Good afternoon My wife and I (the same age - 29 years old) have been dating for almost 10 years, we have been married for about 5 years, there are no children. The other day she told me that she overestimated her values ​​in life and for about two years now she has been tormented by the question - does she really love (and did she love at all) or only as a very good friend - she was afraid to admit before. She also said that she communicated with another man (there was no betrayal, she herself admitted that she could not live with it) and he became interested in her, but she cut off all communication due to the fact that she could not deceive me. Also, that she needs an accomplished man, whom she doesn’t see in me yet. But she doesn’t have an exact answer to how she feels. I really love her as a wife, but I myself understand perfectly well that we need to take over the leadership in the relationship - because fateful decisions were made on her initiative - renting an apartment, and then a mortgage. We both work, we earn +/- the same. And this doesn’t suit her either, because she thinks that she needs that person who will give her impetus in development and will be one step ahead and is afraid that now this is just attachment. In terms of family life, it was said that she has never been as comfortable as she is now - she is 150% satisfied. We decided to go to a family psychologist and put the dots together, but we haven’t chosen a psychologist yet. We've been talking very openly for the last week, spending a lot of time together, sleeping together, no sex. I confessed my love to her, to which they answered: “I love you too, but I don’t know how yet...” So I’m sitting and thinking that I also need to work on myself as a person because of my fears, including leaving my comfort zone (I'm really very afraid of this). If it matters, my mother raised me, my father took almost no part in it and lived separately for a long time, we even quarreled once after I told him everything I thought about him and didn’t talk for almost 10 years.

I’m sitting here wondering if it’s even possible to save our marriage. I understand with my mind that there could be a divorce, but I don’t want that, because I see her not only as a loved one, but also as a life partner.

SlavaI

Evgenia Sergeeva

Administrator

Slava, good night. The psychologist will answer the topic after a while.

Hello!
The main question for separation in your case can only be: does she love a specific other man so much that she considers it possible and necessary to destroy her family in order to build a life with him. If not, then, in my opinion, the person (your wife) is so used to good things that she has stopped appreciating them, and secondly, she simply has no idea about the norms in family relationships, namely that such love, friendly , without passion and unbridled sex, is the essence of family love (according to Plato, storge), which is not achieved by everyone, and sometimes coldness, mutual indifference and competition for resources reign in the family. Such love as you have with your wife should be valued, since it is a natural acquisition of the years lived together, instead of indulging instincts (mostly those that have destructive properties), the thirst for sexual adventure and imaginary ideals of well-being behind the “lion’s” back. No wonder folk traditions in Rus', divorces and remarriages were not expected: human nature is imperfect, it needs to be educated. The meaning of quiet well-being is not immediately understood by everyone. And a person prefers to try and make mistakes in our world that has departed from tradition, for which he pays. As my favorite writer V. Shalamov said, “don’t look for the best from the good.” The thought continues that you will lose everything. Perhaps your wife needs to change, and not you. She is simply disoriented in values ​​and meaning. Be confident in yourself, the problem is not you. Relationships are a two-person thing. You are not the only one who should be responsible for them and blame yourself. The wife herself must understand something, what is her duty, what is the norm and what is not the norm, why and for whom she lives, for what and for whom “life was created” - for whims and pleasures or creation and cooperation.

Thanks for the answer! We talked about this yesterday and I was told that he was only interested in him as an interesting personality, but nothing more and there was no point in focusing on this incident at all since “there wasn’t even a smell of anything serious there.” We finally decided to go to therapy together and figure everything out. During the experience, I also found a couple of serious, as it seems to me, phobias in myself and the need to work through them and change something in my son’s attitude towards life and goals in it. T.K. There has been stagnation at work for 3 years and I understand this, but I’m afraid to change something and really start to realize myself. My wife told me about our future fate that now everything has started to go in the right direction. I think it is necessary to tell you that the marriage proposal was made almost nothing and it bothered her - I came to this myself. I ordered it the other day a wedding cake, bought another one wedding ring and proposed again, but properly - with candles, music, flowers and on his knee. I noticed that now I only wear a new ring. To the question "Will you be my wife?" She answered something like this: “I would of course say Yes, but let’s finally figure it out.” We live together as before, we also sleep together, he hugs me at night and doesn’t push me away. I think that all is not lost and never really was.

