Everyone has long been interested in the question, is there friendship between a man and a woman? The situation becomes more complicated if your friend is also your ex-boyfriend. How to become bosom buds if you once shared a bed together? TOPBEAUTY will tell you how to make friends with your ex, and at the same time find out if you really need it.

friendship with a man

Experts in the field of interpersonal relationships say with each other that friendship between a man and a woman does not exist. A lonely girl, as a rule, is in a state of search. When a male friend appears next to her, she quickly gets used to his presence nearby. On the subconscious, a woman is already beginning to expect something more from this communication. A man always knows what he wants. So there are two options here:

• he cunningly tries to ingratiate himself and persuade the girl to closer contact
• he perceives you initially as a friend and does not plan anything more.

Friends of the same sex always balance on the verge of falling in love on one side or the other. In addition, a person cannot be friends with someone he does not like. After all, they choose a friend for themselves for some qualities, for character traits, a friend is respected and appreciated.

The relationship between a man and a woman based on mutual understanding is a separate kind of interaction. It occurs with colleagues at work or with people of different sexes who are connected by the same thing. Such friendships go hand in hand with professional interest.

Friendship with an ex

When people break up, it's usually accompanied by the phrase "let's be friends." But is it possible?

If you met for a long time, then, of course, this person became family and friends. But you need to be aware of whether you are ready to let him go. After all, each of you will have to start a new relationship sooner or later. Are you ready to watch him hug another?

Psychologists say with confidence that friendly relations between once loving friend other people are impossible. Firstly, due to the fact that someone initiated the separation, and the other side continues to love and suffer. Secondly, after the end of the relationship, each of the couple has accumulated a lot of resentment and claims. Thirdly, if the separation was due to treason or betrayal, then anger and a thirst for revenge will overpower all the best intentions.

Only those girls whose feelings slowly faded away and eventually faded away have a chance to maintain friendship with the former. If the same thing happened to your partner, then you definitely have respect for each other. And this is a good foundation for further friendship.

If you still decide to be friends with the former, then do not forget that there is always the possibility of a relapse. You will communicate well, for a second it will even seem that everything is better than before. And then suddenly a wild desire can be born to return everything back, to become a couple again, because you feel so good together! This is where you need to stop and take a breath. Remember why you broke up. And do not forget that these problems have not gone away. You just don't go back to them because they are no longer a couple.

Of course, all cases are individual. Surely, there are girls who managed not to spoil the friendship with the former. But it is always better to leave the past in the past and give way to the future.

10 chose

According to the films, the words "let's be friends"- one of the most common phrases when parting. If reality is to be believed, this perhaps the most dishonest words. Arguing with them can only be sacramental "It's not about you, it's about me..." Practice shows that former lovers rarely remain friends. More often - keep a good face when bad game. Let's see why this happens, in which cases friendship between former lovers is impossible, and in which it is worth trying.

Why is it needed?

If during the relationship a man has become a dear and close person for you, the desire to continue communication is understandable, not to lose from a friend. If, on the contrary, the hobby was easy and short-lived, and at the end you realized that you were not very interested in each other, it is not clear why you should continue to communicate in a new form.

There are situations when girls, breaking off relationships, leave the former lover "with you." The young man, continuing to cherish the hope of restoring relations, is always there, will help, if necessary, support, congratulate on the holiday and will not let you feel lonely. On the one hand, it is convenient: there is always someone who will reinstall Windows, pick them up from the airport, and give compliments. On the other hand, it's not fair to a former lover. The situation can be reversed, when a man leaves his ex-girlfriend "with him". It’s not good to put a person in such a situation; to fall into it yourself is definitely not worth it. So, offering a young man to "remain friends" honestly answer yourself the question of why you need this.And is it necessary at all?

Peace is impossible

Often friendship after a relationship is impossible due to the fact that one person initiated the breakup, while the other continues to love and suffer. Or if mutual insults overpower all good feelings for each other. Usually at the exit from such a relationship, partners are more likely to be in a state of fierce war than friendship. Everyone hurts, and because of this, he tries to make his ex-lover even more painful.

"If there were betrayals or betrayals in a relationship, then most likely no friendship will come of it, resentment, revenge, anger will still not give you the opportunity to completely forgive your partner", - considers psychologist Maria Pugacheva.

There is a chance!

The couple has the greatest chance of parting as friends, feelings in which slowly and evenly faded away, but respect for each other remained. Or people who calmly and peacefully realized that they now have different goals, so they cannot go further together.

