If a man is able to make decisions and take responsibility in a difficult situation - of course, this characterizes him with positive side. However, behind the strength of character there is often a despot hidden.

How to deal with aggressive husband: Should I endure his attacks or break off the relationship once and for all? What to do if you did not recognize these inclinations in your chosen one before the wedding? First, let's understand what aggression is.

It is destructive motivated behavior that results in harm to people, objects and the environment. This is not always physical violence. Victims of aggression experience moral discomfort, fear and negative emotions from negative moral influence.

Signs of a domestic tyrant

It is not easy to recognize an aggressor husband in a happy groom. Unfortunately, there is a type of man who does not tolerate objections and, at the slightest provocation, bursts into abuse or begins to let loose.

The one who recently swore to you eternal love, can “treat” you with a tasty slap in the face or even beat you up. In fact, recognizing an aggressive person is not difficult. It’s just a woman, blinded by love, acting like Pushkin’s hero: “I myself am glad to be deceived.”

The following signs will help you recognize a potential tyrant:

• drug abuse or drunkenness with low intelligence. A state of intoxication promotes aggression: this is a truism;
• tendency to settle disputes with fists. Be sure that your chosen one will transfer this behavioral stereotype into family relationships;
• upbringing. If your potential spouse grew up in a family where everything was run by an authoritarian father, then most likely he will behave the same way towards you. Pay attention to his statements about women. Constant criticism and talk about “lower beings obliged to obey” betrays the future abuser;
• men who served in hot spots also represent a risk group. It is impossible to endure what they had to endure without mental damage.

Forms of manifestation of aggression in the family

There are several forms of aggression.

Verbal

Verbal aggression is swearing, threats, mean jokes and remarks, and statements in a derogatory form. Of course, words, no matter how angry and offensive they may be, are not capable of causing physical harm.

However, listening to them is offensive and unpleasant. Moral suffering is no better than physical suffering. Even “affectionate” and “harmless” pet nicknames can carry offensive connotations.

For example, if a man calls his wife “Doughnut”, “Piglet” or “Dumpling”, then the wife often takes this personally, thinking that her husband has stopped loving her because she has lost her former slimness. All sorts of “Rats”, “Snakes”, “Nutria”, “Piggy” or “Hippos” are no better.

As a rule, a man sincerely does not understand that his statements leave an unpleasant aftertaste for his wife. Moreover, evil and stupid jokes come from the person closest to you.

Physical

It cannot be said that fights in the family are a common occurrence, but, to be honest, they sometimes happen. Not only wives and children, but also husbands become victims of physical violence. According to statistics, more than half of women have experienced physical aggression in the family in one way or another.

Form of protection

Sometimes a husband attacks his wife with his fists, and she defends herself from him with whatever comes to hand. For example, with the same rolling pin or frying pan. It’s hard to blame her, although it doesn’t look very nice, to put it mildly.

Indeed, in this case, the woman is protecting herself, and, possibly, her own life. As you can see, aggression can manifest itself in different ways and with certain nuances, adjusted for a specific family.

In any case, the aggressor has a number of common features:

• considers the people around him to be enemies and waits for the moment to attack. In their opinion, better protection from the enemy is an attack;
• low self-esteem. The aggressor believes that by humiliating other people, especially loved ones, he asserts himself, increases his own importance and seems stronger to others;
• tendency to blame others for your failures and troubles. For example, an “armchair genius” believes that if it weren’t for his family, he would have been able to achieve much more in life. This is an elementary attempt to justify one’s own laziness, lack of ability and character. At the same time, he completely refuses to take responsibility for his own actions, and he is not able to calculate their consequences;
• hot temper, the ability to demonstrate anger and displeasure at the slightest provocation. This is where his extreme self-centeredness manifests itself. A tyrant very rarely agrees to compromise.

Perhaps this suggests that coexistence with such an unpleasant person under one roof is not an easy task. This behavior can destroy any relationship.

