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Somehow, by itself, starting the post, the fingers “wanted” to address you - “Friends”!
It happened somehow unconsciously, emotionally, habitually...
But it was about friendship that I wanted to “talk” with you...

Quite often I remember the recommendation of psychologists regarding communication with already “grown-up” children: you need to communicate with them as with friends. That is why, if tension arises in relations with my own dear and beloved children, I always think: what is it like – “like with friends”?

When discussing the topic of friendship, there are 2 questions for me:
1. How do these people, friends, differ from everyone else to me?
2. Why do some people have friends and others don’t... Where does this opportunity “lie” in us – to be friends? Where is the “organ” that is responsible for friendship in our lives?

So, what makes these people different from everyone else for me personally?

First of all, my friends and I have an eventful history. Even if we rarely communicate, we feel a constant need to be in touch, we love spending time together, we want to see each other, we want to tell each other about what worries us! It is interesting that without the risk of being frank, without our complete openness, our meetings would lose their value.
Personally, I can’t live without friends!!! Communication with friends gives me a powerful influx of energy. And without them I lose strength...

Secondly, there are definitely moments in our history when we sacrificed our interests, time, and opportunities in order to help each other. That is, it is a connection in which people “give” something valuable to each other and are ready to “receive” from each other. I remember back in school, when I was crying because of unrequited love, my friend called to chat (there was no mobile phone service at that time, we only called each other if both of us had telephones). She simply said: “I’ll be right there.” And she arrived! It was evening, a weekday, at least an hour away one way, we are teenagers dependent on our parents...

Thirdly, these are people whom we do not want to change! There is no such task: to educate and reshape for oneself (as this often happens, alas, in couples and child-parent relationships). We love our friends as we know them, even if we don’t agree with their actions, we don’t really approve of their chosen ones... The principle of unconditional acceptance and unconditional love works with friends. It turns out that in friendship we have the opportunity to be ourselves. This is great value for everyone!
If the process of “reshaping” and “education” begins, then, as a rule, friendship goes away, is lost, or ends abruptly.
It’s strange that in family life people rarely allow themselves to be friends. Why? After all, it is thanks to the friendship between partners that their relationships are preserved, having gone through crises, changed living conditions, and changing social roles. I remember the dialogue between the characters in one film precisely because it is not only about choosing a partner, but also about friendship. I can quote only for the meaning, and not literally, but it sounded something like this: “How do you manage to live happily in marriage for so many years? You are welcome when you come home: your wife smiles, your children are happy when they meet you at the door. You yourself glow with joy and strive for them. How did this happen? - “Very simple, I married my best friend.”
Do you know one of my favorite thoughts of great people ☺?
“Lovers are bound by sex, spouses are bound by the right of ownership of each other, friends are bound by nothing but love” (Vadim Petrovsky)
You know, I love my friends!

Look, my picture of a person who knows how to be friends has formed:
Not afraid of intimacy with people (can open his soul);
Knows how to give of oneself;
Accepts the diversity of life, respects others as individuals.

Now it’s logical to move on to assumptions about why some of us don’t have friends:
- a person is afraid to open his soul to others. Why?
Perhaps he thinks he is ugly (I mean internally, not externally), and really doesn’t want anyone to see it. This happens if a person, even in childhood, constantly received signals from close people that he was “not OK.” After all, they wanted the best - to improve! But it turned out that they instilled absolute self-doubt and the feeling that they were “not worthy.” Now this person believes that it is better to keep his heart closed, put a “mask” on his face and... communicate precisely from that role that gives a feeling of security and refutes that own, internal, picture of the ugly and even flawed: “I’m cool!”, “Oh, I know everything for sure”, “I’m strong”, “I’m terribly witty”, etc. Do you know such people?
But there may be other reasons for this secrecy. For example, once a person went out into the world with an open soul and a pure heart, he received a painful blow in response and was unable to cope with it. Now, just in case, the victim’s heart remains in a dense shell. And it doesn’t necessarily have to do with someone’s rude word! It happens that the cause of pain is the loss of a dear person, a beloved animal... The loss led to an attempt at pain relief and closedness: “it’s better not to open up and get attached, so that the loss doesn’t hurt!” But this means that the heart has become inaccessible to love and joy too! There is only one way to deal with this: be brave and allow yourself to feel! But over the course of a long life you will feel both love and pain!

