Introduction
A person conveys information not only with the help of words (verbally), but also with the help of gestures, facial expressions, posture, gaze, appearance, distance during conversation, decorations - that is, with the help of non-verbal signals. It has been proven that we receive most of the information about a person (about 80%) from non-verbal sources, while words give us only 20% of all information. Very often, nonverbal information remains “behind the scenes” of our perception, because we do not know how to read and interpret it.
We often do not notice the obvious: we believe formally spoken words of agreement, while the person nods his head negatively, trying to warn us - I don’t agree. We don’t pay attention to the fact that the person greeting us with a smile has his arms crossed over his chest - a sign of a defensive position - “I’m uncomfortable and uncomfortable.”
The book is intended for those who want to learn to read the language of gestures, facial expressions, postures, etc., for those who want to learn more about their interlocutor than he tells about himself, for those who want to decipher the true motives of a person’s behavior, determine the momentary mood interlocutor. If you are learning to control your body using only those non-verbal signs that help create a positive image and set your interlocutor up for positivity, then this book is for you. In order to make your body an ally and not a traitor, you must study the alphabet of gestures well, imagine what each non-verbal signal means. We offer you this book in order to further benefit from the most valuable experience acquired after reading it.
Chapter 1
What do human gestures say?
Rule #1
How to recognize gestures from the “I’m thinking” category
A person who is in thought is absent from reality; he does not hear or see what is happening around him, since he is in the world of his own thoughts and fantasies. It should be noted: when a person thinks or fantasizes, do not waste important arguments, he will not perceive them anyway, will not hear them.
It must be remembered that in a person who is in thought, the most active area of the brain is, so he tries to focus our attention on it, as if warning: “Don’t interfere - I’m thinking.” For a person who is lost in thought and distracted from the conversation, the following gestures are typical: hands to the forehead in various positions, a person can rub his temples, scratch the back of his head. This kind of gestures has another purpose: a person thus tries to increase the efficiency of the brain, adjusts his “thinking apparatus” to solve a difficult problem. Hence all kinds of stroking and scratching.
In addition to gestures, a person’s posture reveals a thoughtful person. Remember “The Thinker” by Auguste Rodin: he sits with his cheek resting on his hand. If your interlocutor is characterized by this posture, most likely he has been distracted from your conversation and is thinking about something of his own. To confirm your assumptions, pay attention to his gaze. A person who is far, far away - in his dreams and fantasies - is characterized by the so-called “look into nowhere”: absent, unfocused.
By the posture of a thinking person, you can approximately determine what he is thinking about. If a person leans on his right hand or rubs his right temple, it means that the left hemisphere of the brain is involved in his thinking (according to the law of cross-distribution of zones of influence of the brain), which is responsible for a person’s logical, analytical abilities. Consequently, at the moment a person is busy with analysis, he is occupied with questions that require detailed calculations. In this case, a person’s gaze can be concentrated, focused on one point. If a person leans on his left hand, it means that the right hemisphere of the brain is involved, which is responsible for the sensual side of human nature. A person most likely philosophizes, fantasizes, his thoughts lack clarity, specificity and do not require analysis. The gaze is not focused on one point, but, on the contrary, is blurry, directed to nowhere.
If you notice similar signs in your interlocutor, then it is possible that he is not listening to you, but is immersed in his own thoughts. To make sure that he perceives the information, you can ask him a question. If there is no answer, know that your interlocutor is in deep thought. You need to either wait until he wakes up from his thoughts, or influence him: say something loudly or touch him.
Rule #2
How to recognize gestures from the “I’m interested” category
It is important to understand whether the interlocutor is interested in you. Often verbal signs of interest are imaginary, and only with the help of non-verbal communication can you understand how interested your interlocutor is. Verbally, the interlocutor can show interest by asking questions, clarifying details, asking to repeat. But this, alas, is not a 100% indicator of interest. Questions can only mean a reluctance to offend you, formal politeness, but not interest.
An interested person, as a rule, is quite stingy with gestures. A person may be so focused on the interlocutor or interesting information that he tries not to make noise so as not to miss the thread of the conversation. It is not for nothing that in a classroom or auditorium, where schoolchildren or students are interested in what the teacher is talking about, there is perfect silence.
But there are other non-verbal ways to determine the interest of the interlocutor. A person who is interested in what is happening strives with his whole being to get closer to the source of information. You can notice the tilt of the body towards the speaker: the listener strives to be closer to him.
It happens that a person is so carried away by what is happening that he simply ceases to control his body. He may forget to close his mouth or open his eyes wide - these are facial signs that indicate that the person is surprised, amazed, and in the most interested state.
If you were unable to detect any of the listed “symptoms” of interest in your interlocutor, you should urgently change tactics - change the topic of the conversation, increase the emotionality of what is being said, otherwise your message will be insignificant for your interlocutor and will not bring the results you need.
Rule #3
How to recognize gestures from the category “I respect you”
Respect is one of those aspects of human relationships that you need to achieve throughout your life. It can be difficult to determine whether a person's respect is true or false. Do they give you a hand with a desire to greet you or because of an established tradition?
There are not so many gestures indicating respect. In order to determine how they treat you, pay attention to how the person greets you. A handshake is a very ancient tradition, which previously had not only a ritual meaning - to greet a newcomer, but also meant that people came to meet each other without bad intentions, without weapons. Now this ritual has acquired other meanings. A person who treats you with respect offers his hand first or at the same time as you. He does not try to immediately remove his hand: a respectful handshake should be long. The arm should be extended, and in no case bent at the elbow. Thus, the person should not cause you inconvenience, should not force you to reach out. Rather, on the contrary, he is trying to create the most comfortable conditions for you.
The following can be considered a gesture of respect: a man shakes a woman’s hand at the exit from public transport. It can also be formal, it just means that the person is familiar with the rules of good manners. If this is a gesture of true respect, then the person giving the hand should look at you and try to catch your hand.
Bowing your head is a gesture of respect. Pay attention to how the person tilts his head. A respectful bow may be accompanied by lowering the eyelids (this comes from the ancient tradition of greeting royalty - they are so majestic and powerful that people did not even dare to look at them, so they lowered their eyelids).
In some Western countries, hugging is a nonverbal way to show affection and respect for a person, even if the two people are not in a close relationship. Hugs are allowed after the first meeting if people have found kindred spirits in each other. This is, in essence, reducing the distance between people to a minimum. In other words, you are letting a stranger into your personal zone and invading his personal space. There is a direct contact that means: “I understand you, I accept you, I treat you with respect.” In our country, as a rule, hugs are acceptable only between close friends and relatives.
Rule #4
How to recognize gestures from the “I doubt” category
What gestures, postures and facial expressions indicate that a person is in doubt about making a decision? How to determine that he is not ready to give an objective assessment of the events taking place? You can easily calculate whether your interlocutor is inclined to agree with you and accept your point of view.
The state of doubt is a twofold state. It has its pros and cons. The person, on the one hand, has not yet refused you, has not made a definitively negative decision, he does not tell you “no” peremptorily. On the other hand, your argument is not convincing enough; the person has not yet agreed with your arguments.
A person who has not made a decision is characterized by gestures and postures of reflection, which indicate that he is still analyzing the situation and is full of attention. He may express distrust. If a person doubts the arguments you make, he tries not to look you in the eyes. His gaze may wander around the room, he may look out the window, try to abstract himself from your arguments and independently think about the pros and cons of your proposal. An even more dangerous direction to look is towards the exit. This means that he is inclined to answer negatively and intends to leave in the near future.
A doubting person is characterized by fingering, rubbing, scratching gestures - repetitive, monotonous. These gestures have the following meanings: firstly, they are associated with mental activity (a person is thinking about your arguments), and secondly, they have the goal of distracting your attention and confusing you. A person in a state of doubt does not concentrate on you and your arguments; there is some nervousness and fussiness in his movements and gestures.
