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Natalya Pokatilova
How to be the only one for your man

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Acknowledgments

The birth of a new book is always a very exciting moment. And how in the birth of a child everything seems to happen by itself and naturally, but in fact it turns out that incredible amount people are involved in this process, and in order for this book to see the light, many people did not just stand nearby, but took a direct part. And my sincere gratitude to them is recognition of the fact that we made this book through joint efforts.

First of all, my gratitude to my parents, and not for giving birth to me, raising me, and so on, but for the fact that they spent their entire life together resolving this issue of monogamy in marriage, without finding an answer. It was their story in which my childhood passed that pushed me to research and study issues of fidelity, intimacy and mutual interest for many years.

The next person I want to express my gratitude to is my husband, Konstantin Onishchenko. Thank you, dear, for not falling asleep in our marriage, for making me feel your living sexual energy all the time. Many of the tricks in this book are a continuation of our relationship games with you. I hope you will not go further in your reading than these thanks, otherwise you will have to invent something new, although... I can easily cope with this in our name.

Special thanks to my colleague and friend Svetlana Sharko for those conversations about intimacy, fidelity and monogamy, which enriched me with new knowledge and another professional perspective. Your contribution to my understanding of the mechanisms of maintaining and destroying intimacy in relationships is difficult to overestimate.

My most reverent gratitude to all those who participated in the trainings of the Alternative center performed by me. Your questions, your search for answers, your knowledge in this area not only enriched me, they were the driving force thanks to which this book was written. Without you, none of this would ever have happened.

My gratitude to my editor Yulia Verzunova! Working with you was easy and productive. At every stage of our interaction, I not only came into contact with high professionalism and excellent command of words, but also with a feeling of confidence in an excellent result. Many times you managed to calm my anxiety and restlessness with one or two phrases, which always accompanies any creative process. And if it weren’t for your sober and reasonable view, I would have written and rewritten this book endlessly. Thank you for not letting me do this.

And last but not least, my sincere gratitude to all my readers who read my books. It is your interest that makes my work meaningful and in demand. It is a great happiness for me to be useful to you!

Introduction

Hello girls! I congratulate you on reading this book. It contains a small but significant part of what we talked about at one of my multi-day trainings. We did very intense and creative work with its participants back then. We set ourselves the task of creating a book that would support many women, and I express my gratitude to all the girls who, with their active participation, stimulated my brain, my knowledge, skills and understanding of how everything works. Their questions, answers and searches for states, requests and needs are reflected in this book. And it seems to me that you will find among them those that are closer to you.

Two words about me. I am a psychologist, psychotherapist, author and presenter of trainings for women, founder and inspirer of the women's training center “Alternative”. At one time I graduated from the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University and residency at the Second Medical Institute in medical psychology and psychotherapy. A very classic fundamental education.

I have been working as a psychologist for 23 years and have a permanent private practice. I have been leading Alternative for 12 years, conducting trainings for 10 years, and writing books for 6 years. That's how much there is.

In addition, I studied ancient traditions: Vedic, Taoist, Slavic, and therefore I will periodically refer to this knowledge, relying on them as authoritative sources, because they are time-tested. Since then, little has changed in the nature of men and women; you and I were and remain hormonally determined.

Our book is not comprehensive, it is only about one aspect of relationships - about how to involve a man in yourself, how to manage male attention. More about how to deal with internal barriers that turn you off from relationships when your enthusiasm for being in them and involving a man in them disappears. More about how to build the kind of emotional and sexual intimacy that keeps your relationship alive and rich, filling you for a long, long time.

In addition, there is a certain legacy of previous generations of your family, which also greatly influences the building of harmonious relationships. A separate chapter will be devoted to this. She will help you deal with the vicissitudes of the fate of your ancestors and what you inherited in the topic of managing male attention and trust in a man. Let's talk about the reasons for betrayal, destruction of intimacy, triangles - love and not only love, but all kinds, when one of you runs away from a relationship into friendship, into work, into children.