A person does not know how to give himself to others.
To illustrate what “giving” means, I would suggest this metaphor: we are all vessels into which love is poured, and from which this same love pours out. Only those who are filled and even overwhelmed can “pour out.” Close and dear people fill us with love: first, parents, accepting us without any conditions, approving, “stroking,” rejoicing in the fact that we exist.; and a little later we fill ourselves with this love, thanks to those sources of strength that the same parents showed us in childhood: music, beautiful paintings, nature, communication with friends... who has what. If we are filled with the love of our parents, therefore we love ourselves, and also know how to replenish our strength in positive ways, we know how to give this energy to others.
Well, what if we don’t have enough ourselves? It is clear that in this case we are only ready
“gnaw off”, “bite off”, “take away”... Then we feel good only when others feel bad. And I’m sure you’ve met such people. This is not about friends, but about...those who depend on us and will endure, no matter what. Subordinates? Children? Parents? ;-(((((

Does not respect the personality of others.
Yes, of course, this is also the reason why a person has no friends. Why does this happen? Why can’t a person “flow like the Nile” in a relaxed manner, why does he strive to adjust this world to suit himself, and at the same time subordinate everyone around him to his goals and interests, why do regulations appear, the words “must”, pressure, manipulation, etc.?
There are, of course, many reasons. But I will assume that one of the main ones is fears. Such a person is afraid to live, experiment, enjoy! He knows how to do it! And this is easier than allowing yourself to understand, “how it happens”? This person is not an adult yet. He is not free. He is afraid to go the wrong way, do the wrong thing, make a mistake. He's scared! His internal structure remains the same as that of a small child: the picture of the world has not yet been formed, he does not yet have enough knowledge, understanding and experience to explore and make mistakes on his own, to learn from experience, it is still safer for him to act according to the rules that have been established by authoritative adults people, they already know how to do it correctly and safely!
Such adult (but non-adult) people have strict action scenarios inside them and a division into black and white, and hence the program and attitude: it is necessary / it is not necessary; should/must not; I have the right/don’t you dare; good bad…
This makes it easier for them, this way they are not afraid, and in this case, they understand the rules. It is enough to act according to these rules and not violate the instructions. They demand this from others, so that they don’t have to be afraid for them!
But... this greatly impairs the opportunities to communicate with people and move through life!

I would like to conclude my argument psychologically and optimistically.
1. The lack of friends may be an indicator of a person’s internal dysfunction. I admit the objections of some of you: maybe this is simply not a value for some! Well, what if this happened historically?! Accepted!
Ok, let’s leave my assumption about the internal dysfunction of a person who has no friends and does not know how to make friends as a topic for discussion and ongoing life research.
2. The ability to make friends can be “grow” by resolving issues with yourself.

With this I want to conclude my long three-page thought about friendship and hear from you...

The first thing you need to do is get rid of pessimistic thoughts: “I have no friends, no one needs me.” Stop. Declare yourself to the world, and let them not think that you are a gray mass, let them hear about you. Try to attend social events. Get used to being around a lot of people. Do you have a hobby or passion? If not, then you need to figure it out. Sign up for fitness, dancing, a handicraft club, a swimming pool, any sports activity, a literary club - as long as you like it. There you will meet many new acquaintances. And common interests will help you get closer. After all, a common activity is a ready-made, inexhaustible topic for a friendly conversation, and then friendship is not far off.

How about charity? Do good deeds. Kindness attracts kindness. Ask to be a volunteer. There you will definitely meet worthy people. Such friends and acquaintances are a real gift from heaven. So, you are looking for friends in the right place. In addition, joint work unites. Exactly what is needed.

If you have difficulty communicating, start dating online. It's much easier. It is believed that when communicating with a new person it is difficult to make eye contact. The Internet solves this problem. Just don’t take virtual communication as an alternative. This is just a stage of communication to hone your skills, start getting acquainted and continue it with a meeting in reality.

