Loss loved one can fill our lives with sadness, melancholy and depression. Each of us, sooner or later, is forced to experience loss, and this is accompanied by unbearable pain. It is not always about the death of a loved one. also a kind of loss.

Loss loved one and its 5 stages

Loss of a loved one, this difficult and painful event can force us to go through several stages.

1. Denial

At this moment we are unable to believe in the reality of what is happening. It seems to us that this nightmare will sooner or later end with a happy awakening. We want to wake up and realize that nothing terrible happened.

Thus, the main thing at the first stage of loss is denial of what happened and a feeling of the unreality of what is happening.

2. Search for the “culprit”

The second stage of loss makes us feel guilty. Either we are looking for circumstances or people to whom we can shift responsibility for what happened.

If a person fails to overcome this stage, he may live with this heavy burden for years. This is about hatred, remorse, guilt. This can greatly undermine his health. Overcoming this stage allows you to heal and leave the pain in the past.

3. Depression

This stage is accompanied by strong and vivid emotions. It is at this moment that we realize the full significance of the loss we have experienced.

Tears, loneliness, insomnia, eating disorders - all these are pronounced signs of depression.

4. Anger

After this, there comes a moment when we realize that we cannot fix anything. We are filled with a feeling of complete powerlessness. We realize that we are not in our control. We understand that it is impossible to return a lost relationship.

This makes us angry, mixed with despair. It happens that we throw out these emotions on other people. And they, unfortunately, suffer without having anything to do with our grief.

5. Acceptance

Finally it's time to start last stage loss - acceptance of what happened.

The sooner we achieve this, the better for our health and well-being. At this moment we accept reality and realize our loss, adapting to new circumstances. Our old emotional wounds are healing.

This process takes longer for some people than others.

How to overcome loss: key points

As a rule, the most painful loss for a person is the death of loved ones and separation from loved ones. By loss we mean the loss of someone we love dearly and who is very important to us.

Starting life again does not mean that this person has ceased to be important and loved to us. This is our duty. Life goes on. Therefore, we need to find the strength within ourselves to rise from our knees.. Not so much for the sake of others, but for the sake of ourselves.

Otherwise, the loss of a loved one can turn into a dangerous pathology, from which it will become even more difficult to get rid of.

Intense grief, apathy and passivity, suicidal thoughts and excessive emotions- all this requires the attention of a psychotherapy specialist.

If you have experienced the loss of a loved one, consider the following recommendations.

1. Cry as much as you need to.

Yes, even in childhood, many of us were convinced that tears are for weaklings. However, crying actually helps cope with intense sadness., as it promotes emotional release, bringing relief. It can be argued that tears are beneficial for our physical, spiritual and emotional health.

This does not mean that crying should be endless. But one cannot argue with the fact that tears allow us to cleanse our soul “from the inside.” It is very important to allow yourself to feel the pain that is tormenting you. Don't be ashamed of those moments when your eyes fill with tears. Remember that crying can help you.

2. You need time and space.

The pain of losing a loved one can accompany us for several days, weeks, months and even years. This depends on a number of different factors. In particular, from individual characteristics our personality. This is also influenced by the nature of the relationship with the person who is no longer there. Finally, what matters is how we respond to problems that arise and what we do to overcome them.

It is worth remembering that under no circumstances should you be too demanding of yourself. Your goal is to fully overcome the loss, not to do it quickly. Don't put pressure on yourself, because you are not participating in a marathon and are not going to set records.

3. Seek support

If you have had to go through a breakup with your partner, try to find a friendly shoulder that will allow you to cry and unwind. Reach out to your friend, brother, or parents.

The most important thing is to find someone who can listen to you and give you good advice. A person who will always be there for you when you want to cry.

You can sign up for a psychotherapy session or join a support group. Maybe, you will be surprised by the number of people who are in the same situation. Sometimes it is easier for us to talk about our emotions with complete strangers than with loved ones whom we see every day or have known for too long.

4. Express your emotions

As we said above, Bereaved people need support. They need a person or people who make them feel loved and secure.

But there is another one important point, which should not be forgotten. It is that in such a situation it is very important to talk about what is happening to you. At the same time, it is not at all necessary that someone listen to you: you can simply speak out in front of the mirror or describe your emotions in a diary.

Popular wisdom says that shared grief is half the trouble. By expressing our emotions, we get rid of the heavy burden of loss. As a result, it becomes easier for us to think about the future and plan our next steps..