Here are some examples of such gestures: rubbing or scratching the eye, the corners of the mouth, they mean that the person suspects you of lying, and there is a catch in your arguments.
Another gesture that clearly indicates that a person is in a state of doubt is a shrug. Often this is an unconscious gesture. For example, a person may agree or disagree with you, but at the same time he completely unintentionally shrugs his shoulders - this is a nonverbal signal that indicates his uncertainty in the decision made. Such disharmony in verbal and non-verbal behavior suggests that you can change the situation. Even if your interlocutor has made a decision that is unfavorable to you, you can convince him. If he agreed with your arguments, but expresses uncertainty and shrugs, this indicates that you must reinforce his confidence in the decision made. Otherwise, after talking with other people, he will change his mind.
Rule #5
How to recognize "I'm on guard" gestures
If a person feels threatened by you, fears that you might attack him or do something not very pleasant for him, he immediately begins to carry out nonverbal defense. The situation of threat may not be reflected at all in his words, but he begins to behave differently. You only have to look closely at him, and then you will understand that he is afraid of you.
The person begins to use special gestures that mean the following: “Stop. Stop. I feel like there's a catch here." If a person crosses his arms over his chest, points his fingertips in different directions, and turns his outstretched arm and palm towards you, then this signals that you should stop. An outstretched arm has other meanings: first of all, this signal will not allow you to get closer, to invade his personal space, the person unconsciously puts a barrier between you, in addition, he is trying to close your mouth in this way, he feels a hidden threat in your words.
A wary person is characterized by a special look: he looks at you point-blank, watches your every gesture, movement with the sole purpose of not missing the moment when a “knife” appears in your hands. This “knife” can have a symbolic meaning: you can strike verbally, prick with a cruel joke, or convey unpleasant news. This is exactly the moment your interlocutor is waiting for from you. If several people are involved in a conversation, then the vigilant interlocutor very quickly looks from one to another.
A person who feels threatened by you can prepare an escape route in advance - he always notices where the door is, so that if his assumptions are confirmed and you create a threat to him, he can quickly find a way out.
How can such signals be neutralized? In order for a person to lose the feeling of threat, you need to calm him down and establish contact with him. First, try to get as close to him as possible, despite his desire to move away. Use tactile influence - touch him, stroke him, you can take his hand in the forearm area. These movements should not be sharp or rude, otherwise he will regard them as the beginning of an attack on your part. Try to speak slowly and loud enough for the person to hear you, otherwise they will think you are trying to hide something from them. If you are sitting at a table opposite each other, then you should move to him. If you manage to avoid a situation of confrontation and relieve the feeling of pressure, then your interlocutor will be able to relax, and your dialogue will be more constructive.
Rule #6
How to recognize gestures from the category “I am willing to compromise”
Finding a compromise is not an easy task in any situation, be it a family dispute, a business conversation or an academic discussion. In such situations, it is important to see that your opponent is willing to compromise. A person may say that he will not back down from his words, but nonverbal signals may indicate the opposite - the person is ready to make concessions.
If you notice a discrepancy between a person's words and his gestures, then this is a sign that you will be able to get the decision you need from him. It is very important to see this dissonance between word and body and interpret it correctly. If your opponent says that he completely disagrees with you, considers your words absurd, but at that moment nods his head up and down, this indicates that he is ready to accept your point of view and is only adding value to himself, trying to achieve more profitable conditions for yourself. If you notice such a gesture, you don’t have to stand on ceremony with it, insist on your terms, and be sure that sooner or later your interlocutor will accept them.
The absence of gestures is also a gesture. If we do not find any negative gestures in a person, for example, crossed arms and legs, he feels quite comfortable communicating with you at close range, easily lets you into his personal space, this indicates that the person accepts your point of view. Chances are you've already done enough to win him over to your side. In the near future he will agree with you.
A person who has already made a decision is characterized by a certain facial and gestural calmness. There are no distracting movements or gestures; the face expresses peace and harmony. Even if he insists on his own, resists your persuasion, most likely this is just a formality.
In a discussion, in an argument, a person who is inclined to compromise behaves somewhat imposingly, he understands: a dispute is a dispute, but he has already decided everything for himself. He can very convincingly defend his point of view and be internally calm, but he understands that he will still need to come to some kind of solution that suits both parties.
In order to determine what your interlocutor is leaning toward, pay attention to the enumeration gestures used, which, as a rule, do not carry much meaning, but can sometimes clarify something. If a person directs arguments in your direction, it means that he is inclined to your position. If the transfer is directed in the opposite direction (he seems to be collecting everything around, raking up everything that is lying badly), this indicates that the person is looking for benefits, he has a desire to get the maximum benefit from the negotiations.
Rule No. 7
How to recognize gestures from the “I tend to trust relationships” category
A person is not always inclined to trust relationships. As a rule, he does not seek to let into his inner circle those people who cause him doubt or hostility. By nonverbal signals you can easily understand whether a person has gained confidence in you.
It is believed that if a person actively comes into contact with you, this means that you have gained his trust and he will cooperate with you. But the talkativeness of your interlocutor does not always mean that you have won his sympathy. Sociable people easily communicate with anyone, even if they don’t like him. Sometimes only by non-verbal signals can one determine the true attitude towards you.
The gestures of a person who is prone to trusting relationships are directed towards the interlocutor. He will direct any non-verbal signal, be it a listing gesture, his posture, the toes of his shoes turned towards you, in your direction. All these are signs that you have established contact with him, which can bear fruit in the future.
You need to pay attention to the distance between you. If your interlocutor maintains a distance of up to 70 cm, this means that he knows the rules of etiquette and is not trying to invade your personal space. On the other hand, if he doesn't let you into his space, he doesn't like you enough. If the distance is reduced to 50 cm or less, you can praise yourself for being so charming and attractive and finding an approach to the person.
If already at the first meeting a person can easily touch you, pat you on the shoulder, straighten your tie or scarf, you can safely give yourself 5 points for your charm and charm.
The facial expressions of a person who has gained confidence in you are very complacent. A person who is disposed to trust will often smile at you, moreover, laugh openly, without holding back his emotions, since he likes you and has nothing to be embarrassed in your company.
A person who has gained confidence in you can copy your gestures. Often this happens unconsciously and is done not to please you, but simply because they want to be a little like you. You can even do an experiment: use some kind of constant gesture when communicating with a new person, for example, snapping your finger. If by the end of the conversation your interlocutor has adopted your habit, it means that you have very successfully coped with the task of being liked and managed to make a good impression on the person.
Rule #8
How to recognize gestures from the category “I’m defending myself”
Gestures of defense quite eloquently indicate that a person subconsciously or consciously feels fear of you or feels guilty. He is in a situation where he needs to defend himself from your attacks, all non-verbal signals will indicate that he wants to block your attempts to influence him.
One of the most common and striking methods of protection is crossing your arms over your chest. This signal may indicate that the person does not want to make contact, that he is embarrassed, that he wants to protect himself from you. The cross leg gesture falls into this category - a person seems to lose the feeling of support under his feet. The characteristic posture of defense is a straight body, the body is slightly tilted forward, the head is lowered, the forehead is directed at the interlocutor, the eyes are lowered. The person is trying to take the blow with his forehead, to defend himself from your words. This pose helps to reflect negativity.
When faced with a potential attack, a person tries to cover the most painful area. Men use the “footballer in the wall” pose - they cover the groin area, thereby protecting themselves from possible attacks. Sensitive people who take everything to heart try to cover the chest in the area of the heart, either by crossing their arms over their chest or covering the heart with the palm of their left hand.
