What problems can there be with adopted children? Problems of raising an adopted child. These include

Adopting a child is a very responsible step. The desire to adopt a baby is perhaps an even more serious decision than having your own. And you need to accept it with full responsibility, realizing that you will have no way back. Let us dwell in more detail on the difficulties that await people who decide to become adoptive parents.

Collection of documents

Many potential adoptive parents, after contacting the department of guardianship and trusteeship, are intimidated by the paperwork associated with adoption. And they stop considering this option, believing that it is easier to fly into space than to adopt a child.

The main requirement that undermines those interested is the level of income and a strict standard for living space: 14 square meters for each family member, including an adopted child. He will also need to be allocated a separate sleeping area and a desk for studying. An HIV-infected baby and a disabled child are provided with a separate room.

If you are determined to accept a baby into your family, you should begin collecting the necessary documents. You need to confirm your legal capacity as a parent: fill out a form, provide a marriage certificate (single parents also have a chance to become an adoptive parent), confirm the availability of housing, official work and stable income. There are also restrictions: the presence of a criminal record and serious illnesses (tuberculosis, mental disorders, alcoholism, etc.). Their complete list is given in Article 127 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation.

Form for accepting a child into a family

If all the documents are in order, then the family faces the problem of what form of adoption of the child to choose. Let's look at the two most common: foster care and adoption.

Guardianship

Guardianship means accepting a child as a foster child. It is established over children who have not reached 14 years of age, and can be indefinite or appointed for a certain period. The state pays a monthly allowance to a child under guardianship, and upon reaching the age of 18, housing is allocated. However, guardianship requires active intervention in family affairs on the part of the relevant authorities. You will not be able to change the date of birth, and changing the child's last name is difficult. It should be remembered that other applicants for guardianship or adoption of a child may appear at any time.

Adoption

Upon adoption, the baby acquires a full-fledged family with all rights and responsibilities. You can change his date of birth, assign your last name and patronymic. The adopted child receives the right to inheritance, just like your natural children, and in case of divorce, the right to alimony. If the adoption is canceled, the court, based on the interests of the child, may oblige you to pay funds for his maintenance.

Child adaptation

Many abandoned children have serious problems adapting to a foster family. If parents took a baby from an orphanage, then no special problems may arise, since he has not yet had a negative educational experience. A child over two years old, who has seen enough scandals between biological mom and dad, may react sharply to a loud voice and be afraid of any rustle. It is even more difficult for teenagers who have already lived a difficult life and learned to adapt to it in a not always “legal” way.

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Adoptive parents often fear that their children will exhibit bad heredity. Therefore, adults live in constant tension and look for shortcomings in the child’s development and behavior. Having noticed bad inclinations, parents begin to think that they cannot do anything about bad inclinations, and are disappointed in their choice.

Practice shows that many difficulties arise due to the fault of adults. They are afraid to punish their adopted child if he is, because they think that he will consider himself unloved and a stranger. Remember that proper upbringing in most cases allows you to improve your emotional state and get rid of negative habits.

The truth about adoption

Every adoptive parent sooner or later asks himself a difficult question: should he tell his child, who has already become his own child, the truth about adoption? Let's try to figure out what can happen if you keep a secret.

It seems to many parents that the truth about the appearance of a child in the family can cripple his life forever. It’s as if you are trying this situation on yourself, thinking about how you would feel if your beloved parents suddenly turned out to be step-parents. Of course, this would be a serious blow.

On the other hand, where is the guarantee that the child will not find this truth in the documents or that numerous “well-wishers” will not tell him? Finding out that you are adopted from strangers is much more unpleasant. Not only are your mom and dad not your family, but it also turns out that they have been lying to you your whole life. In such a case, the emergence of mistrust and disappointment in the relationship, as well as numerous problems, is inevitable.

Whether or not to tell the truth to your stepchild is up to you to decide. But if your offspring, having learned that he is not his own, feels an atmosphere of love and understanding, serious conflicts should not arise.

