-15 years ago agencies for selecting nannies for families were, in general, a rarity, and it was dangerous to trust them, today they are mostly reputable companies with extensive experience and a large data bank, these companies can help parents make the right choice.

Valentin Grogol, director of the international domestic staff recruitment agency EnglishNanny

“Of course, it is imperative to check a person’s history. View his passport, diploma, find out where and how he grew up. Find out everything about work experience. A good nanny should have recommendations. And you don’t just have to look at them, you need to talk to these people, to the families where the nanny worked before,” advises Valentin Grogol, director of the international domestic staff recruitment agency English Nanny. This company has been operating on the international market for more than 30 years.

It is advisable, notes Valentin Grogol, for a person who has experience communicating with such personnel, or a psychologist, to talk to the nanny. Those oddities that are on the surface will be immediately visible to a specialist. “Of course, we require a medical book, a certificate from a drug dispensary. Now, I think it’s better to send potential nannies to a psychologist or psychiatrist.” By the way, Valentin advises, if you do not believe the certificates that the nanny brings, then the easiest way is to send the applicant to your own trusted doctors. Even if you pay money for it. But this best way play it safe and make sure that the nanny’s health – both physical and mental – is okay.

“We have two psychologists working in our agency. We conduct a very thorough interview. These are tests, with pictures, with questionnaires, with questions. By the way, a person manifests himself in any case within one and a half to two hours. Even regardless of the answers. For example, if a person is nervous or indignant at the check, this is already a beacon. The psychologist notes such things,” says Valentin. Well, if a potential applicant does not want to be interviewed by a psychologist at all, the agency will not work with him further. “Some families even test nannies with a polygraph. We also have a polygraph - and the nanny can take it on a voluntary basis. But working with a psychologist is mandatory for us.”

Valentin Grogol advises that former employers of the nanny also communicate with a psychologist. This will help weed out cases where nannies provide fake recommendations. After all, applicants often ask their friends and acquaintances to introduce themselves as their former employers. This can be opened. “When you talk to a person in detail, checking references, the deception will come to light. It is hardly possible to thoroughly train a person so that he can speak so smoothly. Therefore, it is advisable that the conversation with those who gave the nanny recommendations be conducted by a professional - a psychologist or psychiatrist. They recognize lies immediately.”

Valentin notes that many inadequate people also come to agencies and try to get a job. That is why professional screening is important.

In Valentin Grogol's company, many initial candidates are eliminated. “Therefore, the agency is still an additional guarantee. Out of about 100 applicants, about 5 people remain at the exit. The first screening occurs already at the stage of submitting documents to us. People come to us from Ukraine and Uzbekistan. Perhaps they good nannies, but we filter them out not by nationality, but because we cannot verify them. No necessary documents, there are often no recommendations.”

Should you choose a nanny based on nationality or religion? And do parents have such requirements? Valentin Grogol notes that the nanny’s religion is a personal aspect. Moms and dads don't always pay attention to this. “We employ 95 percent Christians, but there are also Muslims. Nannies are rarely chosen based on religion. But sometimes parents wish that the nanny not be a Muslim.”

The most frequent contingent of nannies for whom there is a demand are residents of Moscow, St. Petersburg and Nizhny Novgorod. The middle class still asks for Filipino nannies. “But such a nanny is sought more often by those parents who want to give their child knowledge English language, but there’s not enough money for an Englishwoman. But more often, Filipinos are hired to do domestic work.”

As you understand, this is professional advice for very wealthy families.

“Parents won’t be able to spot a psychopath themselves.”

Sergey Enikolopov, Candidate of Psychological Sciences, Head of the Medical Psychology Department of the Scientific Center mental health RAMS, Head of the Department of Criminal Psychology, Faculty of Legal Psychology, Moscow City Psychological and Pedagogical University. Photo from the site polit.ru

It is impossible for parents choosing a nanny to understand whether a person has aggression or psychological abnormalities, I am convinced Sergey Enikolopov, candidate of psychological sciences, head of the department of medical psychology of the Scientific Center for Mental Health of the Russian Academy of Medical Sciences, head of the department of criminal psychology of the faculty of legal psychology of the Moscow City Psychological and Pedagogical University, specialist on the topic of aggression and violence.