People with different types of perception may have different methods of defense - visual people put on glasses, cover their eyes with their hands, pretend that the sun is blinding their eyes, auditory people can pull a hat over their ears, straighten their long hair, if neither one nor the other is there, they produce some manipulation of the ears, closing them. Kinesthetic people, who perceive the world by sensations, try to maintain a distance so as not to touch the interlocutor, often hide their hands in their pockets, thereby showing that they do not want to perceive the information you give. People who perceive the world by smell can perform manipulations with their nose using a handkerchief; they may suddenly develop a runny nose - an involuntary defensive reaction.
A person defends himself from your attacks, creating visible and invisible barriers between you. This can be expressed in the form of building a wall, a barrier. If you are sitting at the table and see that your interlocutor is starting to build something like a pile of objects lying nearby (pens, notepads), this means something similar to the “Great Wall of China” piled up in your relationship. In other words, your interlocutor is building some kind of structure that will serve as protection from you. Another person can act as a wall. In self-defense, your interlocutor may intentionally introduce a third party into your conversation. The bystander is in a sense a wall, since the person defending himself hopes that you will not attack him in the presence of a third person.
Rule #9
How to recognize gestures from the “I feel awkward” category
When a person feels awkward, ashamed of himself, his actions, he wants only one thing - not to be noticed, not to be touched, and best of all - to fall into the ground. The feeling of awkwardness is very easy to calculate by a whole set of non-verbal means with which your interlocutor can try to disguise it.
As soon as a person feels that he is ashamed, he will immediately try to divert your attention from himself so that you do not notice obvious signs of shame, for example, redness of the face or increased heart rate. He wants to buy time to return to normal, to hide the involuntary, uncontrollable reactions of his body. Your interlocutor may suddenly grab an object, stand up abruptly, change position, for example, try to throw on a jacket that was previously hanging calmly on a chair. At the moment of feeling shame, a person breaks eye contact, lowers his eyes, and his gaze freezes on some object. His gestures and movements become fussy.
Let us recall an episode from Chekhov’s story “Chameleon”. As soon as the police supervisor Ochumelov made another mistake and he felt ashamed of his words, he immediately tried to distract the attention of those around him, confuse them, taking off and putting on his coat again.
If a person has an innate sense of shame or has committed a very serious crime and is sure that he will not be forgiven, he has a need to dress as inconspicuously as possible. In fact, this is a rather serious mistake in using nonverbal cues. If you look inconspicuous, this does not mean that you will not be noticed. On the contrary, they will notice you, but ignore you, consider it unnecessary to talk to you, and you will be left with your feelings of shame, which can develop into paranoia. Let us recall an episode from the novel “Gone with the Wind”: Scarlet, having seduced her friend’s husband, at first did not want to go to her name day at all, but Rhett Butler forced her to do it. And he asked me to wear the brightest dress – purple-red. He believed that this was how Scarlet would be able to feel all the bitterness of her guilt. But in fact, this dress saved her: it destroyed her fear of the company of Melanie and Ashley. Bright clothes help in self-realization; we understand that it is impossible not to notice us, we are so bright: how a person looks is how he feels. Getting out of awkward situations in bright outfits is much easier than in completely discreet clothes.
The feeling of awkwardness doubles as soon as a person realizes that others have noticed his awkwardness. Therefore, people whose awkwardness is revealed, for example, by redness of the face, look doubly embarrassed. They realize that they will not be able to hide their embarrassment, and they become even more confused. Yes, of course, it is very difficult to hide an involuntary reaction, but, knowing about your natural ability to quickly fill with paint, you can always get out of it. At such moments, many people desperately regret that they do not live in a magical world and that they do not have an invisibility hat. The most successful way, according to psychologists, is to admit that you are embarrassed: “Oh, I’m so ashamed that I’m late,” “I, of course, wildly apologize, but today I don’t have cash with me, could you pay?” for me in the cafeteria? As soon as you admit this, your awkwardness will disappear. As soon as you express your state verbally, internal tension and embarrassment immediately disappear.
Rule No. 10
How to recognize gestures from the “I don’t believe you” category
Gestures of skepticism, distrust, and disbelief in your sincerity can be very easily calculated: they are almost always gestures of negativity and defense. Even if a person agrees with you verbally, but his posture, facial expressions, and gestures indicate the opposite, trust non-verbal language - it will reveal the person’s true thoughts to you.
The most common gestures indicating mistrust are defensive gestures - crossed arms and legs. The person says that he does not want to perceive the information that comes from you. A person can manipulate his ears - in a symbolic sense, he removes the noodles that you hang on him.
He can use prohibiting and warning gestures, as if making it clear: “I understand that you are lying to me, I don’t believe you.” Your interlocutor may hint to you that he is aware by putting his hands to his mouth, as if saying: “Keep your mouth shut.” This gesture has variations: a person can scratch his lips, mouth, ears. Another gesture of distrust is a negative shake of the head: even if he agrees with you, supports your point of view on a verbal level, he has something else on his mind.
Facial expressions also reveal your interlocutor’s skepticism. Distrust is written on the face, the man hides his eyes. He may smile skeptically or simply grin: one corner of his mouth is raised up, the other is down. Such a smile indicates that they do not believe you. What you say to him seems funny to him.
The fact that your deception is exposed, even if you are not going to be exposed, gives the person a feeling of superiority over you. Non-verbally, this can be expressed in a particularly condescending attitude and reluctance to invade your personal space - a person of a “lower caste” who is capable of lying.
Some people have a developed sense of perceiving the world by smell; such people are very sensitive to lies. They can make it clear that they have seen through the deception by flaring their nostrils: “I smell something unclean here.”
Once you have received such nonverbal signals and interpreted them correctly, you need to change your tactics: either start telling the truth, or change your argumentation, using stronger and more convincing arguments. Perhaps after this your position will be perceived as truth.
Rule No. 11
How to recognize gestures from the “I’m scared” category
A person in a situation of fear, be it an upcoming parachute jump or a public speech, tries in every possible way to veil his fear. He begins to be brave and talk about his fearlessness, so it can be difficult to calculate fear by verbal signs. You will be able to determine the true state only if you are able to correctly decipher the nonverbal signals that he sends you.
When we are scared, we are usually ashamed of our fear. If a person experiences fear, he tries to behave more carefully, but at the same time he tries to hide his feelings. That is why for people experiencing fear, there is a standard non-verbal scheme that works in almost all cases, without exception. People experiencing fear try not to give themselves away, to drown out their fear, to cheer up, for this they use non-verbal signals.
Nonverbal signs of fear are a special category. They are united by the fact that a person in a situation of fear is not able to control his body, has no power over it. He may flinch completely for no reason when he hears a loud voice, or jump if you quietly approach him and pull him from behind - this indicates that the person is tense and, perhaps, afraid of something.
A person tries in every possible way to suppress the feeling of fear. For example, you are on an exam, and one of the students suddenly starts talking loudly unnecessarily, this means that he is experiencing severe fear, is trying to pull himself together and reduce his own fear.
A person in a frightened situation may suddenly start laughing. Let us recall an episode from the novel “Crime and Punishment” by F.M. Dostoevsky. Raskolnikov, meeting investigator Porfiry Petrovich for the first time, tries to provoke a comic effect by bursting into the office, laughing cheerfully, hoping to convince the investigator that he is going to the meeting without any fear. But Porfiry Petrovich, being an experienced psychologist, understands perfectly well that his suspect is only masking his condition with the help of ostentatious indifference and fearlessness.
A person experiencing fear may begin to whistle, hum a melody, or sing out loud. This is also a kind of attempt to relieve tension. When man was just beginning to explore space, every pilot understood that his flight was a kind of game with death. Before the flight, when every step of the cosmonaut was filmed to later show people - “Look how fearless Soviet cosmonauts are,” those who were about to fly sang to relieve stress and reduce their fear. Only people close to me understood how difficult it was for them to complete this building. They seemed brave and fearless, but by non-verbal signals, by the way their lips trembled, how dimly their eyes shone, those close to them guessed their true state.
