Many women ask this question. And, not finding an answer, they suffer, rush about in despair, not understanding what happened? What did I do wrong? I will tell you in this article what this method of separation hides and how to survive the pain of loss.

The scenario when a man leaves in English, as a rule, always has a similar plot: you feel good together, you just started dating, or you already live under the same roof. It would seem that everything is perfect. And suddenly, “out of the blue,” he leaves without explanation, and you are left bewildered, with a deep sense of resentment and a sense of injustice. Day after day you scroll through the same questions in your head: “Why did he treat me like a coward? Was it really impossible to talk calmly? He said that he loves me. Or was it just another lie?

I propose to look into the secret corners of the male soul and see what really happened. The man really felt good with you, he could feel both attraction and passion. And at the same time, draw your own conclusions, think about “do I want to continue this relationship?”, “am I ready to give up my freedom?”, “am I ready to take responsibility for this woman or am I only happy with sex without obligations?”

Not every one of us is ready to hear such a truth, and most importantly, not every man is ready to open up about it. Men have not been taught to trust their feelings, much less share them. It is even more dangerous for them to openly admit their fears and weaknesses, and even more so, their unpreparedness for serious relationship. In addition, men are afraid of offending a woman, cannot stand tears, or a showdown precisely because then they may feel guilty and stay out of a sense of duty.

Many families are supported precisely by the feeling of guilt - “I’m with you for the sake of the children, for the sake of the imaginary feeling of family, although everything in me screams “run.”

At some point, feeling like a “hunted animal,” a man chooses to simply leave - at that moment there is no other choice for him. Yes, he guesses that it will hurt you, what words you will use to remember him. But it would be better if they were just thoughts than reality. And it is at this moment that he has no choice but to leave in English. Tear it apart, end it, leave it with nothing.

The female perception in this case looks like this: “everything was fine with us, there was no sign of a storm, we didn’t quarrel, and then suddenly, he packed his things and left.” And this, in my opinion, is a huge illusion. It seems to us that nothing is happening, externally yes, but internally - a man experiences a whole range of feelings, makes a decision, and gives us only its result. And only then, remembering the relationship from beginning to end, many women in my consultations begin to see that certain “bells” were present for a long time, it was simply “more profitable” not to notice them then. It was easier to live in illusion happy family than to openly admit that there are problems.

What to do if your loved one left in English?
· The most difficult and painful thing in this situation is the feeling of incompleteness, incomprehensibility of what is happening, “abandonment.” And it is natural to mentally search for reasons, because you have not openly clarified the relationship, the point has not been set, and, therefore, the psyche begins to look for it. If possible, try to meet and talk with a man. Not so much to “get” him back, but to prevent future mistakes.
· The deeper the attachment, the more painful the breakup is. In such a state, it is easy to start blaming yourself and becoming depressed. Enlist the support of your loved ones and a psychologist so that you can gradually begin to return to your normal life when you are just a free woman.
· To avoid attracting a similar scenario in the future, analyze what role you play in the relationship: is it easy for you to express your needs? Do you often avoid conflicts? Do you notice a difference between your expectations and a man's actual behavior? Have you ever experienced rejection in your life? Have you fallen in love with men who were not initially ready for a trusting relationship?

He left in English... How typical this is for men and how painful it is is incomprehensible to us women. When everything collapses overnight, you feel that life is over, divided into two halves - “before” and “after”, “with him” and “without him”. In order not to drown in the search for reasons, find the strength to admit that you cannot return the past. Your couple has danced their dance. And now it’s time to look at what was really going on with the two of you, what you noticed but were afraid to see. Take the risk of learning a lesson from this relationship, turn to yourself again, and then one day the pain of separation will be replaced by ease and anticipation of new love...

Have you tried to change the situation: reach out, finish writing, call? Certainly! But everything is to no avail. In vain. The subscriber is unavailable. And you don’t know where he is, or who he’s with, or where he’s gone. And most importantly - WHY? After all, everything was so wonderful.

Maybe something serious or even terrible happened to him? Television tells us every day about mysterious disappearances, teleportation, dematerialization, black holes and aliens. Perhaps he was kidnapped and subjected to terrible experiments or dismantled for organs? Today anything can happen, even this. But most likely your friend left without saying goodbye, in English.

