To be a strong, independent woman means to be able to find your own happiness. This means that self-confidence does not depend on the attitude of any person or society as a whole. This means having emotional independence and the ability to build relationships with others. healthy relationships without becoming dependent. This means learning to express yourself as you are: shy and quiet or assertive and loud. There is no need to try to squeeze yourself into any framework. Read this article about how to embrace the woman you are and want to become.

Steps

Part 1

Put yourself first. If you notice that you are missing something - be it privacy, peace of mind or attention - try to satisfy this need. If you need attention, take a day to pamper yourself in some way. If you need solitude, take time to journal or go for a walk in nature. If you need peace of mind, spend time thinking about what you love about yourself, take yourself to a restaurant for dinner or to a movie. The simpler you are about meeting your own needs and the faster you do it for yourself, the more healthy relationships you will be able to build with other people, since understanding yourself will allow you to better express yourself in front of your partner.

Learn to recognize addictive relationships. If you are a codependent person, you will quickly find that this relationship defines your entire life. Perhaps you are obsessed with thoughts about this person and cannot make your own decisions without consulting him. Start overcoming codependency by being vigilant for the following warning signs:

• Low self-esteem
• Pleasing others
• Blurred personal boundaries
• Reactivity
• Helpfulness
• Control
• Dysfunctional communications
• Alcohol and drug abuse
• Addiction
• Negation
• Inability to spend time alone with oneself
• Painful emotions.

1. Learn to set personal boundaries. Set personal boundaries by making your own needs a priority. For example, set boundaries about how much time you spend with a person, or how much criticism you are willing to accept. Make sure you have other relationships and activities in your life besides romantic relationships: school, work, friends, self-care, or your family.

   • Set personal boundaries in your relationships with people and explain that you have a need for your own independence. Once you agree on certain boundaries, stick to those agreements.

2. Don't let yourself be offended. Regardless of whether you are a man or a woman, in the real world you need to be able to stand up for yourself if you do not want to be constantly taken advantage of by other people. You need to learn not to give yourself offense, both at school and at work, and in any other society. Develop self-confidence. Don't be ashamed of your confidence or apologize for it. Confidence is the golden mean between passivity and aggression.

   Believe in yourself. Believing in your abilities and achievements is empowering. Go for what you need and want. If you lack confidence or constantly play the victim, you run the risk of everyone around you getting their needs met at your expense while you never get what you want.

   When someone hurts your feelings, speak up. If someone somehow hurts you with their betrayal, be sure to tell the person about it. Sharing your emotions can be difficult, especially if you are feeling hurt or angry. But telling the person how you feel can help them prevent similar behavior in the future.

   • For example, you could say, “I was offended when you said you didn’t like my hair. I would be grateful if you would no longer criticize my appearance.”

3. Do not leave disrespectful and offensive comments without your attention. If you hear someone make a disrespectful comment, don't remain silent. There is no need to get into an argument. Let this person know that you did not appreciate what he just said.

4. Recognize your own uniqueness and the uniqueness of those around you. Strive to develop empathy and joy for others, recognizing their unique talents and abilities, and treat yourself the same way! Every woman has her strengths, be it math skills, artistic talent or leadership skills. Accept all your abilities and gifts and love yourself for them.

   Part 2

   Take responsibility for your sexuality

   Part 3

   Take care of your health

   Part 4

   Manage your finances

   Part 5

   Follow your dreams

   Part 6

   Support your community
   • Choosing a particular woman as an example of a strong woman can have an inspiring effect. Such a woman could be one of the family members, a supporter of women's equality, an actress or a politician.
   • Love and respect yourself. What we send into this Universe, as a rule, comes back to us. So be careful what you send out there.

   Sources and resources

   1. Lancer, D. (2013). Symptoms of codependency. PsychCentral. Retrieved from http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/00011992
   2. Coyne, S.M., Linder, J.R., Nelson, D.A., & Gentile, D.A. (2012). ‘Frenemies, fraitors, and mean-em-aitors’: Priming effects of viewing physical and relational aggression in the media on women. Aggressive Behavior, 38(2), p. 141-149. doi: 10.1002/ab.21410
   3. Ostrov, J.M., Hart, E.J., Kamper, K.E., Godleski, S.A. (2011). Relational aggression in women during emerging adulthood: A social processes model. Behavioral Sciences & The Law, 29(5), 695-710. doi:10.1002/bsl.1002
   4. Stevens, T. G. (2014). Assertive communication skills to create understanding and intimacy. Retrieved from

If by the age of 30 a woman has not had time to start a family and children, it is generally accepted that she has devoted herself to a career or study. Such women often occupy good positions, receive a decent salary and have a good social status in society. They give the impression of strong women, independent of men. Such women are independent and successful in business.