Involving a man in yourself at the beginning of a relationship is much easier, because an energy storm, an explosion, a hormonal revolution is happening inside us. Then all this calms down and hormones are replaced by skills that can be called art, and not just a physiological reaction and nature. The art is not to get him involved at the beginning, but to get him involved every day. Our book is dedicated to this art, girls.

What is your request?

I have an idea of what is important to every woman, but you know your story and your needs best. They are unlikely to be very different from the needs and stories of those women who took part in the training. See what they want and tell us now yourself why you started reading this book? Formulate the questions you want answered. Describe what life situation you are in and why this topic is relevant to you now. Include everything you want to know in your request. I will try to make sure that by the end of this book you have all the answers.

* * *

“Now I am free, like a bird in flight, but when I think about my upcoming relationship with a man, I imagine hard, backbreaking moral internal and external work. Until now, all my relationships have fallen apart. And only in the last 2 years I began to understand the reasons and work with myself. I hope to dispel fears and acquire the skills of reasonable female communication with men, so as not to step on my favorite rake: love addiction, male behavior, weak or married men.

I really want to absorb information about the inner essence of a man, about the motives of his behavior. I want to sort out the differences between a man and a woman within myself, to absorb the basics of female behavior for successful relationships. I didn’t even see normal relationships in my life, let alone successful ones.”

* * *

“I realized that I had bullied my husband so much that he closed himself off from me and went far into a passive state. I want to officially acknowledge my inability to build a healthy, normal relationship with this man. I think that in order to try to restore relations, psychological support is needed for both participants in the disaster. I suspect that the other side is not particularly interested. Well, or so it seems to me.

It is important for me to regain my husband’s trust, his warm and close disposition and to become for him the girl whom he wants to protect and protect, and not a draft horse who does everything on her own. Yeah, and sometimes I also ask myself: why the hell do I need such a man, I can do everything myself? Horrible... How can I learn without doing it myself? So that he himself would want to carry me in his arms, and blow away dust particles, and offer a strong shoulder. I'm very tired of being strong.

I want to understand the boundaries where service to a man ends and sacrifice begins, it seems to me that I have problems with this. How can I learn to command respect from my man? Is this okay with other men?

How to return love when you’re not even sure if he had it? How can you tell if he is hating or defending himself?

It’s boiling... I don’t share such details with my friends, because the energy leaves the relationship, and I have nowhere to take it from.”

* * *

“I met a man with whom for the first time in my life there was such chemistry, a commonality of interests, views, even words and values. For the first time in a long time, I realized that I am capable of love and that there is a person in the world who is like my reflection. And before I only allowed myself to be loved. It seems to me that I “overexposed” men, too cold or something... It seems to me that the reason for the lack of an exclusive relationship is the fear that there I will be uninteresting to my man.

I want these tricks and little things to be built into me, allowing me to maintain the flame of passion between me and my beloved (when he appears), so that with me it will always be new and unexpected, cheerful and intriguing, mysterious and I want to solve it, and by solving it, even more to plunge into me and drown sweetly in me, learning new depths. I want to understand and accept the nature of men and relationships, their stages of development and how to behave correctly, fully attracting the attention of my man, so that I don’t get bored and other women are simply uninteresting, because no one could be compared with me, and I didn’t want to compare. To truly be the permanently loved, adored, incomparable queen of his heart by his unanimous and voluntary consent, and so that he can be sure of this every day, remaining a wild untamed beast.”

* * *

“I want to always be loved and desired. I don't want to change my loved one. We have a warm, close relationship. But I have a fear that I will become uninteresting to him. Now his career is rapidly developing, and I wish him success, but at the same time I am afraid that he may meet someone better. In a word, I'm afraid of losing him. Time goes by and I won't always be young. I can’t influence the time, but I can learn those things that attract a man. I want our relationship to remain “alive” even after many years.”

* * *

“It was a painful experience to be not the only one. In his first marriage, the relationship turned into a “neighborly” one and “suddenly” a woman appeared on the side, whom, as it turned out three years after the divorce, he had always loved and blamed himself for being timid for too long and unable to follow his love. I understand that he was not included in me. And there is panic fear treason. Therefore, now that I have been together for three and a half years with my second husband, I want to be sure that I am the only one, I want to include him in me every day, I want the relationship to “breathe” and be interesting for both me and him.” .

