WHO IS THE HEAD IN THIS HOUSE?
Jokes about family and marriage
Title: Buy the book "Who's the Boss in the House?.. Jokes about Family and Marriage": feed_id: 5296 pattern_id: 2266 book_author: _huddles book_name: Who's the boss?.. Jokes about family and marriage
Kissing your wife is one pleasure, but kissing someone else's is another.
* * *
One man asks a friend whose wife left him:
- Do you regret?
– Why should I feel sorry for someone else’s man? Let him suffer.
* * *
“Can you imagine, I come home, and there is my wife and her lover, and both of them have such cunning, cunning eyes!” Well, I figured it out: without undressing, I go straight to the refrigerator. I open it and it’s true: you drank all the compote, you bastards.
* * *
My husband comes home at 4 am. Wife:
- And where were we?
“Can you imagine, dear, I was on my way to work in a trolleybus, a beautiful young girl pressed up against me, well, I couldn’t stand it, I invited her to a restaurant: we drank, talked, and she offered to spend the night with her...
- Well, that's enough. Again I played preference with my friends all night.
* * *
The husband returns home in the morning, completely drunk. Wife:
– Stayed late after work with colleagues: were you celebrating someone’s birthday?
The husband, barely able to stand on his feet:
- How smart you are.
The next day, the husband returns home again in the morning, his fly unbuttoned, his shirt inside out, his entire neck covered in lipstick, slightly tipsy. Wife:
- Well, where have you been hanging around all night?
- Darling, you’re so smart, come up with something.
* * *
A married man comes to his wife after a long absence due to a trip to Japan:
- Hurry, quickly undress, get into bed.
She was delighted, immediately undressed and lay down, and her husband covered her with a blanket and said:
– Look how my new watch glows.
* * *
25 years since the wedding. The wife says to her husband:
“Vasya, we’re having such a holiday, and you’ve never even taken me to a restaurant in our entire married life.” Maybe let's go in honor of the anniversary, huh?
- What are you, wife, where does this money come from?
- And I saved my salary.
- Yes, I have nothing to wear.
– Vasya, I thought of everything: I borrowed a suit from a neighbor.
- Well, thank you, and how are you?
– And I took an evening dress from Svetka.
- OK.
They approach the restaurant. Doorman:
– Good evening, your table is as usual.
The wife is perplexed. They sit down at the table. The waiter approaches:
- Shall we order as always?
The wife doesn't understand anything. At this time the singer is on stage:
– And now Vasya’s favorite song!
The wife still can't believe her ears. There's a stripper at the pole:
- Well, who are our panties today?
Everyone present in the restaurant:
The wife is shocked:
- We're coming home!
Starts a scandal in a taxi. Taxi driver:
- Well, Vasya, you picked up a bitch today.
* * *
Friends talking at work:
- Listen, Petrovich, you look bad today, did you have a good time yesterday?
- No, I just didn’t get enough sleep. You know, my wife snores like that.
- We know, but who told you?
* * *
The husband quickly rushes home, rushes to his wife and kisses her deeply, receives a passionate kiss back and asks:
- Well, now tell me: how do you find me without a mustache?
“Oh, it’s you,” the wife answers disappointedly.
* * *
The husband returns home from a business trip, but first he decided to go to his neighbor:
- Well, no one came to see my wife?
- No, I didn’t come.
- What, no one, no one?
- Well, then I won’t go.
* * *
The ensign returns home. His wife asks him:
- Why do you have lipstick on your panties?
- Yes, I was sitting on my lip.
* * *
My husband returns home from a business trip and sees a bunch of naked men hanging around the apartment. They drink and play cards. He runs into the bedroom, and there on the bed there is a naked wife and several naked men. The husband was dumbfounded, and the wife, seeing him, said:
- Well, now the reproaches and suspicions will begin again...
* * *
Another family quarrel:
- And in general, who is the boss in the house?
- Me, what? - the wife answers.