Psychologists are sure that the difficult behavior of an adopted child may be a kind of response to what is happening inside the family into which he came. And without changes within the family, it can be difficult to achieve changes in the behavior of the children themselves.

What happens to boundaries within the family? Photo – cyberprzemoczstio.eu

Child and family psychologist, visiting specialist at the Resource Center for Assistance to Adoptive Families with Special Children (Foundation Fund "Here and Now") Jessica Frantova identifies 4 reasons why a child behaves difficultly. She shared her opinion with the participants of the conference “Difficult behavior of an adopted child: prevention, causes, correction,” organized by the Here and Now Charitable Foundation for Orphans.

Jessica Frantova, psychologist.

Boundaries within the family

Most parents are very fond of saying that children do not respect boundaries, do not respect parents, and do things without asking. Family psychologists advise parents to ask themselves the question: “What is happening with the boundaries within your family?”

“You and I grew up in a culture where boundaries were not respected in principle. For many of us, the question arises: what boundaries are we even talking about? Are the doors to your room locked? Are they knocking? Is permission asked to enter the child's room? How do you address each other? I often get surprised looks when I ask parents these questions,” says family and child psychologist Jessica Frantova.

Often parents can take the child’s things without asking, enter his room without asking, and believe that the child does not have his own opinion until he grows up. “The most offensive thing is that when parents say such things, they don’t really mean this. They simply repeat statements to which they are accustomed. They are not aware of the context that lies behind these phrases.

The child is in this situation, and then we wonder why he does not respect other people’s boundaries, for example, he steals. Theft is also a violation of boundaries. Accordingly, working with boundaries and their construction within the family can have a very beneficial effect on how the child will behave in society and respect other people’s boundaries,” notes Jessica Frantova.

Merger

Merger is when an adult very, very much within himself and his emotional background merges with the child. It’s quite easy to see: an adult says “we” to himself and a child who is over 1 year old. “We sleep”, “we eat”, “we got vaccinated”, “we went to university”, “we got a job”. Psychologists call for “we” to end in one to one and a half years.

What are the dangers of a merger? An adult entering into a merger with a child is looking for a partner in order to survive his difficulties. And he sees this partner in the child. He merges with the child's problems so as not to solve his own. And therefore, the adult is not interested in the child solving his problems.

“It is so inherent that every person wants to be himself, to develop. And when there is a merger, the adult sends a signal to the child: “No, you do not have the right to leave.” How should a child behave in such a situation? To protest with all your might and show “no, I’m not you, I’m different.” Often “I’m different” is transformed into “I’m bad” to show one’s difference, the right to be oneself,” says Jessica Frantova.

Adults need to learn to reframe “we” into “I” and “other.” And more often ask yourself the question: “Who are we?”

Hierarchy

In the family hierarchy there are higher ones - parents and grandparents (grandparents), from whom we receive love, support and care. There are partners - brothers, sisters, friends, and there are inferior ones - children and animals, to whom love and care are given.

Violations are possible in the hierarchy: when subordinates (children) are placed in the place of partners or when they are placed in the rank of grandparents and parents. That is, they begin to expect support and help, which they cannot give due to the fact that they are small and their place in the system is different.

“When a child finds himself in such a situation, when he saves his parents, consoles them, helps them, feels important, we get a difficult teenager. Because he is confident that he is the head of the family. His family made it clear to him that he was such a good guy, he could save his parents from loneliness and tears. And when you try to remove this crown from a child, he is incredibly surprised that it is he who should be saved. Adopted children did not receive enough help from their superiors. And without this resource, they still have to give us something... If a child is made to understand that his place in the system is to receive and not to give, we can see good changes in his behavior,” notes family and child psychologist Jessica Frantova.

What should adults do who want to demand the love of a child? Experts suggest getting a dog and remind you that a dog is ready to love unconditionally and will accept you as you are. The second way is to remember that everyone is entitled to two parents, two grandmothers and two grandfathers. Not all of them were a resource during life. But in a deep philosophical sense, each of them wants us to be happy.