Recommendation from a psychologist: carefully study the recommendations. “Talk to those who had a nanny before you. For some reason, most people here are focused on whether the nanny steals or doesn’t steal. How reliable is it? But few people pay attention to how irritable a potential nanny is in ordinary everyday situations. And not only in behavioral reactions, but also in verbal ones - curses, rudeness, and so on. How she communicates with parents, how she communicates with the child. You need to understand that people can be aggressive.”

Parents themselves will not be able to determine more complex moments in the human psyche. You can’t predict in advance whether such an acute psychosis can occur in a person who works for you, explains Sergei Enikolopov.

The specialist does not connect Bobokulova’s behavior with some of our general complex state of society, with politics. “This is an acute psychosis that can develop instantly. Even if she allegedly shouted “Allahu Akbar!” and so on - this is clearly inspired by what we see on TV.

In general, a TV broadcaster or journalist often doesn’t think that a crazy person can read something, watch something, and do the same thing, go, for example, and kill someone. Written texts do not have such an impact, but visual images- have a very strong influence. It’s not for nothing that Rospotrebsoyuz, although sometimes it goes overboard by putting 16+ or 18+ labels on some programs, is still the right line - the department protects society from the harm that this or that information can cause.

Journalists think: all people are like us. But few people think about what can go on in the head of a madman.

And the fact that yesterday federal channels did not report this terrible news is correct. There is news that needs to be reported, but with restraint.”

Document your relationship with your nanny and communicate more with your child.

Pavel Ivchenkov, lawyer at Delovoy Farvater

“The safest way to look for a nanny is through a staffing agency. Moreover, it is worth choosing a well-established agency that has been on the market for several years, believes Pavel Ivchenkov, lawyer at Delovoy Farvater company. – Agencies usually check their nannies well. It is from them that you can find out about the nanny’s past, her work experience, medical condition, criminal record, and so on.”

But what if the nanny is not hired through an agency, but is sought personally? It is almost impossible to reliably check her on your own (unless, of course, you have friends in the police, prosecutor’s office, and so on, who can check the nanny using their databases), emphasizes Pavel Ivchenkov.

“Currently there are no publicly accessible databases in which citizens themselves can check the people they hire. In this case, you need to ask the nanny candidate to bring a certificate of no criminal record, and also ask to bring certificates of absence of drug and alcohol addiction. The certificates must be recent (maximum a few weeks old) and stamped.”

The lawyer advises that you should definitely contact former employers - and for this, the nanny’s recommendations must contain full contacts of the family for which she previously worked. “It is advisable to go to them in person to check if they are real, talk about the nanny, about her work, ask why she quit,” recommends Pavel Ivchenkov. And he also advises taking the nanny to the psychiatrist in person, if she doesn’t mind paying for this visit.

“In the pursuit of material wealth and attempts to provide for the child best conditions“In life, we very often forget about the little person who needs constant attention from his parents, and we entrust the upbringing to a complete stranger - the nanny,” the lawyer notes. Isabella Atlasskirova, executive director of the regional branch of the public organization of small and medium-sized businesses OPORA of the Kabardino-Balkarian Republic. “Today, nanny services are very important for many parents, and every year the demand for them is only growing.”

Isabella is reminiscent of the story of Eric Kamazi from Uganda, which happened in 2014. A father crippled a nanny who abused his child. A man, having discovered bruises on the body of his little daughter, decided to install a video camera in his house and monitor what the nanny was doing with the child. “When the video came into my father’s hands, he was furious.

The nanny severely beat the girl, threw her to the floor, and even stood on the girl’s back and trampled her. After her parents watched the video, the woman herself found herself in a wheelchair, and her parents had to answer to the police for their actions.

For the little girl (she is now completely healthy), the story, fortunately, ended well. But not for parents and not for nannies. Yesterday's monstrous murder of a little girl in Moscow shocked the entire civilized world. And it’s a shame that we only think about the safety of our children when something terrible happens,” the lawyer emphasizes.

Isabella Atlaskirova, lawyer

If an agency takes part in such a responsible matter, the risk for parents, of course, is significantly reduced, Isabella Atlasskirova is sure. "None recruiting agency will not risk his reputation and hire an untested person without recommendations.”