There is no need to remain silent, and this can do a disservice.

5. Take care of yourself

Unfortunately, quite often people whose lives have been complicated by the loss of a loved one lose interest in their usual activities. This also affects taking care of your health. However, every person needs water, healthy food and cleanliness.

If you do not pay attention to this, your mental peace will never recover from the grief you experienced. First, you need to take care of your physical health- about your body.

Take a shower, comb your hair, change clothes, apply light makeup. Get out of the house, breathe fresh air, eat healthy food, prepare your own soups and herbal infusions. All this will allow you to survive the loss with fewer losses.

Finally, we encourage you to do everything you can to move on with your life. Even if it is very difficult for you now and it seems that life has lost its meaning, and there is emptiness inside you, live. Gradually, you will begin to notice how old wounds begin to heal.

In the life of every person, sooner or later this day comes - the day of death of a loved one. This loss is so strong that it leaves indelible scars on the soul. Our memory constantly returns to that day and brings even more suffering and pain. Tears flow both inside and outside, life loses all meaning, the desire to do anything disappears.

The greater the degree of closeness of the deceased and his influence on the life of the grieving person, the more difficult it is to come to terms with the loss. Dramatic changes are coming in the usual way of life, and every thing will serve as a reminder. Sometimes it is not possible to cope with your feelings alone. In this case, help can be provided by relatives or a qualified psychologist or psychotherapist.

What determines the severity of feelings?

All people react differently to the loss of loved ones. The nature of the relationship with the deceased plays a large role in this. Normal grief experience occurs among those people who have been in good relations with the deceased. The reaction to stress can be acute and painful, but after some time the person comes to terms with the loss and begins to live life to the fullest. But if the relationship was bad, accompanied by quarrels, resentments, understatements and misunderstandings, then the experience can be much more intense. It is growing every day, slowly but surely.

The mourner begins to twist their relationship more and more often in his thoughts, trying to understand where he was wrong and why they were never able to make peace. Over time, a persistent feeling of guilt and remorse for what was never said and done may develop.

The age hierarchy also affects the severity of experiences. The younger the person who has passed away, the stronger the feeling of grief and sorrow. We prepare for the death of our grandparents and parents from childhood. This means that over the years we are beginning to understand more and more clearly that they will most likely leave before us. This is life, and we come to terms with it more easily.

When death overtakes one of the spouses, the bitterness of loss is experienced more acutely. Firstly, they were close in soul and body, they lived for many years side by side. Secondly, they could not predict who would die earlier, because the age difference is insignificant. The biggest grief was and remains the loss of children. In this case, the unspoken law of nature is violated, which says that those who were born first should leave first. It is very difficult to come to terms with the fact that a child who should have lived and lived has died.

The nature of death plays an equally important role in the experience of loss, that is, it was sudden or expected. For a calmer, more adequate acceptance of loss, emotional preparedness is important. It is formed due to the realization that the person will soon be gone. This happens, for example, when a serious illness or extreme old age strikes. Surely, each of us has words in stock that we are unable to pronounce at the moment. They are usually put off for later. If you don’t have time to pronounce them, then they will remain hanging on your soul as a heavy burden of understatement. This happens when loved ones leave suddenly. The effect of surprise with fear and fright is also superimposed.

The severity of the experience may be affected by the cause of death. The more unpredictable it is, the more terrible and painful it is. Previous experience of loss plays a certain role in the experience. Time after time, a person learns to better cope with his grief, he is familiar with this feeling and knows how to behave better.

Normal and pathological forms of grief

Experiencing feelings of grief, depression, melancholy, sadness is as normal as feeling joy and happiness. The main thing is that depressing emotions do not last too long, otherwise they will begin to destroy the human psyche.

Normally, the experience of losing a loved one lasts approximately one year, which can be figuratively divided into several periods. The first period is the news of death. Lasts from a few minutes to several days. At this time, a person may be in a state of numbness and shock. The mind does not want to believe in the death of a loved one. The second period can be called the search phase. Duration up to 3 – 4 weeks.

A person tries to find the departed person in his memories, as before he waits for his arrival, news, a call, and looks for similar faces in the crowd. The third period is associated with the greatest suffering and lasts up to 7 weeks. At this time, a person comes to the realization that everything is irrevocable. And finally, the fourth period is mourning and a gradual return to normal life. Lasts up to a year.