“In difficult life situations, I recommend remembering how many people above you want the best for you. Imagine them, talk to them, listen to their voices in your heart, call those who are alive, go to visit them,” recommends a family psychologist.

Family secrets

If the adoptive family has topics that are difficult to talk about or scary to think about, rest assured that the adopted child will quickly figure them out, the expert points out. If someone in the family is cheating, then the child will cheat; if someone steals, then the child will also steal.

“What cannot be talked about, the so-called family Voldemort will definitely come out. If we see difficult behavior, we ask ourselves and our family where we experienced something similar. For example, if there was an unreleased death, a terrible loss, then the child may also get lost. If there is a secret of adoption, a secret about the blood family, then the closer the child is to puberty, the more he will show himself everything that is hidden and what is unknown. The fewer secrets, the better,” says the expert.

Dear adoptive parents, how do you feel about the blood fathers and mothers, other relatives of your adopted child (children)?

The family is a living structure, experts point out. The child spends most of his new life in his new family. Accordingly, the laws of this family, public and unspoken, the emotions that circulate within the family, family secrets are what the child unconsciously adapts to in order to survive. In adolescence, a child stops restraining himself and wants to prove to the whole world that he knows what is right. He wants to do the best for his parents by pointing out their mistakes. He does what they have done to him all his life: in order to teach something, they show shortcomings. This is a fairly common parenting method in our culture.

“There is a theme that children owe us. Children should only have one thing - to be happy. This is the best indicator of our work,” the psychologists summarize.

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There are times in life when people think about adopting a foster child. This may be a consequence of various reasons: an altruistic desire to help a child who has been left an orphan, the inability for some reason to give birth to one’s own child, the desire for a large family in the absence of health to independently give birth to many children. But whatever the real reason for adoption, future parents (or a parent) will certainly be faced with the question of how difficult it will be to raise an adopted child, what problems may arise in connection with adoption, and how to help the adopted child adapt to a new family?

The main problems associated with the adoption of a child and his upbringing can be divided into 3 groups:

1) Child adaptation and relationships with adoptive parents

It is very important for adoptive parents to understand one thing: no matter what age you accept a child into your family, the negative experience of the past will still put pressure on him. And no matter how you show your love for him, no matter how hard you try to be good parents for him, the child’s mental trauma will still manifest itself. This kind of manifestation can be different: anxiety, sleep disturbance, appetite, the appearance of inappropriate reactions to any actions of the adoptive parents. Usually, when parents welcome a foster child into their home, they think: “Now we will provide him with a warm, cozy home, delicious food, and surround him with warmth and care. We will be able to give him the love that his biological parents deprived him of.” But, thinking to themselves this way, adoptive parents do not take into account one important detail: it is much easier for them to give love to their adopted child than for him to accept it. The fact is that abandoned children are special, and in communicating with them and raising them, difficulties arise that cannot be resolved with love alone. The burden of an adopted child’s past will sooner or later lead to the fact that he will begin to wonder: why did this happen, why was I abandoned? And at this stage it is necessary to provide the baby with timely psychological support, otherwise his internal experiences will spill out, manifesting themselves in the form of bad, provocative or rejecting behavior: he may start swearing, rocking, sucking his finger, smearing excrement on the walls, peeing or come up with something more “original” only to cause self-rejection.

But there is another extreme. It happens that a child, having not received proper care from adults in infancy, can, on the contrary, be very trusting and easily go into everyone’s arms, call everyone mom and dad, but it is just as easy to forget. Such a child easily agrees with everything that is told to him, he is passive and, in fact, is not attached to anyone. Such children experience serious difficulties in establishing close contacts and permanent relationships, which must be taken into account when raising them.

And both of these extremes are a normal psychological reaction of a person to the fact that he was once abandoned and betrayed. The fact is that both extremes are aimed at only one thing: not to become attached to anyone, so as not to be deceived and betrayed again. The first extreme is aimed at alienating loving people from oneself, which is an attitude: to provoke rejection, which he himself is afraid of, that is, to reject him himself before they abandon him. The second extreme is aimed at not allowing yourself to become attached to anyone. Thus, the child subconsciously decides for himself that allowing himself to love and be loved is too dangerous for him.

