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According to child psychologists, parental divorce for a child is in second place in terms of stress. The first, by the way, is the death of one of the parents. Therefore, the influence of parents' divorce on children is quite strong, and the child can hardly endure the divorce process itself. Even if he does not show it and tries to hold on, the situation is psychologically very tense for him. After all, in time cohabitation he got used to both parents, they were together from the moment of his birth, met him and introduced him to this world - but now such a dear person will not live with him, wake up together in the morning, come home from work, play, etc.

Therefore, the situation does not pass without a trace for the still fragile psyche of the child. We will consider in the article exactly how divorce affects children and what measures need to be taken to smooth out sharp corners and the severe consequences of a family tragedy for a baby.

Effects of divorce on children

Consider those negative factors that can affect the psyche of the child after the divorce of the parents.

• Depression.

In most cases, the child will definitely be depressed for some time after the divorce. And it depends only on the parents themselves whether this condition will reach severe depression. If you spend more time with the baby, explain everything to him as accessible and honestly as possible, then negative consequences can be avoided.

Even if the child does not show it and behaves outwardly, as usual, this does not mean that everything is in order. Depression is insidious and can take hidden forms. It can also manifest itself in a few years, for example, during the puberty of a child, expressed in his capriciousness, uncontrollability and irritability. And immediately after a divorce, recurring nightmares may indicate the presence of depression in a child.

• Increased resentment.

The child may respond inadequately to your seemingly reasonable and fair comments. Where he previously reacted normally, now he can begin to be rude, offended and defiantly suffer. Don't get mad at him and don't scold him. Understand that such touchiness, irritability and nervousness is a cry for help. The child himself is frightened and does not know how to explain his condition to you. Therefore, we show maximum patience - touchiness will subside over time, if we do not bring everything to the point of absurdity and do not inflate empty scandals. Deep inside, the child may be offended by you because, from his point of view, you deprived him of his dad. This, of course, does not apply to situations where the father, for example, beat his mother in front of the baby - in this case, the child clearly sees that it was impossible to live with such a dad.

• Fears and phobias may appear.

As a result of a divorce, a child may be afraid to be alone. He fears that you, like dad, may not return when you leave. You should understand this fear and explain to the baby that mom is always there.

The child’s fears are especially acute if, recently, before the divorce, when the parents were still living together, he had heard plenty of scandals, abuse, breaking dishes, etc. Such moments do not pass without a trace for the fragile psyche. But with a further calm life and a gradual restoration of the nervous system, attacks of panic and fear will pass.

• Guilt.

Sometimes a child may turn their sadness inward by blaming themselves for their parents' divorce. This is especially common in children crushed by parental care and control. If they are not allowed to take a single step without the permission of adults, they constantly pull back and shout for the slightest offense, very often the guilt complex in such children grows like a nuclear mushroom to enormous proportions.

Outwardly, by the way, such children can be very socially adapted - helpful, pleasant in communication, modest. But if you notice such qualities in an exaggerated form in your child, carefully observe him and talk more - inside he may have a whole range of negative experiences.

• Divorce often also results in poor school performance. The child begins to "score" on study, he loses motivation, the desire for success and new achievements. This is a rather disturbing principle - help the child, be around as much as possible and teach him not to give up.

• Adolescents can even run away from home, have serious conflicts with the parent they live with, skip school. The child may begin to conflict with friends and classmates because of his increased sensitivity and susceptibility. It may seem to him that they laugh at him, do not like him, want to hurt him. All this does not improve his authority in the eyes of his peers and only adds to the problems. If you notice signs of such behavior in a child, take him to a psychologist or talk to yourself - you may be able to pull out the hidden anxieties of a little person and try to solve them together.
• The child may begin insomnia, sometimes sleepwalking. And in some cases, he may begin, on the contrary, to sleep unusually much. Such disorders pass after some time, especially if the further family situation is sufficiently stable and communication with the other parent is not interrupted.