Hello. I have never written anything like this on the forums. It’s probably boiling over and I want to share it with someone.
I’ll start with the fact that I had a good friend, we talked for 4-5 years, practically inseparable. He is married, his second child was born a year ago. About two years ago, his wife cheated on him with a mutual friend of ours, whom I introduced them to. They had a long relationship, behind her husband’s back, and in the end she decided to return to her husband, but his “acquaintance” could not let her go. He came to her husband and told about their relationship. Accordingly, further events occurred like an “avalanche”: screams, swearing, and as a result, her husband kicked her out of the house with six-month-old child. She had to go to his “friend” out of despair, because the girl was not local, her only relative was her mother, and she was half paralyzed. Ultimately, the “acquaintance” found someone else, although all the time he swore and swore that he loved her and the child. She returned to her husband again. After some time, she became pregnant for the second time. The husband refuses to recognize the child. I witnessed this whole situation.
About a year ago she decided to take out a mortgage and bought herself an apartment. Because life with my husband was impossible. She moved and her friends and I helped her move her things. And literally after moving, I gave birth to a second girl. The husband accordingly did not show any body movements.
About half a year ago, we were sitting in the kitchen with her (I often came to help her or with my husband together), drank, and..... a spark ran. At that time, my husband and I lived separately, sometimes he came to night and threw a little money towards the child. I fell head over heels in love with her. The candy-bouquet love went. I realized that I was acting badly towards my friend, but on the other hand, they did not live together. He constantly oppressed her for her old betrayal. She also began to care about me. I was very worried about her. Soon she agreed with her sister that she would look after the children. I helped her find a job. I didn’t put pressure on her, but somehow we had a very strong fight when I found out that she spent the night with her husband. Then she got sick with her kidneys and I didn’t leave her side for almost a week. When her husband came and she, with a temperature of 39, asked him to take his eldest daughter to the dacha because she was sick, he grimaced and left.
About a week ago it was her birthday. I decided to give her the birthday she never had). I ordered posters with congratulations and her photo. At night, after twelve, I placed the inscription “Happy Birthday” in front of her window with candles, and posted posters all over the entrance and at her work. Well, he gave me two cool T-shirts. She said that she had never had such a birthday. Then I went to a wedding in another city for a couple of days. In the evening I called and found out that her husband was visiting her. I started to get jealous and had a fight. He said that I would choose between me and him. I was ready to accept the kids. I love her and would do my best to love her children, because they are parts of her). The next day I came home and met her in the evening. She decided to file for divorce, not only because of me, but also because she was tired of enduring all her husband’s humiliation. They ended up talking two days ago. He told him not to care about anything and left. And yesterday at lunchtime he called her on the phone and promised that he would improve, stop drinking (he drank specifically), devote time to the children and love to buy. And she left me. One phone call from him was enough for her to get over everything that had happened between us over the past six months. I really wanted to have a family with her and the kids. I love her very much and I can’t live without her like I can’t live without air. But apparently I mean nothing to her. I tried to talk to her again last night after drinking, but my husband was already at home. She told me to fuck off and told me not to interfere in her life. I got mad, hit the door and went downstairs. It was about 11 pm. She and her husband called the police on me)). They didn’t take me to the police station and got off with a fine. It’s just terribly offensive that she made the decision to return to him in 5 minutes. He simply beckoned to her and she ran. But he won’t change, I know him well. He only loves himself and beer)) and complaining about life.
I know that nothing can be fixed, I just wanted to speak out). Sorry for the long story

We met with her a day later and talked about a lot of things. She said that she really wanted to be with me, but the children must have a father and she wants to try to revive the family. In general, she gave him a chance, and it is her decision from which she wants to retreat. I understood everything, and I also realized that I love her madly and cannot live without her. Probably, if you love, you need to let go, but I have no idea how to do this. If there was even a tiny chance......we could be together.