Rule No. 12
How to recognize gestures from the “I’m nervous” category
By a person's gestures, facial expressions, and posture, you can easily understand that he is nervous. Even if he manages to control his speech, he tries to pull himself together and speaks relatively calmly, but non-verbal signals may indicate that his condition is out of the ordinary.
Gestures characteristic of a person who is very nervous are usually the following: fingering foreign objects, all kinds of scratching, stroking. Moreover, very often a person changes one gesture to another, trying to hide his nervousness. But it is precisely this rapid change of non-verbal signals and variety of gestures that reveals a state of nervousness.
If you notice that your interlocutor is constantly scratching his hands or face, this may mean that he is very nervous. Itching of the whole body is a physiological involuntary reaction of the body. When we are nervous, we feel slight discomfort, which can be expressed in itching, chills, or, on the contrary, a feeling of stuffiness. A person who is in a stressful situation may have a desire to undress or dress, despite the fact that the weather does not change. You should not miss such nonverbal signals; in this case, you need to understand why the person is nervous in your presence.
A person in a state of nervousness cannot concentrate his gaze on one object for a long time, he constantly looks around, assessing the situation, looks around, looks at those around him, his gaze wanders around the space, cannot find shelter for himself. And even more so, you are unlikely to catch his eye. If he looks at you, it won't be for very long.
A person in a situation, for example, an exam or an upcoming important, but not very pleasant conversation, becomes a little inadequate and does not control himself. If he has bad habits, then in a state of stress a person begins to resort to them to relieve stress. For example, if he smokes, he may even start smoking one cigarette after another. He may bite his nails or twirl his hair on his finger - do anything to calm himself down. Bitten nails are a sign that a person is constantly nervous and cannot control himself.
Another clear signal of nervousness is a nervous tic - an involuntary reaction of the body. Due to strong internal tension, a person’s muscles first tense and then begin to contract. If you notice that your interlocutor's eyelid is twitching, this means that he is on the verge of a breakdown. It's better not to argue with him. Another involuntary reaction of our body is sweat. If a person has excessive sweating, then in a situation of stress, fear, and also lies, he will look like a runner who has run a cross-country race for two kilometers - all covered with droplets of sweat. There is also the “wet” palm syndrome: when meeting your interlocutor, you will understand that he is nervous if, after shaking his hand, you feel that his hand is wet.
Facial expressions reveal a nervous person: his face is almost always distorted by some kind of grimace, and in a state of stress, a change in facial expressions is typical. For example, if the examiner is in a positive mood and smiles in response to the words of his student, then the respondent himself breaks into a smile, but this is a nervous smile, which is associated with a desire to please. If the examiner does not look at the student at all, then the student’s face may change its color: from pale to red - this is fear and fear of failure at the same time.
If you find yourself in a stressful situation, you can avoid giving yourself away by restoring your normal state. How can you control yourself? First of all, begin to control your speech, try not to deviate from the average pace, in this case you will be able to regain your composure. If the situation is out of the ordinary and it’s difficult for you not to reveal your condition, then try to come to your senses as quickly as possible - for example, stroking your hand can help you, you can ask for a time-out in order to calm down.
Rule No. 13
How to recognize gestures from the “I’m happy” category
In this chapter we will talk not only about the highest state of pleasure - happiness, but also about a positive mood in general, about those situations when a person experiences pleasure, when he is happy with the world around him, and is in a positive mood. How can you determine his positive attitude based on nonverbal signals?
A person can enter a state of euphoria after, for example, he has received what he has been seeking for so long. Thus, a person feels happiness if he learns that the one he is in love with is reciprocated, if he enters the university he dreamed of, or receives praise from a respected person. Very often a person in this state becomes helpless and vulnerable because he is open. The state of happiness is the state of a person when he perceives the world around him as it is. Often in such situations a person has no control over his body at all.
It is very easy to determine from facial expressions that a person is in a positive mood. In a crowd of people, such a person is easy to spot by his wide smile “for no reason” - he seems to be remembering something: happiness is bursting, he cannot hide this joy.
Very often, a positive person violates the personal space of his interlocutor. He uses personal, intimate ways of greeting - hugs, kisses. He enjoys direct contact with other people, he enjoys touching others, he wants people to invade his personal space. A person who feels complete harmony with the world tries to be noticeable. He chooses clothes of bright colors. Sometimes a happy person has a desire to change - to try on something that was not there before and that normally he would not dare to wear: new fashion accessories, rings, earrings, bright shoes.
Rule No. 14
How to recognize gestures from the category “I am sure that I am right”
Self-confidence is not only what a person says, but also how he says it. What intonations he uses, what gestures he uses, how he stands, how he walks, where he looks - all this can tell you that in front of you is a person who is confident in his rightness and strength. You can easily calculate confidence if you turn to non-verbal symbolism for help.
A confident person is characterized by bright, spontaneous gestures. You notice that your interlocutor often holds his hands in the chest area, but does not cross them - this is evidence of his confidence, a sense of superiority. A sign of such confidence can be the gesture of folded hands. In such a person you will never notice nervousness in gestures. If a self-confident person uses an enumerating gesture, then it is usually addressed to the public, the interlocutor. Although it gives the appearance of energy output, it actually takes away your energy if you are a weaker person. And if you are not too confident in yourself, you may suffer from communicating with such people; they may simply frighten you with their confidence. Therefore, it is important to identify such a person and be able to resist him.
A characteristic gesture of self-confidence is placing your hands behind your head. Some people find it indecent. It not only allows you to completely open the chest area due to the maximum extension of the arms, but also exposes the armpit area, which is considered quite intimate. It's better not to use such a gesture. This type of confidence is akin to arrogance.
A person who is confident speaks in a special way, making the most of the capabilities of his voice. His voice is his main weapon. A person is able to control his voice, raise it when necessary, lower it to achieve his goals. But, as a rule, his voice is even, clear, there are small pauses between words, and the tempo is constant. The words are like a drum roll: “I’m still stronger.” A person who is less confident in himself will definitely begin to doubt his victory, even if he was so sure of it.
A confident person always dresses neatly, but he very rarely indulges in excess. Pretentiousness - ruffles, bows and ribbons - are rather an exception in their wardrobe. They are strict in their dress. However, they are capable of shocking: for example, opening some intimate areas in order to influence the interlocutor.
Such people are characterized by a boring gaze; they can keep you in their field of vision without lowering their eyes for long enough. This kind of staring game is necessary in order to find out which of you is stronger. If they want to get something from you, it’s as if they are trying to hypnotize you: they will never lower their eyes until they get their way. As soon as you notice that your interlocutor is trying to influence you in a similar way (to penetrate your soul), you must counteract his influence, put up some kind of barrier. You can leave your interlocutor for a moment or put on dark glasses.
Rule No. 15
How to recognize gestures from the category “I am oppressed”
You can identify a person in a depressed state if you pay attention to what nonverbal means he uses. The state of depression and unhappiness can be determined by the use of negative and closed gestures, and reluctance to come into contact with others.
A depressed person uses a minimum of gestures, since he experiences a lack of energy, and gesticulation requires large energy expenditures. The head becomes very heavy from the abundance of negative emotions, so a person strives to support it in every possible way: it can rest on the palms, it can simply be tilted to one side or lowered down.
The look of a person with problems is usually absent. He is not interested in you or your affairs. He strives to take the most comfortable body position. The fact is that a person who suffers mentally understands that at the moment he cannot achieve spiritual harmony. But in order to increase his tone, to please himself, he strives for external comfort. For example, if you find him sleeping in the fetal position (curled up), this indicates a high degree of anxiety. This position, which is as comfortable as possible for a person, reminds of the most serene and happiest time of his life - when he was in the womb. If a person is sitting or standing, he strives to find support, lean on something, lean back in a chair to take a stable position. It seems that all his problems put real pressure on him, that he is bent under the weight of his own body, he is being pressed towards the ground, his shoulders are drooping.
