To the question What should I do if my friend moves away from me? given by the author Nastya D the best answer is Let your friend go for a while. You cannot control her or her behavior. And all attempts to do this will continue to irritate you.
Chat with someone else, read books, play sports. Surely there are many other people around you who are no less interesting. Shift your attention to something else.
It’s not necessarily that your friend is bad or she suddenly doesn’t need you anymore. Perhaps this is temporary.
Sometimes you need to move away to make a person feel like he needs you. When we are constantly chasing tails, we do not realize the value of relationships.

Answer from luxury[guru]
What kind of girlfriend is this?

Answer from Ekaterina Kiryushina[guru]
Alas, this is not nonsense. Your friend is acting dishonestly towards you. Real friends don't do that. Perhaps she has really matured and developed interests that are different from yours and she simply became uninterested in you. So she is looking for another more suitable company. I don't think you should go out with her anymore. Also try to make another friend and go out with her and look at the reaction of this girl. This way you will understand how much she values ​​your friendship.

Answer from squint[newbie]
My best friend and I also began to communicate less often. She's just tired of talking to you. Tastes change and so do interests. She knows everything about you and she wants to talk to other people.

Answer from European[active]
Briefly speaking. leave her the fuck out. The worst thing happened to me half a week ago. and I don’t regret leaving this pig. you no longer have a future in friendship. find yourself a real, good girlfriend with whom you will feel good and comfortable. and spit on this rubbish. like this.

Answer from Abib[guru]
Look for someone else who is happy to see you... Why do you need someone who ignores you.

Answer from Alena Kedrova[newbie]
oooh, in this situation, leave her because her behavior is not acceptable. real girlfriends don't do that. Not only is this not tactful, it is also disrespectful to you. I understand that it will be painful for you to part with her, but there is nothing else left. and rightly so, there are probably people around you who seek and deserve your attention and friendship, who will be truly interested in you. look around and forget about this “friend”.

Answer from Ma vcmr[newbie]
You keep writing here saying: “leave her, why do you need someone like that,” and what to do if you can’t just pick it up and let it go. They are not strangers. Close person, whatever it is, in any case, part of your life. It's like cutting off your own hand, for example. And what? Will it be easy for you without a hand? Isn’t it better to restore everything - and your hand is intact and you can write with it smoothly?

Answer from Vitalina Andreyanenkova[newbie]
I have the same thing 🙁

Answer from ANGELINA POLEVODINA[newbie]
I ALSO HAD A FRIEND, WE WERE FRIENDS, AND EVERYTHING WAS GOOD. I PAID A LOT OF ATTENTION TO HER. SHE IS EIGHT YEARS OLDER ME, SO IT DOESN'T MATTER OF COURSE. BEFORE, THEY COULD NOT LIVE WITHOUT EACH OTHER. AND LATELY SHE STARTED BEHAVING STRANGELY, FIRST FORBIDDING ME TO WRITE SMS TO HER. THEN YOU CAN'T CALL FREQUENTLY, NOW YOU CAN'T COME TO VISIT. I SAY I'M AFRAID OF GOSSIP FROM PEOPLE. I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT GOSSIP AND WHAT IS ALL THIS FOR?! SOME STRANGE BEHAVIOR TO MY ADDRESS COULD EASILY SEND SORRY TO F... I'M SO BURNED, I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY IT'S SO CRUEL, IT FEELING LIKE SPITTING INTO YOUR SOUL. IT SEEMED THAT THEY DID NOT QUARTER, AND SO SHARPLY, I CAN’T FIND OUT THE REASON FOR HER BEHAVIOR.

“We're losing her! Do something,” doctors scream in despair in Hollywood films when the patient’s cardiogram on the screen straightens into an endless line. Sometimes you are also ready to scream, mentally or out loud, when your best friend moves away from you. You have been together for so many years, like Beavis and Butthead, like Ron and Harry, devoting each other to secrets about the first kiss, the first “I want” and the first “I can’t”.

Maybe your best friend even became your witness at the wedding, and, brushing away a tear that had come, rejoiced at your happiness, and then caught the bouquet herself (after all, you were aiming at her!).
And suddenly the idyll collapsed. You suddenly suddenly quarreled over the most insignificant issue. Or you just felt that there was an abyss between you, from which the cold of misunderstanding was blowing.

Why do we lose our girlfriends? There are many reasons for this.

