Of course, a loving father and mother understand that in each of their children they need to see, first of all, a unique personality, and find the strength to develop their individual abilities, regardless of what other children are doing. And the main thing is to find time to communicate with each child separately from the others in order to establish contact and close relationships. But still, any parent is interested in learning about the most vulnerable aspects of the family hierarchy in order to pay more attention to some children and support others.
The first damn thing is lumpy
If you choose between the position of the eldest and the youngest in the family, it seems to me that the latter is much easier. Because if a brother-sister is born after the older one, there is not enough time and energy for the first-born, and if, on the contrary, he remains alone for several years, then too much attention is paid to him. Dad and mom, grandparents - everyone rushes to EDUCATE the only one, the eldest. But it is he who is loved “one on one”. He does not share his parents or all his relatives with anyone. They feel some special feeling towards him - when the first-born is born, all other matters in comparison with his appearance become small and tertiary.
They say that “the first child is the last doll.” But more often, another proverb comes to mind - about “the first pancake is lumpy”: they dress and swaddle you wrong, they feed and water you wrong, they put you to bed wrong. On the other hand, it is with the first child that mothers and even fathers carefully read smart books, ask for advice from more experienced parents, and it is the first child that is taken to the doctors, given a massage and shown to specialists. They take him for walks in the park every day and go to groups early development. Sometimes, however, to such an extent that when the time comes to enroll in school, he reports that he is already tired of studying.
They say that the childhood of the first one ends when the next one is born. Mom gave birth to a brother and now she thinks that the elder should help her - “bring a diaper, give a pacifier, throw it away, go play, take a walk, buy it...” There’s more to come. There was a mother in the room with me, who asked her eldest twenty-year-old son to pick her up from the maternity hospital - they say, dad is busy at work, and you come and pick it up. All parents expect help and support from their older child. And there's nothing wrong with that. The child grows up responsible, he helps his parents. It is not for nothing that, according to statistics, most often older girls from large families become teachers or doctors. Organization, the ability to establish contact, creativity - this is what being a senior teaches.
Children often rejoice at the opportunity to participate in adult life" At a certain age, “helping parents” is perceived with great pleasure, but all parents should remember that taking dirty diapers to the trash can with a keen sense of novelty once or twice, such help quickly becomes boring, and the feeling that mom is no longer “his” , is growing every day. With the appearance of a little “competitor,” the older one begins to literally “strangle” him with questions: do you love me, and who more, and why did you kiss him three times and me? The passion for the pacifier and bottle flares up again. Feelings of jealousy even in adulthood, especially if the number of children in the family does not exceed two, can be difficult to suppress. Even if the difference between the children is significant, the parents are still forced to answer the questions of the grown-up elders: “why are you going to his Christmas tree, but you didn’t go to mine,” “why are he having birthday parties, but not me.” A 14-year-old boy I know is always offended if people don’t buy him lollipops like his three-year-old brother.
Revolutionary Crusader Scientists
Somehow boys have no luck at all. They immediately rush to introduce them to everyone around them as “heirs”; only one question arises: what? In good old England there was a good saying: “The history of this country is written by the younger sons,” because it was the eldest who got the title, money, power, and the younger ones had to spin around and make their own way in life. They were the ones who went on crusades, explored new lands and conquered foreign countries.
In the center of Riga there is still the House of the Blackheads, decorated with a relief of the Catholic Saint Mauritius, who was a black Moor, the youngest son in his family. The Brotherhood of Blackheads chose this saint as their patron - younger sons noble families who, during the time of the majorate, ensured the prosperity of the Hansa, a union of Baltic trading cities, with their business endeavors. But primogeniture is a thing of the past - the indivisibility of inheritance remained in the Middle Ages. Now, when talking about an heir, people mean something else. Let's say the first child enters school, and he is looked at as a representative of the family - how he will behave, study, and, accordingly, what to expect from his younger brothers and sisters. The eldest is used to judge the rest of the children and the family as a whole.