It is believed that during this time a person goes through the entire life cycle alone, without the deceased, and learns to cope without him. After this, the deceased takes a special place in the soul, and thoughts about him cease to be as sorrowful and sad as before.

But sometimes the grieving process is disrupted and can only intensify over time. This can be indicated by experiences that have lasted for many years, mental disorders, imbalance and incontinence towards others. A person can lose a lot of weight or, conversely, gain weight sharply.

In severe cases, persistent cravings for alcohol and thoughts of suicide may appear. In this situation, a person needs help, even if he thinks otherwise. Support from loved ones and family is important.

A person requires increased attention during the period of experiencing loss. He needs to speak out, hear advice and words of support. Now, only sometimes the first period drags on, the person remains in a state of shock for a long time and cannot fully understand and believe what happened. Therefore on frank conversations He doesn’t always go, he withdraws, withdraws from everyone. You should approach him very delicately; you should not immediately try to get into his soul. The main thing is to be close to him more.

If there personal experience loss, then you can tell the person about it, how you dealt with something similar, how you felt. This will help him understand that he is not the only one experiencing such strong emotions. A psychologist can also cope with the problem; the specialist knows well from which side to approach the person, with what words to start the conversation. It will help you find the strength to return to a full life.

You need to be strong and remember that there will always be someone nearby for whom life is still worth living, with whom you want to rejoice, share impressions and feelings.

“I have a lot to do today: I need to completely kill my memory, I need my soul to petrify, I need to learn to live again.”- Anna Akhmatova.

The hardest thing any of us can experience is the loss of a loved one.

The grief that befell a person is incomparable to anything. Most often it comes suddenly, when it is not expected. When a person loses the person closest to him, the ground seems to disappear from under his feet.

Life loses its meaning. And from this moment on, life is divided into Before and After.

I wrote this article because I experienced it myself. While studying to become a family psychologist, I chose the diploma topic that was most difficult for me. After writing my thesis, I worked through my grief: my mother died ten years ago and only now, after so many years, I was able to let her go and continue to live. Of course, psychologists from the Center where I studied helped me. And now I myself help people overcome the grief of losing loved ones.

I hope that this article can help you in some way.

“We mourn the one we lost, but we should rejoice at what we had at all.”— C. J. Wells. "Death is a neutral event that we are accustomed to coloring with fear"— I. Yalom.

Death is an integral part of that common family in which a person lives. Death is a biological event that ends life. This life event has a strong emotional impact on a person’s thinking and causes the greatest emotional reactivity in the behavior of people around him.

Loss syndrome(sometimes called “acute grief”) are strong emotions experienced as a result of the loss of a loved one. “The loss may be temporary (separation) or permanent (death), real or imagined, physical or psychological.”(Izard, 1999).

The strong emotions experienced by a person when he loses a loved one as a result of his death are called grief.

Grief is also a process by which a person works through the pain of loss, regaining a sense of balance and fullness of life. Although the predominant emotion of loss is sadness, the emotions of fear, anger, guilt and shame are also present.

Grief is a necessary process and cannot be considered a sign of weakness, since it is the way in which a person recovers from a tangible loss.

There are three risk level in situations of experiencing grief (Olifirovich N.I. “Psychology of family crises”):

1. Minimal risk. Family members openly express their feelings, provide support to each other and receive support from extended family, friends, and neighbors. The ability to identify problems and seek ways to resolve them is retained.
2. Medium risk. The grief reaction occurs with complications: individual family members may experience depressive reactions; family does not accept support. These reactions can be complicated if there are numerous previous losses or unresolved conflicts with the deceased.
3. High risk. Family members may develop eccentric (rude, cruel) behavior; severe depression; attempts and threats of suicide; drug or alcohol abuse; severe insomnia. This category also includes situations of complete absence of grief in the family.

In case of medium and high risk, the family needs the help of specialists: family psychologists, psychiatrist, psychotherapist, social worker.

Death disrupts the functional balance of the family. The intensity of the emotional reaction is determined by the functional level of emotional integration of the family at the moment or the functional importance of the member who died. The amount of time a family needs to restore emotional balance depends on the emotional integration in the family and the intensity of the disturbance.

Most often, after the death of a significant family member, a “Wave of Emotional Shock” occurs - a network of hidden shocks (a series of important life events) that can occur in any part of the extended family system over a period of months or even years. “Death is not always experienced equally hard by the family; it happens that death brings relief to the family, and it is followed by a more prosperous period.”(M. Bowen).