Now it’s worth understanding the psychological side of the issue. Often the lack of friends is explained precisely by psychological problems and here are some tips on this matter:

Take kindness as a rule. It's no secret that people love those who love them. But this should not be intrusive. If you immediately attack a potential friend, he will run away from you faster than he will understand what kind of person you are. Sincerity is important in communication; many people clearly detect falsehood. You need a friendly smile, lightness, and sincere interest in your interlocutor. Ask what he likes, what hobbies he has in his life, listen more than you talk. And under no circumstances interrupt your interlocutor, have a conscience, listen to the end, and then speak yourself.

If you are invited to visit, do not think of refusing, it’s the doubts in you that are telling you. But they are of no use. If you can come to a new company. You still can’t guess how the day will turn out. But it is better to regret what happened than to be tormented by what did not happen.

We were spoiled by bad people who offended and humiliated us and were unfriendly. But that’s their problem, you need to not dwell on bad experiences. People are different. And so that you no longer get upset and think that “I have no friends,” try to find contact with people, and remember that not all doors are locked. You can definitely find one that will be pleasant to go to. Sometimes you will remember the time when you sadly said, “I have no friends.” But these will only be memories.

I am always so sad when I read letters from readers who describe how lonely they are. They do not have a circle of friends, they cannot make friends, although they really want to. And they walk in some kind of closed circles - the worse it gets, the greater the despair, the stranger the behavior, the more everyone shies away from them, the more difficult it is to make new friends.

And sometimes it is at least clear what a person is doing wrong - he sits and waits by the sea for the weather, complains, or somehow behaves inappropriately, demands from people things that are generally not worth expecting or demanding from anyone. But there are others who write what they tried, what books they read, how they analyzed their experience. And you think - well, this is an active person, he doesn’t sit still, he tries to see himself from the outside, he tries normal things. Hard to understand, Why can't he do it?

But here are two things I noticed that slip through the vast majority of such questioners.

And these are not even two separate points, but two sides of the same problem.

Firstly, they somehow not very correct imagine what friendship is.

Secondly, they imagine it strangely, they do not find the required number of friends necessary to make it easy to be friends with them.

I once asked people how many friends they had. Meaning real friends. Just friends, friends. Few named more than three. Many people say that there is not a single real boyfriend or girlfriend. Moreover, among the respondents there were a huge number of people with a very vibrant social life. They have a lot of friends, they meet with them, chat, call each other, go to the cinema. In general, they do everything that the authors of letters in the style of “I’m all alone” dream of.

And when you start corresponding with these lonely people who really want to find someone, they very often complain that “Well nooo... you know, I don’t mean such superficial just friendly relationships - I want to find a friend! Here a true friend! Not a stranger, but a friend!”

And then they list what they want to do with this friend, that is, roughly speaking, Why do they need this friend? And then it begins: “Go to the cinema, chat, discuss hobbies, adventures, children, films, books, go to the gym, go dancing...” And it turns out that there are only one or two true friends, he’s real, there are few of them. What do they want to do with him? that's all listed.

But in fact, look at these real friendships, at those whom people call their true friends. This very rarely the person you do things with All.

Well, one thing, some interest, usually you share it with a friend. Or a couple. But a good friend is not at all the person to whom you constantly tell all your affairs, with whom you go everywhere, and spend all your free time! In general, I don’t know many people who could be friends like that. After all, people have their own lives.

Take a closer look at everyone who has friends and lives life to the fullest, having as much communication as they want. How long do they see their real friends? How often do they call back? Not so much, it turns out. True, a true friend is really something special. You talk to him maybe once a month. But if something really serious happens, where you need serious help, support, trust, he will be one of those you can ask. Who will help with something like that, which people do not do for everyone.

But... again. These people who have no friends and supposedly don’t know how to make friends (or don’t have much positive experience in this matter) - look at what they list when you ask “what can you do only with a friend.”

The very first thing everyone says is to “have a heart-to-heart talk.” This is the first mistake! You can have a heart-to-heart talk with so many people! And it is necessary! Not just with your one and only best friend!