The problem is that such things are very difficult to understand calmly.- partners usually put pressure on each other, try to win over to their side, and the case often ends in scandals, swearing and unpleasant scenes. And from such a situation to go to friendship is very difficult.

"former" and "current"

Even if the relationship after the breakup was great, problems may arisewhen one of the "former" has someone "current": jealousy and a sense of ownership has not been canceled. Moreover, against the background of a happy personal life of a former lover, you feel your own loneliness more acutely.

One of my friends noticed that in such a situation, the "happier" one should be softer with his former partner: talk less about your relationship, pay attention to it, emphasize its importance. In that case, of course, if he wants to maintain friendly relations.

Of course, it is better to communicate when the former lovers have both already established their personal lives. But even here there can be a place for jealousy. If the relationship was serious and important, "being friends with families" most likely will not work in the near future.

Danger of relapse

From this follows the conclusion that it is best to communicate with the former, who so far have nothing going on in their personal lives, or, more precisely, they simply do not have one. On the one hand, in this case, you are not threatened with jealousy. With another - there is a risk of relapse. When the soul is lonely, the former lover begins to seem perfect. A Returning to an old relationship is psychologically often much easier than starting a new one.

If it's worth it, then for God's sake. But for some reason you broke up, right? And if these were irresolvable contradictions, they most likely will not go anywhere. This means that you will only lose time during which you could find your true "half".

We share friends, or boys to the left, girls to the right

As I said, in some situations peace is obviously impossible. There is a lot of unpleasantness in difficult and painful breakups. One of the bonus difficulties is chatting with mutual friends.. Friends are animated beings, it will not be possible to share them as property, they themselves will choose with whom to be friends. It is important here to behave in a civilized manner, not to pull friends over to your side and not be offended if they continue to communicate with your "former".

According to my observations, if both a young man and a girl are equally important to friends, they find the opportunity to continue communication with both. But if one of the former partners was less close to the company, he leaves it very quickly.

"If a couple broke up hard, with scandals, betrayals and betrayals, it is often impossible to keep mutual friends, and, as a rule, the scheme remains the most painless: girls continue to be friends with girls, and boys with boys,"- says Maria Pugacheva.

Theory and practice

I propose to move from theory to practice - in front of you A small survey of my friends who found themselves in similar situations.

Alice, student "Of course, you can be friends with" former ". For example, in the evening I go to a cafe with my ex-boyfriend, we have a very good relationship and we meet at least once every two weeks. True, from experience, immediately after the break, it takes some time not communicate while the emotions are too strong and the memories are too alive. Otherwise, you can quarrel for life, because one will demand the attention of the other, be offended if you don’t get it. But over time, you can return to frequent communication. "

Sergey, designer: "It depends on the reasons for the gap. With some ex girls I am friends, but others still don’t want to see me, although a lot of time has already passed.

Lisa, lawyer "Be friends with the former? Surely you can. But I didn’t succeed. My former young people don’t want to talk to me for some reason. Maybe because I usually initiated the break."

Dmitry, yoga teacher:“Being friends with the former is absolutely normal. True, it’s hard if one continues to love and hope ... Another question is what love is. If this is not banal selfishness, then friendship is possible even in such a difficult situation.”

What do you say? Do you think it's possible to be friends with former lovers? Tell your stories.

Some girls like to brag about having a good, friendly relationship with their ex-boyfriends. Is there really any sense in this, and is this friendship real, and not self-deception? Sometimes the game is not worth the candle, and there are reasons why it is better to refuse to communicate with an ex-lover. That is why it is worth giving up such friendship.

1. You can't let him go. If you allow your ex-boyfriend to stay in your life, you are guaranteed to complicate it. Constant communication and close relationships will not allow you to forget everything, turn the page and start a new romance. As long as he is at arm's length, this friendship will not bring you anything good. Learn to point.

2. You will compare him to your new boyfriend. But new guy may not appear if you spend time with your ex and spend free hours on him. In order not to spoil your new relationship, do not compare the guy you fell in love with with the former.

3. You will forget about his unworthy behavior and begin to yearn. Regularly communicating with him as a friend, you will forget about those nasty things that you did while you were your boyfriend. He will seem funny and sweet to you, and you will again wish to start a relationship with this attractive man. Don't let yourself be fooled.

4. Everything can end in scandal and tears. Ultimately, you will be the one to blame. Good friendships may give you the idea that you can become a couple again. You will offer him a reunion, which he will reject, and you will be left with broken hearted. Why do you have such problems?