There is an interesting theory: older children, to whom parents subconsciously delegate part of their authority (“Keep an eye on your brother,” “Go to your sister’s class, see if her textbook is there,” “Pick up from school, feed her lunch,” etc.). ), become guardians of traditional parental values. The younger ones, on the contrary, are innovators and revolutionaries, they made discoveries in science and art - remember Johann Sebastian Bach and Dmitry Mendeleev. This theory would be beautiful and harmonious if Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein were not the eldest sons in their families, and there are many such examples.
Younger children are often more infantile than older children - they no longer demand so much from them, perhaps because their parents no longer have so much strength; the younger ones are forgiven more. Even in adulthood, they seem to be waiting for someone to solve their problems. Elders often rely only on themselves and assess reality more objectively. On the other hand, younger children with early childhood They know that their older brother or sister is physically stronger than them, so it’s easier for them to learn to negotiate than to get their way by force. Later, when they become adults, the “younger ones” often demonstrate good communication skills - the ability to negotiate, give in, and compromise.
However, not all disputes between elders and younger ones - whether they are of the same sex or different - can be resolved with the help of words. Fights between brothers and sisters are quite common. Moreover, it is most often impossible to find out who is to blame for what happened: the younger one started, but the older one provoked him, and did it because the younger one ruined something or took it without asking, but in turn, he did this because... An endless tangle that the parent unwinds until the next conflict arises between the children. And everything repeats itself again. It’s easier to simply separate the fighters into different rooms without finding out which of them was the first in this particular quarrel. After sitting alone for five to ten minutes, kids usually find the right words to sort things out.
The most unfortunate
If you weigh on imaginary scales who is more fortunate or unlucky - the older or the younger - I think the scales will stop exactly in the middle. Everyone's position has its own difficulties. But this is precisely why middle children often become the most vulnerable among brothers and sisters - they have the disadvantages of being older and younger, but do not have their advantages. After all middle child He was never the only one with his parents, but at the same time, the youngest’s bonuses also passed him by. Parents often rely on the education of their older children, on their successful socialization; the younger ones are often pampered and pitied by father, mother, and grandparents. But the middle one remains somewhere on the sidelines.
Trying to try on the role of either the elder or the younger, he cannot fully realize himself in each of these roles. If he exhibits leadership skills, the older ones subconsciously suppress them, if he wants to indulge like the younger one, the parents say: “Well, why are you acting like a little kid, you’re an older brother, you should set an example.” It is believed that he can grow up to be self-critical and anxious, since it is difficult for him to find his individual role in the family hierarchy; it seems to him that life is unfair, but he is forced to get used to it. Alfred Adler, the author of the inferiority complex theory, wrote that the middle child is under constant pressure from both sides - “struggling to get ahead of his older brother, and afraid of being caught up by the younger one.” Psychologists believe that average children often try to attract the attention of their parents by not being very good; by doing this they want to draw attention to themselves. Also, those who do not receive enough mother's care may get sick more often than their brothers and sisters. Subconsciously, they know that if they get sick, they will receive something that they are deprived of in ordinary everyday life.
But still, the position of the middle ones also has its advantages - those who are constantly between seniors and juniors know how to communicate with both. As a result, communication skills with people - strong point the middle child in the family.
Psychologists also pay attention not only to the ordinal number of the child in the family, but also to the gender ratio among children - younger brother of sisters, older brother of brothers. There are quite a lot of such behavior patterns, and the often described signs and qualities of certain family members correspond to what you actually encounter in life. But still, the set of life circumstances (born second after an older brother and has three younger sisters) does not exhaust a person. I think any parent is interested in learning about the most vulnerable aspects of the family hierarchy in order to pay attention to some, support others, etc. But, on the other hand, a loving father and mother understand that in each of their children they need to see, first of all, a unique personality, and find the strength to develop their individual abilities, regardless of what the eldest son or daughter does. And the main thing is to find time to communicate with each child separately from others in order to establish contact and close relationships that will help him in the future overcome stereotypes and go beyond a certain social model.
Anastasia OTROSHCHENKO
Natasha met her future husband during an anniversary meeting with classmates. It was 10 years since they graduated from school, so they decided to celebrate it at the dacha of Boris, a guy from their class. There Natalya saw Vlad, his younger brother. She saw it and was surprised: where were her eyes before, why didn’t she notice such a handsome guy at school?..