First of all, you need to be aware of the following. If a man has shown aggression at least once, it is at least naive to assume that nothing like this will ever happen again. All his apologies and repentances are 99% false, if only because the destructive mechanism has already been launched.

We will leave one percent for those rare cases when a man had the intelligence and character to analyze his own behavior and curb himself on his own, without the intervention of other people and a professional psychologist.

Here are some tips for women, since they are often the victims in such situations:

• Do not tolerate or hope that sooner or later your spouse will “come to his senses.” Moreover, seeing his impunity, the aggressor spouse will consider his behavior acceptable;
• . They shouldn't see anything like this. It is most often useless to explain this to an aggressor husband. In moments of anger, he strives only for self-affirmation and he does not care who is in front of him;
• if you see that attempts to improve relationships and consultations with a psychologist have not led to a positive result, there is only one way out -. Of course, many women find thousands of reasons why this cannot be done, but they gradually come to the conclusion: it is better to put an end to the constant humiliation and threats.

What is the behavioral pattern with an abusive husband?

Competent tactics of behavior with an abusive husband are based on the following points:

• don’t be afraid to point out a man’s shortcomings. Most likely, he himself is far from an oligarch and not an Apollo to demand from his wife model parameters like the notorious 90-60-90. An even wiser solution is an offer to change for the better, but only together;
• try to analyze why your husband displays the traits of a tyrant. References to “Domostroy” and the wild proverb “Hitting means loving” are in no way suitable here;
• Do not allow humiliation and, especially, assault towards you. At the same time, do not force a man to do something that he clearly does not want. Positive results will be brought not by pressure, but by negotiations;
• Increase your self-esteem, try to be independent and self-sufficient. You want to be less aggressive around such a person.

Tolerate or file for divorce?

As already said, there is no need to be patient. It often happens that divorce is the only way out of a situation that is commonly called “stalemate.”

Let's try to understand the reasons that keep a woman from taking a decisive step, although she herself clearly understands that this cannot continue like this:

• financial dependence. Or, more simply put, the fear of being left without a livelihood. Try to find a job or ask relatives for temporary financial support. The aggressor will lose his main trump card - submission with the help of;
• fear of even greater aggression. In fact, if you stay in the family, the humiliation will continue. Isn’t it better to break off the relationship and hide from the domestic tyrant so that he has “short arms” to humiliate or beat you;
• complete satisfaction with the situation. Oddly enough, there are women who like to be victims. The only thing that can be advised in this case is: think about your children, if you don’t love yourself that much. They are not to blame for your psychological problems;
• “He hits (or is jealous), which means he loves”. This category of wives is so downtrodden and deprived of attention that they perceive even beatings as a sign of care. It wouldn't hurt to know that love and respect are expressed in slightly different ways. At least not with fists;
• fear of loneliness. The woman is afraid that she will no longer be able to arrange her life and thinks “whatever, but still the man is nearby.” If you get rid of a toxic relationship, you can gain freedom of action and have a chance to build new relationships differently. And the fears are completely unfounded;
• hopes that “he will be re-educated”. The difficulty is that the man himself must want to change. And this does not always happen.

Behavioral tactics during a divorce from an aggressive husband

Practice shows that an abusive husband does not abandon his habits even during a divorce. He often threatens his wife and takes everything.

It often happens that a woman, both in the old days and now, suffers from her lawful companion physically and morally. Some hundred or two hundred years ago it was not even allowed to talk about this problem out loud, it was considered the norm, but now a woman knows her rights and is not afraid to fight back.

Usually a woman tolerates her husband’s aggression, especially if the child grows up. The reason is obvious: she is afraid to be alone. In the first years of a child’s life, a woman depends on her husband financially; some simply understand that there will be nowhere to live and nothing to eat. After all, very often after a divorce, a man ceases to take part in custody of the child, it is more difficult for a single mother to remarry, as others believe, the child needs a father. Simply fear of her husband stops a woman from taking a decisive step.