The impact of parents' divorce on children depending on their age

• Up to 2 years

In this case, parental divorce passes almost without a trace for the psyche of the child. Most of the time, he just doesn't notice. Most of the time he was with his mother before, so little changes for him here. The only caveat is that if a mother is depressed, often cries, is very worried about a divorce, then the child will feel it - and it will negatively affect him. Therefore, you should just get together and live on, remaining as calm, cheerful and cheerful as possible.

• 2 to 3.5 years

If the divorce occurred at this age, then the child also does not understand something too much. But nevertheless, questions may already arise, such as: “why dad doesn’t come anymore”, etc. You need to answer, if possible, honestly and there is a high probability that the child will perceive such a turn in his life as a natural development of events and will not suffer. But especially sensitive children may start having problems sleeping, they may withdraw with insufficient control into their fictional world.

• 3.5 to 5 years

At this age, the mental sphere of the baby is already developed so much that he feels the full bitterness of loss. Outwardly, this can manifest itself in the aggressiveness of the child, his resentment, uncontrollable behavior. If you give him due attention, then after a while such outbreaks pass, the child comes to terms with reality and lives on calmly.

• 5 to 6 years old

This age can already force the child to come up with ways to reconcile parents with each other. Little inventors can come up with funny and ridiculous tricks that, in their opinion, are sure to bring their family back together - it's both sad and touching. The matter is further aggravated by the fact that children of this age are especially attached to parents of the opposite sex - girls adore their father, and boys cannot live without their mother. Therefore, if dad leaves the family at this age, the girl can carry a grudge against the “insidious masculine gender” through her whole life.

• 6 to 12 years old

At this age, children understand a lot. However, this usually only makes things worse. A developed intellect and psyche can give rise to feelings of guilt, fears, depression and other unpleasant psychological disorders. In addition, sometimes children can feel like outcasts in their children's companies, especially among children who have complete families.

• From 12 years old

The divorce of parents in the life of a teenage child is experienced by this same teenager, perhaps more difficult than at any other age. Often divorce is perceived by them as the collapse of their whole life. All problems increase, the child plunges into despair - such a scenario is not uncommon for children going through a parental divorce. They can behave inappropriately, be rude, skip classes, study poorly. It will be necessary to call on all your patience and endurance to help the child survive the separation.

The teenager also worries about his future, has a poor idea of ​​his future life, and what awaits him - because of extreme self-doubt. You should talk with the child, explain to him that his future remains exactly the same as before the divorce, that is, with due diligence and good study - cloudless.

How to avoid hurting your child in a divorce

How to help a child survive the divorce of his parents, what to do to smooth out the post-divorce experiences of your child as much as possible:

• If possible, visit a psychotherapist. The specialist will be able to talk with the baby and find out his fears and anxieties - this will help in further building a line of behavior with the child.
• It is imperative to communicate with the child, clearly convey to him and explain - with whom he will live, why exactly this happened, do not forbid him to see the other parent, unless, of course, this is an extreme case. Be sure to make it clear to the child that he still has both parents, the only difference is that they now just live in different houses.

And if the child reaches out to the "new dad" because he does not remember his own, and the spouse pushes him away? How to be?

Hello, thanks for the article - it's clear about the main thing. And can the divorce of parents affect the adult, family life of their only daughter, who at the time of their separation was an adult. That is, it seems like an adult already. Can she “repeat the fate” of her parents? Is there a high probability that her family will break up? Thank you.

Svetlana

I want to share my experience. It is not possible to maintain civilized relations with every person after a divorce, for example, I tried to do this for many years, to maintain a relationship with my son with his father and grandfather, and they were cruelly persecuting me. I had to “show my teeth” and, which is very strange for me, they began to respect me more. What should be guided in this situation? Or war with certain people, the only possible way of relationship?

Thank you!