As a rule, adoptive parents cannot understand what is happening to their child: he can leave with anyone or provoke him to be abandoned. In such a situation, the most important thing in raising a foster child is not to be left alone with your problems, but to turn to a psychologist for professional help.

Sometimes a child can show special “inventiveness” and, instead of becoming a “connecting link,” prefer one particular family member - mom or dad. If the family is not very strong, this can lead to divorce. Many families in such situations rush to abandon the further education of such a child, thereby causing him yet another psychological trauma. But the guardianship authorities have their own sanction in this regard: abandoned adoptive parents are deprived of parental rights, and no other guardianship authority will give them an adopted child to care for. In addition, according to Article 143 of the Family Code, “The court, based on the interests of the child, has the right to oblige the former adoptive parent to pay funds for the maintenance of the child...”.

2) Heredity

Let's not lie - of course, the topic of heredity worries adoptive parents and is a certain problem in education, because of which many are simply afraid to accept children from an orphanage into their family. After all, everyone knows the fact that psychological problems can be corrected, but “you can’t argue against heredity.” Basically, this fear is associated with the opinion that has existed for many years and is still current that children in orphanages are all born from alcoholics, drug addicts and criminals, and the vices of their parents will certainly be inherited and will sooner or later appear. But geneticists have their own opinion on this matter. They say that upbringing and heredity have the same influence on personality development. But no one is immune from crime, drug addiction or alcoholism - otherwise why do people with such vices sometimes appear in quite prosperous families?

There is also an opinion that the biological parents of children who end up in orphanages often have hereditary mental illnesses. Yes, indeed, many abandoned children have parents who suffer from this kind of illness, but it should also be noted that not all of them are hereditary.

And in general, genetics is a rather inexact science. After all, genes have the property of “hiding” for several generations, and appearing only in the third or fourth. But one way or another, every person has “bad” genes - and when they will appear and whether they will appear at all - this is a complex question and does not have a clear answer.

3) Health

The issue of an adopted child’s health can be considered related to the issue of heredity, since both of these issues provoke similar fears and problems in raising adopted children and are also resolved in a similar way. Where do these fears come from?

The fact is that many potential adoptive parents believe that children kept in orphanages are not in good health. This is partly true. The medical records of such children indicate many diagnoses, but a significant part of these diagnoses are established immediately after the birth of the children and most of them, with good care and education, quickly disappear. However, the longer the baby stays in the orphanage, where his care, of course, leaves much to be desired, the more “baggage” of diagnoses he can collect for himself. But in most cases, all these problems can be solved if the child ends up in a loving family, where he is provided with decent care, treatment and education. It is also worth mentioning that only a small part of the diagnoses included in the adopted child’s medical record may require long-term treatment. But, of course, it would not be superfluous to conduct a medical diagnosis of a new family member in order to prevent the appearance of some diseases that the adoptive parents may not be aware of.

The only pitfall is that some diseases can appear with age. But, unfortunately, no one is immune from this. After all, this could, God forbid, happen to your own child, but you wouldn’t abandon him because of this, would you? Therefore, both when having your own child and when deciding on an adopted child, you need to determine for yourself that you are ready to accept him as he is. And, as practice shows, having decided this for themselves, adoptive parents forget all their fears and stop worrying about possible illnesses of their adopted child. And, of course, it is worth remembering that in orphanages there are also absolutely healthy children who turned out to be orphans due to various tragic circumstances.

Conclusion

What can be summarized and what should you be guided by when deciding to take such a serious step - to take an adopted child into your family to raise? First of all, you need to clearly understand that you are taking in a sick baby - a sick child, first of all, mentally, and sometimes spiritually, whose healing will take time. And if you are not ready for this, it is better not to make mistakes.