All this stops the lady from getting a divorce. And she hopes that her partner will change. And the spouse constantly promises that he will improve, that this will not happen again, especially when law enforcement agencies intervene. Then the wife believes again in his promises, but a moment comes and everything repeats itself.

However, if the husband hit his companion once, then this will be repeated. This should be stopped immediately. No matter how a woman behaves, no matter what sin she commits, her husband can, in order to calm her down, slap her in the face or shake her slightly, but no more. Beating a woman is unmanly.

Reasons for husband's aggression

Why does the person who once loved you change so much?

How to deal with husband's aggression?

1. Before drawing any conclusions and looking for reasons, you need to talk with your chosen one and find out from him the reason for this behavior. Look at his parents' relationship. Maybe the reason comes from there? If this is the case, then it will be difficult to remake the satellite, but it is possible. Be gentle and patient with him. Don't respond to rudeness with rudeness.
2. Try to convey to him that this attitude is unpleasant for you. But this didn’t happen in your parents’ family, and for you it’s just wild. Explain this to him, show him with an example.
3. Agree with your husband that as soon as he wants to yell at you or is dissatisfied with something, at that moment he goes into another room and calms down.
4. Perhaps your companion is having problems at work. He wants to be alone, and you bother him. As soon as you see what he has Bad mood, don't come first. When needed, he will do it himself.
5. Let the man feel like a leader in the family. Believe me, he will be grateful if this place is given to him.
6. However, if your spouse decides that this attitude is normal and is not going to change, leave him without even thinking. If he loves you, he will change. If the attacks do not stop, but become even stronger, then write a statement against him.

Good afternoon
I decided not to create new topic, since there is such a thing. I hope someone wise can read it.

I am just such a husband. I have bouts of uncontrollable rage. Today, just like this happened, I had a quarrel with my wife. I’m afraid of losing her and the child, so I’m writing to you here. Also tomorrow I will go to get tested for hormones and check the thyroid gland (my mother has such a problem, although her thyroid gland disappeared after giving birth, but it may be hereditary).

The city in which I live is very small and I’m not sure that there will be competent psychologists here. I’ll describe everything in detail, maybe it will help, and at the same time I’ll talk it out.

I. I am 28 years old. I was born in a small town, then we moved to Moscow when I was 12 years old, after the death of my father. Because My father is a Muscovite, so my grandmother and my brother were waiting for me and my mother at MSC, he is 13 years older than me. I made friends in Moscow, I consider this city my home and I love it very much. I finished school and then went to college. I didn’t like the institute, transferred to another one, then quit and joined the army. I was not accepted into the army due to health reasons. I returned back to the institute for the correspondence course and went to work. I worked in different areas, but HR was the closest. I worked as a personnel manager in a recruitment agency and for a direct employer. The year before last I found a good company for myself: good management, excellent team. It was a lot of work, but everything was manageable.
Partially, I consider myself not a very lucky guy, because... The realization that I needed to earn money came only when I was 25. Before that time, I was more involved in searching for myself. I can drink beer with friends, I don’t drink strong drinks. I smoked for 13 years, but now I quit. I love to play computer games, train the dog. I try to do everything 100%. Motto: do it right - it will be fine.

My wife. My wife (we are not officially married, but I consider her that way) is 9 years older than me. She is a candidate of science and has a 16-year-old daughter from a previous marriage. Beautiful woman. Lives in a small town. I divorced my husband last year due to the latter’s reluctance to change anything in his life. More specifically: I constantly played on the computer. He didn’t play games, didn’t take care of his daughter, didn’t pay attention to his wife, had no plans for the future, didn’t even help around the house at all. They lived in apartment 1, which had not been renovated for many years. The wife herself did what she could: painted the corridor, etc. Her sister’s husband installed the interior door, while my wife’s ex-husband sat next to him and played the computer. I’m writing all this not to show how bad he is, but so that you understand that my wife is tired of such a life.
Of course, against this background I looked better and I managed to convince her to get a divorce.