Alexey Polyakov

Understanding why he lacks confidence and purpose so much will give you the opportunity to treat yours with more acceptance. young man. And that's enough for now. To get rid of anger and resentment against his father, the young man must himself, and you will not do this for him. The training Understanding yourself and others can help in this. As for the negative aspects, if there is love, everything can be solved. Fear and anxiety are not the best feelings for building relationships, just enjoy each other, and if negative moments arise, then you will think about it (maybe they will not arise, which I wish you)

Hello, Alexey! My young man survived the divorce of his parents at about 10 years old, his father got another family, for some time he even lived in two families and did not differ good attitude to wife and children. The young man still holds great resentment and anger at his father (mainly because of his bad attitude towards his mother). Thanks to your article, I understood why he lacks confidence and determination so much. Can you give advice on how to help him overcome these the negative effects of parental divorce? And the question is also of interest: can negative moments arise in our family as a result of such a divorce of his parents? If yes, which ones and how to prevent them?

Anton Moore

Alex replied below

Alexey Polyakov

I think it's worth it. If the father does not make contact, you need to let the time pass, and then try again. It is important for a child to understand that if dad does not make contact, this does not mean that dad or the child is bad, dad has reasons for such behavior, even if they are not clear.

Alexey Polyakov

Let's go in order. His guilt is his guilt, and you cannot do anything with his guilt. Moreover, it is only your assumption that his actions are based on guilt, you cannot be sure of this. Another question is your guilt. and here is a lot in your power. Firstly, you are sure that in previous relationships it was “ family happiness”, and there is something to return? but this is a rhetorical question, since you will not find an answer to it, only assumptions ... Secondly, this man is with you now, and if you want to be with this man, start just living and enjoying each other, after all, he chose you, and that says a lot. Otherwise, you just convince him that he did not right choice, but do you need it? And the last thing, there is always a “price of relationships”, this is what had to happen in order for the relationship to be created. In a way, the price of your relationship was that the child saw less of his father, and this child paid this “price” (I don’t like this word, but it’s true). Just be grateful for it, and so that this payment is not in vain, be happy yourself, and make the father of this child happy. That's the best you can do, and it's way better than guilt.

Alexey Polyakov

Attitudes - These are our guidelines in life, and if we do not confirm our children's decisions about the world and the people around us, then we are lost and do not know where to go. In childhood, these attitudes helped us a lot, saved us, and now we also expect that the result of our actions will bring us special benefits. In the above example, the woman knows how to behave when she is “abandoned”, knows how others react to it, what kind of attention she will receive, and how not to feel guilty and blame her partner that it is “he left” ... But this knowledge is subconscious. Consciously, we really want to change something, but subconsciously, the fear of the unknown stops us. Have you noticed how often people say what they DON'T WANT, and how rarely about what they WANT?

Alexey Polyakov

All you can do in this situation is to convince your daughter that she should not do something that she does not like or does not want. She is old enough to understand this. And if you think about the fact that when interacting with her father, she only does what she likes, you will not worry about the fact that " ex-husband actively attracts the eldest daughter to the “education” of his newborn child - well, sit there for a couple of hours ... She is a kind girl and does not refuse him. ”Your message shows that you have a lot of pain and resentment towards your ex-husband, it has already passed 4 years, and probably it's time to learn to forgive him.

Thank you for the article. Actual. What do you think, if the father does not make contact with the child after the divorce, is it worth seeking a meeting with him? Provided that the last meeting ended unsuccessfully (insults against the mother and child followed from the father). On the one hand, it is important for a child to see his father, on the other hand, these meetings bring only disappointment.

Alexey, and if the father visits the child very often, guided by feelings of guilt and giving gifts in a way that was not the case before the divorce from his wife, can this not have a negative impact on the new relationship of the divorced man? I am writing about myself. I am in such a situation. And knowing about his feelings of guilt, I always want to leave so as not to feel like a “hindrance” or something, ... I don’t know if I’m writing clearly. A man cannot openly build a new relationship with a girl, feeling guilty before the one he left. As if next to a prisoner, rushing to freedom, as if I arose at the wrong time in his life, maybe he wants to return his former “family happiness”? I'm left alone with my thoughts, wanting to disappear. A feeling arises in me that there would be no me, and he may have tried to live for the sake of the child with his first wife, since he is so tormented by guilt. Help me to understand.