But this independence also has back side. After 30, it becomes increasingly difficult for a woman to find a spouse, an organism that has often been subjected to stressful situations is no longer as fresh as in my youth and the chance of having children decreases every year.

In addition, men are afraid of strong and independent women after 30, since it is almost impossible to re-educate them, their character has already been formed and a man risks becoming henpecked with such an “iron lady” or living in constant confrontation with her. As a result, often successful and independent women with age are left to while away the evenings with their pets, for some reason these are most often cats, and the TV.

At home they are greeted by one or more four-legged pets, and independent and proud women have to face old age with them. But stupid principles or pride do not allow you to admit your desire to change something. It is difficult for such women to submit to a man and accept his opinion as authoritative.

Old age is often unenviable for such women - a TV and a dozen cats. Of course, often in old age they have financial savings and housing, but, alas, there is no one to leave it all to, except the same cats.

Strong independent man.

Unlike strong and independent women, a strong and independent man has nothing by the age of 30. He doesn’t have a normal job because working for his “uncle” is beneath him. He often has no education, because “to spend best years in his youth he considers it stupid to study.”
Well, a strong and independent man successfully got out of the army, since they wouldn’t take him into the army with his health.

An independent man most often lives with his mother, because “all women are the same, and only mother is worthy of love.”
If such a man lives alone, then his wardrobe and diet are quite typical - a greasy T-shirt, holey socks, full refrigerator beer and dumplings and of course my favorite sagging sofa in front of the computer monitor.

A strong and independent man believes that no woman is worthy of possessing such a “treasure” as he does. His interests are limited online games, primitive low-paid work and alcohol.

In general, such a man treats women arrogantly and condescendingly. This is necessary to hide panic fear before serious relationship and the opposite sex. Women need to be looked after, cared for and loved, but a strong and independent man himself wants to be looked after, adored and “spoon fed”.

A strong and independent man is not spoiled by home-cooked food and clean clothes, so he considers these to be unnecessary extras.

Journalist Alla Bogolepova and her cat Karlush

I have a cat.

In his passport, in the “Breed” column, there are two letters: BP. It means "mongrel". But we issued a passport a long time ago, since then times have changed, and Rosselkhoznadzor employees now put the politically correct “mestizo” mark on exit certificates.

So, I have a cat, BP, that is, a mixed breed. The color, again, according to the passport, is “striped”. This cat appeared in our house six years ago - he simply followed me at the bus stop. A terribly dusty teenage cat with huge transparent ears and disproportionately long legs. Ungainly, skinny, long-nosed, he, nevertheless, was clearly not entirely streetwise: he knew the stall and was not afraid of people. Sometimes I call him Carlos the Dacherborn, because this cat is clearly one of those who was brought to the city after summer holidays and then thrown out into the street. Because an animal on a summer cottage and an animal in a small two-room apartment are completely different animals.

We didn’t need a cat: we worked a lot and traveled a lot, and besides, we just bought a new sofa. And from the sight of the dusty... well, not exactly ugly, but far from handsome!.. we were not delighted. To be honest, we just didn't have the heart to kick him out. And he stayed.

As I said, a lot has changed since then. Firstly, the thin, dusty idiot has turned into an imposing adult cat, and it is already difficult for us to imagine our life without him. This happens when you meet someone who is truly “one of your own” - be it a person or an animal. It begins to seem to you that this “yours” has always been, from the very beginning of time.

Secondly, social networks have become firmly entrenched in our lives. As with my cat, it seems to me that they have always been there. A long time ago, when the cat first appeared, I ran a LiveJournal - in fact, it was his readers who persuaded him to leave the “alien” then. But LiveJournal is not some kind of Facebook or Instagram, LiveJournal of a person who claimed an audience, demanded texts. Posting only pictures was considered bad manners. Today's platforms have far fewer requirements. They are convenient, concise and notify you of any updates in almost real time.

Thirdly, we now have the ability to shoot, process and upload content with just a few taps on the screen. If you want a photo, if you want a video. And it is not at all surprising that pets - in my case a cat - have become firmly established in our accounts. “Cats,” even if they are dogs, fish or birds, make up about a third of popular online content. They are cute, funny and lift your spirits.

And also - and this is fourthly - I am now over forty. And because more and more people are looking at my cat through the prism of my age.

Cat? Do you have children? No? Well, everything is clear.

Cat? Is the woman over forty? Lonely, probably just lonely.

Two cats? And unmarried? Well, in five years there will be about eight cats.

