I love two men at the same time. What to do? Loving two Why are there 2 guys at once?

Once upon a time stupid guests asked you stupid question: “Who do you love more - mom or dad?” You were confused, offended and didn’t know what to say. And then you grew up and fell in love. And I was surprised to find that now you ask yourself similar questions. Because you can’t decide which of the two men you truly love. Or maybe both?

Experts say that even the “psychology” of our body can be divided into three parts: one is responsible for safety, the second for emotions and affection, and the third for competition. The need for one or another component varies: some need more emotions and less competition, others the opposite. But the fact is that a harmonious relationship between a man and a woman necessarily satisfies all three needs. If something is missing, one of the partners, willy-nilly, begins to look for the missing factor on the side. Most betrayals are based on this simple basis. Those initiated by women are no exception. But here is the fundamental difference - men are more honest with themselves: I love this one, and I spend time with this one, while many girls are really sure that they love two men at once.

STORY 1

About emotions

At 26, my friend Anya is already the head of a department at a large automobile plant. She speaks perfect French, dances, sings, snowboards and skates. And overall, a great girl and friend. When I met her, Anya was already married to Kolya. They met eight years ago: the friend entered the first year, Nikolai was in the fifth. The seemingly reserved boy suddenly remembered the forgotten word “initiative” and short time won the girl's heart. For everyone, they quickly became “Anya and Kolya” - just like that, together. We, friends, perceived them as a single whole and could not think that someday these wonderful guys would get divorced.

In my opinion, they themselves did not understand how this happened. Anya went to France for an internship, met Danila there, became friends with him, then returned to Moscow, left again... Kolya suffered, tried to make his wife understand that he wanted to see her at home, worked hard to ensure her life in Paris, took out a loan, cut expenses as much as possible. He accumulated dissatisfaction within himself for a long time, without explaining anything to Anya, and after some time he announced that he would come to Paris and bring her divorce papers. In the end, Kolya didn’t bring anything: he showed up on the threshold of a Parisian apartment with a bouquet of flowers, and they made up. After which Nikolai rushed back to Moscow.

The next day Danila crossed the same threshold and literally said the following to Anya: “You are the only woman I see next to me.” In general, a few months later Anya and Kolya divorced. The process was painful, they both cried in the registry office, and the “divorced” aunt could not understand what was going on here. For the entire next month, Kolya hung on our friends’ ears so much that we slowly began to go crazy. He didn't understand what had happened to his life and why he and his wife were no longer together. Anya was preparing for her wedding with Danila, but every time Kolya was mentioned in her presence, she began to sob: not to be upset, not to be sad, but naturally to cry like crazy. We whispered among ourselves that maybe we should hint to our friends that they had made a mistake, which in general was not too late to correct, but then Kolya found himself a girlfriend, and Anya got married. And everything calmed down.

When I ask Anya what these tears were for, she replies: “I think I love them both. Kolya has always been my older friend, he took me from my parental care and led me through life. But I didn’t always understand him, although I certainly loved him. I once had an episode like this: in high school, I fell in love with a boy and wrote him a note: “I like you. What about me? Underline: yes or no.” And he emphasized “no” with such force that he tore through the paper. I then concluded for myself that it was probably impossible to fall in love with me. And Kolya became such a “discoverer”, the first to prove the opposite. He is radically tough, while Danila is soft. I know that content is more important than form, but with Kolya I could never understand why he hugs me when we are alone, and cannot hold me close to him in public. With Danila such questions do not arise. And, as it turned out, this emotional comfort is very important for me. I chose marriage with Danya consciously and I connect my future with him. However, you know, my heart sank when Kolya and I met one day, and he said: “Sometimes I see this picture: many years have passed, we have grown-up children, and now my son comes to get a job with you. You take it, you have a wonderful relationship. And then our halves disappear somewhere, and we are together again. Only mature, experienced, with children. And everything is forgotten."