Our relationship. We have been together for more than 6 years. We met at MSC. A romance ensued. I’m at MSC, she’s at home (the other end of the country). She is married, and I fell in love with her. And I decided to achieve it. Telephone conversations, letters, etc. Meetings 2-4 times a year. in different cities of the country. Romance. During this time, we broke up many times, then got back together. I must say that this is food. the woman with whom I had a relationship (adolescence does not count). We fought a lot, there was a period of time where we fought every Saturday. In relationships, I am an honest person, which is why I suffer. I have no secrets from her at all. I smoked cigarettes, walked with others (it should be noted that this was after major quarrels) - my wife knows all this. I think that if you mess up, it’s better to admit it right away, because it will come up anyway. And given my memory, I might spill the beans myself. So it's better to tell everything. Just later, in the lyrics. In quarrels, all this comes up to me, and even after several years. Which irritates me terribly.

A year ago. A year ago, after her divorce from her husband, I decided to move in with her. I packed my things and left MSC for a provincial town. Dropped promising job, which I liked (the boss even cried), family and friends. We lived in her one-room apartment with our 16-year-old daughter. I must say that my daughter accepted me. Not with hostility. You can live. My wife got me a job with her. The plan was this: new opportunities opened up at her job and she was given a promotion and an increase in salary. We would work together on one project, for which we would be paid well and we would go to MSC.
There were quarrels, but we had major quarrels 2 times in just six months. And that’s because of my stepdaughter. Because Since she, like her dad, doesn’t do anything around the house, it really infuriated me to wash the dishes after her. I think that a teenager is able to wash his own plate and at least wipe the floor.
Made renovations in the apartment. Just didn’t touch the ceiling, it was intact. normal. The floors, walls, and doors have been completely redone.
In the spring, my wife had a delay and we decided to leave the child, because... Still, age and there may not be a second chance. It should be noted that because of this decision, she was unable to go to America for six months under the Fulbright program, which she won. And on which I spent a year. Sometimes it slips into her mind that if she went, she would find an American there and would stay, even if she didn’t find one, she would still stay, find a way. I’m sure that if I wanted to, I really would stay.
At the end of spring, I accidentally find out that a new position with different money has opened at my old job. And they want to take me on it. Then we came up with another plan: I’m leaving back for MSC, she’s selling the apartment and coming to me.
I left. But literally on the trail. the day I learned that the traitor did not need to leave. And she won't go anywhere. 2 months of long persuasion and listening to what a goat I am (sorry) and we finally managed to get the ball rolling. At the end of the summer, she sold her apartment, took out a loan and bought a two-room apartment. Also, at the end of the summer, she was given a promotion again and her salary was increased. It became obvious that she would not go anywhere.
It became clear that she would not go anywhere and it was decided. We decided to change the plan again. I take maternity leave from my job and come back. It works, we are waiting for money from the old project - we pay it for the apartment, then we sell it and leave for MSC. Just during this time the child will get stronger.
I again leave my job (because it is not clear whether they will take me back), family, friends, prospects for growth and come to this small town.

Present tense Now I'm already 2.5. I've been babysitting for months. I cook (which I haven’t done at all before), by the way, I’ve learned quite well. I clean every day (my stepdaughter doesn’t help with this at all, only with a very big kick, from my wife, of course). I'm going shopping. I'm taking care of the child. In short, I do everything a woman should do. My wife, on the contrary, plows like a horse for 12 hours without days off, which is exactly what I should be doing.