- No, nothing, I just asked.
* * *
A man talking to friends at work:
– Yesterday I had a fight with my wife again.
- Well, how did it all end?
- Yes, she crawled to me on her knees... Get out, she says, you brute, from under the bed.
* * *
Doorbell. The husband opens it.
“I am the woman strangler from Boston,” says the masked man on the threshold.
The husband turns and shouts:
- Darling, they came to see you.
* * *
The husband returns home unexpectedly and sees his wife naked in bed and the window open. Looking out the window, he finds nothing, suspects something is wrong and asks:
- Where is he?
- Who? – the wife asks in surprise.
- Lover?
- Yes, there is no lover here.
- Yes, but whose pants with a propeller are on the chair?
* * *
After dinner, the husband says to his wife:
“Darling, everything was very tasty, but the cutlets are like that – you can only see them through a microscope.”
- Of course, dear, I cooked them according to a recipe from a magazine from 1980, and it says: “Take 2 rubles worth of meat...”
* * *
The wife, looking out the window, says thoughtfully:
- It is raining...
The husband, without looking up from the TV, says:
- Say that I’m not at home...
* * *
One man's wife took a lover, and her husband began a friendly relationship with him. One day the lover comes, as usual, he goes to his wife, the husband makes coffee and takes it to the bedroom, while he sits in the kitchen and waits. The lover returned and lit a cigarette. Husband asks:
- Well, is everything okay?
– Coffee, yes, but my wife is a little cold today.
– Yes, she wasn’t too active during her lifetime.
* * *
– My friend’s husband always kisses her in the morning when he goes to work.
“I could do this too, but I don’t know your friend.”
* * *
– Do you really want to divorce your wife, after all, you have lived with her for 20 years?
- So, you think I didn’t suffer with her enough?
* * *
Husband to wife:
- Honey, I can’t find my tie. Where did you put the wardrobe?
* * *
A drunken husband comes home.
-Where have you been, you bastard?
- At the cemetery.
- What, someone died?
“You won’t believe it, everyone died there.”
* * *
The husband comes running from work to his wife, all excited:
– Honey, our Tamagotchi got pregnant.
The wife looks at her husband in surprise, he points to the screen on which it is written: “Darling, I’m pregnant.”
- Fool, this is your pager!
* * *
After a year of married life, the husband says to his wife:
“Of course, I don’t deny that before the wedding I promised you mountains of gold, but about any washing machine there was no conversation!
* * *
“New Russian” comes to the store:
- Show me the fur coat.
– It doesn’t matter, my wife will come to change it anyway.
* * *
The wife says to her husband:
- To another doctor.
* * *
“Please, sit quietly for a minute,” the husband turns to his wife in the car. “I can’t figure out if I managed to start the engine.”
* * *
The wife came to pick up her husband at the pub. He is outraged:
“After all, it’s just insulting, why do you always immediately go straight here?!” Why don't you ever look for me, say, in a museum?
* * *
Two friends are talking:
– Is it true that you have decided to return to your husband?
- Yes, I can’t calmly watch how this scoundrel lives for his own pleasure.
* * *
Husband to wife:
“It seems that I have gained a lot of weight, my collar has become tight.”
“I’m surprised how you managed to get your head into your shirt sleeve?”
* * *
Husband to wife in bed:
– I took my son to school in the morning, prepared lunch... What else did I want to tell you? A! I washed the floors, vacuumed the carpets... What else did I want to tell you? A! I washed everything, dried it, ironed it... What else did I want to tell you? A! You ruined my whole life, you bastard!
* * *
A drunk husband comes home. Knocking.
- Who is this?
- Log!
The door opens, the husband stumbles in, falls and says:
- And now - we drank.
* * *
A prisoner writes a letter to his wife: “Darling, thank you very much for the file in the bun. Now I have the best-groomed nails in the whole cell.”