* * *

“I admit, girls, I experienced betrayal. I forgave you. She did it hard, long and painfully. And first of all, she made a vow not to reproach, not to be jealous, if she decided to forgive. Then I came to the conclusion that something was very wrong in our relationship. I want to say that my husband sought me out for a long time and persistently, and if now he is doing this, it means that I could not give him anything. Well, of course, I read this from books, because the women around me were just saying, “I’m a scoundrel, a scoundrel, how can he, etc.”

He didn’t just have a hook-up, he got seriously hooked. I felt it. This is what got me. And to be honest, it was his betrayal that pushed me to work on myself. How I worked myself up, what pictures I painted for myself! But books saved me. I read everything I could about relationships. Yes, there have been changes. Oh, girls, she used everything: manipulation, toadying, and pandering. There was something, but it wasn’t that or that. I then began to understand that, fearing betrayal again, I had grown inside him and was not letting him breathe. Psychologically. I forgot myself. I began to analyze how and what I was doing. I began to learn to wait. I started looking for what a woman is. I hadn’t seriously thought about this before. I clearly learned acceptance, and I also lost empathy when I tried to understand the reasons for the betrayal. Now the relationship, according to my husband, is even better than in the first years.

What do I want? So that this doesn't happen again. I want to know: why do men cheat? I want a more mature, conscious relationship. I want him to become successful again! I want knowledge and understanding. I want lightness, but it feels heavy to the touch.”

* * *

“This year will be our 25th anniversary family life with husband. And every year I value my relationships, the fact of family, more and more, and closeness with my husband is very important to me: physical, emotional, and psychological. Having a not very favorable heritage from my mother, it was difficult for me to build a truly sincere, open relationship with my husband.

I want to know how to be desirable and interesting after 25, 35, 45 years of marriage, when you don’t even need to raise children, and your body and appearance fade over the years? And there is nothing to surprise, he saw EVERYTHING.

How to believe in my husband, how to inspire him, when the experience of living together says that he is not what I want him to be. How can you still believe despite everything? How can you be more interesting than the Internet if your husband hangs out on the Internet? How to give freedom in a relationship? I like it when we are together, but at the same time there is nothing to talk about, and I don’t want to have sex. There’s a lot of fear of letting go, a lot of control, how to get rid of it?”

* * *

“I can’t believe that this is even possible - to be in a relationship with a man for many years and remain interesting, mysterious, sexually attractive to him and, most importantly, want the same thing. From almost everyone Serious relationships I ran away. Fearing, probably, pain, disappointment (in herself, in him, or in unjustified expectations). Previously, it seemed to me that my mom, dad, their divorce, and my “unsuccessful” childhood in general were “to blame.” Gradually I began to suspect that this was actually not the case. It’s just very convenient for me to blame someone for my reluctance to change and grow up. In your unwillingness to accept responsibility for your life.

Long happy experience family relations No. My first husband drank, and I was literally dissolved in him. I experienced the final divorce for a long time and painfully, although I loved him madly. Then she moved to live in another country. Unloved but good husband. I couldn’t bring myself to have sex through a bottle once a year; he wasn’t my type physically. Treason. I stayed for the sake of the child. Gratitude and Neighborhood 7 years. I decided to get a divorce when I realized that I couldn’t do it anymore, I was torturing both him and myself.

I want to enjoy relationships, and not live with the feeling of a cross. I want to gain practical knowledge, women's tricks and fortunes. I want to know why a man returns to the same woman again and again? I want to be such a woman."

What do you want?

Chapter 1

From the first charm to the first crisis

I wanted to start our conversation by talking about male monogamy, but, judging by the requests, the more pressing topic is what is a relationship anyway? What's happening to them? What stages do they go through? Many of you are at the beginning of a relationship, so let's start there to create a common understanding. And you, my dears, who are already deeply in a relationship, remember your story. Perhaps some aspects of your past will become more clear to you.