How to hire a nanny “from the outside”? What exactly to check, and how to draw conclusions about whether it meets your requirements or not? “First of all, you need to pay attention to such basic things as: did the future nanny come to the meeting on time? Did she look clean and tidy? Are you psychologically compatible? – recommends Isabella Atlaskirova. — How well does the baby feel with the nanny? Does the nanny fulfill any requirements of the parents regarding the upbringing and care of the child? Be sure to ask the nanny for a medical book, a certificate from a psychiatrist and psychologist, a certificate with notes from the PND, a dermatovenereologist, a narcologist, the results of fluorography, tests for HIV, hepatitis, RW, work record data, a diploma.”

In addition, you should not neglect such things as a contract with a nanny, the expert advises. “You must remember that the more legally bound you are to her, the less desire the employee has to act unlawfully. It is advisable to have this agreement certified by a notary. Moreover, be sure to include a trial period in the contract. You need to describe in detail the duties, working hours, and be sure to mention the nanny’s responsibility.”

Another point that is often discussed and cannot be reached in any way: is it worth installing CCTV cameras? “The decision on this issue depends only on the desire of the parents to control as much as possible everything that happens to their child. But in any case, you should know that you have every right to install any cameras and voice recorders in your home. At the same time, you are not obliged to notify anyone about this, including your nanny. Although, perhaps, if the nanny knows about the presence of cameras in the house, many situations can be avoided.”

And most importantly, our experts advise, talk to your child. Ask him about how his day went, what he and the nanny did. This information will never be superfluous for you

Not a single child will study if he does not have to take exams, and not a single adult will work if the payment for his work does not at least indirectly depend on the result of his work. Nanny is no exception. Once you hire a reliable employee, you should not delude yourself that he will do his job conscientiously without any control from the employer.

Photo by Getty Images

Million Dollar Actress

Let me give you an example that is etched in my memory. Once I needed to find one outside the Moscow Ring Road sports complex. Outside the city, finding something at an address is much more difficult than on the streets of a metropolis, so I often had to stop the car, turn my head and ask for directions. The search led me to the territory of a closed cottage community, where I noticed a stranger with a little girl. They were walking next to the playground. The little girl shyly asked the woman about something, to which she answered every other time, with irritation, and looked at the girl with cold eyes, almost with hatred.

“Surely this is a nanny, and not a mother or a relative,” I thought and began to watch her. “How can you hate your job so much?”

Suddenly the woman’s phone rang. Mid-sentence, she stopped the dialogue with the baby, took out her mobile phone and answered. Chatting merrily, she moved along the path, and the girl remained standing in the same place, kicking the melted spring snowdrift with her boot. The woman turned around, looked at the girl, waved to her, but she did not react, engrossed in what she was doing. Then the nanny quickly returned, sharply pulled the baby by the hand and dragged the three-year-old child along the road like a sack, without interrupting telephone conversation! I shook my head and moved on.

Photo by Getty Images

Chatting on the phone, the nanny moved on, but the girl remained standing on the road, kicking a snowdrift

About forty minutes later I had to return the same way, and I noticed them again. Just at that moment a beautiful sports car was driving into the village, so that I had to step aside to let the car pass. The sports car was driven by a blonde, and when the nanny saw her, her face changed... Buddha himself would have been jealous of such rapid enlightenment! She smiled at the girl, began to turn her head and show her something in the direction of the forest, squatted down, straightened her cap, then picked up the child in her arms and sang a song about a bear cub. She probably would have started dancing, but at that moment the blonde drove right up to them and rolled down the driver's window. The nanny pretended that only now she noticed her mistress and squealed to the whole village: “Oh! And this is mommy who has arrived!” – and started chattering about how they had a good time on the walk.

I stood spellbound, unable to tear myself away from contemplating the miracle of spiritual transformation, but then the security guard turned to me with a request not to create a traffic jam. And I left, which I still regret to this day. It was necessary, of course, to show parental solidarity and tell the blonde how her child was being treated while she was not looking. I don’t know how the girl’s mother would have reacted, but if I were her, I would only thank the caring passers-by.

Trust and verify

There is probably no employee who behaves the same way in the presence of his boss as he does alone. But for some nannies, the difference in behavior is so great that even I, an experienced person in this matter, feel uneasy. Therefore, it is very important to monitor the work of the nanny. There are many ways of unobtrusive control. This could be a personal check of the day’s work results, a video surveillance system installed in the apartment, or spontaneous visits to places where “Mary Poppins” does not expect to see her parents. The main thing is that you should not watch the nanny in a place where she herself easily understands that she is being watched and plays a role for the public.