Psychologist's comment:

“By the word “love” each of us understands something different: for some it is a passionate desire, for some it is friendship, for others it is emotional comfort. Some people feel good in parent-child relationships, playing the role of “daddy’s girl” or, conversely, “mommy.” And this is also love. In fact, this situation “I love two men” is one of the most popular reasons for turning to a psychologist. When we begin to understand the client in detail, it turns out that each of her lovers satisfies one or more needs. For example, with one she is calm, reliable, comfortable, with the other - passion, emotions, but at the same time anxiety and instability. This is how splitting occurs: the soul requires heat, and the body requires fire. Not everyone can cope with this.”

STORY 2

About security

Alina came to see a psychologist when she turned 30. An accomplished beautiful woman, a ten-year strong marriage, a son and... a lover, whom she has been dating for several years. The psychologist began the conversation from afar, finding out the circumstances under which Alina grew up and matured. The girl's parents divorced when her daughter was three years old. Her father was an explosive mixture of Lieutenant Rzhevsky and Ostap Bender, everyone adored him: friends, bosses, women, but living with such a person was extremely difficult, almost impossible. Bright, explosive, in the course of one evening he could get drunk, fight, confess his love and take him to the very edge of the Universe... It was fun with him exactly until the moment Alina’s mother discovered that a whole harem of the same enchanted wanderers was trampling on the edge of the Universe .

The woman kicked her husband out of the house and found herself alone with a child in her arms. For more than ten years they lived on the brink of poverty, moving from one rented room to another, eating virtually nothing but bread and desperately hoping for the best. In the end, Alina’s mother found a man who loved her with all his soul. He was very quiet, homely, economical. The woman blossomed with him, calmed down, they have been living in perfect harmony for more than 20 years, in a word, an idyll. And what a wonderful example for your daughter!

So Alina grew up with a rather strict attitude: a man must be reliable, then he can make you happy. And when a girl chose a husband, she was guided by the image of her stepfather. But before meeting her prince, my mother experienced all the “charm” of the emotional carousel on which her first husband took her for a ride. If not for the suffering of the past, she would hardly have been able to appreciate the main man in her life. The daughter was looking for a companion based on her mother’s experience, and not on her own. And then Alina met a “man of the world,” a free traveler, relaxed, interesting, fell in love with him and even lived with two families for some time, not understanding who to choose. “I love my husband like my own, we have a wonderful son. But with all my being I am eager to meet a completely different man,” she admits.

Psychologist's comment:

“When a person has a certain attitude, he chooses a partner not holistically, but in parts. For example, he relies on hypertrophied loyalty, which ultimately turns into boredom in family life. Or, on the contrary, a woman has an urgent need for security, and her husband is always on a bike, or on a surf, or in Ibiza with friends. And then she begins to look for the opposite pole. For men, by the way, the situation is the same. A young man may like bright, fatal women - he looks at them, admires them. But he understands that in family life he will go crazy with such a lady. And he makes an agreement with himself: he finds a quiet, calm girl who becomes the mother of his children, and takes his admiration beyond the family. Whether this ultimately leads to betrayal or not is another question; everything here is purely individual and depends on a lot of factors.”

STORY 3

About competition

Lena got married early, in her first year. Vasya literally pinned her against a marble column at the Faculty of Journalism and said: “Whether you like it or not, you will become my wife.” For six months, Lena managed to escape the answer, but in the end the fortress fell under the serious onslaught of a temperamental workers' faculty member. For six months, the young man looked after Lena almost royally: he greeted her every morning with flowers, took her to an ice cream parlor, took her on a taxi ride around Moscow at night, and used the fees to buy kilos of silver jewelry. It’s not that Lena needed all this, but the increased attention certainly pleased her.

After the marriage, silver supplies were the first to dry up. Then the night walks stopped. The last to fall was the flower stall. From an ardent suitor, Vasya turned into an exemplary family man; the couple had two children. And everything would be fine, but over time, Lena began to realize that she lacked male attention, compliments, and admiring glances. And then in the editorial office of the newspaper where she worked, a new handsome colleague appeared, who one day during lunch, between soup and hot food, noticed that he had never met a sexier woman than Lena in his life. The matter was not limited to one compliment. An easy, non-binding relationship was established between the girl and the boy in love: sex, conversations, sex, a glass of champagne, cigarettes. Lena complained to a colleague about her husband, who nodded in response and justified his behavior. They didn’t think about the future: the young man didn’t need anything from Lena, but she increasingly understood how much she valued marriage. “Do you know what’s most amazing about my situation? I don't feel guilty. At all. And it’s clear why: my unexpected boyfriend has become a lightning rod - I pour out all the anger that has accumulated towards my husband on my lover. And I get my share of admiration from him. I’m afraid that the marriage will fail if this man leaves my life.”