1. Hello Alexey. A very relevant and necessary article. Thank you. It so happened that the father of my children and I broke up 4 years ago. My life has been a disaster! The fact is that in addition to the fact that I found out that my husband has been dating another woman for a long time, I also found out that all our jointly acquired property, it turns out, is not ours, but his) ... by donation. I left , took the children and left ... I couldn’t, it was hell ... that is, I left so as not to die. It's literally. Now the situation is like this. I live with my children in a small two-room apartment, my husband lives with the woman he met then in his (donated) apartment, and they recently had a child. Alimony is paid at will. Children communicate with him without obstacles, when they want and when he wants ... Now the ex-husband actively involves the eldest daughter in the "education" of his newborn child - well, sit there for a couple of hours ... She is a kind girl and does not refuse him. And suddenly I was "covered" with my head again ... Here you write "in every possible way to promote and support the initiative of both, so that they maintain communication" ... I understand, but what should I do with my feelings? How should I behave - pretend that I don't care? Do you talk to your daughter about your feelings? Just yesterday, we had a conversation with her ... I said that she has the right to meet with dad, communicate with her newly-made sister whenever she wants, but I don’t have to know this (about my husband’s child) ... Because it’s unpleasant and painful for me to hear this ... PS Daughter 16 years old, son 10. Thank you.

   Write what do you think?

Infidelity is a frequent, but far from the only, reason for divorce, and even if there were none, divorce is still a difficult event for both partners and their children. Alison Nastasi found out exactly how divorce affects the future lives of family members and whether it is really as difficult to go through it as we used to think.

Jennifer Glass

Professor of Humanities and Executive Director of the Department of Social Science Research at the University of Texas at Austin

The answer to this question depends on the subject of the discussion. Sociologists agree that divorce is bad for children, especially if the parents divorced "quietly", without clarifying the relationship in front of the children. At the same time, if the parents often quarreled and there was physical or emotional abuse against one of the parents or children, the divorce will be more beneficial for the children.

Divorce affects heterosexual partners differently. Women tend to recover faster emotionally but suffer more financial hardship. Despite the fact that now women are gradually starting to earn more, it is still difficult for them, because, as a rule, the burden of care and upbringing falls on them. Men suffer more emotionally, and they remarry faster. Longitudinal academic research confirms that although marriage has a positive effect on the psychological state of both men and women, it still has a greater effect on men.

Stephanie Kunz

Divorce is a difficult and painful process that should not be taken lightly. But this is not the end for adults or children, and is often preferable to a failed marriage, which can cause even more harm. Many of the problems attributed to divorce are actually rooted in earlier events that took place 8-12 years before the divorce. Other problems arise already during or immediately after a divorce, when former spouses openly conflict or incite children against a former partner. Parenting after divorce is possible and pays off in every way, although it requires parental discipline and an understanding of the role stability plays in children's lives. For example, for a teenager, moving and changing schools in the middle school year more likely to act as a trigger for antisocial behavior than divorce itself.

There are a few more things to know about divorce. For example, the number of divorces is gradually falling, especially among partners who have received higher education. 70% of those first married in the early 90s celebrate their 15th wedding anniversary together, as do 65% of those who got married in the 70s and 80s. Couples who got married in the early 2000s seem to be doing even better. Divorce by mutual agreement, and not through the fault of one of the partners, is not a problem today. A study in the 1970s and 1980s examining the impact of new laws allowing divorce by mutual agreement found that suicide rates among women fell by 8-13%, and the number of cases domestic violence- by 30%. At the same time, despite the widespread use of such laws, the total number of divorces has also decreased.

Divorce is not the same for everyone. Most recover well after it, but some people cannot cope with this injury and can create problems not only for themselves, but also for loved ones. For example, a recent study showed that 18% of children become more aggressive after their parents divorce, 14% become less aggressive, and the rest do not change their behavior. I'm not saying that divorce is nothing, but if parents can raise children together after it, this will help not only the children to get through the pain faster, but also the former spouses themselves. It is also worth remembering that if a parent sets a child against his former partner, this will rebound on him when the child grows up.