The facial expressions of a depressed person very eloquently testify to his condition: the corners of his mouth are turned down, his eyelids are half-closed, it is difficult for him to move, he is even extremely reluctant to speak.
Rule No. 16
How to recognize gestures from the “I'm bored” category
It is important to recognize in time that you are boring your interlocutor in order to interrupt the conversation or turn it in a different direction. If you pay attention to how they listen to you, what kind of facial expression your companion has, what gestures he uses, how he sits, then you will accurately determine whether he enjoys communicating with you or not.
A bored, impassive look, an apathetic posture, an elongated face, a drooping jaw, slightly drooping eyelids are all signs of boredom. Have you noticed that your interlocutor is yawning? So you're not entertaining him very well. Such a gesture may be disguised or restrained. A person covers his mouth with his hand - this is evidence that he is running out of patience and can no longer bear listening to you.
A person who is bored may try to entertain himself in order to stay awake. Let’s say he grabs objects that lie nearby, but he doesn’t need them at all. Nevertheless, these objects are the only entertainment: he can touch them, twist them, throw them up or perform other manipulations. Also, your companion may be leafing through a book or magazine without the desire to find something there. He can draw something on a piece of paper. If your listener writes down after you, and does it in great detail, including introductory words, without raising his head at all, this is also a signal: he is not even trying to think about what is being said, he is making a recording in order to at least somehow then keep yourself busy.
Your interlocutor may try to show verbal activity - ask questions, assent, but this is not always an absolute indicator of his interest. You will understand that he is indifferent to the topic of conversation by the slow pace of his speech and relaxed intonations in his voice.
The fact that a person does not enjoy your company can be indicated by his desire to leave, expressed non-verbally. This is evidenced by the following signals: your interlocutor constantly looks at the door, his body, the toes of his feet are facing towards the exit. A person may ostentatiously fidget with his briefcase, fidget with the lock on it, zip it up and down - all these are signs of boredom that indicate his readiness to leave at any moment.
To express your intention to leave at any time, your interlocutor can take off his glasses and put them in the case. This means that he has already heard enough of you, your arguments are clear, you should either summarize your conversation or move on to a more interesting question.
If a person is bored, he tries to take the most comfortable position for him, gradually find some kind of support, he is relaxed, inattentive to your words. If your interlocutor is sitting, then evidence that he is bored will be his “spreading” across the table. Posture is an indicator of the level of attention. A person in a relaxed position is not able to perceive information.
What we say does not always correspond to what we demonstrate to our interlocutor with our postures and body movements. How to decipher them?
Psychology of gestures and facial expressions
Gait
It can tell a lot about us to an attentive person. If you want to create the impression that you are very busy, you rush forward quickly. Do you have a spring in your step when walking? You will definitely be mistaken for an optimist and a creative person. The gait of a confident person is easy to recognize - he steps on his heel and rolls his foot onto his toe.Sitting style
A business meeting. In front of you is a stranger who has spread out his papers all over the table. This means he feels like a very important person. Wide-spaced legs reinforce this impression.Body rotation
If several people take part in a conversation, we turn to the interlocutor who is more attractive to us. Or to the leader - as a sign of respect. This is the simple psychology of human gestures.Let's move closer
We try to get closer to those who are truly pleasant to us.PSYCHOLOGY OF FAMILY - FACE
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Raised eyebrows This is evidence that a person is sincerely interested, he is curious about what is happening. If he frowns, it means he is experiencing fear and embarrassment. The eyebrows are motionless if there is no interest in what is happening now. Closed eyes If the interlocutor in a conversation suddenly begins to rub his eyes, covers them with his hand or lowers his eyelids, it means that he is trying to protect himself from unpleasant or dangerous information that he has received. |
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Attention - on the face Have you noticed that your interlocutor often straightens his hair, moving it away from his face? Maybe he's a little nervous. Another interpretation: he is trying to attract your attention to his face and neck by flirting. |
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Lip biting It is easy to determine when a person is in a stressful situation: the interlocutor begins to bite or lick his lips. He does this to relieve tension and calm down a little. |
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Sincere smile Do they smile at you only with their lips for 5-6 seconds? This is a reason to doubt that the person is sincere with you now. After all, a real smile implies that it involves not only the lips, but also the eyes! If you want to be known as a thorough person at work, smile less. Employees who smile excessively do not seem too serious to management. |
Head tilt
Do you want to make it clear that your interlocutor’s words are interesting to you and that you are listening to him carefully? Tilt your head slightly towards him, showing that you don’t want to miss a single word.Eyes
If your counterpart blinks more than 6-8 times per minute, it means that the person is very worried at the moment.Nose
A person who is telling a lie really does have an itchy nose - it’s just at this moment that his adrenaline is released, which causes the capillaries to dilate and the nose begins to itch.Sight
By looking at us, we can determine whether the interlocutor is lying to us or whether he is interested in someone present. If your interlocutor looks too closely into your eyes without looking away, this may mean that he is deceiving you. But, realizing this, he tries to seem sincere, without taking his eyes off your face. A quick exchange of glances occurs between people who like each other. If a man casts quick interested glances at you and immediately looks away, he likes you, but he is not sure of reciprocal feelings. A quick glance is one of the signs of a defensive reaction: a person is afraid of rejection.Nods
If you nod your head, and do it more than once, you show your interlocutor that you are interested. If you nod three times at once, the person's response will be about three times longer. This means don’t nod more than once if you want to quickly end a boring conversation.Looking from the bottom up
A person who tilts his head slightly and looks up at his interlocutor needs support and protection. This is how young children often look, and there are plenty of photographs of Princess Diana in this position.Pursed lips
When the interlocutor's lips stretch into a thin line, there is no doubt that the person is simply furious. The fact is that in a calm state, few people can purse their lips in this way.Look up
Do you want to know what your interlocutor is thinking about? Notice how his eyes move. When a person remembers what he saw before, he looks up, as if trying to imagine the picture. When a person remembers what he heard, he looks towards one of his ears. And the deepest experiences are accompanied by a gaze that seems to be directed inward and does not react to what is happening around.Forehead and ear massage
Does your interlocutor touch his forehead or stroke his earlobes? He feels vulnerable and defenseless and tries to relieve tension. For example, a person may react this way when a boss looks around at his subordinates, trying to decide who to entrust an unpleasant job to. By touching the forehead, earlobes, rubbing our knees, we massage the nerve endings, and this helps reduce blood pressure and pulse.By the way, the psychology of human gestures speaks louder than words. Scientists have found that with their help we receive up to 90% of information. Whereas words give us no more than 7%.
BODY
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| Feet shoulder width apart This position speaks of self-confidence and a tendency to dominate. During an argument, a person in this position will firmly stand his ground. If you want to intensify the impression, place your hands on your hips - this is a traditional position that shows strength. | Crossed arms It may seem that the person crossing his arms is angry or wants to close himself off from the eyes of others. But don't rush into such an assessment. This pose can really indicate that a person does not want to let anyone into his thoughts if his legs are also crossed. However, it is worth paying attention to the surrounding environment: most often people take this position when they are cold. And besides, many find this position simply comfortable. | Body weight is transferred from one leg to the other The way your body moves matches your thoughts. Does your partner often shift from one foot to the other or sway back and forth? He is worried or upset about something. In other words, these movements clearly indicate what is happening in a person’s head: he moves from one unpleasant thought to another and cannot decide on a solution. |
Feet pointing towards the door
It’s easy to determine how interesting the conversation is to your interlocutor. If you are talking to a person whose feet are turned towards the door, this is a sign that he wants to end the conversation as quickly as possible and is looking for a way to retreat.HANDS
The interlocutor hides his hands, Does he keep them behind his back or put them in his pockets? He is hiding something from you, does not give complete information. A person who touches his nails and cuticles while talking(and even worse - he bites his nails), gives the impression of insecurity and vulnerability. Instead, interlace your fingers to appear calm and balanced.Restless gestures
Does a person alternately take off and then put on his shoes under the table, shake his legs rhythmically, or cross one leg over the other? Such gestures help relieve anxiety. They also say that the situation is unpleasant for you.What do you know about the psychology of gestures and facial expressions?