Where does it all begin? Scientists have conducted research, and surprisingly it turns out that we identify each other by smell. People with whom we are compatible and have every chance of genetically healthy and maximally viable offspring smell attractive to us.

People with whom we are genetically incompatible do not smell right to us. I think you've noticed that if a person smells bad, you can't move on, you can't develop a relationship because you start to feel disgusted. Is it true? This is how nature takes care of healthy offspring and procreation.

We are all absolutely selective in smell. And this is good!

You may have had experience communicating with a partner when you met online, for example. You even began to develop some kind of relationship, such spiritual closeness: you communicate on Skype - just kindred spirits. And then the day comes when you meet in person. And despite the fact that you previously had some kind of unity and all that, you either “smell” it or you don’t.

The moment of live contact is important. Agree that there can be mutual understanding soul to soul, but when you meet... It seems that you are not stressed, and he is not tense, but something is not going well. It happens, right, girls? You lose interest in him and think: “Lord, we communicated so well! What is happening in reality? You may not fully realize that it is the smell, it may not be sharply unpleasant if the man maintains hygiene, but subconsciously, if the man does not genetically connect with you, then the smell is not suitable, and you will lose interest in him.

* * *

“I lived with a guy for 4 years, but I didn’t really like the smell. It was true that sometimes I got mad – I didn’t like the smell during sex.”

And in the end it all ended, right? You shouldn’t condemn yourself to this test, because if you don’t like the smell, girls, this is simply not your partner. Don't torture yourself or him. It's crazy to live with a person you don't like for 4 years! And what kind of sex can there be?! Children, of course, can be, and they can be healthy, genetic disorders are not necessary, but by and large, nature has made sure that we do not unite.

And then we meet a partner whose smell is attractive to us. Not perfume, but the smell of his body, his sweat. The smell of his dirty body will most likely also attract you, oddly enough.

What happens next? For us to have love, he, of course, must fall into some of our traumatic experiences, be somewhere similar to our parents, fit into our template and stencil of an ideal partner: qualities and criteria, suitable age, facial expressions, pantomime, features faces and, of course, smell. It all goes somewhere deep inside us. And this, girls, is a mutual process.

When such a hit occurs, the man and I are energetically locked into a state of falling in love. At this moment we have a hormonal revolution. Endorphins, adrenaline, and completely crazy oxytocin begin to be released. This is a hormone that increases our skin sensitivity, and we become very pleasant to touch. That is, when he touches you, and you are all in awe - it’s not because he is something special, there is a connection between you for centuries, and he really galloped to you on a white horse. This is a hormonally determined reaction. You become sensitive, and a connection occurs in your brain - a closure with his image: you see him - the secretion of hormones increases, hormones increase - a feeling of his uniqueness and specialness arises.

That's why I say that at the beginning of a relationship it is very easy to maintain passion, intensity and everything is just wonderful, wonderful. But if you do not have experience in long-term relationships, then you should know that the first decline in energy begins after about six months. In temperamental people, this hormonal revolution lasts up to one and a half years. For the calmer ones, everything happens earlier. Our relationships are going through changes, and that's normal.

This is the loan that nature gave you so that you can “sniff” with your partner, unite in an intimate marriage and conceive offspring. Nature has conditioned this to such an extent that you cannot live without each other, you are attracted to each other, you want each other, and this all increases the chances of procreation. So don’t flatter yourself that you’re a sex goddess, or flatter him that he’s unique and doing something incredible. It seems like that sometimes, right, girls? Don't think that you have any special influence on him, or he on you, or that this is a match made in heaven. This is a physiological, nature-conditioned process. You met, matched in vibrations, smells, concepts - you fell in love. You have started a relationship, a hormonal storm takes over, which inspires and forces you to meet, communicate, relate and reproduce. Ideally, pregnancy should occur within these one and a half years.