After the party they started calling each other and meeting. And six months later, Vlad made her an official marriage proposal. Natalya agreed immediately: firstly, she liked the guy, and secondly, she knew his older brother well. Boris has always been very serious, independent, responsible and hardworking. The only one of those who, even in the last grade, did all his homework and who could be copied in class, a reliable friend in all matters...
What a surprise it was when, just a few months later, she realized: Vlad is the complete opposite of his older brother. Frivolous, careless, lazy, incapable of anything either at home or, especially, in serious life matters.
Falling in love gave way to disappointment. Natalya began to think that she had made a mistake in choosing Vlad...
Now let’s remember the fairy tale about how one father had three sons: the eldest is smart, the second is neither this nor that, and the third, the youngest, is a fool and a fool... This fairy tale very accurately and vividly characterizes three types of men .
Older brother- and indeed often the smartest. And not only among his brothers and sisters, but also among his colleagues. Since childhood, he was an authority on the younger ones, he was used to taking care of them, protecting them, and being responsible for them to his parents. Therefore, he knows how to light a fire and cook soup... He usually transfers his responsibility and care to friends, classmates, colleagues, and over time - to his parents, especially the elderly. The elder brother is accustomed to work from an early age, he studies diligently at school, and then works conscientiously and purposefully. The eldest is more likely than other brothers to succeed in his career. At home, he is a thrifty and caring husband, father and son, who well understands his purpose - to provide and protect. This is exactly the man about whom they say: “Behind your husband is like behind a stone wall.”
Middle-brother- so-so... But only at a glance. The “average” ones turn out to be quite talented and successful people, after all, the middle one competes with the older one for primacy throughout his entire childhood. In addition, the middle brother usually has a more malleable character: he is not used to commanding and reading morals, like the elder, he knows how to negotiate. He constantly strives for leadership and does not like to obey, so in adult life he tries to choose a job where he will be his own boss. It is from this cohort that many come out business people...By the way, for family life Such men are simply a godsend. They do not have extremes in character. It is easy to find a common language with them.
Jr- usually everyone's favorite, often a runt. He gets used to this role and tries to be in it all his life. Since childhood, he has been embraced by the love and care of not only his parents, but also his older brothers and sisters. They forgive him what they do not forgive others. Therefore, the youngest gets used to hiding behind the backs of the elders in difficult situations and not answering for anything. The habit turns into a character trait, and eventually a person grows up who takes problems lightly in the family, at work, and in life in general. The younger ones are not used to straining themselves, taking responsibility, or overcoming difficulties, which is why it is difficult for them to make a career. But they are often the soul of the team. Younger brothers are usually very sociable. Since childhood, they have become accustomed to avoiding conflicts with older, physically stronger people, and have learned to quell disputes with sweet smiles, excuses and excuses... Living with such a man is quite difficult. You will have to take on the role of “mom” - make all important decisions yourself: make repairs, raise children, and at the same time - your husband. And you will also have to endure his cheerful company, friends and, possibly, girlfriends...
“A young man visits his younger sister with an amateur video camera, creating a provocative amateur film in order to get rid of the skeletons in the closet.” - quote from the description of the film. In fact, there is only one skeleton and it is not entirely clear whose it is.