Envy

Maybe she was jealous of your success in school or at work. Or the fact that your parents got you a job in a reputable company with a boss they know, and she has to sit on a salary that only allows her to exist, but not to live. Maybe she was jealous of your gorgeous figure and success among men. Or the fact that you dress tastefully in fashionable boutiques, but she shops exclusively at second-hand stores. Although, most likely, she is so angry because, despite catching the bouquet on her wedding day, she still hasn’t gotten married. They say it right - make friends with equals. This is especially true for equality in material terms and in terms of appearance. It's hard to avoid feelings of envy when your friend doesn't understand why you don't buy clothes at Prada or go to a beauty salon for body shaping. There are two options: either don’t poison your friend’s soul, or break up with her. Because feelings of envy tend to overwhelm thoughts and break out in the form of rumors and gossip.

Resentment

Why did you tell her that the watercolor sketch she painted during her holidays in the village is similar to the first drawing of a child who was given paints? Do you think this is funny? But you know how seriously she takes her hobby. You helped her choose paints, brushes and even an easel. Apologize urgently! And never laugh at what your friend considers important, be it her passion for Tolkien, her dream of winning the Cleo competition, or her desire to learn how to fly an airplane. Accept her for who she is - and she will be grateful to you.

Parted ways

It's very simple. You went to school together, sat at the same desk, giggled, cheated, skipped classes. We went to the buffet together. They dressed like twin sisters. The physical education teacher (labor or music) couldn’t tell you apart at all, due to the same bangs up to your nose and backpacks made from old jeans with peace badges. Of course, you only dreamed of boys, but you also had to think about the future. You entered one university, your friend entered another. You swore eternal fidelity to each other, agreed to call each other every day and meet on weekends, but...

She has five new classmates, and you have your first boyfriend. She began to hang out at fashionable discos, and you became addicted to walking along dark alleys, learning the science of love. When, a year later, you broke up with your boyfriend, and she was bored with her new friends, you finally met. And it turned out that you have nothing to talk about. More precisely, there is something to talk about, but everything is no longer so intimate and not so incredibly interesting. You just became friends.

You can share the salad recipe over the phone and meet in a cafe once a quarter. But calling each other at one in the morning because “he doesn’t love me!” or “I just wanted to chat with you!” - no, no, excuse me. Grown-up people don't do such nonsense. And you miss true friendship, which remained in the past, in youth. The question is, is she bored?

Jealousy

You don't have to be jealous of a man. You can easily become jealous of another friend. For example, there were two of you, and then SHE appeared. Now there are three of you, and your friend, who still considers herself first and closest, is worried that her attention and free time Now you share not only with her. Here we need to talk and find out everything. Tell her that she is the best and nothing will ruin your friendship. And she needs to be cunningly made friends with her third friend. For example, agree to meet the three of us, and then suddenly “get sick.” Let them chat, and you'll see, and they'll forget about you.

She was never a friend

And you were so happy! You have so much in common: similar views on careers, children and men. She tells you about her unhappy love, you reassure her, advise her not to lose heart and remember a similar story from your life. And then she leaves the black stripe and disappears somewhere. You are trying to find her to tell her about YOUR unhappy love, or, conversely, about your successes and joys, but your friend slips away. She has no time, she is in a hurry, she forgot to call back. And after some time, she comes to you again in dark thoughts or just out of boredom, and waits for support. Don't you think she's just using you as a vest? And don’t you feel like a squeezed lemon after a soul-saving conversation with her? IN best case scenario she is simply not a friend, at worst she is an “energy vampire.” I strongly advise against communicating with a “vampire”. And it’s worth having a heart-to-heart talk with the first one; perhaps she just never thought about your friendship with her and that you also want to be heard and understood.

They didn't share the man

Sometimes it happens. Especially in TV series and show business. In real life - much less often. I trust my friends one hundred percent, but my wise grandmother continues to insist: “Hide your husband away from your friends, otherwise you know what happens! I stole Vasya, your grandfather, from under my sister’s nose. We still don’t know each other.” My grandmother is silent about the circumstances of the “removal,” otherwise I would have told you, honestly.

You love

This is the most real love. This happens once in a lifetime. First, you tell your friend about everything—the first date, the first confession. But then this quagmire, that is, not a quagmire, of course, but a love whirlpool, sucks you in and... First you meet, then you start living together, then you prepare for the wedding, after which you settle into an apartment, and, finally, you wait for the addition to the family... And when, after everything that has happened, you accidentally meet your friend on the street, you are sincerely surprised that instead of a boy’s haircut, she has hair down to her butt, like a fairy’s. And a reproachful look. In this case, you yourself are lost as a friend. Find yourself urgently!