What pisses me off This situation really irritates me. It infuriates me to clean up after my stepdaughter (nothing has changed since that year), I get tired of the child (I love her, of course, and I can’t live without her, but God knows how hard it is with small children, when she can’t say anything and just yells ), every single day, carry her in your arms from one corner of the apartment to another. It annoys me that I don't work at all. I can’t stand this town, where you don’t even have a choice of which cinema to go to, especially since there’s only one. I can’t talk to anyone, because I don’t know anyone, and because of the big time difference, I can’t talk to my friends either. I can’t discuss this with my wife either, because she gets very tired at work and thinks that I’m crazy and don’t do a damn thing around the house: We need to do some renovations in our new apartment. I did it in my stepdaughter’s room, leaving the kitchen and our room. That I could start renovating the kitchen.

Bouts of rage Yesterday my wife came home from work, and I went for a walk with the dog, I consider this my outlet, because... I can get out of the apartment and work out with the pet (by the way, the dog is not mine, but my stepdaughter’s, who does not look after her. The dog has grown up bad and wayward, so I’m trying to reason with him). After I came home, she told me that she couldn’t sleep because... the child did not fall asleep. And I go and take care of the dog. And all this in a dissatisfied tone. And it infuriates me when they talk to me in such a tone, no, I would say: “dear, next time don’t walk the dog for so long or come out later, I want to sleep after work.” Naturally, I was angry that she couldn’t sit with the child for an hour. That's all. stopped talking to me. Okay, I caught my breath and decided to make peace. In the evening I went for a walk with my dog ​​and bought some chocolate. Today I tried to talk in a normal tone all day, asking several times not to sulk. I “licked” the whole apartment, cooked food, did laundry, worked with the baby and the dog. My wife was not at work this afternoon (it must be said that she works from 8 am to 5 pm, and then a few more hours before bed). And when the ice had already broken, she told me that she did not want to go to MSC. This made me terribly angry and I launched the stool standing next to me into flight. To my shame, in front of a child.
It happens to me, I can throw my mobile phone at the wall, just yell in front of the baby, this happened 2 or 3 weeks ago. When this happens, I can’t control myself, I just want to destroy something. Of course, I understand where things can and cannot be thrown, but that’s just it. which I understand in a fit of anger.
I understand that the circumstances have developed this way, they must be endured, and when we find ourselves in MSC everything will be different... although maybe not... I don’t know.
Write to me how to deal with these attacks of anger?

Sorry for such a long story. Thanks for reading.

Decisiveness in difficult situations and the ability to take decisions upon oneself, of course, characterize every man exceptionally well. But sometimes behind these qualities lies a despot and tyrant. What to do if your husband turned out to be an aggressive tyrant, and you did not have time to recognize this tendency in your chosen one and married him?

Aggressive husband tyrant: signs

It is not always possible to discern the future aggressive husband of a tyrant in a happy groom. However, there is a type of man who completely dictates his will to his wife and family, without accepting any objections from them.

How to protect yourself from a man who considers a woman only his own appendage and uses his hands at the slightest sign of resistance? Alas, but this is so - a person who recently swore eternal love to you, today can regularly reward you with cuffs, or even beat you up.

It must be said that all the signs of a future aggressive husband - a tyrant can be recognized even before the wedding. It's just that a woman blinded by love doesn't want to see them.

And you should definitely be wary if a man has a poorly developed intellect and abuses alcohol and drugs. Alcohol and drug intoxication contributes to the development of aggression.

Aggression in general is a very alarming sign. For example, if you see that your chosen one, at the slightest provocation, or even without it at all, gets into a fight with others, then be sure that the same stereotype of behavior will be brought to family life.

In a separate risk group are those men who have visited one of the hot spots. Alas, for all their heroism, the psyche of such people is seriously disturbed, because the human mind simply cannot endure what they had to endure without loss.

If your lover grew up in a difficult family environment and under the influence of an authoritarian father, rest assured that tyranny awaits you. And finally, pay attention to how a man talks about others or his ex-wife. If he endlessly criticizes them and believes that everyone should obey him, you, too, will soon fall into the clutches of an aggressive husband - a tyrant.

If your husband is a tyrant: what to do?