Hey, baby, I’m on my way,” the guy hastily freed himself from his things, not hesitating to throw them around someone else’s apartment. The sound of water could already be heard from the bath. His sweater flew towards the sofa and landed in the aquarium on a small green turtle, which he himself had brought as a gift. Smiling contentedly in anticipation, he took off his shoes and took hold of the belt of his trousers. “Ramon,” the girl said in a chant, “hurry up, I can’t wait.” “I’m flying, baby, don’t start without me,” the guy laughed at his own joke. Almost jumping out of his pants, he caught his foot in his own belt and landed on all fours. - Ramon, what do you have there? – Hearing the roar and swearing, the girl shouted. - Baby, everything is fine, the conqueror of your heart brings you great gift “,” he yelled back, “close your eyes, spread your legs,” he added, grinning obscenely and trying to get up, “I’m coming.” Loud laughter was heard from the bathtub. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” whispered right over my ear. He turned towards the voice and only managed to see the rough boots and feel the pain that covered his eyelids like a veil. The uninvited guest pulled the unconscious man by the arms and leaned him back against the wall. Opposite the slightly open bathroom door, he installed a camera, which he had not left since his arrival in this house. Freed from his clothes, he silently, full of determination, walked into the tiny bath shrouded in steam. In the shower stall, with her back to him, stood the very one for whom he started all this. A cascade of soft hair, drops of water on her skin, she rubbed herself with a soapy sponge. Her thin back was pleasantly rounded towards the bottom. Her wide hips, so soft to the touch, obediently pressed against his hips, and her small breasts fit perfectly into his palms. The girl shuddered from his awkward movement; he quietly approached, but could not restrain himself and pulled her towards him rather roughly. Excitement came in a wild wave. He exhaled convulsively and pressed his lips to her neck, not allowing her to turn her face. What does her skin taste like? He had wanted to try it for a long time. This thought had not left him since he saw her in the greenhouse on the top floor, when she was trying to hide from the camera there with a funny pout. She climbed out through the window, which acted as a door, and childishly turned away, staring at the wall. She covered her face with her hands when she heard his footsteps approaching. The overalls she was wearing with the baggy shorts left little to the imagination. But the girl did not give in, did not allow herself to be hugged. Swinging her collected hair into a ponytail, she turned around and ran away from him. Now she was melting in his arms, pressing against his excited body. Her breasts responded tremblingly to his caresses, to the soft and demanding touches of her nipples. He changed the rhythm, caressing her breasts, squeezing them in his palms. “Ramon, today you are not the same as always,” she whispered and wanted to turn around. But the man didn’t allow it; he covered her eyes with his palm and pressed her head to his shoulder. She exhaled and froze, her hands lay on her own breasts, squeezing her erect nipples. Vague thoughts visited her head, but were instantly drowned in a haze of bliss when he lowered his other hand down and, pressing lightly, spread her legs. His fingers plunged into her, moving rhythmically and slowly. “Oh, Ramon, don’t stop,” the girl asked, and he again showered her neck with scorching kisses, “Did you leaf through that book that I brought you?” The question remained unanswered. But her body responded obediently, she wriggled, impaled herself on his fingers and rubbed against him like a cat. Instinctively trying to get rid of the grip, she turned her head, but to no avail. Massaging her clitoris, he achieved a loud sigh - a moan, a spasm twisted her body, her back arched, causing her tender breasts to rise seductively. Then the girl went limp for a moment, and only then did he free her head. She leaned forward, her wet hair , stuck together, stuck to the face under the streams of water. The girl staggered and grabbed the shampoo shelf, using it as support. She bent over a little and felt how hard fingers grabbed her hips tightly, pushing her closer to the man's body. Her head was spinning from the orgasm she had just experienced, and she obediently spread her legs a little wider. She reached back with one hand and helped him in. The sensations were new and surprisingly painful. “Ramon, wait,” she protested, trying to push away, but his movements only gained speed. The girl winced painfully and moaned, trying to take a more comfortable position. The man put his hand under her elbow and pulled her towards him. His palm lay firmly on the girl’s stomach. “Ramon, it hurts me,” she hit the man on the arm, “what’s wrong with you today?!” In response, he grabbed her right leg under the knee and lifted it up. It became more difficult to maintain balance, and the girl rested her other hand on the shower door. The angle of his penetration changed, and the girl stopped trying to resist. He entered her exactly the way she wanted and it gave pleasure. Almost completely leaving her body and then entering again, as deeply as possible, he made her body shudder and moan. All this time the man was silent, and she began to squeeze him from the inside, diligently stimulating him, achieving his moans. “Dantier,” a hoarse groan came from above her