Hello, dear Tatyana Vasilievna.

Now I feel very bad, I am away from my still beloved husband, the father of my children.

Just recently, on February 24, I heard my husband say that he doesn’t love me. Before that, I just suspected that something was wrong. He loved meeting with friends, always talking with whom and where. Just in New Year, celebrating the holiday with friends (at best friend my husband and his wife, we communicated very well) I noticed that she was feeding my husband with a fork, everyone was already well drunk, it was unpleasant, I was the most sober, as I was breastfeeding my son, then he sat on the balcony with her nearby, either talking or asking, I tried not to attach any importance to it.

A week after the celebration, my husband was at sea, I called her, but I felt that she didn’t want to talk to me, we exchanged a few phrases and said goodbye. Another week passed, I called, she again didn’t seem to want to talk, we said goodbye.

Then it was my daughter’s birthday, she called, congratulated me as if nothing had happened, and we chatted.

I kept noticing that not everything was going well with my husband, so I started prying - I fell out of love, found someone else, cheated... In the end I waited for an answer, but not to my face, I got it, in the end he told me to my face that doesn’t love me anymore, I ask: has he found someone else, he says no, he just stopped loving you. It was painful, but what can you do? I started getting ready to visit my mother and bought tickets. I managed to get into his phone, there I found answers to my questions, he confessed his love to his best friend’s wife. I compared all his absences and it was like a mosaic formed in my head.

On the day when I got into his phone, he came in the morning, went to the bathroom, then I looked, excuse me, of course, his panties were on inside out, I asked where he was, he said in the bathhouse with friends and went to bed, and I time took his hundred.

In general, he didn’t really sleep, I started asking if he loved her, he answered yes. At that moment I called her, asked how she was with my husband, she had no time, she said she would call back. All this happened quite calmly, without breaking dishes, although I started to kick him out, told him to go and sleep with her, threw a hundred at his head, he was angry, but restrained himself. Then I called her husband and told her about the messages, at that moment he was just silent, and my husband told me, don’t disgrace yourself.

On the same day, my husband was getting ready to leave for sea, before that her husband called and asked me how to live next, I said, come, get a beer.

Before leaving, my husband went to her, picked up his best friend and brought him to our home, since he was already drunk.

That day she called, sent me to three cheerful ones and said that both her husband and mine loved her.

My husband’s best friend and I were drinking beer, thinking about what we should do, I insisted that I wouldn’t tolerate this, I would get a divorce, and he said that everything would work out. This is the second time in his life, before that his wife dated an unmarried man, he forgave her. My husband left for work that day. We drank beer and talked for three hours, didn’t decide anything, thought to annoy them, also start texting, writing SMS, confessing our love, to which he told me that he couldn’t do that, although he had liked me for a long time. Having drunk beer, we were going to buy more, he then told me, if I drink more, I’ll pester him, to which I replied, “I can’t do that.” He left. I put the children to bed and went to bed myself, he called and asked if you were still waiting for me, I said no.

That night I called my husband, told him everything, asked him to come to his senses, at least for the sake of the children, said that I would do everything, as long as it would be good for us, gave him time to think about it before his arrival (either with me or a divorce), said that I’m ready to forgive for the first time, I won’t go anywhere, I’ll return the tickets. He asked for forgiveness and said that he would like everything to work out for us. I also told him that I was afraid that she would call him and he would again begin to think differently, completely differently than after talking to me.

In the morning, my husband called himself and said that he tried to ask for forgiveness from his best friend on the phone, but he did not listen, and again asked for forgiveness from me.

I reassured myself, waited for him, he was gone for 9 days, cut my hair, cooked dinner, took vodka, didn’t bother asking him, although all this was very difficult. Knowing him, there were 3 options: either with her, or with me, or with none of us.