It will become easier! Get some advice! You will hear opinions! Maybe you will understand a lot yourself and sort it out for yourself, trying to explain it to others. Not only friends, but also many friends, even not very close ones, are suitable for a “heart-to-heart talk.” Not counting psychologists, strangers on the Internet, and some one-time encounters - on a train or in a bar. I'm serious!

And some people think that everything depends on Topics. And about sex, for example... or about family problems... But in reality - yes, easily! You know how many strangers They have already talked to me about their sexual problems! In the first 10 seconds you are surprised, and then you realize that the person just decided that we might be interested in talking about this. And he has a problem that occupies him. So he took it and talked.

And about my brother in prison, and about my alcoholic mother, and about the son of a robber - who hasn’t complained to me! Very often on the first day of dating! Or over a shared cup of coffee for the second time in your life! And you don’t need 25 years of preliminary friendship for this! And you don’t need to dump everything you need to talk about on one or two only friends! Have pity on them. Working as the only vest for someone is hard! Anyone will get bored. Especially considering the fact that if someone has a problem, they want to talk about it often and a lot. So - talk to different people. It will be easier for everyone and no one will run away because he is sick of this topic.

Or here: help. Even a neighbor can help with something very simple. Now, if someone’s house burned down and right now the whole family has nowhere to sleep, the first people asked for help are close friends, yes. But to help you move cabinets during a move, or to give advice on how to defeat some software and set up email, you don’t necessarily need your closest friend. You can ask a colleague, a friend. Yes, actually, even here - at least the entire Internet, anonymously.

In general, what I mean is that people mentally imagine this “close friend” as such an outlet for all occasions. And they would like to find such a universal outlet - find two and do everything with them. And they, realizing that they are the only ones in the world, quickly run away. Because no one wants to answer for even the most pleasant “hobby” with their whole life and all their time.

Make these friends many and different! Let someone go to the cinema with you only once every six months. If you have 20 of these people, you will go to the movies with someone often! Don’t place the entire burden of responsibility for all your happiness on one person at once. And if five out of thirty do not have time for you for a year, your world will not collapse!

Friendships are overrated. In the sense that they are trying to cram too many “responsibilities” into them, which no person can bear on his own.

And friendships are underestimated. Because people “looking for a friend” for some reason believe that a friend is no one at all. And if not the closest friend, then it means “fi”.

But in life it is not like that. Sometimes there are many shades between the closest friend and cheerful friendly communication. And these best friends weren’t like that from birth either. At first they were colleagues, neighbors, friends. And then someone got closer to someone else and became stronger friends. No one can do this in 5 minutes.

And in the preliminary and intermediate stages between zero and the jackpot, you can find a lot of happiness, wonderful conversations, real warmth, participation, love, the brightest moments in life. You just need to take what they give, with gratitude, and be happy about it. And not whine all the time that it’s not quite suitable, because in addition to this they didn’t immediately offer their hand, heart and keys to their whole life.

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City under one roof

When was the last time you made a new friend? Not a friend to exchange jokes at work, but a really close person whom you called would in a difficult situation. If you're over 20, you've probably wondered what to do if you don't have friends.

Suspects: work, family, “little time”

Many people guess why friendship fades into the background with age. We are building a career 40 hours a week, we have a family and children, but there is no time left for everything else.

Study How Do Women Spend Their Time?, conducted by Real Simple and the Families and Work Institute, found that 52% of women ages 25 to 54 have fewer than 90 free minutes per day, and 29% of women have fewer than 45 minutes. That's not enough to even watch an episode of Game of Thrones, let alone create friendships.

It is unlikely that these indicators are very different for men.

When a person reaches the middle of his life, his youthful impulses to explore everything disappear irrevocably. Priorities change and people often become picky about their friends.

Alex Williams, reporter for The New York Times

No matter how wide your inner circle, fatalism spares no one. Adolescence and student years are behind us. Now the time has come for “friends by situation” or just good acquaintances.