It is also important to understand that to raise an adopted child, it is not enough just to have a kind, loving heart and a desire to help. We must, first of all, be guided by healthy realism. Yes, you are ready to take this baby, he is ready to accept you - but that’s not all. First of all, imagine what you want your child to be like: what he should look like, what he should say, what he should love, how he should learn. Introduced? Now understand: your child, no matter how hard you try to raise him this way, will NEVER fit this image. And this applies not only to an adopted child, but also to a native one. Therefore, let us repeat once again probably the most important thing when deciding to take a child from an orphanage: you must accept him as he is. And under no circumstances should you expect him to meet all your expectations and become what you want him to be. Only in this case will your endeavor be crowned with success, the problems of raising an adopted child will not look so threatening - and the baby will be happy in your family.

The article is based on a clinical case. From the parents' story - the adopted child does not obey:

“Vasya was two years old when we adopted him. Now he is seven. He was a healthy, cheerful baby and we liked him right away. We have been trained in foster parenting. All was good. The problems started when he entered kindergarten. I didn’t want to go there, I threw tantrums and became stubborn. Then he began to steal other children's toys and bring them home. I hid these toys under the mattress. How embarrassing it was in front of the parents of these children!

They forced him to ask for forgiveness! They had to search him every time they picked him up from kindergarten. He didn’t obey no matter what they asked, he did everything the opposite. He even soiled his clothes on purpose. We talked to him in a good way, but he doesn't understand. They put me in a corner and sometimes punished me with a belt. They deprived me of a computer. He doesn’t care, he even started stealing and hiding food.

Now I'm in first grade. He stole money from the closet. I bought sweets with them and ate them. It took us a long time to find out where he had put the money; we had to beat the words out of him with a belt. We found chocolate wrappers and hid them behind the table. Then they believed that he spent it on sweets. He also steals from stores. He doesn’t want to study at school, is rude to the teacher, and shows aggression towards other children. The teacher found him and a boy from the senior class smoking a cigarette. He's only seven, and he's already smoking! And already a thief! What to do? We can't handle him!

Natural and adopted children - is there a difference? Why do problems arise in raising adopted children?

When a woman gives birth to her child, she does not know what it will be like; she does not choose either the gender or the mental characteristics of the baby. A child is born naturally as he is, and a woman has a maternal instinct towards him. This is a natural mechanism, it is necessary for the preservation of offspring in both animals and humans.

In the presence of maternal instinct, the life of the baby is assessed by the mother as a priority over her own life. The mother takes care of the child, invests the best in him and unconsciously does not expect any return from him. They love their own child, no matter what he is and no matter what he has done.

When adopting, people can choose the child themselves. When people adopt, they use their own minds and preferences. They choose the one they like. Those who are not liked are not taken, and if they are adopted, it is with the goal of making him into someone who would be liked. There is no maternal instinct towards adopted children. Adoptive parents consciously do everything for the baby, but something may not go the way they want. If, in the presence of maternal instinct, a mother is naturally aimed by nature at giving the child everything she has, even her own life, then a different attitude is formed towards adopted children.

During adoption, the natural mechanism of the child’s priority over the parents does not work. Nature planned everything correctly, because the future is children who must survive and get the best so that the human species continues to exist and develop. Therefore, the mother is ready to give her life for her child. Adoptive parents act differently.

The best intentions can push people out of an orphanage. Some cannot give birth to their own child and take them into the family to love them as if they were their own. So that there is someone to pass on the family business and inheritance to. Others want to give a destitute, abandoned child a home out of compassion. One way or another, people act out of their desire, that is, out of their unconscious egoistic desire, which they do not realize. This means that they perform an action with the expectation of return, that is, receipt. Give to receive in return. There is no unconscious regulation between adopted children and parents, as happens with a natural child through the maternal instinct. Adoptive parents are guided by their own minds, which can be wrong.

Your own children can delight you with their achievements - excellent studies, obedience, help, success in sports. But they may not please, but on the contrary, upset. Nevertheless, they remain their own, and even if the son is a young thief and criminal, the mother will protect him and justify him.