He arrived, came up to him, hugged him, called the children, went to wash (at this time a message from her arrived on his cell phone - hello, how are you). I restrained myself, gave him the phone, I said there was a message from her, as it seemed to me, he really perked up. That evening we drank a lot, but for some reason we weren’t drunk, our coordination of movements was just a little impaired, he told me that we were going to get a divorce, he didn’t want to be with me or her. He said that they stopped calling each other and agreed that everyone in their family would improve relationships. Together we cried, he over the fact that he would lose his children, and I over the fact that I was losing him. He remembered all my shortcomings, clung to every little thing, and the reason for the divorce was me, and not his love for his best friend’s wife. That night I jumped half naked and in stockings in front of him, but nothing came of it, he said that he didn’t want me.

The next day she offered him options - try again, the children are small: the daughter is 6 years old, the son is 8 months old, or during maternity leave, we got tired of each other - we separated, he agreed, we slept together, we were fine.

These 2 days passed and it was as if he had been replaced, a complete stranger, no longer agreed to anything. I had no doubt that she and I still communicated on the phone and met. That night he said again that he didn’t want me. We took tickets again, because he said if I didn’t leave, he would. The last evening was the limit, he was going to drink in the company of friends, I asked him not to, I’m leaving with the children tomorrow, he didn’t listen, he left. He came at 2 o'clock in the morning, with a fume, a bottle of beer, angry, grabbed my hand, squeezed it and said with obscenities that if he suddenly found out that I went to a fortune teller, he would kill me. The phone rang, I thought it was her, I tell him that you are a coward, it’s her, to which he replied: “Do you want to know who I’m talking to? This is my beloved woman. Everything has calmed down, be quiet.” All this was in rough form. He drove away, drunk, and got behind the wheel himself.

At night I practically didn’t sleep, I’m not stupid, I understood that he was with her, I was worried.

There was a plane in the morning, I agreed with a friend and her husband to see me and the children off, I didn’t count on it, I called a taxi. Literally 10 minutes before leaving the house, my husband arrived, drove us to the airport himself, and on the way asked for forgiveness for 8 years life together, for the mistakes, for the pain I caused, but nothing about somehow improving our lives. To which I told him God will forgive. At the airport he cried, saying goodbye to the children, I told him: Goodbye, in response I heard GOODBYE! That's how we parted.

Already on the plane, her husband called and said that mine was with them and that night they slept together, her husband at that time was in the next room with his daughter. In the morning I came out: his wife was sleeping naked, and my husband was getting dressed, half naked. His friend asked: What are you doing? To which my husband replied: Sorry, I love her.

This is the situation, I don’t know what to do, I still love him, I’m ready to forgive, I want my children to have their father, and not a stranger. Help me please.

We are both military, with the rank of captains, I am 28 years old, he is 33. His love is my age, her husband is 35, he has a daughter, the same age as our daughter.

Everyone who knows about this (parents, girlfriend) says he’ll go crazy and come back, but I either believe it or not.

Love for a friend's wife is classified as forbidden. Most situations are ambiguous and have different features. Often they lie in the depth of the emotions experienced, as some feel tenderness, others experience sexual attraction, and still others imagine themselves in the place of a friend, believing that he is incredibly lucky. If such feelings arise, then the man is capable of falling into chronic depression and stupor, since the solution to this situation, at first glance, seems negative. On the one hand, a devoted friend, on the other hand, unrequited love and endless experiences.

Before taking decisive action, you need to understand your own emotions. It is important to determine how serious the personal intentions are, what the woman experiences in response, and whether the emotions are a fleeting clouding of reason due to a long absence of a relationship. It can be difficult to understand your experiences on your own; a psychologist can come to your aid. It is necessary to sort everything out and evaluate the various outcomes of the situation that has arisen.

Love or passion?

It's no secret that the basis of love and romantic relationships is sexual desire and passion. It is necessary to pay attention to the range of feelings; if they reach the limit under specific circumstances, when men see an object of desire and feel a desire to engage in sexual contact, then destroy stable family relationships no need. There are no guarantees that after a one-time relationship the relationship will be able to continue, but this will already be enough to lose a friend and destroy illusions about love. This situation can have an extremely negative impact on all participants in the situation.