Love lives for two years

There is also an interesting cyclicality. Physiological love lasts for about two years, scientists say. During this time, you should have commonalities: property, children. But one and a half to two years is only one cycle of a relationship. You meet - love, storm. Then you have to conceive, reproduce, and when a child is born, there is a new surge of love, this time for the child. Both you and his father. At this surge, relationships are renewed, they come to life. Another year and a half or two years pass, you come to your senses, conceive again and give birth to a child, and so, if you follow nature, be fruitful and multiply all the time, renewing the relationship with the arrival of a new soul, a new life into your union.

This is how everything is ideally designed. But we have learned to control childbirth. You know, when pregnancy occurs and the child is aborted, family experts say that this is always very unfavorable for relationships, with very high probability they will either collapse or deteriorate greatly. The resource for renewal is expelled from the family, think about it.

Why all these details? So that you understand that if you live with a man for more than a year and a half, then everything no longer happens by itself. Before this, you don’t need to make an effort to make you want him, so that he wants you. Unless, of course, you blow his mind, if you are interested and pleasant together, there is respect and spiritual closeness. If you do not act out pathological patterns and your traumas in your relationships, then a year and a half is a period when you don’t need to do anything special, everything happens naturally.

It would be absolutely unreasonable to expect this to continue. The hormonal turmoil begins to subside and we come to true relationship, true sexuality, intimacy and true pulsation in relationships as you move closer and further away, closer and further away. So ideally.

Unfortunately, since things are too easy in our relationships now, I see many modern couples who say: “Oh, it’s not him. For some reason I don’t love him so much anymore, I don’t know... I met him and his legs were torn off, his head was blown off, and now something is going away. More than a year we are together, I think, did I give it to him? Is it really him? What is really happening?”

And energy saturation occurs. There is magnetism between a man and a woman. A woman is a “minus”, a man is a “plus”, and the greater the energetic distance between them, the stronger the attraction. As we interact, we exchange energy. If we also sleep in the same bed day after day, then greater interpenetration occurs and the potential difference goes away. In already established relationships, we begin to feel interest in our partner only after some kind of separation - for some for a week, for others for a month. We suddenly realize: “Oh! We are attracted again!” - and we call it “I miss you.” Remember this feeling?

What is this? But we haven’t seen each other, and a charge has appeared - negative for women, positive for men, and we again begin to be attracted to each other. Not with the same strength as it was, but still. Therefore, ancient traditions always recommended that husband and wife sleep in different rooms, so that exchange and satiety do not occur in sleep. So that people, even if they spend the day together, separate at night and do not balance each other until they lose interest.

I know several families in which the man and woman sleep separately. He makes his way to her at night, they have a lot of games around this: let in - don’t let in, seduce - don’t seduce, come - don’t come, and so on. It's interesting, it's a very live relationship. If you have such an opportunity, try it, conduct a social experiment - go to different bedrooms for a month and see: what comes of it? What will happen to your energy, your interest in each other and attraction? I think you will have an interesting and unexpected experience of rekindling your relationship.

Let's continue. What's going on with our relationship? The first quarrels happen when we step out of character. You know, at first you are the best version of yourself, he is the best version of himself and everything is so pink and rosy. There are people who say: “I adore the state of falling in love and I want to fall in love” - these are those who are not ready to deal with reality, they want that flight when there is no need to work on relationships, everything happens by itself, when it literally pushes and pins. But if at the beginning our man is just an ideal, then two or three months after we meet we begin to notice his shortcomings. He becomes “in principle not bad” for us, right? And if you trim him a little, change his clothes a little, comb his hair here, train him here, make friends here, make friends there, then in general it will be perfect option! Sound familiar?

When we notice shortcomings, relationship development begins, and this is where important point- either we will move into harmony, or the connection will fade away after the end of the hormonal surge, and we will turn into neighbors.

Neighbors in etiquette or Italian passions – two extremes.

Series: "Psychology of Women"

We fall in love, love, empathize and try to prolong our happiness next to our loved one. But along this path, many girls make mistakes that over time destroy seemingly stable relationships. Therefore, it is very important to understand that the real feminine art lies not in involving a man at the beginning of a relationship, but in involving him in yourself every day. Psychologist and trainer Natalya Pokatilova examines in this book common mistakes, gives recommendations and talks about how to maintain emotionality and sensuality, master the practice of maintaining and renewing relationships, learn to manage male attention, and correctly build emotional and sexual intimacy. The main thing is that here you will find effective practices and exercises, tips and recommendations in order to become the only and beloved one for your man.