PHOTO: ALEXANDER ZELENTSOV. MODEL: DIANA LYUBIMOVA/FRESHMODELS. MAKEUP AND HAIR: NADEZhDA KNYAZEVA. DIANA WEARS: RIVER ISLAND JEANS AND TOP, TWIN-SET SHOES
I received a letter:
I have a question for you and, if you can, tell me how to solve it correctly. When I start speaking, such a stupor begins that all the words fly out of my head. How to overcome this? Best regards, Vitaly, Kyiv.
***
Let's think: what is the condition called “stupor”? This is when a person does not know what to do next.
Why does this happen?
Because you have to do something that has never been done before. Maybe tried have done this many times, but have never been able to do this.
This means that next time there will be no stupor, you need to do two things.
First: “rewind the situation” and understand what still needed to be done. Secondly, and most importantly: in a calm environment, train the correct action to the point of automaticity. Then next time you won't have to think about what to do. You will automatically perform a pre-prepared action.
Actually, in all life situations, when we react quickly, we do exactly the same thing: we repeat once again an action that has been rehearsed many times in advance.
Remember the first time you made a fried egg or rode a bike? Surely, first the scrambled eggs were burnt, and there were traces of numerous bicycle falls on your knees and elbows. But everything is fine now, right? Because youdid the right thing many times.
Do you know why football players are so nervous before important matches that their knees are literally shaking, and when they take the field, all the excitement immediately disappears and they start playing great football? Because when they enter the field, they do what they already do.repeated many times.
So, to avoid stupor, you just need to train in advance how to react to the words of your interlocutor.
But it's easy to say! How exactly to do this?
Let's look at two situations. The first is if you have a conversational barrierin English lessons. Second - if you can't speakin real life.
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How to overcome conversational block in English lessons.
Your teacher should help you here. If he sees that you are silent and don’t know what to say, then he should start a phrase and gesture to invite you to repeat it. In such a way that you can finish it yourself.
Very often the problem is just getting started. Because when the teacherwill say literally the first two or three words of the phrase, and you repeat them, then everything further will be much easier.
For example, you don't know how to say: “Every time I see Jack Nicholson, I think he looks like my uncle.”
The teacher says: “Every time I see Jack...”, and you repeat the beginning and continue: “Every time I see Jack Nicholson, I think that he looks like my uncle.”
Great! But let's think: since you were able to say this phrase only with the help of a teacher, then, most likely, within ten minutes you will forget it again. Not to mention being able to say it fluently and expressively in the future.
But you want it, don’t you?
There are two simple secrets for this.
First. After you have slowly and with difficulty, but still said the correct phrase, don’t be lazyrepeat it immediately out loud two or three times.It's like walking in the snow: you walk once and the tracks are barely visible. And I walked two or three times and it was already a small path. And along this path of your memory it will be much easier to get to the right word.
Second. And if you don’t want the “path” to be covered with snow in ten minutes, but, on the contrary, it turns into a smooth road, thenwrite down the whole phrase, and then come back to it againat least ten times.
Of course, very soon a whole carload of such phrases will accumulate; but, fortunately, in orderto refresh the phrase in your memory later, enough once clearly and distinctly pronounce it OUT LOUD and understand.And that's it - you can move on to the next one.
***
How to overcome conversational block in real life.
Let's face it: even a person with a vocabulary of 100 English words will not have a stupor in communication if you allow him to speak with monstrous errors, and if the word is unknown, then expressively demonstrate it with a gesture. For example, you don’t know how to say: “Your boss is a fat idiot,” but oh well! Say: “Your...”, then show with a gesture an important person in a tie, then show your belly (“fat”) with your hands, and twirl your finger at your temple to portray an idiot.
Why, I wonder, don’t we do this? But because during a conversation we want not only to express our thoughts, but to do it beautifully, fluently and without mistakes. But, alas: for this we must have a lot of experience behind us in saying such phrases. And if there is no such experience, then the notorious stupor sets in.
Therefore, in such a situation, the secret is this: convey your idea to your interlocutor using all the means at your disposal. That is, if you don’t know how to say something difficult, say the same thing more simply. And help yourself with gestures. If you don’t know how to say: “What time does the ferry to Mallorca leave?”, then say something like: “When does the ship to Mallorca leave?” and gesture to show the time on the clock and the ship on the waves.
You can object that your interlocutor will think of you: “Ugh, what bad English!” But if you think so, you don't know people well. Most of them do not evaluate your language skills during a conversation. They are simply trying to understand your point. And they rejoice when they succeed. Therefore, the simpler you express your thoughts, the greater the chances that your interlocutor will understand you. And he will be happy about it.
I would like to emphasize: this is not a call to speak a primitive language all the time. It's justAn effective way to overcome conversational stupor. And in order for the language not to be primitive, of course, you need to study regularly and gradually accumulate vocabulary - and this is easy to do without stress at home.
The little secret of good conversationalists
Here are a couple more secrets that can help you with your speech. Briefly they can be formulated as follows:
1) speak according to the scheme: “thesis - example”;
2) after expressing a few thoughts, ask your interlocutor for his opinion.
Let's make these two things clear. Very often, during a conversation, people become silent because, having said a certain thesis, they do not know what to say next.
For example:
Miranda: "Where do you work?"
Pedro: “I’m a pilot.”
Miranda: “Ahhh...”
An awkward silence. And why? But because Pedro didn’t want to talk about the details, and Miranda didn’t think to ask. Or it could be like this:
Miranda : "Where do you work?"
Pedro: “I'm a pilot. I flew around the whole world, not only in Antarctica. I spend more time in the air than on the ground.”
Miranda: "Is it true? Where did you like best?”
Pedro: “In the Cayman Islands. A piece of paradise! Everyone is smiling, there is no crime, eternal summer. Tell me, Miranda, have you ever been to the Caribbean?”
Miranda: “No, but I’m just planning to go to Barbados next summer. Were you there too?”
Pedro: “I was, and I can even give you a wonderful guide to this country.”
Do you see? It was a great conversation. And even with a possible pleasant continuation... Why? Because the interlocutors, having stated the thesis, immediately supported it with details. And then they asked an interesting question.
***
So, to avoid stupor:
On lessons:
1) Practice! Stupor isnot knowing what to do. Regularly practicing speaking in class, you will get rid of the misunderstanding of how to act in real life;
2) ask a teacherstart a sentence for you, and then repeat it and continue further;
3) while a good phrase is in your RAM,repeat it fluently two or three more times;
3) write down good phrases (entirely! ) and subsequently about ten times come back to them. During repetition, say each phrase once out loud.
In real life:
1) Express your thoughtsthe dictionary you have, DO NOT be afraid to keep it simple;
2) help yourself gestures;
3) speak according to the scheme “ thesis - example”;
4) do not talk for a long time;saying a few phrases, ask your interlocutorinterest Ask.
I really hope that these simple things will help you communicate in English with pleasure.
See you soon!
Anton Brejestovski
Human gestures are in most cases involuntary, and their meaning is read by us unconsciously. Therefore, knowing body language, you will be able to both “read” the interlocutor and deliberately use the described gestures in a conversation to make the necessary impression.
1. Interest
Most people try to follow the unspoken rule of communication and show signs of interest in any conversation by asking the other person about various details. Therefore, it is very important to be able to read the real mood of the interlocutor and his attitude towards the conversation based on non-verbal signs.
The listener's interest is revealed by the absence of gestures. Your interlocutor, who is sincerely delighted with your speeches, will be completely focused on you, trying not to create unnecessary noise. In most cases, such a person will stare at you, his whole body frozen. His eyebrows may be slightly raised and his eyes widened.