ear. She jerked as if from a blow, her excitement subsided, but her body still obediently accepted the strange man. Her unpleasant thoughts, sensations, guesses took shape. She looked over her shoulder, her eyes wide and filled with disgust. She jerked again, trying to free herself, but the man moved a couple of steps forward and pressed her into the corner of the booth, continuing to pound into her body. Crushing her firm breasts in his palm. “Don’t be stubborn, Dan,” the man was no longer silent, realizing that his secret had been revealed, “I know how to do you good,” he said sarcastically. Standing slightly sideways to her and again changing the angle of penetration, the man lowered one hand to her lower abdomen and touched the swollen clitoris. Having pressed on it, he rubbed it lightly and pressed again, without stopping his sharp movements, again he brought the girl to orgasm and, feeling how she shrank, he came himself. The limp member gently slid out of her body. A moment later, a white drop emerged from her open folds, she stood under the stream of water and the white liquid flowed down her legs. She was afraid to turn to him. He took just a step back. “Dantier,” he drawled her name as in childhood, “you liked it, you’ve wanted this for a long time,” the man said rather affirmatively. She shook her head negatively, causing her wet hair to splash droplets of water all over the place. She hugged herself by the shoulders, covering her breasts, to which he grinned caustically. “Tiin,” the girl suddenly said quietly and without emotion, “how could you?” The man frowned, he didn’t like her tone at all, he came up again and, pulling her by the neck, tried to kiss her. “So I could,” ignoring her protests, he leaned towards her lips again, “remember how you commanded me and asked me to show you,” he pulled her face with force, squeezed her cheeks with his fingers and looked intently into her eyes, “Dantier, who we have a boss? - Stop it! – she screamed and put her hands out in defense. - Where is Ramon? What did you do with him? “Don’t shout,” Martin frowned even deeper and put his finger to his lips, “shhh...Be quiet, otherwise you will wake up your prince, and he will be able to see with what pleasure you gave yourself to your brother.” His dark, angry eyes literally drilled into her, and a wave of sticky horror ran down her spine. “Tiin, you won’t do this,” she let go of her hands and allowed him to pull her closer, allowing him to cover her lips with a kiss. - A doomed look and a submissive look are not what I need, Dantier. You know this very well. - What do you need, Martin? Why did you come here? – it seemed to him or in her gaze, and indeed, sparks of rage flashed. Remaining calm, he thought for a moment, looking at her naked body, making her want to shrink. “Just tell me what you told me as a child,” and, seeing her lack of understanding, he added, “tell me that you are the boss.”
Older and Younger Surely many grown-up older children remember how, under the threat of punishment, they were left to look after their younger brother or sister, scolded if they fell and got into trouble, suppressed fair complaints and indignation with the words “He’s small! Give in to him!
At the same time, the younger ones can “present” that they wore the clothes of their elders, sat at home when they went to parties and clubs, and were constantly the object of comparison with them. And woe to the younger ones, if they were in some way unlike them in a “negative” way - they studied worse, indulged more and obeyed their parents less.
It’s good if such grievances are remembered with a smile or slight sadness. But often such “greetings” from childhood quite poison the lives of adults. A man buys himself new trousers every month because he was the fourth child in the family. The older sister literally plows all her life for the younger ones, forgetting about herself, despite the fact that the “younger” ones are already 35 years old. Someone remembers how they didn’t buy him roller skates, having spent the saved money on a toy for his younger brother, and another how he hated his older brother only because he was constantly set as an example as the more skillful and independent among them.
Raising an older and younger child in the same conditions is not only difficult, it is impossible because the older one will forever remain scary, and the younger one will remain younger. Much has been written in psychology about how children perceive their birth order in the family, how the perception of the world and themselves depends on this, and how the child’s personality develops.
But if there is no escape from psychology, and parents cannot change the birth order of each child, then they are quite capable of making sure that the situations described above are as few as possible. To do this, you need to try to avoid the following parenting techniques.
1. Buy youngest child as little new clothes as possible.
Of course, if there are a lot of things left from the older one, it is a pity to throw them away or give them away, especially if the children are of the same sex and the younger one has not yet grown up to them. For the family budget, this is a good saving of money, but for the youngest child, it is a denial of his right to identity, separation from the older child.
An exception may be the situation when the younger person himself wants something like the older one.
2. Take the younger one to the same classes as the older one: everyone goes in the same direction early, so at least they will be under supervision.