5. You wouldn't like your boyfriend's friendship with his ex-girlfriend. It is rare for a girl to be happy that her boyfriend is friends with his ex. It will not be easy to pacify your jealousy. Therefore, it is not very fair to demand from others what you do not do yourself. If you don’t like your boyfriend’s friendship with his ex, then you yourself shouldn’t be friends with an ex-boyfriend, because he new girl it's also not very nice. It is much better to leave the past in the past and you will start building new relationships with other people.

6. This friendship will never be real. Even if you were friends before you started dating, you can't get it back. You will be upset and depressed because he fell in love with another. Now imagine that the ex-boyfriend asks you as a girlfriend to help in choosing an engagement ring for his fiancee? There is little pleasure in this.

7. Relationship with ex-boyfriend It's always drama. Why waste your best years to sad memories, regrets, stress and tears? Give your time and energy to new acquaintances, travel, hobbies.

8. Your girlfriends will be delighted that you put an end to this relationship. The closest friends highlight how bad it was for you after breaking up with him. They listened to your lamentations at three in the morning and dragged you for a run when you, going through a difficult breakup, gained excess weight. If you let your friends know that you want to be friends with an ex-boyfriend, they are unlikely to have the strength to help you again if you quarrel with a “friend”. Let your friends remind you what state you were in after the breakup. Do you want to repeat this?

9. You have many friends without him. Before you invite him to be friends, think of all your friends. Who do you forget to call back for a week? With whom did you arrange to go to the cinema for the weekend? And reply to all the missed messages from your Facebook friends. You will see that you already have enough friends and communication, why do you need him too.

10. Your breakup wasn't a mistake. It doesn't matter who is to blame - you, him or both of you. It's already in the past. But a friend is one that won't change, betray, or hurt you. Are you sure he deserves to be your friend?

Of course, on one condition: if you calmly parted by mutual desire. Or if exactly as much time has passed after parting as you both needed in order to stop worrying about this subject. In all other cases, you do not need to be friends with the former, of course. It's harmful and uninteresting. But if the breakup did not cause you severe trauma, then friendship with the former is great! And that's why.

Are there friendships between exes?

Close ones are not scattered

Think about how many people in your life can you call really close? Is that for real? Parents, siblings, closest friends and girlfriends and he, the former. Seems like a lot, right? What if you count on your fingers? Many of us have really close relationships only with our mother and with one girlfriend, and male friends eventually disappear somewhere (that is, we know where - jealous wives hide them from us). And here is such a chance of friendship with a wonderful man (albeit a former one) - how can you refuse this? In fact, he is not even your friend anymore. He's more of a semi-relative.

The man next to you is convenient

Not because you are unable to deal with cases that are traditionally considered “male”, but because there are situations in which it is really easier to turn to a man for help. And no, this is not the situation when you look at a blank laptop screen and whisper “I didn’t touch anything ...”. This is, for example, a situation in which you are alone at home, and your old dog suddenly pretends that he is going to die, and he urgently needs to be dragged to the car and taken to the clinic. And the weight in him is almost a centner, because he is a bullmastiff. So what are you going to do? Will you run through the neighbors? Yes, they will help you, but how will you get back home?

The man next to me is fun

It is unlikely that you and your ex will have fun as you used to: if you are not together, then romantic evenings are cancelled, of course. But a fascinating night trip through the most haunted places of the city is a great idea. Imagine how wonderful it is - you have fun, and annoying suitors do not prevail. Profit! However, if you are not interested in such entertainment, you still understand how valuable a person is with whom you can just laugh heartily. Although - no. Laughing is with friends. With the former - laugh. Yes, friendships between exes can be fun!

Popular

A man nearby is useful

For you. Because The best way look at yourself from the side - look through the eyes of a person of the opposite sex. Because we are really very different. And what your ex will tell you, your mother or girlfriend will never say.

Friends will stay with you

Those mutual friends who have no idea how to behave after your breakup. Which one of you to be friends with? If you continue to be friends with both, then how do you say this? Maybe it's better to hide? That's what they've been thinking about since the moment you broke up. Now they do not have this problem, and you do not have to lose people from your inner circle.

You will have someone who does not need to explain

And this is the most valuable thing. Because you will not have another such person until you start a new relationship; and, by the way, it is not a fact that he will appear in them: who knows what these relationships will be like? So while no one understands you as well as your ex, simply because in love we are all a little different, and neither girlfriends, nor friends, nor relatives know about you what he knows. And the person to whom nothing needs to be explained is the most valuable person. You only understand that with age, really. So if now it seems to you that it’s completely impossible to be friends with an ex, it’s not a fact that you won’t make friends later. It happens often.