Friends are incredibly important, sometimes they are simply vital. Even the most loving husband will not replace your girlfriend. You won’t tell him about himself. But you’ll tell your friend, and you’ll put everything and everyone into pieces and shelves. And you will listen to her revelations. And together you will laugh and cry. And then you’ll drink a glass of Martini, indulge in a cigarette and shoot your eyes at interesting men at the next table, just for fun, so as not to lose shape.

Hello. I need help. I'm tired and don't know what to do next...
The story is long, long, but I will try to present it as briefly as possible.
In general, I have best friend. Or already was. I'm confused, to be honest.
We've been friends for almost a year. We are both 15 years old. We used to communicate with him constantly. We corresponded a lot every day, called each other, went for walks several times a month, fooled around, went to the cinema, told each other stories from our lives, knew all the secrets about each other, and if one of us had problems, then together found ways to solve them, i.e. were close friends (he himself said more than once that he loved and appreciated me very much). People around us even mistook us for a couple. But as soon as he left for the camp (it was somewhere in the middle of August), it was as if he had been replaced. The correspondence became less frequent, shorter and drier, and the calls stopped altogether. We discussed this with him. He said he had a “wave of indifference” and things would get better. There he found new friends and became attached to one girl, but only as a friend.
In September, he moved to study in another city (about 400 kilometers from mine). Now I have the opportunity to see him only a few times a year, when he comes home to his parents. He went there to study not alone, but with friends, and the best ones at that. Let's call them M and N. But M and N were assigned to one class, and it separately to another. M and N became very close and stopped communicating with my friend; they abandoned him. But for some reason, communication with me began to fade away, although I tried in every possible way to support him, help him, everything was as usual. The offer to call and talk on the phone just like that is constantly followed by excuses like “I can’t today”, “I’m going to dinner”, etc. At the same time, I know that he communicates well with his other friends and corresponds with them regularly.
I discussed with him more than once the issue about what was happening. I said that I don’t like playing with one goal and I would like him to also take the initiative. He answered that he had failed with his studies. Then why does he have time for other friends, but not for me, as his best friend?..
I asked him if he wanted to continue communicating with me. He said he wanted to. I also asked if he had found a replacement for me, he replied that he was not even going to do this. He is a straightforward and honest person; if something is wrong, he will say it head-on, with his face in the salad.
I understand that it is very difficult for him. Problems with school, loss of two(!) best friends, moving to new town, the new team are making themselves felt. The last time we corresponded was almost a week ago. But for the life of me I won’t believe that he doesn’t have at least a couple of free minutes to write to me or talk to me on the phone. He doesn't work all the time; There are still some short breaks.
The last time we corresponded was about a week ago, and the last full correspondence was about a month and a half ago. I really don't like to impose. If a person begins to move away from me, then I don’t hold him, let him go his own way. I have no desire to call or write to him if he doesn’t want to. I'm sick of.
I have the feeling that only I value my friendship with him, and it provides absolutely no value to him. And any friendship presupposes reciprocity. Don't get me wrong, but I used to enjoy spending time with him. Now, remembering him, I feel forgotten and abandoned. I don’t see any desire on his part to maintain the relationship at the previous level. We become strangers. Everything is heading into the abyss.
It will be my birthday very soon, and I’m not sure that he will congratulate me.
My heart is so heavy. Such warm memories... I am haunted by an irresistible desire to destroy and burn everything to hell so that nothing else reminds me of him...
I shared my experiences only with my mother and two best friends. Nobody else knows about it.
When I am surrounded, I have fun, smile, do everything to somehow distract myself. When I'm alone, I start crying, everything inside me shrinks.
Why do you think this happened? Why did my best friend start to move away from me? Please advise me how to act wisely in this situation.

→ Leave any questions that concern you in “Feedback” – the drop-down menu at the top. I will publish anonymously.

Question:

Why is it that if you start to get attached to a person, to love him, he somehow doesn’t react the same way, answers, moves away, doesn’t write, and when you start to ignore, not write, are too busy, then they start to love you, miss you, get attached, treat you with condescension. Why is that? And how to get a person to love me. Thank you

Dear S.! You correctly noted that this happens quite often. Attention evokes, instead of a response, “stupid defense,” and silence and inattention evoke questions, interest, “where did you go,” “what are you doing.”

Why does a person move away if attention is given to him?