There's another one important point which concerns control - watch how the nanny follows the daily routine. Please note that not all employees are able to properly organize their working time. Even with a small number of obligations entrusted to the nanny, you can return home in the evening and see a completely exhausted woman who has not completed half of the planned tasks. It's better to take the planning process into your own hands: make a schedule for your children and post it in a visible place. That's exactly what I did. And when I saw how our nanny was rushing around the house, grabbing at everything and leaving half of the tasks unresolved, I made a schedule for her too. The result was not long in coming: the woman began to spend much less energy, and her “efficiency factor” immediately increased.

Drawing up such a plan will not take much time, but you will get rid of headaches and understand how adequate your requirements for a nanny are. For example, suddenly you, without realizing it, expect her to prepare soup in 15 minutes or have time to take two children to classes that start at the same time, but are located at different addresses. Conversely, the nanny’s complaints that she spent an hour ironing three children’s T-shirts and was very tired will no longer evoke your sympathy.

To summarize, I would like to advise parents to be sure to keep the work of nannies under control, because they are dealing with the most valuable thing we have - our children.

Today, many mothers are looking for a nanny almost from the birth of their child: if you combine motherhood and responsible work, you cannot do without an assistant. Even more often, a child needs a nanny for about a year: up to kindergarten It’s still far away, but mom is either “staying at home” or needs income. Experience shows that when studying tips for finding nannies, mothers often miss the point.

Once a successful businessman came to me for a consultation. We began to discuss issues related to his company, but the conversation very quickly turned into a different direction: the client began to complain about problems with his five-year-old son and said that they were what bothered him most now.

The boy grows up capricious and uncontrollable, throwing tantrums for any reason. He constantly demands his mother's attention, he may start to bite, but having achieved his goal, he immediately loses interest, pushes her away and even becomes rude. His parents can’t take him anywhere with them—he behaves even worse in public. “Whatever we did - we tried with severity and affection, but there was no result. Everyone’s nerves are on edge!”

Over the past year, parents have turned to specialists more than once. But instead of a clear diagnosis and specific treatment recommendations, they were told that the child had an “attachment disorder.” Dad was seriously annoyed and upset: he and his wife tried their best, they spared no money, but what happened?

Mom or nanny?

We “rewinded the film” five years ago and looked at how it all began.

When the baby was born, the parents decided that the mother would continue to spend most of her time in London, where the older daughters were studying - at this age they need parental attention - and the son would remain in Moscow under the supervision of professional nannies.

They were selected carefully, each was strictly instructed. If the nanny was noticed in some kind of misconduct, she was immediately fired. The first nanny was fired for picking up a pacifier from the floor and wiping it on her apron - she was a slob! The second had the audacity to take expired yoghurts from the refrigerator: she saw that they were being thrown away anyway. But the guards noticed this, and as a result, the nanny was expelled in disgrace: “a thief cannot raise our child.” The third was chatting on the phone when it was feeding time; then she explained that she simply did not want to wake the baby, she was waiting for him to wake up, but was fired for neglecting her duties.

So in a year the boy had at least ten nannies. Parents with good intentions, trying to provide the baby with comfort and ideal care, left him in the care of strangers, who, moreover, were constantly changing. In this he was no different from an orphanage pupil.

"Stop! - said the indignant dad. “What is the connection between the orphans of the orphanage and my son, who is surrounded by attention from all sides?”

There is a connection - in both cases, children are deprived of the main thing. What is most important for a child? The answer to this question was a real breakthrough, perhaps the most significant discovery of the twentieth century in the field of child psychology.

Bowlby's Law

After World War II, there were a lot of orphans in Europe. They began to organize children's homes with good care and proper nutrition. It would seem that what else is needed for children to grow up strong and healthy? However, many of them did not live to see a year, were often sick and noticeably lagged behind physically and mental development. The babies' condition deteriorated rapidly: a healthy baby suddenly lost his appetite, stopped smiling, became lethargic, lethargic, and detached.

Experts working on this problem drew attention to the experience of one of the orphanages in Germany, where an amazing nanny worked - we don’t know what this woman’s name was, but she deserves to go down in history. This miracle nanny managed to bring back to life the most stunted, hopeless children, about whom they said: “Well, definitely not a tenant...”. She did it very simply: she tied the child to her and did not part with him for a minute. Whether the nanny was working, having lunch or sleeping, the baby was always nearby. She warmed him with her body, talked to him, spanked him, stroked him, and gradually the child came to life, the ominous symptoms disappeared, and the baby was on the mend.