An amazing paradox: everyone loves cats, but at the same time, it is cats who live in the collective unconscious as a symbol of female loneliness and lack of demand.

A forty-year-old woman with cats. Crazy cat lady.

Not a dog person, mind you. Not a fan of rodents. It's the cat lady.

A terrible future that is predicted for almost every woman over forty: if you don’t immediately get married and have a child, you will have ten cats and die alone. And for some reason, the cats that appear in this gloomy algorithm are necessarily garbage cats. No one will say “you’ll get ten Maine Coons” or “ten bobtails.” They usually say “you’ll get cats from garbage dumps.”

How did it happen that these proud, independent, beautiful and intelligent animals became something of a brand of failure? A friend of mine, an everyday soothsayer who loves to scare women with cats, has a theory. Briefly, it boils down to the fact that a woman who has not gotten married before forty is so worthless that only cats can tolerate her - due to the fact that, unlike dogs, they are supposedly not attached to people and perceive them only and exclusively as way of survival. With a dog, you know, there’s a relationship. A dog requires emotional investment. What about cats, they don’t care who fills the bowl with food. Perfect option for a flawed old aunt who is so emotionally insufficient that she neither got married nor gave birth to children.

To put it bluntly, this is a worthless theory. The “soothsayer” has been virtually beaten more than once for her, especially for that part of her that can be called a warning: you often say something about your cat, isn’t this a sign that it’s time for you to take care of your personal life before you get a second one and third?

All this would be funny if it weren’t for the fact that we, forty-year-old “cat ladies”, will be pricked by our own cats. From time to time, quite often, I get questions: why are you running around with your cat like that? Why are you dragging him around with you? He’s like a child to you? Are you fulfilling your maternal instinct? Are you sublimating? No, he is, of course, handsome, but you talk about him too much, as if you are trying to fill some kind of emptiness.

Sometimes I want to answer: maybe the emptiness in your head. But this is impolite and untrue, because how can I know what is there in the head of a stranger. Therefore, I patiently explain that zoomotherhood, that is, parental feelings for an animal and the corresponding model of behavior, is not the rule, but rather a sad exception. That for the vast majority of women, having a cat is not the same as having a child. That it is a cat, an independent creature that cannot be trained, that is least suitable for the role of a conventional “child”.

But you post photos of your cat almost every day.

Yes, because he is beautiful and photogenic, and it brings me joy to look at these pictures and when others look at them. Carlos has an expressive face, he can look hilarious or majestic, and he is a pleasure to shoot.

But when they take pictures of you together, you look so happy, as if you were hugging your own child. First of all, I've seen quite a lot a large number of women who don't look happy hugging their own child. Secondly, why should I look unhappy at those moments when the being for whom I am responsible shows me affection and trust? Besides the fact that it is very pleasant physically - and cats are pleasant, and everyone knows it! - I feel some pride in myself. Because I am an adult who copes well with the responsibility I once accepted.

But you take it with you, spend money on its transportation, on documents and God knows what else. Are you emotionally dependent and cannot live without your cat for a day?

Can. But I don’t want to, because over the years that this cat has been living in our house, I have formed habits. I’m used to falling asleep feeling the weighty body of a cat on my feet. I'm used to waking up to his purring. When I'm sad, the cat comes and lies on my lap, and it cheers me up. Yes, I don't want to do without all this, because I really like it all. And I also carry it with me when I go away for a long time - because, again, this is how I understand responsibility.

Your cat is more important to you than people!

But here I have nothing to object to. My cat is truly dearer to me than the vast majority of people. Mostly because I spend a lot more time with him than with any other biped. I am attached to him, I am proud of him, and he gives me much more joy than many people. And certainly less negative.

I patiently and as kindly as possible explained all this until I understood two things.

Firstly, it makes no sense to prove your feminine and human worth to someone who has long made attachment to an animal a marker of loneliness and dissatisfaction.

Secondly, it makes no sense to prove anything to someone who, unlike me, humanizes a cat. Yes, my cat Carlos is joy in its purest form, it is love that is not overshadowed by spending on doctors, difficult flights, or damaged furniture. I put up with cat hair all over the house, with loud night moth hunting, with damaged furniture. I erase without complaint sofa cushions and I don’t think that the cat should be punished or limited in any way. But not because I am a lonely, unhappy aunt who has nowhere else to get love and nowhere to put her need to care. It’s just that for me a cat is a cat, and approaching it with the same standards as a person is, to put it mildly, stupid.