While the work remains unfinished, tension remains in us and we are not available for anything else.

Stages of mourning, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross “On Death and Dying”, who worked all her life with dying people and their loved ones, identified 7 stages of mourning:

1. Shock, sudden loss of strength.
2. Refusal, Denial, rejection of reality “It can’t be, this isn’t happening to me.”
3. Anger, protest, indignation “This is unfair, why did this happen to me/him/her?!”
4. Bargaining, an attempt to make a deal with fate.
5. Fear, Depression Loss of interest in life.
6. Acceptance of humility. A person who has had enough time for inner work and who has received the necessary help reaches the stage of acceptance. Clarity and newfound peace.
7. Hope is present throughout all stages.

The purpose of "grief work" (Lindemann Erich, 1984) is to been through him, become independent from loss, adapt to a changed life and find new relationships with people and the world.

Exists several forms complicated loss syndrome (Mokhovikov, 2001):

1. Chronic grief. In this most common form, the experience of loss is permanent, and integration of loss does not occur. Among the signs, longing for a person with whom there was a close emotional connection predominates. Even after many years, the slightest reminder of the loss causes intense feelings.
2. Conflicted (exaggerated) grief. One or more signs of loss are distorted or excessive First of all, feelings of guilt and anger intensify, forming a vicious circle of contrasting experiences that interferes with coping with grief and delays the passage of the acute period. A way out can be achieved through euphoric states, turning into long-term depression with ideas of self-blame.
3. Suppressed (masked) grief. Signs of grief are minor or completely absent. Instead, somatic complaints appear, signs of illness noted in the deceased, followed by the development of long-term hypochondria. For example, conditions of “cluster headache” are described, which can last for several months and consist of many individual attacks. There is no awareness of their connection with loss.
4. Unexpected grief. The suddenness makes it almost impossible to accept and integrate the loss. Their development is delayed and intense feelings of anxiety, self-blame and depression predominate, complicating daily life. The occurrence of thoughts of suicide and its planning is very typical.
5. Abandoned grief. His experience is delayed for a long time. Immediately after the loss, emotional manifestations arise, but then the “work of grief” ceases. Subsequently, a new loss or a reminder of the previous one triggers the experience mechanism. When visiting a doctor, a person repeatedly talks about loss. At home, he does not want to change anything, part with expensive things, or, on the contrary, strives to completely change his life (change the environment, apartment, sometimes city).
6. Absent grief. With this form, there are no external manifestations, as if there was no loss at all. The person completely denies it or remains in a state of shock.

Recently, the view of dealing with loss syndrome, proposed by J. Worden. Worden's concept, although not the only one, now remains the most popular among people working with loss (Sidorova, 2001).

It is very convenient for diagnosing and working with current grief, as well as if you have to deal with feelings of loss that were not experienced many years ago and were revealed during therapy that was started for a completely different reason.

A variant of describing the reaction of loss not by stages or phases, but through four tasks, which must be carried out during the normal course of the process. These tasks are essentially similar to those that a child solves as he grows up and separates from his mother.

The first task is recognition of the fact of loss. When someone dies, even in an expected death, it is normal to feel as if nothing happened. Therefore, first of all, you need to acknowledge the fact of loss, realize that your loved one has died, he has left and will never return. This "seeking" behavior is aimed at re-establishing communication. Normally, this behavior should be replaced by behavior aimed at refusing contact with the deceased. Often the opposite behavior occurs - denial of what happened. If a person does not overcome denial, then the “work of grief” is blocked at the earliest stages. Denial can be used at different levels and take different shapes, but usually includes either denial of the fact of loss, or its significance, or irreversibility.

Denial of the fact of loss can range from a mild disorder to severe psychotic forms, where the person spends several days in the apartment with the deceased before noticing that he has died.

A more common and less pathological form of denial was called “mummification.” In such cases, a person keeps everything as it was with the deceased, in order to be always ready for his return. An even easier form of denial is when a person “sees” the deceased in someone else - for example, a widowed woman sees her husband in her grandson.

Another way people avoid the reality of loss is denial of significance loss. In this case they say something like: "We weren't close", "He was a bad father" or "I don't miss him." Sometimes people hastily remove all the personal belongings of the deceased; everything that can remind him of him is behavior that is the opposite of mummification. In this way, bereaved people protect themselves from having to face the reality of the loss. Those who exhibit these behaviors are at risk for developing pathological bereavement reactions.