Ariel Kuperberg

assistant professor of sociology at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro

It all depends on what the marriage itself was like and in what circumstances the former spouses ended up after the divorce. Obviously, happy marriage better than divorce, but those who are getting divorced do not have such an alternative at all: they choose between an unsuccessful marriage and a divorce, which can be more useful.

The financial situation is highly dependent on the number of children a couple has, who will raise them after a divorce, and the career prospects of each spouse. Women tend to earn less than men, but more often than not, they are raising children, so after a divorce, they are more likely to experience financial difficulties. At the same time, men's income may, on the contrary, increase if they do not take part in the upbringing of children. Of course, these are all generalizations, and how people will deal with financial problems depends on their individual arrangements.

Susan D. Stewart

professor of sociology at Iowa State University

Divorce is really as bad as it is made out to be, and it really ruins the financial situation. Despite this, most former partners and their children recover well - in the sense that divorce does not break their personality. Otherwise, there would be a huge number of traumatized people in society.

Divorce is one of the most stressful events in life, and it negatively affects the well-being of adults and children, at least financially, professionally, and emotionally. Divorce is a process, so people recover relatively quickly. True, it has a long-term effect: the pain that divorce causes follows the children in their adulthood. Most men and women remarry within five years of a divorce, and most children of divorced parents live happy life. This does not mean that they do not have difficulties, but one divorce is usually not enough to ruin someone's life.

In addition to the emotional, the financial aspect is also important. Both men and women experience financial difficulties after divorce, but women are more affected and it is more difficult for them to move up the career ladder (some do not succeed). Usually they raise children, while about half of the women do not receive any financial support for this. How well a person will cope with financial problems, influenced by his level of education, age and other factors. Distinguished Professor at the University of Southern California, author of The Good Divorce and We’re Still Family

While divorce can be painful and stressful, it is neutral in and of itself. Most people experience the most unpleasant emotions during a divorce: they have to say goodbye to some dreams, familiar family life, a loved one. Despite these losses, many people say they do not regret the divorce, live a fulfilling life after it, and have a good chance of starting a new relationship within three years.

There are, however, good and bad divorces. The good ones don't stop family relationships, minimally affect the emotional and financial state of the spouses and almost do not entail negative consequences for children. Bad divorces destroy a family completely, and children suffer because of it.

Every year in our country, civil registry offices register over half a million divorces. At the same time, in most disintegrating unions there are children who experience this event in their own way.

The divorce of mom and dad can be called one of the the strongest emotional upheaval for a child, no matter what age he is: both the newborn and the accomplished person react to this event in approximately the same way - with misunderstanding, fear of the future, fear of losing an important support in life. At the same time, there are certain differences in how the separation of parents affects children of certain age categories, which cannot be ignored and ignored.

The main problem is that after the termination of the marriage, children remain with one of their parents - either with their mother (which is more common), or with their father. Communication with the parent who lives separately is usually limited, if not completely excluded.

The impact of divorce on children under the age of three

Children under 3 years old differ in that they are just beginning to get acquainted with the world, and therefore they are in dire need of a sense of security in their home and family. A calm and safe environment is all they need. Mother and father teach kids role-playing behaviors, due to which children begin to imitate adults and learn to behave the way society expects them to. Their presence is not only desirable during this period - it Necessarily.

As a rule, the separation of father and mother is preceded by constant conflicts, disagreements, clearly expressed in the form of quarrels. The child experiences a tremendous stress. After a divorce, the level of stress increases significantly. However, until the age of 3, the baby does not know how to express their feelings and emotions verbally (that is, in words), and therefore they begin to demonstrate what they feel through agitated and uncontrollable behavior.

Toddlers up to three years old, however, have a developed imagination. They can imagine that after one parent leaves the family, the other parent will also leave them, leaving them all alone. This is for a boy or girl aged three or more younger age the worst.