And finally, one small observation: people who believe that a forty-year-old woman with a cat, childless and unmarried, is unable to build relationships with members of her species, are not very successful in this themselves. Cats, of course, are not people, but they, like people, are all different. With some it works out. With others - no. You can live in perfect harmony with a cat, but you may not have the same personalities. And this is not a question of loneliness. This is a question of “yours or not yours.” Matched or didn't match. I'm lucky. The dusty garbage kitten turned out to be absolutely “mine.”

And the fact that I love him, and I film a lot, and post it online; what I like to say about him; The fact that I worry about his health does not mean that I am filling some kind of void. Actually, this only says one thing: I have a cat. And you, who, out of a false sense of superiority, label people like me as “crazy cat ladies” - no.

By the way, life hack: only cats can demonstrate real, genuine, natural superiority over all things. Watch. Learn. And somehow it comes out rather unconvincingly.

tell friends

For some time now, humor about “blondes” has begun to be replaced by humor about “strong, independent women.”
A strong independent woman is 30-40 years old, she has no husband and children, no lover and five cats.

In the popular consciousness feminine power initially associated with something bad and dysfunctional. Then the Scarecrow whispered in a faded voice: " Strong woman crying at the window...", then the people sarcastically:

or dramatizes

or drags in esotericism

in short, female strength is not in itself a sign of well-being from the point of view of popular rumor.

But there is a strong woman - the mother of the family, she drags everyone on her shoulders. In general, such a woman is still somehow satisfactory. After all, her power is of benefit to those at home. They are behind her like behind a stone wall. And in general, there is an idea in the popular consciousness: she looks strong, but is powerless in front of a man. And then her feminine weakness wakes up! Even if the man is a laughing stock.

But this is not the case with a strong independent woman. Not only is she strong, she also doesn’t want to depend on anyone, but wants to live for herself!
It’s clear that everything is bad with her in the popular consciousness. This is all just a brave appearance, but in reality...

It is impossible for people to believe that she alone is fine. Therefore, she replaced the missing man and children with a bunch of cats. In short, this is a modernized image of Bluestocking, a feminist. And the more time passes, the more cats she has, and the less happiness she has. Insanity is progressing, so to speak. By the number of cats, you can count the years without sex with a macho man or at least with the neighbor's jerk:

A strong, independent woman is actually just a loser, because she has no career. These are all excuses. This is how people see her career ladder:

This is how it all starts, harmlessly. I gaped - and hello...

Well, it became a buffet and candy period

What a blessing, someone is lucky! There is only one cat, otherwise everything will be lost...

otherwise - seals until the end of days...

Today Gal said: wait a minute, where is the alternative version? Let's say there's a joke about a strong independent woman in a store before Valentine's Day: canned food for the cat and romantic candles. No, let's look into the purse of an addicted woman, shall we? And what's in there? Is it better? diapers or pregnancy test or Vaseline for anal sex...

someone drew it here. Now imagine picture #1 without a bunch of cats. Which of these two women has more opportunities in life? Well, it's kind of obvious to me...

Why is a strong independent woman always pictured with a bunch of cats? Yes, because without cats everything is too good and in order with her. And there's nothing to laugh about. Well, yes, you can draw her, let’s say, drunk and covered in snot. So what? sobers up, washes himself and is back on horseback. After all, freedom is opportunities, and family is already definite choice, you made it and exchanged opportunities for it. Not that that's a bad thing. These are just different realities. And uncertainty, the incompleteness of choice gives a lot of energy, if you don’t start to feel complex and afraid.

People usually laugh at what they are afraid of.
This makes it easier for them to reduce the significance of their fear.

And I can understand why people are afraid of the image of a strong, independent woman.
1. Single women are often afraid of loneliness. The idea that you can be a happy bachelor only exists for men. Since childhood, we have been brainwashed into thinking that a woman’s happiness is in a relationship, otherwise she is a dried up branch. And single women supposedly joke about themselves. But in reality, it seems to me that they want to say: “I laugh at crazy feminists, I’m not with them, I’m not like them! This is temporary for me.” Those truly content with loneliness do not post this humor. But many are forced to be independent; this is not their real choice. And they disown singles: I’m not with you.

2. Women in relationships are afraid of strong competition.
On average, a woman without children more money and time for herself, more opportunity to do what she wants, study, travel. Anything can happen, but in general this is the case. Yes, even if she’s with a cat, she’s “beautiful and brave” and she’s not just 40 years old and she doesn’t have five cats at once, but even if she’s 40, and then the man has a crisis... and he went to live with a neighbor of the same age without children. “wife and mistress” is a classic of the genre. Lonely means she can take away a man, no matter what she says, that’s how the thought usually works.