Publisher: "AST" (2018)

ISBN: 978-5-17-109182-8

In My-shop

Author	Book	Description	Year	Price	Book type
Natalya Pokatilova		We fall in love, love, empathize and try to prolong our happiness next to our loved one. But it is extremely difficult at the beginning of a relationship to get used to the characteristics of a partner, and it is also difficult to maintain... - AST Publishing House, Born of a woman eBook	2016	199	eBook
		We fall in love, love, empathize and try to prolong our happiness next to our loved one. But along this path, many girls make mistakes that over time destroy what was stable at first... - AST,	2016	378	paper book
Pokatilova N.A.		We fall in love, love, empathize and try to prolong our happiness next to our loved one. But along this path, many girls make mistakes that over time destroy what was stable at first... - AST,	2017	255	paper book
Natalya Pokatilova		We fall in love, love, empathize and try to prolong our happiness next to our loved one. But along this path, many girls make mistakes that over time destroy what was stable at first... - (format: 84x108/32, 288 pp.) Best psychological practices	2017	215	paper book
Pokatilova Natalya Anatolevna		Psychology of women	2018	209	paper book
Pokatilova N.A.		We fall in love, love, empathize and try to prolong our happiness next to our loved one. But along this path, many girls make mistakes that over time destroy what was stable at first... - AST, (format: 84x108/32, 288 pp.) Psychology of women	2018	127	paper book
Natalya Pokatilova		We fall in love, love, empathize and try to prolong our happiness next to our loved one. But real feminine art lies not in involving a man at the beginning of a relationship, but in... - (format: 130x200 mm, 288 pages) Best psychological practices	2016	203	paper book
	The man of your dreams. Alpha male. Taoist secrets of the art of love Man and woman. The man of your dreams. Man VS Woman (set of 3 books) (number of volumes: 3)	The following books are included in the package. The man of your dreams. Laws of attraction. The pages of this book tell you how to find the man of your dreams and build happy, harmonious relationships with him... - All, -	2015	1016	paper book
Piterkina Lisa	Taoist secrets of female sexuality. Taoist secrets of the art of love. Alpha Male (number of volumes: 3)	Taoist secrets of female sexuality. Lisa Piterkina - writer, TV presenter, author of seminars on the art of building relationships between men and women, student of the Chinese Master of Tao... - All, -	2017	1003	paper book

* * *

by liters company.

From the first charm to the first crisis

We are all absolutely selective in smell. And this is good!

“I lived with a guy for 4 years, but I didn’t really like the smell. It was true that sometimes I got mad – I didn’t like the smell during sex.”

And then we meet a partner whose smell is attractive to us. Not perfume, but the smell of his body, his sweat. The smell of his dirty body will most likely also attract you, oddly enough.

Love lives for two years

This is how everything is ideally designed. But we have learned to control childbirth. You know, when a pregnancy occurs and the child is aborted, family experts say that this is always very unfavorable for the relationship, with a very high probability that it will either collapse or deteriorate greatly. The resource for renewal is expelled from the family, think about it.

Unfortunately, since things are too easy in our relationships now, I see many modern couples who say: “Oh, it’s not him. For some reason I don’t love him so much anymore, I don’t know... I met him and his legs were torn off, his head was blown off, and now something is going away. We've been together for more than a year, I think, did I give it to him? Is it really him? What is really happening?”

Let's continue. What's going on with our relationship? The first quarrels happen when we step out of character. You know, at first you are the best version of yourself, he is the best version of himself and everything is so pink and rosy. There are people who say: “I adore the state of falling in love and I want to fall in love” - these are those who are not ready to deal with reality, they want that flight when there is no need to work on relationships, everything happens by itself, when it literally pushes and pins. But if at the beginning our man is just an ideal, then two or three months after we meet we begin to notice his shortcomings. He becomes “in principle not bad” for us, right? And if you trim him a little, change his clothes a little, comb his hair here, train him here, unfriend him here, make friends there, then in general it will be an ideal option! Sound familiar?