You are tormented by thoughts about dislike, whether he will call, and what was done wrong? This is exactly what a woman thinks about, whose man has disappeared in an unknown direction. It’s good if you don’t have to suffer for long, and some information becomes known about the man who disappeared from your life; it’s bad if not only the reason for the disappearance is unknown, but anything at all is unknown.

The situation is difficult and stressful. To relieve tension, throw out the accumulated negativity - tell your friends about the current situation. It is then that you will find out what happened to each of them at different stages of life. The most interesting thing is that most often men began to disappear recently. Could this be an epidemic? Especially considering the fact that men began to disappear at the moment when relationships begin to reach their highest peak of development.

There are several versions of your man's disappearance. Which? Read below.

Version one: male nature

From time to time a man needs privacy. Perhaps now is the time. That's why your loved one disappeared so suddenly. No, he was not scared by either your relationship or you, he just needs to be alone with himself and carefully think about his life.

What to do in such a situation? Nothing unusual - just wait.

Version two: the special character of a man

Introverts tend to disappear. These men are already uncommunicative, and due to their nature they can really disappear suddenly not only for you, but also for the people closest to you, since only solitude gives them harmony with themselves.

And his disappearance does not mean the end of your relationship at all..

Third version: alcoholism

It’s one thing if your loved one likes to drink a bottle of beer sometimes, but it’s quite another when alcohol knocks him out of life for a week or more. Think about whether you need such a man? Hardly.

Fourth version: you are not the only woman in his life

Men are polygamous creatures - it's no secret. Perhaps, besides you, your loved one has one or more women and he does not know which of you to choose or is not even going to do it. Although, most likely, he disappeared in order to think about which of you to choose or has already chosen, and unfortunately not you, since he disappeared from your life, and not from the life of your rival.

Fifth version: he has a very important or dangerous job

There are men for whom work comes first. Well, then the women, as they say. Perhaps your loved one was sent on an important business trip, which no one, especially the woman you love, should know about, which is why no one deigned to warn you about his disappearance. If this is the reason for the disappearance of your man, then the disappearance can occur with enviable consistency, and always without warning. Therefore, if you still wait for your man to return, think about whether you need such a relationship and constant hassle.

These are the main reasons for the disappearance of men. You can hear about other reasons from your own girlfriends or from your man...

If a guy says goodbye forever without really explaining anything, you can break your head, thinking about why he left. It is necessary to know the reasons for what happened not so much in order to try to return it, but to gain experience. After all mistakes made are only not repeated when a lesson has been learned from them.

A man who leaves his beloved in English without saying goodbye, maybe he’s just not ready for a long-term responsible relationship, or maybe he’s just a scoundrel, using the fair sex to satisfy their base desires. In both cases, nothing depends on the girl, but in some cases everything could have been different if she had behaved correctly.

Not ready for a serious relationship

If a guy sees that a girl treats him like a betrothed, but he is not ready to give her what she needs- family, home, children - he leaves. Even if everything is fine between them, the partner does not put pressure and does not expect a quick marriage, he feels that he will never marry her. Therefore, in this case, leaving can be called an honest attempt to give the girl a chance to build a relationship with another and not waste time on unpromising ones. And, since it is difficult to explain one’s motives, such a person leaves in English without saying a word.

No backup option

In some cases guys keep girls as if in reserve: meeting them, but actively looking for them best option, while simultaneously starting an affair with someone else. And when everything works out with her, the first girl is safely forgotten. He just stops calling her and pretends she never existed in his life. And my conscience simply does not allow me to meet her in order to tell everything.

Habit

There is a category of men who prefer this method of farewell as the main one. It is normal for such a guy to tell a girl that he will call her and forget about it forever. Moreover, he does this with all his passions, not considering it necessary to explain anything.

Reluctance to explain yourself

If the previous type is not forgiven because this is his lifestyle, for the next category Long goodbyes seem meaningless and unnecessarily energy-consuming. They sincerely don’t understand why they need to play havoc and try to persuade the girl that breaking up is the lesser of two evils. The man said it, the man did it, and there can be no sentimentality.

Loss of sexual interest

Many guys share sex and love, therefore, if a relationship is based only on attraction, and the man understands that this is no longer enough for him, they become obsolete. True, such romances often last long and painfully, but one day everything ends mid-sentence - it’s easier for a man to completely stop communicating with his ex than to pretend that everything is fine between them and try to explain why he decided that way.