When mother and father separate, children under 3 years of age may experience the following: Problems:

1. difficulty falling asleep and sleeping;
2. enuresis (urinary incontinence at night);
3. whims, irritability, tearfulness;
4. difficulties with nutrition and digestion;
5. obsessive fear of being alone, the requirement for one of the adults to always be there.

The impact of divorce on children three to five years old

kids 3 to 5 years, according to general observations, they experience the separation of their parents as acutely as possible, although everything is over, individually. During this period of time, the psychological state of the child is determined by his emotional background. This period is determined by the fact that children fantasize a lot, determine their own outlook on life. They shape their own unique world and trust that their parents will always be there to protect them should the need arise.

As a rule, for children of this age stage, the most important is parent of the opposite sex. The child feels for him the hidden and innocent sexual attraction. This is how the concept of what the ideal partner should be in the future is formed.

If at the age of 3-5 years there is a divorce process between the father and mother, then the children begin to blame themselves for this. Such is their psychology: the belief that the child is the center of the universe and the active development of conscience makes the baby take all the problems on his own account.

In the period under review, as a result of the divorce of parents kids can:

• express a total refusal (from eating, sleeping, playing, going to kindergarten, walks, etc.);
• show signs of decreased self-esteem;
• behave defiantly.

Often they can just get sick for no apparent reason stop showing interest in what you were fond of until recently. It is noticed that such kids can in the game create a fictional world, which is inhabited by aggressive animals or heroes - this is how they try to overcome their fears.

The impact of divorce on children six to nine years old

Guys 6 to 9 years old very much identify with their parents, consider dad and mom ideals, if not idols. It is by following them that boys and girls build their own sex-role model of behavior and relationships with others.

During the described period, parents for children are something whole, indivisible. If the family breaks up and one of the parents leaves, the child experiences a terrible fear that soon he will be left without the second parent. This fear can manifest itself in:

• fearfulness;
• elevated anxiety;
• feeling helplessness, deceit.

Often the separation of parents leads to the fact that quite normal children of primary school age show signs of autism. Many children begin to openly ask mom and dad not to leave.

The impact of divorce on children ten to twelve years old

IN 10-12 years old the world of the child is in a borderline state: on the one hand, he is no longer a baby, but, on the other hand, he cannot yet be called a teenager. The psychology of the child is distinguished by manifestations of black and white morality, that is, extreme polarity.

At this stage, the guys try to find external sources for themselves in order to strengthen their self-esteem, while moving away from the family a little. At the same time they tirelessly looking after parents, and communication with them is still important for future teenagers.

Divorce is always a violation of established family rules, that is, the framework without which a child cannot imagine his existence. Children of such parents feel deceived and unable to change something.

At the age of 9-12, the child already has his own opinion, and therefore, listening to the quarrels of the parents, they make a decision stand on the side of one of them. Thus, the status of "good" is attributed to the father or mother, and the status of "bad" to the second parent. Naturally, the “bad” parent, who, according to the child, is guilty of the breakup of the family, all possible hostility is directed child.

At this age, children do not blame themselves for the divorce, but they secretly hope that if their mother and father really love them, then everything will return to normal and they will be together again.

The Impact of Divorce on Adolescents

Teenagers are complex individuals looking for their place in the world. Adolescence is a very long and controversial period. Psychologists note that at this time, a person’s personality is not only intensively developing - it seems to be born again. This is a kind of crisis, which is very important to survive without unnecessary injuries.

IN 13-18 years old A person changes outwardly, often not for the better. For this reason, they may suffer from certain complexes, feel awkward or awkward. The breakup of a family can be a serious test for a person at this age, which can result in:

• care a teenager from a family;
• criminal behavior;
• suicide or his attempt.

A teenager will not react calmly to the news that his familiar world is collapsing. As a rule, he begins to furiously blame either his father or mother for this, but it also happens that he protests against both mother and father at the same time.

A teenager who has experienced a divorce from mom and dad may experience difficulty in adapting V Everyday life, change your notions of fidelity, love and also about how a family should be. In the future, he begins to value family cohesion less, cannot develop the skills of positive conflict resolution with the opposite sex. In general, he is simply gets embittered.