If you write, call, are bored, and the answer is silence, and a person appears only in response to your silence, there are several options:

1. You are an “alternate airfield”. There is a more preferred person, but you are not temporarily (!) abandoned.
   Take this as a message: you are not that good :)

   Conclusion: now the one you like, to whom you become attached, does not count on anything serious with you (otherwise he would value him and answer). But “pinging”, checking whether you have not left the horizon yet, checks.

2. The person you like is, unfortunately, not in the mood for serious relationship, but sees something interesting in you.

   Conclusion: You can have a good time, but nothing more. Suits you? Then go ahead!

3. You are too “sticky” in a relationship, it’s scary to be around you (but it’s also somehow scary to refuse you). The same “good guy” / “good girl” who are usually guaranteed to wait for their partners. There’s no “spice”, you’re not catchy – but overall he’s a good person, so what’s wrong a good man part, let him “hang around”!

   Conclusion: don’t settle for “leniency”, you deserve more!

What to do if they move away when you give attention?

Unhook, in short.

Silence, ignoring - they “send” you. Not directly, but indirectly, but still. The need is clear:

“Leave me alone, I have no time for you.”

Learn to expect reciprocity.

From the question above you can see how one person already feels “attached” and writes “I love you.”

If this “I love” appears “in one direction” - then this “I love” is not addressed to a living person (who is not in love yet, but is just looking closely and/or having a good time). It is addressed to projections, fantasies about this person.

Adults differ from children in that they can imagine themselves in the place of another (if only those same mirror neurons in their brains work).

And imagine, for example, like this:

yeah, if I behaved this way and that way – would that mean that I’m in love?

Or they even ask: I love you, but how do you feel? What do you have for me? Is it mutual?

As a result, you won’t have to sit around, hung with fantasies, and develop relationships with them :)

Remember postulate #1.

True love is mutual.

That is: I love you, who loves me, who loves you...

Like a mirror corridor.

And this is a very pleasant feeling.

Everything else – “I love, but she is silent and ignores” – is the wrong love.

“These are the wrong bees, they make the wrong honey” (c) Winnie the Pooh.

How can I get a person to love me?

The correct answer is NO.

Either it will work out or it won't.

The only thing that can be done in this case is

Anastasia, in your description of the situation, I see several “layers”, several possible reasons what's happening:

1. People change. And these changes occur especially intensively at a young age. The concept of friendship is also changing: if in childhood it was just playing together, no quarrels, being close friends, having a common class, etc., then over time, common interests, a feeling of understanding, closeness, come to the fore. personal qualities. Perhaps your friend really no longer sees you as understanding ( "she starts to get offended and scream"), interesting for yourself ( "she goes out with his friends, while I sit at home and wait for her call") person. I understand that I am now writing very unpleasant, painful things for you. But if this is really so, then it can only be accepted. After all, friendship (unlike love) can only exist when two people consider themselves friends (this does not happen "unrequited friendship").

2. Your friend is now very passionate about her boyfriend, her relationship with him, new sensations and experiences. During this period, naturally everything that came before fades into the background and seems less significant. Moreover, she may have a feeling like: “It’s okay that I hardly see my friend now - we’ve been friends with her for a long time, she will understand me, she won’t go anywhere. But if I see my boyfriend less often, friend, he will think that I don’t love him and will leave me.” If this is the case (and you don’t want to lose your friend), then when you call her, don’t start the conversation with reproaches that she forgot you, but ask how she’s doing, how her relationship with her boyfriend is, what’s new, etc. This will allow Your friend will feel that you understand her, respect her feelings and desire to be with her loved one. This means that this will preserve your friendship. And when your friend’s relationship with her boyfriend becomes stable and stable. she will again have a desire to communicate and see you.

3. You're just jealous. You have lost first place on the "pedestal" of her life important people and that’s why you’re very worried. In fact, we are surrounded by various close people who do not compete for a place in our heart, but only add and enrich each other. It's like a woman's love for a man and her child - it's different love, different values ​​that only strengthen each other. It's like loving different children - not a single mother will say that her second child was born, and she began to love the first less. It's like love for parents and a man: if a girl falls in love with a man. this does not mean that she stops loving her parents (although this is exactly what they often think))).

Perhaps there are other reasons. Think about it. Spend time and energy thinking about what exactly you are feeling and what the sources of those feelings are. This is doubly useful: firstly, perhaps you will understand something better about yourself, and secondly, you will have less time to be offended and indignant at your friend.

Sincerely, family psychotherapist Rumiya Kalinina