Choosing is never easy, especially when it comes to love. It would seem that when you have to decide everything yourself, it should be as easy as shelling pears. But in practice it turns out differently. When your heart is tossing between two guys, it's hard to decide. After all, each of them is good in its own way.

The main mistake that many girls make in such situations is checking the boys. Never use this method! This is not some kind of competition. In addition, it will not be entirely fair to the “participants” themselves. Surely, during the tests, no one will know about the presence of an opponent. Sooner or later everything will come out. And will you be pleased to admit to them that you played like this?

Even if the guys deliberately make fun of each other and win your sympathy, this will not help you much. This demo will only work for a while. When one of the contenders goes into the shadows, you will immediately lose most of the attention. After all, there is no longer anyone to demonstrate your advantage over - victory has been won.

It's best to decide for yourself. Moreover, you already have everything you need. You are well acquainted with each of the boys, you know both their shortcomings and their strengths. This is quite enough. Why create conflicts? The way a guy treats you is the best argument in his favor.

In fact, it’s very easy to decide if you don’t confuse love with affection or ordinary sympathy. This is exactly what most girls face and are confused about their feelings. One wisdom says: “If you love, you don’t think about it.” And there is some truth in this. There is no need to compare two guys with each other. Take each one separately. His care, responsiveness and understanding. After all, it was on this basis that you began to get to know him better.

There is no need to rush into making a choice. But you don’t need to drag your feet for too long, putting yourself and the two boys in an unpleasant position. Think about it, if you are having a hard time making a decision, maybe it’s too early for you to start serious relationship with someone and be alone for a while? If you choose this option, then we advise you to read the article on the Girls' World website - "

Often girls are faced with such a nuisance as choosing between two guys. And, if the heart does not help you make a choice and it becomes difficult to determine your destiny, you need to analyze the case and decide for yourself with which of them future life is possible.

1. Appearance is not the main thing

So, you should not be fooled by his beauty and charm. Quite often, such “dear guys” turn out to be narcissistic egoists. And for a woman it is important to be loved.

2. But sincerity is the main thing

Next, you can try to test both guys for sincerity. After all, talking about love and truly loving are completely different things. A person who loves always accepts with joy mutual love. If a guy can sacrifice anything for the sake of his beloved, this is a big plus in his favor. If, on the contrary, he does everything in a way that is beneficial only to him, and you are obliged to agree with all this - this poor quality, and you need to take a closer look at it.

3. An apple from an apple tree

Getting to know your parents is, of course, good. But what to do if neither of the two partners introduced you to their family? Try to ask more about them. For example, like the father, like the son. And if the dad of your possible future boyfriend respects women, then there is every chance that his son will have the same attitude towards you. If in the family young man strict patriarchy reigns, your father is prone to frequent drinking, or, even worse, likes to party somewhere on the side, then, of course, you should think about whether you need a similar future. Naturally, it happens that a son sincerely loves his mother and, observing such nasty antics of his father, does not want to treat his wife the same way.

4. Say no to momma's little boys

If your boyfriend's behavior shows in every way that he is a mama's boy, and acts only as his mother tells him, then there is a chance that she will decide everything for both of you. And no girl will like this.

5. Mutual tolerance.

This is a very important aspect, since each person has his own character traits and behavior. Very often you can hear that women marry men whose shortcomings they are able to tolerate. After all, you have probably met such women; they live calmly with unemployed husbands or with men who have never hammered a single nail in their lives. And there are those who constantly reproach their husbands for “lazy behavior” and do not allow them to breathe easy. Women, whose house is always clean and orderly, cannot come to terms with their husband’s things scattered everywhere, and this is where a scandal begins to arise.