Are they happily married?

An important aspect is when love for a friend’s wife arose, what quality does it have? family life. This assessment should be carried out if there is a strong feeling that this is true love and further relationships between a man and a married couple within the framework of friendship are impossible. If the spouses are happy in their marriage, are developing steadily in their relationship, are raising children or are planning to have children, then there is no point in interfering with such marriage ties.

On the other hand, if the friend himself does not see himself in this marriage in the future, perhaps he has a mistress, and the woman is suffering, then you can try to bring your friend to a frank conversation, to test the waters with leading questions. But this should be done extremely carefully. It is important to make sure that the woman herself does not mind leaving this doomed relationship. In practice, there are cases where wives entered into relationships with their best friends, after which the friendship continued. But such stories are more the exception than the rule. Possible grievances on the part of all participants, hatred and aggression are not excluded. Every person has his own ambitions and experiences that he is not ready to share with others.

Showing love to a friend's wife.

After some time has passed, it is important to do some self-reflection. It is necessary to determine what worries you in the first place, your own feelings and ambitions or concerns about
supposed lover. Often men are so careless that they worry about themselves, feel sorry for themselves and think only about their comfort. A woman may not like this; rarely does anyone want to lose a stable family for the sake of passionate hobbies. If this real love, then the man will always act in the interests of his beloved.

This situation is the most common, the reason being the personal claims of friends, a constant spirit of competition, and unrealized plans for life. If he experiences certain failures in building his own relationships for a long time, while in front of his friend’s eyes everything is going well, he involuntarily has a desire to transfer the situation to himself. But there is no guarantee that the same woman will be as good a wife in a new relationship.

No one knows the truth of relationships!

No one knows how their personal relationships develop without prying eyes. Maybe it’s in public that she behaves at ease, easily and carefree, showing maximum attention to her husband. It is possible that she is demanding in private and has certain personal needs that affect family relationships. By joining serious relationship You can experience such side effects yourself, which may be extremely unpleasant. This situation will be unfavorable, since the stable family unit will be destroyed, and the woman will not be in demand and will no longer be interesting.

Frank conversation is the best solution

In any situation, it is necessary to maintain your own dignity and be honest with yourself and others. If this is really your best friend, then you need to be open to him, avoiding outright betrayal. The truth has a saving and healing effect, since a long affair behind one’s back will definitely lead to the complete destruction of all friendly relationships.

As soon as a man understands that love exists, it is mutual and it is impossible to overcome the desire to live together in the future, you need to choose the right moment and decide to have that very conversation. In this case, you need to be initially prepared for a negative reaction from a friend. His desire to solve the problem like a man or a complete refusal of further friendship should not become unpredictable. This is a completely expected reaction to newly discovered circumstances. Such a decisive step must be taken only with full confidence that the time has come to put all the dots in place.

Don't forget about affection.

Psychological attachment to the spouse is not excluded, even if the relationship has come to naught and the couple is preparing for divorce. This state is called a sense of ownership; it requires psychological correction. Since the inability to part with loved ones, wishing them happiness, is a personality disorder, such disorders often hide one’s own insecurity and inadequate self-esteem. A woman is not property, she has the right to decide for herself who she will be with next. You may need to have a conversation with her before talking to your friend. Does she agree to such a relationship, does she experience mutual feelings and is she ready to enter into a new relationship.

You can't isolate yourself

Love for a friend's wife for a long time and unresolved questions regarding
This situation can lead to chronic stress. A man becomes irritable, aggressive, and experiences a constant feeling of dissatisfaction in his own personal life. Over time, the condition becomes dangerous, capable of leading to serious psycho-emotional disorders. You cannot isolate yourself and live only within the current situation. It is important to bring diversity, to try to look at the situation from a different perspective.

conclusion

Video on the topic.