A person who experiences great interest in what is happening strives with his whole being to get closer to the source of information. Therefore, you can notice the tilt of the body towards the speaker.
2. Lack of interest
A disinterested person, on the contrary, will look in different directions, make numerous movements, and look at the phone. The fewer movements your interlocutor makes when talking to you, the more interested he is in you.
A person also demonstrates his rejection of the situation by the direction of his gaze. If he looks at the door, he is bored or your company is not particularly pleasant for him. The desire to leave is also indicated by the direction of the body and legs towards the exit.
It is important to be able to distinguish the lack of interest in you from the thoughtfulness of your interlocutor. He may be immersed in his problems and show no signs of interest. The thoughtfulness of a person can be determined by his hands and gaze.
If the interlocutor’s limbs constantly live somewhere near the head, he scratches the back of his head, rubs his temples, rests his forehead on his hand, and his gaze is not focused, you can rest assured that an active thought process is going on in his head and at the moment his own thoughts are more relevant to him. thoughts than communication. Therefore, you should not draw conclusions about the rudeness of your interlocutor if you receive a sharp response to your appeal. It is better to leave a person in such a state alone.
3. Respect
For a man, there is the easiest and most reliable way to find out how the interlocutor treats him - a handshake. A person who respects you will be the first to extend his hand to greet you. If he does this without much desire or with a delay, he treats you rather arrogantly. The duration of the handshake, as well as the angle between the hands, also matters: people who respect each other do not try to quickly release their hand, and also keep their hands straight.
The look of a person who respects you is open, the smile is sincere. He often glances in your direction, and if he is looking for your approval, he will look away when your views intersect.
4. Sexual sympathy
yourspeech.ru A sincere smile is the best indicator of sympathy. However, you need to learn to read it. It should be wide, the corners of the mouth should be raised, and the upper eyelids should be slightly lowered. This is a real, frank smile, which, like nothing else, indicates your likeability to a person. Mirroring the interlocutor's posture is also a universal sign of sympathy.
Confident men express their sympathy for a girl by lingering on her gaze. Those who are less confident, on the contrary, will sometimes glance at the object of their sighs, quickly changing the direction of their gaze. Also, a man can hook the belt in the abdominal area with his thumb, point his feet towards the woman and constantly adjust his clothes in her presence.
Signs of female sympathy are well known: ladies begin to unconsciously touch their hair and adjust their clothes. Attraction is also indicated by a slightly open mouth, enlarged pupils, and demonstration of sexual parts of the body.
5. Neglect
A clear sign of a dismissive attitude is a look from above: barely open eyes at the moment of greeting, a formal, artificial smile, general lethargy of facial expressions.
If a person's arms are crossed over his chest and his thumbs up, he feels superior. Other signs indicate the same: hands clasped behind the head or folded into a “house”.
6. Mistrust
attico.dp.ua A person who strongly doubts the truth of your words will most likely try to avoid direct eye contact. The interlocutor, who has not formed a definite opinion regarding your words, will repeat certain monotonous movements such as scratching his head, raising his hands to his face, and shrugging his shoulders. In such a situation, he really doubts and you still have a chance to persuade him to your point of view.
If a person touches your mouth, then he most likely no longer trusts you. He doubts your sincerity, and it will be quite difficult to convince him.
7. Feeling of danger
yourspeech.ru The person believes that you pose a danger. Not necessarily physical: your words may radically diverge from his position, and he prepares for defense at the verbal level. This condition is evidenced by well-known closed postures: crossed arms or legs. However, this same sign characterizes uncertain people or people who find themselves in an unfamiliar environment.
In such a situation, it is best to change the tone and topic of the conversation. Switch to something else, neutral or pleasant for the interlocutor. When his tension subsides, carefully return to the unfinished conversation. If his position becomes open and his legs and arms no longer cross, you can be sure that his attitude towards you has become more friendly.
8. Hidden consent
Very often, people internally agree with what you say, but in conversation they continue to defend their point of view. This can happen for various reasons: perhaps they are trying to negotiate more favorable terms when negotiating a contract, although they agree to less. The ability to read this internal agreement is very important.
The absence of the interlocutor’s gestures of disagreement and distrust, which are described above, speaks precisely of this. The person will argue with you, but at the level of gestures he does not show disagreement, behaving relaxed and free. This is a clear sign of willingness to accept your terms. If, at the moment of denying your words, he makes affirmative nods of his head, as if saying “Yes, yes, I understand everything, but...”, insist on your point, he really understands everything and has already accepted your conditions.
Knowledge of body language (the meaning of various gestures, facial expressions, etc.) is mandatory in the West for managers, starting from middle management. This article gives the meaning of only a very few gestures out of all their diversity.
Gestures of openness. Among them, the following can be distinguished: Open hands with palms up / a gesture associated with sincerity and openness /, a shrug accompanied by a gesture of open hands / indicates openness of nature/, unbuttoning a jacket / people who are open and friendly towards you often unbutton their jacket during a conversation and even remove it in your presence/. For example, when children are proud of their achievements, they openly show their hands, and when they feel guilty or wary, they hide their hands either in their pockets or behind their backs. Experts also noticed that during successful negotiations, their participants unbutton their jackets, straighten their legs, and move to the edge of the chair close to the table, which separates them from the interlocutor.
Gestures of protection /defensive/. They respond to possible threats and conflict situations. When we see that the interlocutor has his arms crossed on his chest, we should reconsider what we are doing or saying, because he begins to move away from the discussion. Hands clenched into fists also mean a defensive reaction from the speaker.
Gestures of appreciation . They express thoughtfulness and dreaminess. For example, the “hand on cheek” gesture - people resting their cheek on their hand are usually immersed in deep thought. A gesture of critical assessment - the chin rests on the palm. the index finger is extended along the cheek, the remaining fingers are below the mouth / “wait and see” position/. A person sits on the edge of a chair, elbows on hips, arms hanging freely / “this is wonderful!” position. A bowed head is a gesture of attentive listening. So, if the majority of listeners in the audience do not have their heads bowed, it means that the group as a whole is not interested in the material that the teacher is presenting. Scratching the chin / "okay, let's think about it" gesture / is used when a person is busy making a decision. Gestures about glasses / wipes glasses, puts the frame of glasses in the mouth, etc./ - this is a pause for reflection. reflecting on one's situation before more vigorously resisting, asking for clarification or raising a question.
pacing . - a gesture indicating an attempt to solve a complex problem or make a difficult decision. Pinching the bridge of the nose is a gesture, usually combined with closed eyes, and indicates deep concentration of intense thought.
Gestures of boredom . They are expressed by tapping your foot on the floor or clicking the cap of a pen. Head in the palm of your hand. Automatic drawing on paper. Empty look / “I look at you, but I don’t listen” /.
Gestures of courtship, "preening" . For women, they look like smoothing their hair, straightening their hair, clothes, looking at themselves in the mirror and turning in front of it; swaying your hips, slowly crossing and spreading your legs in front of a man, stroking yourself on your calves, knees, thighs; balancing shoes on the tips of the fingers / “in your presence I feel comfortable” /, for men - adjusting a tie, cufflinks, jacket, straightening the whole body, moving the chin up and down, etc.
Gestures of suspicion and secrecy . The hand covers the mouth - the interlocutor carefully hides his position on the issue under discussion. Looking to the side is an indicator of secrecy. The legs or the whole body are facing the exit - a sure sign that the person wants to end the conversation or meeting. Touching or rubbing the nose with the index finger is a sign of doubt / other varieties of this gesture are rubbing the index finger behind the ear or in front of the ear, rubbing the eyes /
Gestures of dominance and submission. Superiority can be expressed in a welcoming handshake. When a person shakes your hand firmly and turns it so that his palm rests on top of yours, he is trying to express something like physical superiority. And, conversely, when he extends his hand with his palm up, it means he is ready to accept a subordinate role. When the interlocutor’s hand is casually tucked into his jacket pocket during a conversation, and his thumb is outside, this expresses the person’s confidence in his superiority.