Another manifestation of denial is "selective forgetting". In this case, a person forgets something concerning the deceased.

The third way to avoid awareness of loss is denial of irreversibility of loss. A variant of this behavior is a passion for spiritualism. An irrational hope of being reunited with the deceased is normal in the first weeks after a loss, when behavior is aimed at restoring the connection, but if this hope becomes persistent, it is not normal.

The second task of grief is to experience the pain of loss. This means that you need to experience all the difficult feelings that accompany loss.

If the griever cannot feel and experience the pain of loss, which is always there, it must be identified and worked through with the help of a therapist, otherwise the pain will manifest itself in other forms, for example through psychosomatics or behavioral disorders.

Pain reactions vary from person to person, and not everyone experiences the same amount of pain. The grieving person often loses contact not only with external reality, but also with internal experiences. The pain of loss is not always felt, sometimes the loss is experienced as apathy, lack of feelings, but it must definitely be worked through.

This task is made more difficult by those around you. Often people nearby experience discomfort from severe pain and feelings of the grieving person, they do not know what to do about it, and consciously or unconsciously tell him: "You shouldn't grieve". This unspoken wish from others often interacts with the bereaved person's own psychological defenses, leading to denial of the necessity or inevitability of the grief process. Sometimes this is even expressed in the following words: "I shouldn't cry for him" or: "I shouldn't grieve", "Now is not the time to grieve". Then the manifestations of grief are blocked, there is no reaction and the emotions do not come to their logical conclusion.

Avoiding the second task achieved different ways. It could be denial of the presence of pain or other painful feelings. In other cases it may be avoiding painful thoughts. For example, only positive, “pleasant” thoughts about the deceased can be allowed, up to complete idealization. It is possible to avoid all memories of the deceased. Some people start using alcohol or drugs for this purpose. Others use the "geographical method" - continuous travel or continuous work with great stress, which does not allow you to think about anything other than daily affairs. People need to solve this difficult problem, open and live the pain without collapsing. You need to live it so as not to carry it throughout your life. If this is not done, later returning to these experiences will be more painful and difficult than if you experience them immediately. Delayed experience of pain is also more difficult because if the pain of loss is experienced after a significant time, the person can no longer receive the sympathy and support from others that usually appears immediately after the loss and which helps to cope with grief.

The next task that the griever must cope with is organizing an environment where the absence of the deceased is felt. When a person loses a loved one, he loses not only the object to which feelings are addressed and from which feelings are received, he is deprived of a certain way of life. The deceased loved one participated in everyday life, demanded the performance of certain actions or certain behavior, the performance of certain roles, and took on some of the responsibilities. And it goes away with him. This emptiness must be filled, and life must be organized in a new way.

Organizing a new environment means different things to different people, depending on the relationship they had with the deceased, and on the roles that the deceased played in their life. The grieving person may not realize this. Even if the client is not aware of the role of the deceased, the therapist needs to outline for himself what the client has lost and how it can be replenished. Sometimes it is worth discussing this with the client. Often the client spontaneously begins to do this himself during the session. The griever must acquire new skills. The family can provide support in purchasing them. Often, the grieving person develops new ways to overcome the difficulties that have arisen and new opportunities open up before him, so that the fact of loss is reformulated into something that also has a positive meaning. This is a common option for successfully completing the third task.

The last, fourth task is build a new attitude towards the deceased and continue to live. The solution to this fourth task does not imply either oblivion or absence of emotions, but only their restructuring. The emotional attitude towards the deceased must change in such a way that it becomes possible to continue living and enter into new emotionally rich relationships.

Sometimes people think that if their emotional connection with the deceased weakens, then they will insult his memory and this will be a betrayal. In some cases, there may be a fear that a new close relationship may also end and that you will have to go through the pain of loss again - this happens especially often if the feeling of loss is still fresh. In other cases, the close environment may resist performing this task, for example, children may protest in the case of a new attachment from a widowed mother. Behind this there is often resentment: the mother has found a replacement for her deceased husband, but for the child there is no replacement for the deceased father. Or vice versa - if one of the children has found a partner, the widowed parent may have protest, jealousy, a feeling that the son or daughter is going to lead a full life, and the father or mother is left alone. This is supported by culture, especially among women. The behavior of a “faithful widow” is approved by society.