Benefits of parenting

The baby begins to recognize mother and father already in infancy. Faces and voices are important to him. mother and father play equally important role in raising a child. However, after a divorce, children, as a rule, stay with their mother, and the father ceases to play the same role in their lives, because he cannot be with his son or daughter all the time. Meanwhile, paternal upbringing has undoubted dignity(compared to no such upbringing):

1. Father for son key example. It is the joint pastime with the father that allows the boy to form male character traits. It is important that father and son have common hobbies (such as fishing, skiing, football). It is the father who shows his son how to behave in the company of peers and in relation to women.
2. Father for a boy authority. Without a father, a boy can grow up effeminate and weak. In addition, problems with sexual orientation are not ruled out. If a single mother programs her son to constantly take care of her, will not let go of herself and deprive him of the right to an independent life, then such a son will experience difficulties in creating his own family.
3. For a daughter, the father is ideal man, her first unconscious love. She just needs to get her father's attention in early age not to have problems (for example, in choosing a partner or in self-esteem) in the future.

A mother who raises a child alone often behaves like a man: tough, logical and overly rational. She loses her femininity, ceases to cope with the female role in the family, while not giving her son or daughter a full-fledged replacement for her father.

If a single mother creates an unnecessarily soft atmosphere in the house, then this threatens loss of control over children.

Problems of raising a daughter without a father

Raising a daughter without a husband is very difficult for a woman. Mark the following peculiarities:

1. Often, women who are offended by their ex-spouse instill in their daughters hatred for all males, after which the girl does not want to have anything to do with men. With such an attitude, almost impossible to create a normal family in future. In no case should a daughter be brought up by her mother in an atmosphere of revenge on all men for the insults caused by her ex-husband.
2. Girl sure must experience the love of a father as a child, so that later you can build your own happy family. Psychologists note that the lack of fatherly love pushes girls to early sexual relations, because they seek to experience these unexplored feelings for the opposite sex as early as possible in order to compensate for their lack in childhood. Such girls are distinguished by earlier physiological maturation, they try to look like adults, they strive to love and be loved, but it is extremely difficult for them to build a successful relationship.
3. Girls who grew up without a dad suffer inferiority complex, closed, depressed. They have no one to compare their chosen one with, and therefore they often trust the first person they meet on the principle of “at least someone should need me.”

A mother raising her daughter should in no case interfere with the communication of the girl with her father. If possible, if dad does not communicate with his daughter for one reason or another, the male role in upbringing should be compensated by other men (grandfather, brother, uncle). Mom should talk about her father either in no way, or positively - you can’t attribute negative traits to him.

Questions from our readers and answers from a consultant

It seems to me that after my divorce from my husband, my son blames himself for everything that happened: he constantly asks how he can fix everything, tries to behave perfectly, studies excellently. This was not the case before. What should I do so that he does not feel guilty?

You need to convince the child that what happened is not your son's fault. If a child tries to reconcile his parents on his own, this is really a wake-up call. For example, this may end up with the child trying to get the attention of both parties by doing strange and dangerous things. It will take a very long time for a child to experience guilt, but this moment will come sooner or later. The child will begin to adapt to a new life. Changes emotional state child depends on psychological development, the age of the child and his character. It will not be superfluous to turn to a psychologist for help. All that a child needs now is a confirmation of the love of mom and dad for themselves. You can not force a child to choose one of the parents, you need to give the opportunity to communicate closely with both the father and the mother.

What is harder and worse for a child: constant listening to parental quarrels or a civil separation of mom and dad?

Divorce is a blow to a child. However, in some cases, it may indeed be a more attractive alternative. Divorce can be regarded as a blessing if it changes to best conditions formation of the personality of the child, puts an end to the negative impact on his psyche of marital conflicts. At the same time, parents should understand their responsibility to their son or daughter, which remains with them, despite the break in relations.