In this situation, the youngest child’s right to independence is denied in the same way. For other interests, activities and hobbies. Of course, it is convenient when two children go to the same section and look after each other, but this is not always useful for the development of the children themselves.
3. Compare the elder with the younger, burdening him with the responsibility of “being like his older brother.”
This is perhaps the most difficult, but the most important. Of course, having the experience of raising one child, it is difficult to resist comparing him with another. In this case, compare the children at least to yourself. The younger one does not necessarily need to know that the older one at his age already tidied up the toys himself, drew a beautiful picture of the sun, or even went to the store to buy bread.
Olesya Garanina
educational psychologist
When comparing children with each other, you, especially if this comparison is not in favor of one of the children, make two mistakes - you drive the person you are comparing into a corner, developing hatred towards your brother/sister, and you deprive yourself of the opportunity to gain new parenting experience. Who said that the way it happened with the old one is right and true?
You need to compare in order to praise one without belittling the other and without creating in him a feeling of envy and inferiority.
For example: “Look how Volodya drew! Well done to our big brother?!”, “How great Oksana danced, right, Kolya? What a smart sister you have,” instead of phrases - “Look how Volodya drew, it’s not like you,” “It’s great, Oksana danced. Maybe you will/want to do this too?!”
4. “Grow up” the elder, devaluing his feelings and desires:“You're older, be smarter; give in to him, he’s small and in general, at least behave normally.”
5. Load responsibility for the younger one: “If something happens to him, it’s your fault.”
The eldest child, whether he was 3 years old or 8 at the time of the birth of the youngest, has not ceased to be your child either. And he continues to need your love, and not at all to suddenly become another “parent” for the baby. In such a situation, the feeling of love is more likely to give way to irritation and anger. It’s better to involve him as much as possible in caring for the baby, tell him and show him how small and helpless he is. And teach the younger one that the older brother or sister must be respected and obeyed, not interfere with his studies, and not take pencils from his desk without asking.
Remember that two children are not two opposing camps that need to be brought to a common denominator, but two sources of love and joy for parents, two personalities, each of which needs to be sent into life on its own path!
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Siblings make us smarter, relieve us of stress, improve our mental health and generally make our lives better. Such positive effects have been studied in detail and proven by scientists. So, no matter how much your brothers or sisters may annoy you at times, say thank you.
And at this time website will tell you about 10 amazing things that scientists have discovered about brothers and sisters.
1. Younger people live longer than older ones and have a lighter character
Having a sister, whether younger or older, protects you from feelings of loneliness, guilt, fear and depression, says a Brigham Young University study. Lead study author Laura Padilla-Walker said: “A sibling is a powerful protective factor for our nervous system. Especially during adolescence."
4. Boys who have a sister tend to flirt with girls all the time.
Jeffrey Kluger, in his book The Brother Effect, described several studies that examined how people behave during quick date. During the experiments, it was found that most men who grew up with sisters communicate much better with the opposite sex compared to those who grew up with brothers or were the only child in the family.
They also found out something about women who have brothers. As Kluger writes, “most girls were less serious and more open in their interactions with the opposite sex.”
5. Older children are more likely to develop allergies.
This is especially true for food allergies. The Japanese Medical Center conducted a study in which 13 thousand children aged 7 to 15 years were surveyed. It turned out that older siblings were more likely to suffer from food allergies, conjunctivitis and respiratory problems than younger ones.
6. 70% of fathers and 65% of mothers often give preference to only one of their children
No, this does not mean that one child is loved more than the other. But parents, in principle, cannot treat their children the same. For example, older children receive privileges and freedom that younger ones do not receive, and younger children receive indulgences that are not available to older ones.
In addition, one of the children usually fulfills the dreams and aspirations of the father, which can earn his favor. And the other is the mother.
7. Older brothers have higher IQs than younger brothers.
It may sound unfair, but children who are born first tend to have a significant intellectual advantage.
As scientists suggest, this is all due to the fact that older brothers and sisters often spend time teaching younger ones, thereby strengthening their own knowledge.
However, there is another study that suggests that many younger children match their older children's IQ levels by the time they reach the age of 12.
8. The more siblings you have, the less likely you are to get divorced in the future.