* * *
My husband has lost his wallet with a large amount of money and is rummaging through all his pockets. The wife calmly asks:
– Did you look in your trousers?
- And in a jacket?
– Did you look in the inner pockets?
- Why?
“If it’s not there either, I’ll have a heart attack.”
* * *
A man with burnt ears came to see a doctor.
- What's happened? - asks the doctor.
“You understand,” says the patient. – I was watching a football match on TV, and my wife was ironing. She placed the iron near the phone, and when it rang, I grabbed the iron instead of the receiver.
The doctor nodded his head in understanding.
- Well, what happened to the other ear?
- So this guy called again.
* * *
Sitting on a bench old man 60 years old and crying. A young passer-by approaches him and asks:
- Why are you crying, grandpa?
- You see, I still have a wife in my apartment - young, 25 years old, beautiful, cooks, loves me madly...
- So what's up?
- I forgot the address.
* * *
“Have you by any chance seen my husband here?” We were supposed to meet three hours ago.
-What does he look like?
- Well, I think he’s all green with anger.
* * *
The husband comes home angry in the evening and says to his wife:
- It's all your fault! Sending me to Parent meeting and you don’t tell me what school our son goes to.
* * *
One friend says to another:
“I’ve become so absent-minded lately.” For example, this morning I kissed an egg and hit my wife on the forehead with a spoon.
* * *
Two friends are talking.
“When my husband treats me badly, I scare him that I’m going to my mother,” says one.
– And I, on the contrary, say that I will take my mother with me.
* * *
A wife complains to her husband about her son's behavior:
- He became unbearable. Listens to advice from various idiots. Talk to him, please.
* * *
Husband to wife on pay day:
- In the West they laugh at such a salary, but you cry.
* * *
Wife to husband:
“That’s it, I don’t want to live like this anymore.” And don’t try to persuade me, I’ll throw myself out of the window anyway... And don’t push me.
* * *
The wife returns home from England. Her husband meets her at the plane's exit.
- Hello, Peter! – the wife shouts joyfully, running down the stairs.
Suddenly, unexpectedly, her husband hits her in the face:
“This is for being a lout, but you’ll get home for being a faggot.”
* * *
Two friends talking:
“And I haven’t talked to my wife for two years now.”
- What, did you have a fight?
- No, I just don’t want to interrupt her.
* * *
A Chukchi married a French woman, they ask him:
- Well, how is your wife?
– Nice wife.
- What about the language?
– The language is good, but very scatty.
* * *
A wife, husband and six-year-old son are wading a river. In the middle of the river the water was already chest-deep, the wife became worried:
- Lord, where is our son?
“Don’t worry,” the husband replies. “I’m holding his hand.”
* * *
Two friends are talking:
– Ilona, do you love your husband?
- Of course, I generally like men.
* * *
A husband complains to a friend:
– My wife is a gymnast. She tortures me at night, as soon as she starts with her tricks, I get motion sickness.
- Try to have her on top.
- Even worse: she crushed all my bones.
- Then - on the side.
“But I can’t see the TV from the side.”
* * *
One very large woman married a midget. The next day she comes to work covered in bruises. Colleagues ask her:
“Did he really beat you up on the first night?”
- No, he ran all over me all night and shouted: “Is this really all mine?!”
* * *
The wife scolds her husband:
- Well, you are selfish! “My apartment, my car, my children...” Everything is ours here. Ours, do you understand? By the way, what are you rummaging around there?
- I'm looking for our trousers.
* * *
The wives of two policemen are talking:
- And my husband is impotent.
- And mine is still a sergeant.
* * *
The husband says to his wife:
- Give me three rubles.
- I won’t give it to you, you’ll drink them away.
In the evening, the wife comes home, but there are no geese. Asks:
The husband answers:
“The geese have flown south, and if you don’t give me three rubles, the sheep will go to the mountains.”
* * *
Forest. The wife found a large white mushroom and asked her husband:
- Dear, is this an edible mushroom?