When we notice shortcomings, the development of relationships begins, and here is a very important point - either we will move into harmony, or the connection will fade away after the end of the hormonal surge, and we will turn into neighbors.

Neighbors in etiquette or Italian passions – two extremes.

Neighbors in etiquette

My partner and I find ourselves in a situation where we feel hurt. More precisely, it seems to us that it is he who is causing us pain. Perhaps, not even on purpose, we just have mental wounds somewhere inside, and an accidental “sprinkling of salt” has an effect, we get offended and withdraw. If the process is left to chance, then gradually a vicious circle results: he caused us pain - we were offended, we moved away; he hurt us - we were offended, we moved away; he hurt us - we were offended, moved away, and so on. The same can happen with our partner. He is also a living person, and he also has painful experiences. As a result, there is a very large psychological distance between us.

We begin to rub against each other and suddenly discover: here he is in pain, and here I am tense, and there we are both sparking at each other. Conflicts arise. And we begin to avoid sharp corners, avoid emotional distress and enter into a state of etiquette. So yes? This is about the fact that “okay, this is where it hurts him, if I say that, it will be a scandal, I won’t interfere here, I won’t say that.” And the partner has the same attitude. We move into a state of polite coexistence, without stepping on sore spots and without affecting the person deeply. The passion ended, you moved away because you didn’t go into each other’s pain zone. As a result, we get bored, and we start looking around - where is life? I want to live.

This distance in a couple leads to the fact that people turn into neighbors in a communal apartment or partners in raising children. This is very sad because there is no hormonal support. Of course, the birth of a child, as I already said, can revive a relationship, but often couples in a state of estrangement do not want children and do everything to ensure that they no longer exist. And then, if you don’t work with the relationship specifically, it can be quite difficult to revive it and involve your partner back in a natural way. Why? Because you need to work through your internal painful experiences, your grievances and return to your partner, go to him, invite him to this meeting with you, you know?

True intimacy means that you are ready to deal with painful experiences, and you are ready with your love to help your partner heal this. You do not move away, do not lose contact, becoming boring to each other, but on the contrary, you penetrate deeper and deeper into yourself and each other.

I have taught this ability to live pain to the end and not close your heart, not move away, remaining in love and acceptance, to thousands of women at the special training “Born of a Woman”. For many years I have observed that this is possible for every, absolutely every woman! And I invite you to this work on yourself and on your loving heart, because its most important result is a close relationship filled with love, which in turn nourishes both you and your man.

We so often, out of habit inherited from our great-greats, turn our partner into a scoundrel, and then live in bed with the enemy and ruin our relationship. We put a spoke in our own wheels, because we want a long and serious relationship, don’t we, my dears? So let's learn to go into painful experiences, ours and our partner's, with love and support, on our own or in our trainings, and as a result, love awaits us. And that's all we need.

Italian passions

The other extreme, which kills relationships, is when we cling to each other. The state of falling in love is so sweet, especially at the beginning - you recognize him, he recognizes you, mutual penetration happens, you talk for hours, spend time together. You look at couples who have been together for many years - in a restaurant they sit and remain silent, each captivated by their gadget. They are having a “date”, a family outing, and it looks sad. You don't understand how this can be, because you have a crazy exchange of energy, and you say: “This will never happen to me.” Do we really think so, girls? And you grab onto it. This process of rapprochement is very tasty, but for codependent people there is one big problem - the process of separation.

For a relationship to exist, there needs to be a pulsation. Healthy, vibrant relationships are always pulsating. You are sometimes closer, sometimes even like this - merging with each other, then further away, like two independent units. Now closer, now further, now closer, now further. And it is right.