Gestures of readiness . Hands on hips are the first sign of readiness (this can often be observed in athletes waiting for their turn to perform). A variation of this pose in a sitting position - a person sits on the edge of a chair, the elbow of one hand and the palm of the other resting on the knees / this is how they sit immediately before concluding an agreement or. on the contrary, before getting up and leaving/.
Reinsurance gestures . Different finger movements reflect different sensations: uncertainty, internal conflict, fears. In this case, the child sucks his finger, the teenager bites his nails, and the adult often replaces his finger with a fountain pen or pencil and bites them. Other gestures of this group are interlocking fingers, with the thumbs rubbing each other; pinching of the skin; touching the back of a chair before sitting down in a gathering of other people.
For women, a typical gesture of instilling inner confidence is a slow and graceful raising of the hand to the neck.
Gestures of frustration. They are characterized by short, intermittent breathing, often accompanied by unclear sounds such as moaning, mooing, etc. someone who does not notice the moment when his opponent begins to breathe rapidly and continues to prove his point may run into trouble/; tightly entwined, tense hands - a gesture of distrust and suspicion / one who tries, by clasping his hands, to assure others of his sincerity, usually fails /, hands tightly clasping one another - this means the person is in a “trouble”, for example, must answer a question . containing a serious accusation against him/; stroking the neck with the palm /in many cases when a person is defending himself/ - women usually adjust their hair in these situations.
Gestures of trust . The fingers are connected like the dome of a temple / "dome" gesture/, which means trust and some self-satisfaction, selfishness or pride / a very common gesture in boss-subordinate relationships/.
Gestures of authoritarianism. The hands are connected behind the back, the chin is raised (this is how army commanders, police officers, and senior leaders often stand). In general, if you want to make your superiority clear, you just need to physically rise above your opponent - sit above him if you are talking while sitting, or maybe stand in front of him.
Gestures of nervousness . Coughing, clearing the throat /those who often do this feel insecure, anxious/, elbows are placed on the table, forming a pyramid, the top of which is the hands located directly in front of the mouth / such people play “cat and mouse” with partners while they do not give them the opportunity to “reveal their cards,” which is indicated by moving their hands away from their mouths onto the table, jingling coins in their pockets, indicating concern about the availability or lack of money; tugging at one's ear is a sign that the interlocutor wants to interrupt the conversation, but is restraining himself.
Gestures of self-control. Hands placed behind the back and tightly clenched. Another pose - sitting in a chair, a person crossed his ankles and grabbed the armrests with his hands / typical for waiting for an appointment with the dentist /. The gestures of this group signal a desire to deal with strong feelings and emotions.
Body language expressed in gait.
The most important are speed, size of steps, degree of tension, body movements associated with walking, and placement of toes. Don't forget about the influence of shoes (especially for women)!
Fast or slow gait depends on temperament and strength of impulses: restless-nervous – lively and active – calm and relaxed – sluggish-lazy (for example, with a relaxed, saggy posture, etc.)
Wide steps(more often in men than in women): often extroversion, determination, zeal, enterprise, efficiency. Most likely aimed at distant goals.
Short, small steps(more often in women than in men): rather introversion, caution, calculation, adaptability, quick thinking and reactions, restraint.
Emphatically wide and slow gait– desire to show off, actions with pathos. Strong and heavy movements should always demonstrate to others the strength and importance of the individual. Question: really?
Pronounced relaxed gait- lack of interest, indifference, aversion to coercion and responsibility, or in many young people - immaturity, lack of self-discipline, or snobbery.
Noticeably small and at the same time fast steps, rhythmically disturbed: anxiety, timidity of various shades. (Unconscious goal: to evade, give way to any danger).
Rhythmically strong gait, swaying slightly back and forth(with increased movements of the hips), claiming some space: naive-instinctive and self-confident natures.
Shuffling, sagging gait refusal of volitional efforts and aspirations, lethargy, slowness, laziness.
Heavy "proud" gait, in which there is something theatrical, not entirely appropriate, when when walking slowly the steps are relatively small (a contradiction), when the upper part of the body is held emphatically and too straight, perhaps with a disturbed rhythm: overestimation of oneself, arrogance, narcissism.
Firm, angular, stilted, wooden gait(unnatural tension in the legs, the body cannot sway naturally): tightness, lack of contact, timidity - hence, as compensation, excessive hardness, overexertion.
Unnaturally jerky gait pointedly large and fast steps, noticeable waving of the arms back and forth: the existing and demonstrated activity is often just meaningless busyness and efforts regarding some of one’s own desires.
Constant lifting up(on tense toes): upward striving, driven by an ideal, a strong need, a sense of intellectual superiority.
Posture
Good relaxed posture– it is based on high receptivity and openness to the environment, the ability to immediately use internal strengths, natural self-confidence and a sense of security.
Body stiffness or tension: a self-defensive reaction when they feel out of place and want to pull away. Greater or lesser constraint, avoidance of contacts, closedness, self-focused state of mind. Often sensitivity (impressionability with the need to evaluate oneself).
Constant tension and external rigidity with a certain coldness of manifestations: sensitive natures who try to hide behind the appearance of firmness and confidence (often quite successfully).
Poor, sluggish posture: outside and inside "hang your nose"
Slouched back: humility, submission, sometimes servility. This is a spiritual state that is confirmed by a facial expression known to everyone.
Commonly adopted conventional poses(for example, one or two hands in pockets, hands behind the back or crossed on the chest, etc.) - if not associated with states of tension: lack of independence, the need to quietly include oneself in the general order. It is often observed when several people gather in a group.
Body Language - Shoulder Girdle and Upper Body
Combination: high shoulders with a slightly hunched back and a more or less retracted chin(more or less bowed head, pulled into the shoulders): a feeling of threat and the resulting defensive behavior: helplessness, a feeling of “stubble,” fear, nervousness, timidity. If it persists constantly, it is an established trait that has developed from a prolonged stay in a state of intimidation, for example, with constant fear of parents or a spouse (domestic tyrant).
Shoulders falling forward– a feeling of weakness and depression, humility, a feeling or inferiority complex.
Squeezing the shoulders forward and outward- with strong fear, horror.
Free shoulder drop– a feeling of confidence, inner freedom, mastery of the situation.
Shoulder push back– a feeling of strength, one’s own capabilities, activity, enterprise, determination to act, often overestimating oneself.
Alternating raising and lowering of shoulders– inability to establish something accurately, doubts, thoughts, skepticism.
Protruding chest(intensive inhalations and exhalations, a constant large amount of air remaining in the lungs):
“+”: consciousness of strength, strong sense of one’s personality, activity, enterprise, need for social contacts.
“-” (especially if emphasized): arrogance, “inflated” person, “inflated” intentions, overestimation of oneself.
Sunken chest(exhalation is more intense than inhalation, there is a minimal amount of air in the lungs) – often the shoulders fall forward:
“+”: inner peace, a certain indifference, isolation, but all this is within the boundaries of the positive, as it stems from weakness of motives.
“-”: poor health, lack of drive and vitality, passivity, humility, depression (especially with a general loss of strength).
Hands rest on hips: the need for strengthening, strengthening. Demonstration to others of one’s firmness, confidence, stability and superiority: hands are not used at all in an argument, claims to a large space. Challenge, bravado. Often compensation for hidden feelings of weakness or embarrassment. The action is enhanced when the legs are spread wide and the head is pulled back.
The arms support the upper body by leaning on something, for example, against a table, the back of a chair, a low platform, etc.: this is an upper body supporting movement for someone who is weak on their feet; in a psychological sense - the desire for spiritual support in the face of internal uncertainty.
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The psychological meaning of gestures is necessarily studied within the framework of the subject "Practical psychology and hypnosis"
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