When people become adults, it is as if an invisible barrier appears between them. They get to know each other, have fun, but don’t spend as much time together as before.

As people age, they are less likely to form friendships. At the same time, they become closer with the friends they already have.

Laura L. Carstensen, professor of psychology at Stanford University

She suggested that the human psyche reacts to significant life events, this includes the date of 30 years. The realization comes that life is shortening. It's time to stop learning new things, we need to pay more attention to what is here and now.

Friends are no longer needed for survival

Another reason why we struggle to expand our inner circle later in life is because it is no longer necessary. In youth, friendship is an important part of personal and social development. We need friends to understand who we really are and how to decide.

Of course, no one thinks about this when making friends at school. We are not particularly picky and start being friends just like that. Do you sit at the same desk with me and also hate the teacher? High five!

Once personality is formed, we need something more to become friends. Circumstances alone are no longer enough. You may have the same problems and views with a person, you will share them, and then go your separate ways and only politely greet each other.

What can you do about it?

It would seem, well, okay, why new friends, because there are old ones. But if an adult loses his previous connections, what to do then?

In the lives of many of us, there are three important things missing: emotional intimacy, repeated unplanned interactions and. Without them, you cannot build strong relationships. So if you're around 30, you can't make real friends anymore? Not at all.

Tracy Moore, a writer at Jezebel, suggests that you just need to change your attitude: “Let's say you moved to a new city and you don't know anyone there. Or old friends now seem so impudent that you are even surprised how you communicated with them over the past 10 years. In any case, you should perceive the search for buddies as an exciting quest.”

Of course, you need to get out of the house and communicate with people with similar interests.

Here are some examples:

• look for thematic meetings in your city, for example, through communities of interest to you on social networks;
• sign up for courses: dancing, yoga, decorating master classes, wrestling;
• get and walk with other owners and their pets;
• travel, come up with a new hobby, sign up as a volunteer.

Strive to where life is in full swing. Chat with different people. It is quite possible that you will find a friend when you least expect it.

There are also advantages

No matter how difficult it may be to expand your inner circle as an adult, the game is worth the candle. Mature friendships have many advantages over children's ones:

• your relationship will be based on common interests that may not have existed while studying at school or university;
• no restrictions: make friends with a large age difference or on the Internet;
• friendship will be more relaxed: an adult is unlikely to be offended because he knows that everyone has things to do;
• you will begin to value time with loved ones more.

As you get to know yourself, new friendships can become deeper than those left over from your high school years. And like any good relationship, over time it will become deeper and stronger.

There are many reasons why some people do not have reliable friends. It’s hard to look at yourself from the outside and guess why people don’t stay around you for long. If you're wondering why you can't make friends with other people, the list below will give you a starting point in your search. Let's try to figure it out.

1. Character.

For example, you may be too arrogant and communication with you causes discomfort. You may be embarrassed by other people and this in turn confuses them. You may be too frivolous, and others will find your lack of commitment unpleasant. You may not realize that there is something in your behavior that turns people off: too pushy, too talkative, too independent, too unconventional, too independent, too intrusive, too... Sometimes there is something in the behavior a person that he doesn't want to admit. You can even suspect this, but think that others are obliged to accept you as anyone. However, real friendship (especially if it is just being built) always needs compromises.

2. A feeling of mistrust in the world, social fears.

For example, you are afraid to communicate with new people due to lack of self-confidence. Or you don’t know how and where to meet someone. Or you feel that you are not interesting enough to the people you would like to have as friends. There may be self-esteem issues that need to be worked through without hoping that everything will work out on its own. An adult must understand that creating and maintaining friendly connections is not an option where one should hope for chance without doing anything. Either you need friends and you take responsibility for your own behavior when you are around them, or you remain lonely.

3. Preferences.

Maybe you are an introvert? Perhaps, when you are offered to spend time with friends, you often refuse because you want to spend time alone with yourself? If you refuse more often than you agree, this can quickly cause discomfort among people inviting you somewhere and they simply stop calling you. They may not know that you want to be alone and they feel like you don't like them.