In the post-Soviet space, it is believed that a school is not only an educational institution, but also an educational institution. That is, the task of the school is not only to teach children science and give certain practical skills, but also to educate them. Now it has generally become the talk of the town. Each school has deputy directors for educational work, and this very work is given a lot, a lot of attention.

I will immediately express my opinion. In the form in which the school exists now, it is not only incapable of educating children. She hurts them. A matriarchal institution, a little better than a kindergarten, where powerful women, often with failed personal lives, knock everything masculine out of men, and girls are remade into their own image - into aggressive, dominant women.

I will not talk specifically about school education here. This is not the topic of the book. I will only touch on school education, which did not affect me.

First of all, it was drilled into us that girls should not be beaten. At all. Never. Even in self-defense. Even if in first grade some girls are twice as big as boys. Even in grades 4-6, when girls mature two years earlier than boys and, accordingly, are stronger than them. For example, in our class, 12-year-old girls were head and shoulders taller and stronger than any of the boys. It didn't cost them anything to beat even the weakest guy. However, the school matriarchy was on guard here too. If you suddenly break a girl’s nose in self-defense, you’ll get an armful of problems, ranging from a bad mark for behavior to going to the principal with your parents. And it doesn’t matter that at 12 years old she is stronger and taller than you. She is a sweet girl, and you are a nasty boy.

This is not surprising. During my childhood and youth, the position of a teacher was very poorly paid. Nobody went to school to work. Therefore, they gladly took any aunt who agreed. And most often those who agreed to this meager salary were those who could no longer earn money anywhere because of their nasty, quarrelsome or downright evil character. Or lack of professional skills. There is no selection either for psychological qualities, or for the ability to get along with children, or for moral character, or for basic knowledge of the subject. One of our teachers solved problems only using a solution book, but without it she was at the blackboard like a cow on ice! There is no selection - except for negative qualities.

Meanwhile, school is the worst thing for an aggressive woman. You can assert yourself to your heart's content on children, you can spread rot on hated men (even young ones). The teacher knows that she will not be fired, since finding a replacement for her on a pittance salary is not so easy. Of course, among teachers there are those who are in the profession by vocation. And we had those too. But it is not they who make the weather, but uncultured rednecks without a shadow of pedagogical professionalism.

Some schoolgirls (I don’t dare call them teachers) directly broadcast misogyny, directly saying that men are second-class creatures and must obey women. We had one teacher who suffered from this, twice divorced, hysterical, who spoke exclusively in a raised voice. Always. A favorite topic for “educational conversations” with students was: “Why are all girls obedient and smart, and boys are reckless bandits.” Since she understood inter-gender psychophysiological differences like a pig in ballet, everything devolved into banal humiliation of boys and praise of girls.

Others go further. They provide a “scientific” basis for this feminofascism, quote some “scientific” works, and force people to write abstracts on similar topics. For example, “Discrimination against women in Russia.” Since there is not a single law, not a single article that discriminates against women in the legislation of the Russian Federation (except for the ban on working in hazardous work), the student has to pull it out of the park. And the student must cultivate the foundations of feminofascism in her own consciousness.

I admit that we didn’t have this. In the 90s, intergender conflict was much weaker; there were plenty of other problems. Now, many men, reading my books, share school memories from 3-5-7 years ago. The previous paragraph is written in their words.

When this book was being written, one young man, an 11th grade student, told me the following. In response to an assignment from a teacher (subject - sociology) to write an essay on discrimination against women, he suggested writing an essay on discrimination against men, offhand naming as an example several laws that directly violate the rights of men. In response to this, the teacher immediately gave him a bad mark for not knowing the topic of the lesson. This is patriarchy.

Many teachers simply don’t like or even hate smart kids who really understand the subject. We had these. For example, my biology teacher thought that I didn’t know the subject well, although I won prizes at city and regional competitions, and after the eleventh grade I entered a medical university on a budget basis without any particular difficulties. Without bribes, cronyism, tutors and medical classes. I just came from a regular school and passed it. And against the backdrop of all this, the teacher said without a shadow of embarrassment that I did not know a school textbook designed for a C student.

In fairness, I want to note that in my case this was the exception, not the rule. In particular, teachers of mathematics, chemistry, history, English language They valued smart guys, not sycophants.