· This question is quite controversial and even psychologists disagree. One thing is for sure: if you were unable to recognize a tendency towards aggression and violence in your future husband and entered into marriage with him, each such case must be considered individually.

· How aggression manifests itself, what results it becomes, what its causes are - all this matters. So, for example, if your husband, a tyrant, is drunk and attacks you with his fists, this is one thing, but if before that you tormented him for a long time with your nagging and insults and he could not restrain himself, this is completely different.

Of course, no one, in any case, justifies a man who raised his hand against his wife or another woman, but you must agree that the approach to solving problems should be different. If assault occurs regularly, then one thing can be said - you need to run away from such a man. It is useless to hope that he will stop.

· If this was an isolated one-time incident, try to discuss the problem together, identify its causes and, perhaps, somehow reconsider your own behavior too.

A tyrant husband keeps all his household members in constant tension. The wife will face severe punishment for not preparing dinner on time or not ironing a shirt well enough. A child is afraid to go home if he received an unsatisfactory grade at school. The husband dictates to his wife what kind of friends she should choose and what to wear. The state of constant stress becomes unbearable.

How to deal with a tyrant husband at home?

· Of course, the most correct decision would be to get a divorce, but, unfortunately, not everyone has the determination and mental strength to do this. Open resistance is the lot of strong people, but sometimes such confrontation even ends tragically. In order to curb a domestic tyrant, a woman needs to be both an actress and a diplomat. And also have the intuition of a sapper.

· Hide all your emotions. Such a man cannot be criticized or pointed out to him about any shortcomings. If he feels guilty, his tyranny will become even greater.

· If he starts to find fault with you, do not even think about making your own demands. A domestic despot does not tolerate confrontation or struggle. If you need something, try asking him for a favor in a soft, non-persistent tone.

· It must be said, however, that in some cases, having received a decisive rebuff, an aggressive tyrant husband may back down. The fact is that such character traits developed in him because as a child he suffered from his cruel parents or was weaker among his peers, with all the ensuing consequences.

Therefore, he takes out his childhood fears and complexes on the weaker and more submissive. However, in order to resolutely resist a tyrant husband, remarkable will and strength of character, and sometimes physical strength, are required.

· If you are ready to oppose him with the strength of your spirit, then you must immediately declare that you will no longer tolerate such treatment of yourself. If he tries to humiliate you again, threaten him with divorce. After such a statement, many despots try to pull themselves together, realizing that they have crossed certain limits. Many, but, alas, not all. And if a woman continues to endure such mockery of herself, then one can only feel sorry for her.

How to protect yourself from an aggressive ex-husband

Often, after an unsuccessful marriage, spouses part, unfortunately, not as friends. Even children together and years spent together will not make them stop being angry with each other. But how can a woman, whom her ex-husband held responsible for the collapse of their relationship, find a calm life?

A marriage is built by two people. And if it fails, then mentally you can blame anyone, although this situation is common. Sometimes the matter is complicated by the fact that the ex-husband behaves aggressively or tries to deprive the spouse of communication with the children or takes away all the property acquired together.

In any case, try not to give free rein to your emotions and calmly defend what you are entitled to by law.

You need to find a competent lawyer. No matter what your spouse tells you, you have equal rights with him, including to children and property. A lawyer will help you sort out all the legal formalities and in the meantime, you will help yourself psychologically.

Don't let yourself be intimidated. Sometimes abandoned spouses behave quite aggressively. If you openly receive threats, do not allow you to lead a normal life, or are terrorized with calls, then you need to firmly explain to the aggressive person ex-husband that you do not intend to communicate with him in this mode and demand that he leave you alone. Don't be afraid to seem impolite. In this situation we are talking about your peace of mind, and not about decency.

You must boldly enter new life, leave all grievances in the past and accept the experience of divorce as painful, but still an experience. In the future, you will definitely meet a person with whom you will feel happy.