This task is hampered by a ban on new love, fixation on a past relationship, or avoidance of the possibility of again encountering the loss of a loved one. All these barriers are usually tinged with guilt.

A sign that this task is not being solved, grief does not subside and the period of mourning does not end, there is often a feeling that “life stands still,” “after his death I am not living,” anxiety is growing. The completion of this task can be considered the emergence of the conviction that it is possible to love another person - love for the deceased has not become less because of this.

The moment that can be considered the end of mourning is not obvious. Some authors name specific time periods - a month, a year or two. However, it is impossible to determine a specific period during which the experience of loss will unfold. It can be considered completed when a person who has experienced a loss takes all four steps and solves all four problems of grief. A sign of this is the ability to address most of the feelings not to the deceased, but to other people, to be receptive to new impressions and life events, and the ability to talk about the deceased without severe pain. Sadness remains, it is natural when a person talks or thinks about someone he loved and lost, but this is already a calm, “light” sadness. The “work of grief” is completed when the one who has experienced the loss is again able to lead a normal life, he feels adapted, when there is interest in life, new roles have been mastered, a new environment has been created and he can function adequately in it. social status and character.

Grief is an intense emotional state associated with a sense of objective or subjective loss of a significant object, part of one's identity, or an expected future. The loss of a loved one with whom there was a deep emotional connection is always accompanied by grief, sadness and grief.

The loss of a loved one means that the plans planned with him will not come true. Such situations are often accompanied by the words: “If he were alive now, everything would be different.”

The duration of grief is determined by how successfully a person carries out the “work of grief,” that is, comes out of a state of extreme dependence on the deceased. He adapts to life again, but without the person significant to him. He forms new relationships and understands that, despite the irreparable loss, life goes on.

There is a constructive way to “maintain relationships” with significant loved ones even after their death, namely, to preserve their memory. Close people remain with a person forever, even if they are no longer alive.

People often feel that starting a new relationship after the death of a spouse means betraying him or her. Fear of starting a new close relationship also arises when a person is afraid that they too may end and will have to go through the pain of loss again. This happens especially often if the feeling of loss is still fresh.

Close relatives may interfere with the building of new relationships, for example, children may be against the new affection of a widowed mother out of resentment that the mother was able to find a replacement for her deceased spouse, but they will no longer be able to find a replacement for their father.

External (behavioral and emotional) manifestations of grief vary from person to person and may be cultural or cultural. personal character. For example, in European culture, men rarely express their feelings at funerals, while in Eastern Muslim cultures, men cry at funerals.

In some cases, grief can stimulate disclosure creativity. For example, a person may begin to write poetry dedicated to a deceased loved one, although he has never attempted to write before. An attempt to express and transform your grief helps to stabilize the psyche and keep it in working order.

The pain of loss may not always be felt. Sometimes after the loss of a loved one, apathy sets in. Those grieving may lose contact not only with external reality, but also with internal experiences. In such cases, you can hear: “I don’t feel anything, and it’s kind of strange.”

People don't always understand how to behave around someone who is experiencing loss. In this case, others may try to calm the grieving person, for example, telling a mother who has lost a child: “You are young, you will give birth again” or “Don’t cry, everything will be fine.” This reaction of others is explained by the fact that they are experiencing internal tension or even panic, and thus are trying to reduce their own level of anxiety.

Such behavior of others contributes to strengthening the defensive reactions of the one experiencing loss. This leads to a devaluation of the feeling of grief. A widowed woman may say: “I am strong, and I must hold on” or “There is no time to suffer, I need to think about the children.” This behavior seems correct only at first glance: without giving oneself the opportunity to recover from the loss, a person may never fully recover.

Some bereaved people try to avoid painful thoughts about the loss. They allow only positive thoughts about the deceased, up to complete idealization. This helps them avoid unpleasant experiences associated with death. In Russian culture this is reflected in the rule: “It’s either good or nothing about the dead.”

Trying to drown out the memories of the deceased, some mourners begin to use alcohol or drugs. Others use continuous travel as a way to escape or escape the experience of grief. Still others are immersed in intense work, which does not allow them to think about anything other than everyday affairs.

As a result, there is a risk of delayed grief or the emergence of psychosomatic diseases. Such consequences are due to the fact that the person did not feel and experience the pain of loss, which cannot but exist. It will definitely manifest itself in other forms, be it psychosomatics or behavioral disorder.

If the experience of grief is “blocked,” it takes on a pathological form and is reflected in all areas of a person’s life, be it work, relationships with other people, or health.