Typically, defective teachers are very fond of all kinds of sycophants and do not tolerate independent students who are strong in the subject. For stupid women, servility is more important than knowledge. Often, teachers are so poorly versed in the subject that excellent students and Olympiad winners are much better at it. Of course, these clever girls “undermine the authority” of the would-be teacher, who begins to spread rot and lower their grades. Now I hear about this more and more often. I think the reason is the following. When I was studying, the Soviet order was still preserved in pedagogical education and school in general, and teachers of the old school worked. Now they have retired, and the schools are filled with cynical and unprofessional young people.

Already in my time, the inability of teachers to cope with cattle and hooligans was striking. The teachers were absolutely powerless against anyone deviant behavior students. There was no power in their hands, no means of forcing them to behave decently. As long as there is no crime, teachers cannot do anything. Unless you take him to the director, which is like grain to an elephant for a notorious hooligan. Or call your parents. Which do not dry out for the second week.

I won’t talk about school education here anymore. If anyone is interested, please read the book “The Unreal Man,” chapter “Stages of a man’s upbringing and development.” It says how it should be. I will move on to the relationships between students.

Our school was located in an old area, among workers' dormitories, private buildings, and adjacent to an industrial zone. This determined the number of students. A significant proportion of schoolchildren came from disadvantaged families. That is, highly primative, “difficult” children and adolescents. Multiply this by the “dashing” 90s, and the picture will be clear.

True, there were many smart children among the students. A particularly high-quality team was formed when all the excellent and good students were gathered into one 10th grade class. Until now, teachers say that the 10th B class of 1999 is special. This has never happened before or since.

Before that - from 1st to 9th grade - I was stuck in the typical teenage hierarchy. Not like the one we had in our yard. And formed on the model of a wild human herd. There was no unity in our class; it was divided into groups. At the head of each group is a violent, highly primative alpha guy, most often from a dysfunctional family. Below it are scales. There were also those in the class who did not belong to any group. I am one of those “independent” people. My position was good in that I was an almost excellent student, and therefore everyone wanted to copy from me, including those same “alphas.” Therefore, we had an unspoken agreement: they do not interfere with my life, do not touch me, and I let them (and everyone else) write off. If someone violated the “agreement” and began to show off, then I introduced “retaliatory sanctions” in the form of a refusal to write off. It had a calming effect.

For the first time, it was at school that I became acquainted with one phenomenon - envious people. As you remember, my parents drilled into me the idea that if someone treats you badly, then it’s your own fault - you’ve offended the person in some way. At school, I realized that you can make enemies without doing anything bad to anyone. They will appear simply because you do something better than them. And they will hate you for this. And you can’t do anything about it. The only way to avoid such hostility is to be a nobody and study poorly. Of course, I did not consider this as an option.

One day I fell in love. The romance was short-lived, three wonderful months flew by quickly, and then suddenly he disappeared. The phone was turned off, the Internet page was inaccessible. And he never came again. A man’s view of the question, as well as a psychologist’s recommendations on what to do in a situation of such a separation, read in this article.

Why do they do this?

I went crazy for almost 8 months, went over our meetings in my memory and thought - maybe I’m to blame for something? After all, he loved, because he promised that we would always be together... I wonder how many women had similar stories?

Two years later I found him in one of the social networks. In response to my offer to drink coffee, he stated that he was no longer free and did not want to continue. And I didn’t want to, it’s just that the reasons for the separation remained a mystery to me. Which of us was to blame? Maybe there were some external circumstances?

Many years have passed, but I cannot forget or forgive this. For more than 8 months, I fell asleep every night with the thought that he would definitely call. I thought that one day he would suddenly pick up the phone and remember me. I refused to communicate with other men, believing that I was busy, that I had him... but he didn’t. Of course, I would have suffered if he had said that our relationship was over, but ignorance caused me much more pain.

Male gaze

One day I asked my friend if he had ever done something like this? It turned out that he did. Three girls once found themselves on the “black list” without explanation. He just stopped answering calls one day.

"Why? Don’t you understand that they were waiting?” I wondered, throwing up my hands. “So what...I just realized that I don’t want to communicate anymore...”

“Didn’t you realize they were waiting?” I repeat. “I understood, but that’s their problem. I didn’t have the words to explain anything, and I don’t like lying.”