But people who are prone to codependency have an acute problem of control and trust, a fear that their partner will go somewhere, get lost, break, and therefore they are very reluctant to separate. When separated, they experience anxiety; they do not want to be left alone to digest everything, but want to remain in a protected state all the time. They can fall into symbiosis, but not separate. But it is impossible to be in this state all the time, because what is important here is not the result, but the process. You have merged into one, and that’s it - life will stop if you don’t separate. You dissolved in each other, crazy true intimacy happened, you exchanged energy, but then you must separate from each other in order to digest everything that you received from your partner in this energy exchange. Renew yourself, supplement, develop due to this in different aspects of life, integrate this and again become an individual, a separate person, so that it will be interesting to get closer again.

Both states are vital for us. When we pulsate in long relationship, this guarantees us interest in each other and movement. But, as I already said, people who are prone to emotional dependence and have difficulty with separation do not let each other go. What happens then?

They start quarreling. And quarrel out of nowhere. When the quarrel ends, looking back, they say: “Lord, everything could have been resolved without a scandal! Well, why are we quarreling so much? What kind of mechanism is this?

When you quarrel, you break up. You separate energetically and say: “Ugh! I can't be with him! The fight sends you to different corners of the ring. You box and you are no longer together, you are apart. You leave the house, slamming the door, and think: “Lord, that’s it! Then there’s only divorce!” - and you even plan this divorce in your head, especially after bright, strong quarrels. And it makes you feel good.

There is an opinion that after a quarrel there is wonderful sex. Why? You have separated. You are separate. You even got divorced in your head and became strangers. And you begin to be attracted to each other. African passions are boiling, very stormy quarrels that could have been avoided, then stormy reconciliations. And these are attempts to make the relationship breathable.

I have a client whose parents have lived this way for over 40 years. And she even tried to somehow save them, until we began to treat her for this. The parents have been in this relationship for 40 years. They quarrel to this day; for 40 years they have not agreed with each other on major issues. And that suits them. They each suffer from this in their own way, but at the same time they do not change anything, they do not get divorced and will not get divorced, of course, ever. This is their way of life. They have compensated for this, they can’t do it any other way, they don’t know how, they don’t know how, and they haven’t thought about the fact that they can do it differently. Unfortunately, children fall between two fires.

Yes, everyone at home gets involved in this. No one remains indifferent. Rarely do any of these couples quarrel quietly, behind closed doors. And despite the fact that the passion is present, these relationships are very exhausting. Any scandal, especially crazy and unconstructive, spoils relationships. It's like living in a helicopter. Flying around and seeing the surroundings can be interesting and impressive, but living in a helicopter is completely impossible.

“My mother had such passions with three husbands, and now she is alone. So maybe it’s better to be passionate about one?”

It’s better not to get passionate, but to “breathe.” And let it be either passion or cooling. Either movement towards each other, then movement into itself.

A pathological pattern that is exhausting in a relationship - you break up with your partner, thinking that you will now find another good one. You meet another good person, with whom at first everything is hormonal, pleasant, soul to soul. Then the hormones run out and the same thing happens again: you are either in symbiosis and you need to quarrel in order to separate, or you have already separated in advance and turned into neighbors.

Simultaneously with going to extremes (and sometimes separately from this), during a crisis, what women fear most of all happens - betrayal. But when I hear that only men cheat and they are all males, a logical question arises: who do they do it with? Together? No, with us, with women. Let's try to figure out why they (and we) prefer to start relationships on the side and whether we should be so afraid of it.

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The given introductory fragment of the book How to be the only one for your man (Natalia Pokatilova, 2016) provided by our book partner -

Genre:

Book description: When we fall in love, we don’t want the happy moments with our loved one to never end. However, the path to happiness can encounter numerous obstacles in the early and late stages of a relationship. Initially, it is difficult to get used to the characteristics of your chosen one, and then after several years of living together it is very difficult to introduce something new in order to living together was interesting. Almost every woman should know perfectly well how to manage male attention, how not to make a relationship boring, and what to talk about with the man she loves.

In the current times of active fight against piracy, most of the books in our library have only short fragments for review, including the book How to be the only one for your man. Thanks to this, you can understand whether you like this book and whether you should purchase it in the future. Thus, you support the work of the writer Natalya Pokatilova by legally purchasing the book if you liked its summary.