3. Weak men are afraid to appear so-so compared to strong women.
IMHO strong men like strong, determined women. But if the peasant is complex, then the bullshit begins: I’m a man and a bunch of gender chauvinist crap. Yes, because this is his only defense. It’s easier for a weak man to console himself: yes, she will end up as an old maid with cats, that’s all wrong with her! While strong man He won’t talk like that, he’s a match for such a woman.

4. People who have lived their lives on cliches are afraid of the collapse of templates.
There are people who, like zombies, insist that everyone needs families and children. In this matter, they instantly lose their minds and adequacy. Usually they also like to say that things were better before. And these are not necessarily old people, they may be 20 years old, they may not even know how they used to be. But they want a stable, correct world, where a woman follows a man and has many children. They themselves may not live like this, but they want to see a pastoral picture nearby. They were taught that way, they understand it that way. And anything else causes them a storm of irritation, fear and anxiety: the apocalypse has come!

What's behind the cat stereotype?

Not alone, but sovereign

Society puts the blame on single women. “Forty cats” is just an inch, the metaphor hides a whole bunch of stereotypes. Today we dig up the roots and water them with herbicide.

I don't like the word "lonely" when applied to a woman who lives alone. Loneliness is not marital status, but emotional condition. Loneliness is felt by people who feel the need for positive emotional connections, but do not have them. Many of us know that living with parents, spouses or other relatives does not guarantee intimacy. On the contrary, some relationships are so toxic that it is safer to live “alone.” And some people just like to live separately from everyone.

Why is loneliness scary?

Man, like many primates, began as a pack animal. Together it is easier to defend against enemies, obtain resources and raise offspring. In the animal kingdom, expulsion from a group almost always means death.

How are humans different from primates? For example, by inventing means to describe the transfer of knowledge: speech and writing. And by learning to produce and improve tools. Because he has built a civilization - a world where he no longer needs to huddle in groups to survive. Now he is not alone, even if he is alone. Someone sewed his jeans, someone prepared him breakfast in a cafe, someone brought groceries to the store near his house, someone drives the minibus in which he goes to work, someone wrote an SMS, someone liked the photo on social networks. We can communicate with friends without leaving home. It’s very cool that we are completely dependent on civilization, and at the same time we feel independent. And in order to survive, an adult no longer needs a family. We have turned from pack animals to loners. And we love it!

Why is family persistently associated with something vital?

Family as a component of happiness

We really need a family while we are children. Ideally, our relatives provide us with resources, look after us, teach us, develop us, and protect us. We are, after all, taught to love. In life, it happens that within the family a child receives portions of violence that are incommensurate with the outside world. Children run away from such families as soon as they get the opportunity. And today you can leave your father’s house at 18, and not be.

But also in loving family adult children stay less and less often: they prefer to be free from adults. They rent their own place and visit their parents when they miss them. I already believe that the patriarchal scheme of society has stopped working: the authority of the parent has weakened, families are becoming smaller, children are moving far from the parental home, marriages are occurring at an increasingly mature age.

Patriarchy has learned to see happiness in the family. Modern people find it in doing what they love. But if family is a stereotypical indicator of happiness, then why does society stigmatize “single” women over thirty and leave men alone?

The watch was worn

In a patriarchal society, a woman's only fulfillment is marriage and motherhood. Women are deprived of the right to work and education. Its role is to produce, educate, serve. Its value: and hymen. A man has access to professional fulfillment without a family. Everyone understands that even an inferior man can get married at any time, and a woman is in demand only while she is young and attractive. And the more time passes, the more it loses in value on the bride market.

It's funny, but this still works in the era of women on the ISS! So, we are getting close to the cats.

40

This is how many cats a lonely, aging woman gets in order to somehow compensate for the lack of a family. When you add “a strong and independent woman” to cats, you turn the phrase into an oxymoron. Since any woman supposedly depends on her maternal instinct and always wants to take care of someone. The expression is young, barely 7 years old. I hear in him the resentment of a collective man against a collective woman who refused to play ping-pong with him and went to work. The man says: since I am no longer in demand as an inseminator, I will disqualify the woman under the article... under the article... Ah! I will disqualify you under the women's clause! I will make a pathetic and comical image out of the image of a self-sufficient independent woman. This makes it less offensive to go through this difficult period of social restructuring. The period in which the man was more disoriented than the woman.

Much of what they grow up with modern man, do not need anymore. The men are confused and scared. They are angry, they are aggressive. They are brought up to believe that they are the best, but this confidence melts with every meeting they meet. successful woman. Some people have something to do, while others succumb to the temptation to find and neutralize the culprits. The agonizing patriarchy throws “monkeys with a grenade,” “forty cats,” and other poop at women.