Grief that has not been fully experienced manifests itself:

1. In longing for a person with whom there was a close connection. After many years, the slightest reminder of the loss causes intense feelings.
2. In exaggerating feelings of guilt and anger.
3. In suppressing grief. Outwardly, experiences may not manifest themselves, but somatic problems and signs of illness may appear, followed by the development of long-term hypochondria. A person is constantly worried about the possibility of getting sick, but there is no awareness of the connection between his own anxiety and the loss of a loved one.
4. In case of sudden loss. Intense feelings of anxiety, self-blame and depression predominate.
5. In a delayed experience that is postponed for a long time. That is, immediately after a loss, a person reacts emotionally, but then the grieving process is interrupted. Subsequently, a new loss or a reminder of a previous loss triggers the experience mechanism. When communicating with relatives or friends, a person often talks about loss. He leaves the things of the deceased in their places, believing that this is how he preserves the memory of him.
6. In denial of loss. There are no external manifestations, as if the loss never happened. The person completely denies it or remains in a state of shock. Denial can be a mild disorder or take severe forms. For example, when a person spends several days in an apartment with a deceased person before noticing that he has died.

Such people are characterized by specific psychological attitudes associated with difficulty in accepting the death of a loved one. They perceive joy as something unacceptable and something to be ashamed of. They are sure that their life is over too and that the intense pain they experience will never go away. Endless grief for them is the only thing left from relationships with their loved ones.

Individual rates of “grief work” vary, and even a year after the loss it may not be completed. But if several years have passed and signs of grief still interfere with normal functioning, we should talk about complicated grief. In these cases, a person needs psychological or psychotherapeutic help.

The goal of psychotherapy is to adapt a survivor of the death of a loved one to life without the deceased.

Signs of recovery and acceptance of loss can be considered the ability to direct most of the emotions not to the deceased person, but to new impressions and events in life, the willingness to talk about the deceased without severe pain. The acute feeling of grief is replaced by sadness. Interest in life reappears, openness to new acquaintances, willingness to open up in new relationships, while preserving warm memories of the departed person.

Losing emotionally significant person- this is a difficult test and great grief. Only by experiencing this pain in a timely manner, without avoiding it, can you return to normal life.

Post-traumatic syndrome that accompanies the death of loved ones is called acute grief reaction. This condition is a clinical nosology; it has its own stages, pathogenesis and methods of therapy.

Types of grief experiences

The loss of a loved one is always unexpected and scary. It does not matter whether the person was sick or whether his death occurred suddenly. People who have experienced loss in one way or another face a situation of grief. Everyone experiences grief differently, some become isolated and become asocial, while others, on the contrary, strive to become as active as possible so as not to face pain.

It is difficult to define the concept of “normal grief”; it is a very individual process. However, there is a line after which post-traumatic stress condition becomes a clinical pathology and requires mandatory medical and psychological support.

Psychiatrists and psychologists distinguish two types of post-traumatic state of patients who have experienced the death of loved ones:

1. Normal reaction of acute grief.

2. Pathological reaction of acute grief.

In order to talk about the line between them, it is necessary to understand the clinical course and features of each stage.

Experiencing Natural Grief

The reaction of depression and deep grief associated with the death of a close relative is a normal reaction, it takes place and often, when it flows freely with the support of loved ones, the person returns to social life without the help of specialists. There are so-called stages of grief. These are periods characterized by the experience of certain emotions and corresponding behavior. The stages may have different durations and do not always occur in order, but they always take place.

I Stage of denial- this is the period that occurs when news of the death of a loved one arrives. This stage is sometimes called shock. It is characterized by the following symptoms:

• disbelief;
• anger at the “messenger”;
• an attempt or desire to change the situation;
• challenging the fact of the tragedy;
• illogical behavior towards the deceased (they set the table for him, go to the apartment, buy gifts and call);
• conversation about a person proceeds as if he were still alive.

II Stage of Anger- when the awareness of the tragedy reaches the understanding of a loved one, he begins to be angry at others, at himself, at the whole world for not preventing the loss. This stage is characterized by:

• search for the culprit;
• antisocial behavior;
• isolation from loved ones;
• an angry reaction to other people's neutral or positive states.