6. Let's summarize

You should carefully compare all the existing advantages and disadvantages of the guys who are courting you, and only then make a choice. However, here too you need to listen to your intuition and the call of your heart, since they are the ones who will help you make a choice that you will not regret.

Most often, the answer to the dilemma of what to do when you like 2 guys sounds like this: “If you like several people at once, you don’t like anyone.” This is not correct. This only happens when passion flares up. In the normal state, people tend to compare.

There is a strange opinion that women consistently turn to psychologists with the question of where to meet a man, interest him, and then start a family? But no less often, women, especially young ones, are interested in the question of what to do if you like two guys at once? How to make the right choice?

It must be said right away that everything depends on the situation in which the dilemma arose.

For example, a woman was not initially interested in starting a family, so two partners gave her the comfort she was striving for. One provided financially, the other satisfied the need for communication or sex, or helped to feel needed. And then the woman realized that she wanted strong relationships and then I began to choose.

Or a woman was dating one person, and for some reason the feelings began to cool down. They separated, she was already interested in someone else, and the first one appeared again.

The most difficult situation is if the first one already had a family, maybe even children. The usual answer about the prompting heart does not apply. What to do?

A woman should analyze the situation, why did this happen? What does she miss in each of the guys? You shouldn’t relieve yourself of responsibility by convincing others that they themselves are moving towards rapprochement. If a woman didn’t want to, she wouldn’t keep two men around her. You need to try to understand men with what qualities she wants to have next to her, which of her guys has more of these qualities at the same time?

What to do. if you like two guys, and the relationship with both has already gone far? Under no circumstances should you blame yourself for your promiscuity, but try to think about why this happened? Do you want reliability, but in return do men demand similar returns? Do we need such men nearby?

Maybe it’s even better to write down what kind of relationship you want to build? Why did you break up with your previous partner, and why are you now drawn to him?

Sometimes this is not a feeling that flares up again, but a fear of creating new relationships, an inability to give up the habit of being close to someone you know well.

When thinking about what to do if you like 2 guys, you need to try to understand why the old partner is better than the new one? It’s unlikely that he changed during the time they were apart. Of course, he can promise anything, but adults don’t change. There was already stress during the breakup. Why go back to a relationship that once ended badly?

There are times when men, knowing that there are two of them, join the competition. And no matter who the woman chooses, she will lose.

The longer a woman thinks about which guy to choose, the more she will exhaust herself. Therefore, a decision needs to be made quickly. No one can guarantee that you will be happy with this person, but no one will give you a guarantee that you will be happy with this person.

Sometimes you should remember folk wisdom, which advises, if you have an unclear relationship with two guys, to wait. until you meet the third one. When you truly fall in love, other men cease to exist.

When deciding what to do if you like two guys, you should proceed from your feelings and needs, without thinking about what opinion you can make with your actions on others. After all, you will have to live with the person you chose. And there will hardly be an opportunity to replay.

What to do if you like two guys? Sometimes in such a situation you should just step aside and wait a little without trying to do anything yourself. Time in most cases puts everything in its place. And you can understand what people really need only by getting to know them well.

1. Appearance is not the main thing

So, you should not be fooled by his beauty and charm. Quite often, such “dear guys” turn out to be narcissistic egoists. And for a woman it is important to be loved.

2. But sincerity is the main thing

Next, you can try to test both guys for sincerity. After all, talking about love and truly loving are completely different things. A person who loves always joyfully accepts mutual love. If a guy can sacrifice anything for the sake of his beloved, this is a big plus in his favor. If, on the contrary, he does everything in a way that is beneficial only to him, and you are obliged to agree with all this - this is a bad quality, and you need to take a closer look at him.

3. An apple from an apple tree

Getting to know your parents is, of course, good. But what to do if neither of the two partners introduced you to their family? Try to ask more about them. For example, like the father, like the son. And if the dad of your possible future boyfriend respects women, then there is every chance that his son will have the same attitude towards you. If a strict patriarchy reigns in a young man’s family, his father is prone to frequent drinking, or, even worse, likes to party somewhere on the side, then, of course, you should think about whether you need a similar future. Naturally, it happens that a son sincerely loves his mother and, observing such nasty antics of his father, does not want to treat his wife the same way.