– As long as you haven’t prepared anything from it, yes.
* * *
An angry husband bursts into the house:
- Where is he?! I will kill him!
- Honey, what are you doing? There's no one here.
- I'll find him! Son, help me find the guy.
The son crawls under the bed.
- Uncle Vasya, have you seen the guy?
* * *
A husband and wife lie on the beach and follow each woman with their eyes.
- Aren `t you ashamed?! You are with me! - the wife says indignantly.
– Just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't look at the menu.
* * *
The husband suspected his wife of infidelity and hired a private detective to keep an eye on her. After some time, the detective came to report on the work done:
“They talked, drank and began to undress.
- Oh, this damned unknown.
* * *
-What is a husband?
- This is a business lover.
* * *
– What is marital status?
– This is when the husband drinks champagne and the wife hisses.
* * *
Two friends talking:
– You heard that Sergei’s wife left him.
- Well, how is he?
– Now he has calmed down a little, but at first he was beside himself with joy.
* * *
My husband went on a business trip and decided to return unexpectedly. He comes home and there are three huge bags standing at the doorstep. He kicked one bag, and from there: “Bee-e.”
- Okay, let's make a barbecue.
He kicked another bag, and from there: “Oink-oink.”
- Not bad, let's smoke the ham.
The third kicked - silence. He kicked again, and from the bag came:
– Isn’t it clear? If he’s silent, that means he’s a potato.
* * *
– Izya, I heard you married a Russian?
- What for?
– You know, Jewish women often get sick...
– You might think that Russians don’t get sick!
“They get sick, of course, but you don’t feel so sorry for them.”
* * *
“I can’t live with such a bore,” the husband explains in court during the divorce proceedings. – Imagine: I sit down to watch the May Day demonstration on TV, and she stands next to me and itches: “When will you remove the Christmas tree? When will you remove the tree?
* * *
Wife to husband:
“I need to talk to you about business, but I can’t - you’re always drunk.”
“It’s a strange thing: I’ve been drinking forever, but you can’t talk.” I don't understand anything...
* * *
A husband returning home from fishing to his wife:
- Is the cat at home?
- Come in, I bought him some sprat.
* * *
The wife shouts at her husband:
“Do you know what we could buy with the money you spend on cigarettes?”
“I know: a fur coat for you, but nothing for me.”
* * *
Two friends meet. One says to the other:
– My wife is impossibly capricious! She demanded that I buy her a new swimsuit for her vacation. And only because the old one has a tiny hole in his knee.
* * *
My husband comes home again in the morning. He looks and there are suitcases at the door.
- Wife, has someone come to see us?
– Are you planning to leave somewhere?
- You are a fool! You're the one leaving...
* * *
The wife tells her husband:
“Today I didn’t have enough money, so I went into your office and, since you weren’t in your office, I took five hundred rubles from your jacket pocket.”
– It’s okay, dear, because I’ve been working in another office for a month now.
* * *
The husband comes home hungry:
- Wife, let me eat!
- Say the magic word.
- Run, motherfucker!!!
* * *
Two friends met. One complains to the other:
- What a damn wife! As soon as I don’t come home, I immediately say: “Well, breathe!”
“And you do as I do,” says the other, “breathe as hard as possible.”
- What about your wife?
- Faints.
* * *
A recently married daughter complains to her mother:
– You know, mommy, yesterday I made a pie for Vitalik. Yes, so beautiful - like an apple. And he took it and hit me on the head with this pie... like a stone.
* * *
Two friends meet at a resort:
“I’m still here with the same ulcer.”
- And I left my wife at home.
* * *
A pale maid runs into the room:
- Madam! Your husband lies lifeless in the middle of the living room. He has some paper in his hand, and next to it is a package.
– The mink coat I ordered has finally arrived!
* * *
Two friends talking:
– Why are you giving your wife such an expensive set for her birthday?
- So that she never trusts me to wash the dishes.