When a marriage falls apart, some parents wonder: should we stay together for the sake of our children? Others see divorce as the only saving option. And while all parents face endless challenges (custody, alimony, property division), they are the least worried about how the children experience this situation.

So what are the psychological consequences of divorce for children? A broken family is stressful for all children. Some deal with divorce a little earlier, others a little later. The good news is that parents can take steps to help children heal from trauma and support their emotional well-being.

Here are some supportive parenting strategies to help children adjust to the changes brought about by divorce. Is there anything parents can do to help their children? How does the child's psyche suffer?

The first year after divorce is the hardest.

Divorce rates have risen around the world over the past few decades. More than 40% of children under 16 live in incomplete families.

Studies have shown that children go through a divorce within the first year or two. They suffer, experience anger, anxiety, lose confidence in others. Some children are able to resist such a situation. They quickly get used to the changes in their daily lives, and for some they become comfortable conditions.

Others never seem to return to normal. This small percentage of children may experience permanent—even lifelong—problems after their parents divorce.

The emotional impact of a breakup on children

Divorce creates emotional turmoil for the whole family, but for children, the situation can be quite scary, confusing, and frustrating:

1. Young children often struggle to understand why they should choose between two houses. They may worry that if their parents stopped loving each other, someday they will stop loving them too.
2. Children elementary school may worry that the divorce is their fault. They are afraid that they are misbehaving, or they may assume that they have done something wrong.
3. Teenagers tend to get angry at their parents and the changes they have created. They may blame the father or mother for the dissolution of the marriage, be offended by them because of the turmoil in the family.

Of course, every situation is unique. In extreme circumstances, a child may feel relief from separation if divorce means less stress.

Stressful events associated with the dissolution of a marriage

Divorce usually means that children lose daily contact with one of their parents, most often the father. Reduced contact affects the bond between parent and child. Researchers have found that many children feel distant from their fathers after a divorce.

The dissolution of a marriage also affects the child's relationship with the custodial parent - most often the mother. Studies show that women after divorce become less affectionate and supportive of their children, and discipline is less consistent and effective.

For some children, the separation of their parents is not the hardest part. Instead, the accompanying stressors are what make divorce difficult. Transfer to another school new house Living with a parent who feels frazzled and upset are just some of the additional stressors that make the divorce process difficult.

Financial difficulties are also common after a breakup. Many families are forced to move to small houses, change neighborhoods, face debt and malnutrition.

Remarriages and current adjustments

Most divorced people remarry within 4-5 years. This means that many children are undergoing constant changes in their family life.

Step-parents, half-brothers and sisters can be an even greater test for children. Quite often, both mother and father remarry, which means many changes for the children. The number of failures in the case of the second marriage is even higher than in the case of the first. So, many children have to go through divorce several times over the years.

Problems that may extend into adulthood

For a minority of children, the psychological effects of divorce can be long-lasting. Some research has linked marriage dissolution to worsening mental health problems, substance use, and adult hospitalizations.

Adults who experienced divorce as children tend to have lower educational and professional levels, as well as more employment and economic problems. They experience relationship difficulties.

Divorce can affect academic performance. As a rule, children from incomplete families do not have time to study. They skip classes more often, lose concentration in class, become more passive and lethargic.

Another study found that children in divorced families are more likely to put themselves at risk. Substance use, questionable company, early sexual activity - all this is just the result of endless stress and emotional trauma.

Psychological help: from parents to children

Parents play an important role in how children adjust to divorce. Here are some strategies to help keep children emotionally balanced:

Is it better for children when parents save the marriage?

Despite the fact that divorce is a tough situation for the whole family, maintaining a marriage for the sake of children is not always the best option. Children living in homes with a lot of strife, hostility and resentment may be at higher risk of developing problems mental health and behavioral disorders.

Remember that it is normal for children to struggle with their feelings and behaviors after being separated from a parent. But if the mood of the child and other problems persist for a long time, then it's time to seek help from professionals. Start a conversation with a pediatrician to get to a good psychologist. Individual therapy will help the child deal with emotions and perceptions of the situation.

And what do you think about this?