We expect results from an adopted child. This is an internal attitude and it is unconscious. It turns out an exchange: “I’m for you, and you for me.” If the adopted child does not live up to expectations and behaves badly, then the parents do not get what they want unconsciously. Not receiving the desired obedience and development of the adopted child, parents punish him in a way that they would not do with their own children. The unconscious expectation of a return from the adopted baby makes relationships with him very difficult. That is why so many problems arise in raising adopted children - they can start stealing, show aggression, and express protest in different ways. There are often cases when parents return their child back to the orphanage because they could not cope with him.

Seven-year-old Vasya was beaten, humiliated in front of the public, and punished. Parents did this involuntarily, because their own children are often punished and beaten. In this same case, the child became so uncontrollable that the parents turned to a psychiatrist for help.

How to solve the psychological problems of raising an adopted child in this family?

Any child, natural or adopted, needs a sense of security and safety, and Vasya is no exception. This is necessary for the development of his psyche. The baby unconsciously feels that his parents, especially his mother, preserve his life and health, including mental balance. This means that he can develop calmly and subsequently begin to preserve himself independently when he mentally matures for puberty.

The psyche develops until adolescence, and before this time the child manifests himself as not yet mature, not an adult. You can’t ask him like an adult. As they did with Vasya - “steals.” He didn't steal. Vasya, being deprived of a sense of security and safety, was forced to preserve himself, that is, mentally he had to behave like an adult with an immature psyche.

This is how mental development delays occur - both in adopted and natural children. The difference is that the adopted child does not initially receive a sense of security and safety based on maternal instinct. If a native child loses security and safety when he is shouted at, beaten, humiliated, then the same actions of his adopted Vasya aggravated his developmental delays more and more. Therefore, improper upbringing of adopted children, ignorance of the psychological nuances and peculiarities of raising adopted children can lead a family to disastrous consequences.

There will be no maternal instinct towards an adopted child. But it is possible to create an emotional connection with him. This is sensual, confidential communication. You can start by reading bedtime stories.

An emotional connection will allow you to create and maintain a strong relationship with your child for life. And reading bedtime stories and reading together as a family is the education of feelings, the key to a child’s future ability to perceive the world as beautiful, to see the beauty of another person’s soul, and to create happy couple relationships.

The tradition of a common family table strengthens relationships. When people enjoy food together and at the same time share their sensory experiences about something, it brings them even closer together. Joint dinners should be in all families, and not just those where a foster child is being raised.

In order to properly raise an adopted child, as well as in order to avoid problems in raising both adopted and natural children, it is necessary to know the characteristics of their psyche. The baby is born with already given abilities. According to the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, the psyche consists of parts (vectors), there are eight of them in total. This means that the child already has several innate vectors out of eight that make up his psyche. Each vector is endowed with its own special properties and talents.

They are in their infancy and need to be developed. In the process of development, the child himself, through his behavior, shows where upbringing mistakes are made. Vasya did this many times. Theft is a sign that a child is physically punished, who is able to develop from a little thief into a talented engineer, manager, and representative of the law.

A sense of security and safety, emotional connection, family traditions, correct development according to innate properties (vectors) will help solve problems in raising not only Vasya’s adopted child, but also his own child.

How to avoid problems when adopting a child and raising him in a foster family?

First of all, it is necessary to realize that by adopting a child, we take responsibility for his life. He needs to feel. When parents stand over him like strict censors, ready at any next moment to punish him for not living up to what was invested in him, this is the path to the emergence of upbringing problems and developmental delays in the adopted child.

The question arises: how to choose a child for adoption? One from which parents have nothing to gain, but can only invest in - they can adopt. We are talking about physically disabled people. Those children who cannot please us with achievements in anything, even grandchildren. Thus, adoptive parents deliberately put themselves in a situation where they will only invest in the development of the child and will not expect anything in return. Unconsciously it will work and it is the right choice. Mentally ill children cannot be adopted - they can be patronized, but not taken into the family.

When a child of a deceased relative is adopted, the mechanism of giving to the child and giving priority to the child over the parents also comes into play. Such a child is unconsciously perceived as one of our own; he can and should be adopted.

To learn more about raising children according to their innate abilities, start studying system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. Register for free lectures using the link.