Maybe you have succumbed to the modern fashion that you should have a lot of friends? You may be so preoccupied with the number of new people you know that you don't delve into deeper, more intimate friendships that require significant time. Other people feel that your interest in them is superficial and feigned and begin to avoid such acquaintances. Or they remain “pseudo-friends” and behave towards you the same way you treat them, not allowing them into your personal world.

4. Psychological problems.

You may have difficulty forming close friendships because of past failed relationships. You may be unsure of yourself and believe that you cannot interest anyone in your inner world or interests. You may feel that when people get to know your real self, they won't like you. You may have a fear that others are uncomfortable with the real you and then you will play, presenting yourself as something other than who you are.

People may be afraid of openness and unable to trust others, so they tend to automatically build barriers that prevent open, honest relationships. You need to understand that true friendship is honesty.

Arrogance also provokes a cold attitude towards you. Vain people do not always realize that they behave arrogantly, that they do not communicate on equal terms, but teach, ridicule others, and “allow” them to come to them under conditions that they themselves do not observe. Arrogance is a psychological defense, which is often backed by self-doubt and an attempt to rehabilitate one’s own self by humiliating other people. This is exalting oneself against the background of the shortcomings of others in order to feel equal to them.

5. Lack of experience of true friendship.

Regardless of age, some people lack the skills that create and maintain close friendships. Do you think you have the traits to maintain and strengthen new friendships? Have you ever wondered what winning traits allow you to keep people close? Mandatory signs of friendship are reciprocity, trust and patience.

You need to understand well that any experience in building friendship comes only through practice, and mistakes are inevitable, but a person’s strength lies in drawing the right conclusions and changing his own behavior for the better. It is very important not to lie to yourself and accept your own imperfections. It's not scary, it's scary not to have friends at all.

6. Situational external obstacles.

You may, for example, live in a place that is difficult for other people to get to: on the outskirts or in a rural area where there are few people. Or you often moved from place to place and got used to feeling like an outsider everywhere. Or your best friends may move away from you, start families and become completely immersed in them. In this case, you should continue to congratulate them on the holidays, not forgetting the birthdays of themselves and all relatives. At the same time, it is worth looking for new interests and friends, so that the voids are filled with pleasant experiences, and not with sadness about what was lost. Any person can choose whether to be sad about the past or build a comfortable future.

7. Unpleasant communication style.

This can be rude, loud, too quiet or with long pauses, slang-filled type of speech. This could be interruption. This may be a lack of answers to questions that are asked to you or a desire to constantly talk only about yourself. Many people sin by not listening at all to what other people are telling them and are busy only waiting for a pause in their opponent’s story in order to insert their own thoughts that come to mind. This may be a habit of manipulating others, humiliating and oppressing them, or trying to cheat.

You can put all the responsibility for the relationship on someone else and never take any initiative to initiate communication, but people get tired of this one-sided behavior. You yourself may never initiate any contacts or be active in creating relationships. You may often be unavailable by phone or online when people want to talk to you. You may not be a good listener.

8. Problems of organizing your time.

You are too busy with work or interests and don't spend enough time with your friends. You may even feel that spending a lot of time with your friends is too wasteful. This offends people and they go in search of those who can give them their time and attention.

9. Unrealistic expectations or incorrect role assignments.

For example, you have made your friends think that you will always organize all the meetings. Because you constantly do this, preventing others from planning time together. You may want to control the entire flow of your communication, but people don't like that. Everyone should have the right to contribute something to communication.

Or you have fantastic, illusory and romanticized ideas about the existence of an ideal friendship: for example, you expect that the relationship will always be wonderful and last forever. And when something doesn’t turn out quite right, retreat into resentment and silence.

10. Appearance problems.

You may look too fancy or just plain sloppy. You may cough constantly or be unable to make direct eye contact. Your hair, nails, skin, or body odor may be dirty. All this can be corrected, but first you need to understand that it can be very important for others and greatly repel them. You should not think that the values ​​inherent in you (for example, “the main thing is the inner world, not appearance”) are characteristic of everyone. Give people the right to choose what they like and what they don’t and adapt to them if you want to be around them. Psychological manipulations in communication.