Observing how the nanny looked after the children, scientists came to the conclusion that it is not enough for a child to be well-fed and well-groomed, just to eat, drink, and sleep. He needs not sterility, not peace and isolation, but love, care and warmth loved one.

Among the first to understand this was an English psychiatrist and psychoanalyst. He created a theory, the essence of which is as follows: a child has a vital need for attachment to one adult who cares about him. For a baby, this attachment is an evolutionarily inherent condition of survival, his biological and psychological protection. Looking at a loved one, seeing his smile, hearing his voice, feeling his caring hands, feeling his warmth - this is the medicine that cured hospitalism (the name given to the disease caused by the separation of a child from his mother and his stay in an orphanage).

Over the past 50 years, psychologists have received a lot of new data about the characteristics, but John Bowlby's theory of attachment remains one of the key ones. But here’s the paradox: for many parents it is still a secret behind seven seals. Let's look at the situation in wealthy families: the mother is constantly absent, and the nannies change one after another.

Some parents fire nannies for any offense. Others are persistently looking for the “ideal nanny.” This constant “rotation” no longer bothers anyone today. Thus, in a prosperous family, a child faces the problems of orphans in an orphanage. He grows up without a strong attachment - a stable, warm relationship with his main adult.

When a loved one is not around

What happens to a child if he is separated from a close adult and there is no way to compensate for this loss?

In 1969, British psychoanalysts James and Joyce Robertson made a documentary about one-and-a-half-year-old baby John, who had to be sent to an orphanage for several days. His mother, with whom he had not separated before, had to go to the hospital to give birth to his second child. He stayed in the “state” institution for nine days, and all this time the camera recorded changes in his behavior and mood.

From a lively, active, cheerful baby, John turned into a withdrawn and whiny one. And this despite his father’s visits, good care and the kindness of the teachers, who tried their best to calm him down, but could not devote all their time to him - there were several other children in the group. When mom finally returned, John did not want to go into her arms, he cried and turned away.

Psychologists have discovered that this behavior is natural. They identified three stages of a child’s response to separation from a loved one (and such a person, of course, can be not only the mother).

Protest. The baby is trying with all his might to bring his mother (nanny) back: crying, shaking, knocking down the bed. He lives in constant tension, cannot sleep, eats poorly, greedily catches at least some sound or movement that speaks of the return of his lost mother. He rejects everyone, does not accept anyone's help or participation: he only needs that one person to whom he has become attached.

Despair. The child begins to get used to the absence of his mother (), withdraws into himself, and does not make contact. He looks sad, quiet, detached.

Alienation. The baby seems to resign himself to the departure of his mother (nanny). He accepts the help of others, and when his close adult returns, he does not show any joy - he behaves with him as if he were a stranger.

If negative experiences drag on - the separation lasts too long and there is no adult capable of fully replacing the mother or beloved nanny, if the situation of the mother leaving and returning or changing nannies is repeated again and again, the baby closes himself off from close relationships - his mental resources are not limitless. The child experiences severe depression and hospitalization. Their symptoms resemble intense melancholy, which overcomes an adult who has lost a loved one.

The baby cannot yet control and regulate his emotions, and they find their expression in physical level- through the body. When a baby is happy, his body opens up, he smiles, and moves his arms and legs animatedly. When sad, nervous or afraid, the body contracts, the shoulders tremble, and tears flow from the eyes. If there is no baby nearby loving person, capable of calming, comforting, returning to a state of comfort, if he lacks affectionate, warm touches, he gets used to being in a clamped and tense state. Gradually, zones of chronic tension arise, which hinder movements, block emotions, and, ultimately, lead to psychosomatic diseases - gastrointestinal disorders, bronchial asthma, neurodermatitis, etc.

But symptoms of hospitalism can persist beyond infancy, and not only at the physiological level. Scientists have come to the conclusion that everything experienced in early childhood, our relationships with adults, our attachments have a significant impact greater influence for the rest of our lives than we can imagine. The early separation of a child from his mother and the lack of sincere, warm relationships are most obviously manifested in the behavior of growing children and in their relationships with others. The diagnosis of “attachment disorder” has long been included in the International Classification of Diseases and has recently become, unfortunately, too common.