The article was written using materials from Yuri Burlan’s online training “System-vector psychology”
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“When a child comes into a family, it’s like a wedding. This is not the beginning of a beautiful fairy tale, but of real life,” recalls Natalya Stepina, Head of the Resource Center for Assistance to Adoptive Families with Special Children (charitable foundation “Here and Now”).

Changing the difficult behavior of an adopted child is possible, experts are convinced. “This child doesn’t know what to do with it, but we know. Let’s just teach him and his parents,” says Natalya Stepina. What parents need to pay attention to and what to do, said psychologists and representatives of NGOs, participants in the conference “Difficult Behavior: What an Adopted Child Expects from Society, Specialists, and Parents.”

What's wrong with them?

These children are unable to recognize their own emotions— no one taught them this. As a result, any emotion overwhelms the child, and he is in a state of chaotic excitement. How can he plan his life if he doesn’t understand what’s happening to him! Such children can be impulsive, pugnacious, they are perceived as aggressive, although they are simply overwhelmed by passion, explains Natalya Stepina.

They can't stand it, they can't bear the wait. They find it difficult to follow rules. That's why they look like cranky three-year-olds, even if they are teenagers. And this discourages and demotivates adults.

This provocative children. They are not destroyers, they want to create, they just don’t know how to do it. Such a child tests an adult for “liceiness” - he is looking for a strong adult who will give him a sense of security. “If you coo and give in to a provocative child, it will be worse. They put on a show, beautiful hysterics,” says Natalya Stepina. “We had a case where parents almost divorced because of problems with their difficult adopted child. Often adults do not know how to react to such situations. Teachers, by the way, too.” A child with an orphanage background may demonstratively commit bad deeds, for example, it may be theft - as one of the ways to break the rules. “Often they also do this deliberately in front of others. This is a way to get people to know about him. So that adults would “jump”, and peers would think that he is cool,” explains the expert.

Children from orphanages often difficulty understanding boundaries. “Once upon a time they were not given the feeling of a “home” where they could hide. Such children do not feel well about their bodies - they have not been picked up enough. They don’t understand space well—in shelters, they often just sat in their cribs,” notes Natalya Stepina. “They may leave the lesson because they simply don’t understand why they have to sit until the end.”

Oxygen mask for parents

Experts are worried: for some reason we have a stereotype that if a child is difficult, the adoptive parents are to blame. There is actually a stigma attached to the family. “In fact, the psyche of adoptive parents is often so exhausted during the family’s adaptation period that the family is in danger of collapse. And the children are under threat of being returned,” emphasizes Natalya Stepina.

An important principle in a situation with a difficult child is to help the parents. “It’s like on an airplane - the oxygen mask needs to be put on first by an adult, then by a child. We professionals begin by accepting the difficulties in the child. And we tell parents – yes, it’s true, it’s difficult with your child. For them, such acceptance is the most important factor,” says Natalya Stepina. “Dozens of mothers begin to cry at these words - when they are not told that you “must save society” or “you need to put your life on your child,” but when they accept their difficulties.”

We work not with bad behavior, but with its cause

Olga Neupokoeva, correctional psychologist. Photo from the site kommersant.ru

Correctional psychologist Olga Neupokoeva notes that if at the reception there was a wave of adoptive families with children with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), now psychologists are increasingly turning to psychologists with RAD (reactive attachment disorder).

Parents often make a mistake: they begin to fight the symptom—difficult behavior, educational retardation—rather than the cause—RAD. Experts advise parents to shift their attention to working with attachment difficulties. “Difficult behavior is a child’s psychological defense; thanks to it, the child survived – both physically and mentally. You can break a child, open his defenses. But he will resist to the last and win, the children have more motivation,” notes Olga Neupokoeva.

Correctly building the family hierarchy

The child always tries to adapt to the adoptive family. Actually, natural children behave the same way, we just don’t always notice it. An adopted child comes to a family with his own experience, but sometimes his problematic behavior is a response to the system he came into, he believes Jessica Frantova, child and family psychologist of the Charitable Foundation “Here and Now”.