Says a family psychologist, a consultant on interpersonal relationships, Director of the dating agency "Me and You" Elena Kuznetsova.

If there is a link

The friendship that former couples maintain is natural only if these people are connected by something after parting, for example, a child or a common business, the psychologist believes.

Most often, women are jealous of the former, who, and on emotions, ladies often put forward tough ultimatums to their partners. This is not always correct, because assertive actions can only achieve results from weak men who are used to obeying. A normal man will be dissatisfied with your demands.

Kuznetsova agrees that sometimes there really is: if a couple was once tied strong feelings, it is likely that they have not completely died out. And looking at the child, the man still thinks about his ex-wife. Another thing is if his lady is already in a new relationship, or there has never been much love in the family - there is no cause for concern.

When “fighting” with a rival, do not severely limit a man, because he still cannot stop seeing a child or leave a common relationship. ex-wife business. Act gently: you can cry, be sad, even talk about your fears. You can, again in a mild form, offer an alternative. For example, do not go to the former so that she can communicate with the child in her house, but take the baby to her place for the weekend.

A new woman should be fully armed and, if a man is still not indifferent to her. Carefully it is worth finding out from the chosen one what he liked in past relationships and what he lacked. After that, try to give your partner everything he needs: care, attention, sex, etc.

When nothing binds

If there is no “connecting link”, and the man still often communicates with his ex, or even former passions, saying that after breaking up with everyone he stayed in good relations, is cause for concern.

“Such a man can not even be called. This is a man-woman, he is for everyone best girlfriend. Or this is a womanizer, and you are another pass option for him. With a high degree of probability, we can say that such a man does not just see his ex, but meets them for sex, ”Kuznetsova notes.

If a man communicates in a friendly way not with all the former, but with only one woman, these relationships are still unnatural.

“If people are not connected by anything, what is the point of maintaining a relationship? Advise, talk about your personal life? And how then to look into the eyes of the current passion? - continues the psychologist.

Kuznetsova explains that there is no such thing as pure, it is always based on something, either on feelings that have not yet cooled down, or on some kind of benefit, which does not necessarily mean something material. For example, a man likes to communicate with his ex because she has a calming effect on him. But then another question arises, why does your partner seek solace not from you, but from a previous passion.

The psychologist's verdict is this: communication with the former, when there is no "connecting link" between them, is not normal. And this must be fought.

First, a new girl needs to find out for what purpose her man is dating an ex. Gently, without unnecessary emotions, several times, “approaching” from different sides, ask the same question. There should be some time between questions. If a man always gives the same answer, then his current lady needs to think why she cannot give her chosen one what the former gives him. We must try to correct the situation.

If the answers are different, then the man is probably deceiving you. And, most likely, his meetings with the former.

You can also call a man straight Talk and explain to him that you are uncomfortable with his communication with the former. It is possible that your chosen one did not even naively suspect this and for the sake of you will break with his past.

Internet does not count?

Often communication with the former takes place on the Internet. Often, men, in response to claims voiced by a new woman about this, are asked not to make an elephant out of a molehill, because "it's just the Internet."

There is a very thin line here, and situations are different, notes Elena Kuznetsova. She is sure that if a man loves his woman, he will not hurt her. Or if he sees that the current woman is jealous, he will try to explain the situation. He will show the correspondence, from which it is clear that they rarely communicate with the former, they simply congratulate each other on the holiday, for example.

Another thing is that a man denies everything, and he disappears on the Internet in the evenings, and communication with his ex is very tight. And even if we are not talking about real, but about virtual relationships, emotionally he is still with the other. With a real woman, he can be, for example, for the sake of a bed or "pots".

Useful information

“It sounds funny, but in this situation, a real woman is even in a less advantageous situation than a virtual one, with whom a man lives internally and shares his impressions. If a man behaves like this, then he is bored with his new woman. He does not get what he gets from the previous chosen one, ”says the psychologist.

A new girl needs to think more about her man in order to first force out and then replace her virtual girlfriend, because interesting communication is rare. Just do not use assertive tactics under any circumstances if we are talking about a normal man, and not. Rigidity can simply lead to a break, because your chosen one has already preferred another woman in terms of communication. And if a woman, less interesting in this regard, sets her own conditions, the man gets angry and says: “Don’t be hysterical, don’t invent something that doesn’t exist” - that is, he is already setting up blockers. If a woman continues to beat on a locked door, she faces even more aggression.

If you have questions for psychologist Elena Kuznetsova, you can ask them by writing a letter to the editorial office of AiF-Vladimir: [email protected].