No matter how I tried to tell him that it was very painful, that even the toughest separation is better than the unknown, he still could not understand me. And I him.

Responsibility in my understanding is the desire to take care of others, to give them what they need. And one of the important conditions is the desire to protect their peace. By disappearing into obscurity, a man not only deprives a woman of peace, but sometimes leads her to serious depression, after which it is difficult to start trusting people again.

The relationship between people when they say goodbye should be better than when they met! Then both receive good parting words for their future lives.

Parting politely and with gratitude is beneficial to both. It would seem an axiom! But...in my psychological practice, I so often encounter complaints about indifferently disappearing partners that I called it the “English syndrome.”

Moreover, they leave in English, without saying goodbye, both men and women. So I’m sorry to disappoint you, dear readers, but this is not exclusively a “male disease”.

We all want happiness. But, unfortunately, we sometimes do the exact opposite. I will briefly answer three main questions:

Why do they do this?

Why is this happening in your life?

What to do?

There are many reasons for such behavior in a couple! There are so many cases, so many nuances and their combinations. Here we will look at several common options:

* “This is what real men/women do” - such a model is “copied” in childhood from those people who different times could personify a father/mother figure. And these are not always parents, even if they were present as role models. It could have been a movie character or someone else. unable to appreciate all the nuances of the situation and critically evaluate such an example.

* “The worse, the better!” - this model of behavior is typical for hidden revenge, “to take it out on others” for unjustified expectations in the past. In a current relationship, a person may strive to compensate for his failure by raising his self-esteem at the expense of his partner. First, a person does everything possible to make this short relationship magical and memorable. Then suddenly and without explanation he disappears, so that the abandoned partner suffers more. This satisfies the vampire's sense of self-worth. Moreover, such a scenario could be craftily prepared from the very beginning.

* "Runaway Bride" - the initial desire to appear better than one is, at all costs, usually leads to such a denouement. But over time, the good guy/good girl mask becomes tight. It's time to open up to your partner! But the fear of being oneself, the inability to say “no” in time, to openly declare one’s desires, force one to lie more and more, dodge and, ultimately, lead the relationship to a dead end. Thus, a person finds himself in his own trap and, fearing exposure, simply runs away “from the scene of the crime.” It's good if he understands his mistake. And if not, then he simply blames his partner for everything, saying “the wrong one.” His partner usually remains blissfully unaware of the real situation until the very end! And when he legitimately demands an explanation, he hears in response: “I don’t have the words to explain something, and I don’t like to lie.” Although it was lies, albeit unconscious ones, that led to this situation.
Perhaps there are enough examples... I wonder why you got the “disappearing” partner?

As you know, there are no positive or negative situations, there are educational ones. This needs to be dealt with. Most likely, this situation happens if you need a lesson to understand something and change something in your thinking and behavior. In turn, the other person also needs someone who will allow him to show his qualities, and, finally, “see” them and work on them, for example, through feedback.

Voila - you are inevitably attracted to each other, like a magnet. And you like each other madly! Of course, you can’t like others! You simply won’t notice them, and they won’t notice you))) So it’s useless for now to describe the desirable qualities of princes on white horses. Well... you understand me...

How to act in such a situation and what to do to avoid similar lessons in the future? Ask yourself questions:

What ideas do I have about how people should behave if they realize the need to break up?

And if only one partner realized, then how should the other behave?

What examples of behavior in separation situations are there in my family?

What ideas do people around me have about this?

How do I behave in similar situations, perhaps in other areas of my life?

And finally, ask yourself the main question: “What is this situation teaching me?” An answer like: “never trust anyone again” is, to put it mildly, incorrect) And until you find the correct answer, such situations will occur in your life with enviable regularity.
An adult can and should reconsider all (!) patterns of gender-role behavior inherited or imposed by the social environment.

How to do this? First you need to see and admit that there are patterns and most of our actions are unconscious. Then look boldly and critically at the patterned reactions that govern us now. Filter constructive patterns from destructive ones. Then try to consciously replace destructive behavior with constructive behavior. Hint: Creative behavior cannot be a pattern by definition.

You will have to learn to act according to circumstances, relying on YOUR wisdom. Sometimes it’s difficult to figure it out on your own, especially if emotions run high. Then don’t waste the precious time of your life on mistakes, contact the specialists!

Love and be loved!