III Stage of bargaining and compromise- this is the stage when a person begins to think that perhaps there are forces in the world that can “cancel” the death of a close relative; this mainly includes religious rituals and prayers. The grieving person seeks compromises with God, tries to “bargain” with him for the opportunity to return his loved one. This stage is usually accompanied by the following feelings and actions:

• hope for the return of a loved one;
• seeking religious support;
• contacting religious or occult societies to find an answer to a question;
• frequent visits to churches (or other religious centers);
• bargaining with death (I will change if he comes back to life).

IV Depression- when anger and attempts to change the tragic situation pass, when the full severity of the loss reaches the consciousness of the grieving person, the stage of depression begins. This is a long and very difficult period. The period is marked by the following feelings:

• feeling of guilt for the death of a loved one;
• obsessive thoughts and states;
• existential questions (why do people die young?, what is the point of living now?);
• insomnia or hypersomnia (increased sleep duration);
• lack of appetite or, conversely, pathological “eating” of grief (anorexic or bulemic type experience);
• social isolation;
• loss of desire and ability to care for oneself and others;
• abulia (powerlessness of will);
• a feeling of meaninglessness of life after the death of a loved one;
• fear of loneliness when it is impossible to be in society.

V Acceptance- This is the last stage of coming to terms with loss. The person still experiences pain, he is fully aware of the significance of the loss, but he is already able to solve everyday problems and get out of isolation, the emotional spectrum expands and activity increases. A person may be sad, afraid, or remember the deceased with pain, but he can already be socially active. These are normal symptoms of grief. The stage of depression can last a very long time, but the condition gradually improves. This is the main criterion for the “normality” of grief. Even just knowing all these stages, you can understand how to survive the death of loved ones safely and completely.

Pathological grief reactions

The main criterion for pathological grief is the duration, intensity and progression of the stage of depression. Depending on the response to a grief event, there are 4 types of pathological grief reactions:

1. Delayed grief - this happens when the reaction to the loss of a loved one is very weak compared to the reaction to small everyday situations.
2. Chronic (protracted) grief is a condition where symptoms do not improve or worsen over time and depression lasts for years. A person loses himself and the ability to take care of himself. Clinical depression sets in.
3. Exaggerated grief reactions are pathological conditions even for grief. For example, instead of fear or anxiety, a person develops a phobia or panic attacks, instead of anger, attacks of rage and attempts to inflict physical harm on themselves or others appear.
4. Disguised grief - a person suffers and grieves, but denies involvement in this sad situation. Often this manifests itself in the form of acute psychosomatics (exacerbation or manifestation of diseases).

Help for the grieving

It is very important to understand that any emotional states for a grieving person are indeed variants of the norm. It can be incredibly difficult to bear and remain close to the difficult emotional experiences of a person who has lost a loved one. But rehabilitation after the death of a loved one implies support and participation, and not ignoring or devaluing the significance of the loss.

What should relatives do to help a grieving person cope without causing harm?

It all depends on the stage of experiencing the loss. During the denial stage, it is very important to respect the griever's right to react with shock and disbelief. There is no need to convince him otherwise, there is no need to prove death. A person will come to an understanding, but at this moment his psyche is protected from trauma. Otherwise, the reaction will go from normal to pathological, since the psyche will not cope with the volume of loss in a short time. You need to be there and allow them to experience disbelief, denial and shock. You shouldn’t support the illusion, and you shouldn’t deny it either. The anger stage is a normal process. A person has something to be angry about and needs to allow this anger to be. Yes, it is difficult and unpleasant to be the object of aggression. But help after the death of a loved one should consist in accepting any of his normal emotional states. Let it be better to blame, scream and break dishes than to try to harm yourself. The bargaining stage also seems “strange” to the relatives of the grieving person, but the person must be allowed to bargain and find solace in faith. If his activity in this direction does not entail joining a sect, dangerous rituals or suicide, it is worth allowing the person to be a believer and bargain with God. Depression is a period when loved ones should be especially careful. This stage is the longest and most difficult.

Under no circumstances should you stop the tears or devalue the loss (everything will be fine, don’t cry, everything is fine). It is important to talk about loss, talk about its severity and pain, empathize and essentially work as an emotional mirror. If loved ones are not able to be there in this way, it is worth contacting a psychologist and allowing the person to safely experience grief. At the acceptance stage, support for any new beginnings, plans and positive motives is very important. Both memories of the deceased and emphasizing positive experiences are important. If the experience of grief becomes pathological, you should immediately contact a psychotherapist, and, if necessary, a psychiatrist.