“In adolescence, this is intensified - the child stops restraining himself and wants to show the whole world that he knows how to do the right thing. He wants to say: look, I adjusted to you, but you are wrong here, here and here,” explains Jessica Frantova. - Or he wants to make his parents the best - but how? He tries to “teach them life” by showing them their shortcomings, just as adults do to him.” So, the specialist advises, try to hear the context in the child’s words and behavior.

In our families - as in our society - personal boundaries are often violated, and this also affects the child’s behavior. For example, reminds Jessica Frantova, think about how you address each other at home? Does the door close in the child's room, do you knock on him? Often the child does not have not only his own room, but also no personal space. And also - the right to your opinion. Adults also need to be able to set and respect boundaries – and teach this to a child.

Another common problem in families is when a parent merges with his child in his thoughts. Such parents talk about the child in the plural “we” - “We entered”, “We got a job.” Such an adult, explains Jessica Frantova, is not interested in the child starting to solve his problems. And the child, in response, instinctively tries to break out of such a merger. But how? He tries to become bad - subconsciously, believing that this way they will “let him go” faster.

Adults also make mistakes in building hierarchical relationships in the family. Sometimes parents expect support and help from their children, which they cannot give. “Giving support is the responsibility of superiors or peers. Children, by definition, are not in this position,” explains the psychologist. — When a child “saves” his parents, when they try to use him as a support, we end up with a difficult teenager. Because a burden falls on him that he cannot bear, and he begins to “build” everyone.”

Secret takes away strength

Veronika Zolotova and Elena Pozdnyakova, employees of the Puzzle psychological center and the Children + charity foundation. Photos from the sites estaltclub.com and b17.ru

Another source of tension is family secrets. Let's say, the mystery of adoption or the mystery of diagnosis. Some teens don't want others to know that they are from foster care. Or that they have HIV-positive status. Some people don’t know about it themselves, but they guess something.

“Teenagers get depressed. There is a hormonal change, different mental processes are formed. They find it difficult to contain their emotions. It is difficult to assess, for example, the degree of risk and make long-term plans. Now imagine: in this state, the child is also keeping a secret, and is afraid that someone might expose him,” they say Veronica Zolotova and Elena Pozdnyakova, employees of the Puzzle psychological center and the Children + charity foundation.

Instead of integrating into the world, the child spends resources on keeping secrets. And then there is not enough strength to achieve, to set goals. As a result, we get a difficult teenager who behaves provocatively.

“The child sees how the parent is tense, looking for answers to his uncomfortable questions, and feels anxiety. Parents also make it up - “don’t tell anyone, it will be bad, everyone will turn their backs on you.” As a result, children look for answers to their questions on the Internet - and find what they want to find,” emphasizes Veronika Zolotova.

Adoptive fathers and mothers are often unprepared for the consequences of the diagnosis being made public. They don't know what reaction the child will face. They don’t know where to turn for help, but foster families have to demonstrate success in front of regulatory authorities. All this creates great emotional intensity, and it is difficult for both parents and children to cope.

Psychologists are convinced that there is no need to hide anything from a child. What is said out loud stops scaring you so much. The teenager is influenced not by the secret itself, but by unlived feelings.

“For example, often a child with a diagnosis is given medication, but is not told about his illness. They say about the pills - these are vitamins. This is mistake. At some point, the child will not want to take “vitamins”, and will have to explain that these are vital medications,” Veronika Zolotova gives an example. And against the background of fears, obsessive thoughts arise. For example, HIV-infected children may begin to look for signs of illness and obsessive thoughts about death.

Of course, accepting a diagnosis as a teenager is not an easy process. First there is shock, a short but violent emotional outburst. Then - denial: I don’t have any illness, we live as before. The third stage is aggression, refusal of treatment, possible suicidal thoughts, blaming others for what happened to him. Then the stage of depression begins. And here a significant adult is important who will support and listen. Finally, the fifth stage is reconciliation with the situation, when emotional support is also extremely important.