* * *
The husband says to his wife:
“I know, my dear, you may not believe me, but I ate all the lunch you prepared myself.”
* * *
The wife says to her husband:
“I can imagine what terrible suspicions appeared in your head when I disappeared from home for two days!”
- Yes, I had a presentiment that you would return.
* * *
My wife plays the violin all evening. The husband couldn't stand it:
- OK! Stop it! I'll buy you a new fur coat.
* * *
One man talks to his friends:
– Yesterday I cooked dumplings for the first time in my life, and my wife immediately said: “What an unusual taste, what an unusual taste!” Don't let him meow at five in the morning!
* * *
Friends talking:
- My wife is kind of strange.
- And what’s strange about it?
- And she has a braid below her waist.
- Well, what's strange about that?
- So there are no braids above the waist.
* * *
A man introduces his new friends very overweight woman:
- Meet me. This is my wife. Where the brooch is, there is the front.
* * *
Friends are talking.
- You know, my wife is very... beautiful woman. Just pure Venus.
- Well, it can’t be. Venus is the goddess of beauty.
- Well, Venus is not Venus, but still there is something venereal in her.
* * *
- Listen, Sarah. When our neighbor Khaimovich changed his furniture, we also bought a new set,” Abram tells his wife. “As soon as he brought a new big-screen TV, you forced me to do the same.” Remember how much the new car we bought because of him cost! Well, God bless him. But I don’t know what to do now?!
- What, at Khaimovich’s again? new purchase?
- No, darling! He has a new wife.
* * *
Friends talking:
– Yesterday I took my wife to the zoo.
- Well, did you take it?
* * *
Wife to husband:
- Dear, please take this letter to the post office.
“But it’s so rainy outside, a good owner won’t even let his dog go outside.”
“And I’m not asking you to take your dog with you.”
* * *
On the auction:
“Sold for ten thousand to the woman in the right row covering her husband’s mouth.”
* * *
Chukchi scolds his wife:
- You, woman, are as stupid as a tree! - and bangs his fist on the table: “Knock-knock-knock.”
- Oh, someone has come.
- Sit, you fool, I’ll open it myself.
* * *
While in Moscow, the Chukchi lost his wife. The tracker's experience did not help, and he turned to the police. The duty officer asks for signs of the lost woman.
“I didn’t lose my mark, I lost my wife,” the Chukchi answers.
“Well, I have a wife,” says the duty officer, “blonde, tall, slender, with ample breasts.” And you?
“No,” says the Chukchi, “my little one, stooped, with crooked legs... Come on, let’s look for yours.”
* * *
A company of fishermen and their wives gathered on the lake. Men are all about work and work. The wives couldn't stand it:
– What are you chatting about at work then?
- Yes, everything about fishing, about fish, about women...
* * *
The wife says to her fisherman husband:
– Do you remember how nine months ago you took a vacation to fish for trout?
- Yes, I remember, but what?
- Today one of the trout called and said that you became a father...
* * *
Two friends meet:
– Listen, hasn’t your wife been to Paris?
- No, she wasn’t, some hooligan taught her here.
* * *
-Where did you get this on your trousers? blond hair? - the wife asks her husband.
- Probably got stuck on the tram...
– Is he related to your blond secretary?
- Nonsense, I always take off my pants.
* * *
“I was outraged when I found out that Peter ran away with your wife.” I thought he was yours best friend.
“He is my best friend, but he doesn’t know it yet.”
* * *
Two friends talking over a glass of gin:
“They say you taught your wife to play bridge?”
– Yes, you know, it was a great idea, last Wednesday, for example, I won half my salary from her.
* * *
One man asks another:
– Do you talk to your wife when you make love to her?
– Yes, I talk, sometimes at this time she calls me on the phone.
* * *
The husband and wife quarreled and do not speak. To somehow begin reconciliation, the husband writes a note to his wife in the evening: “Wake me up tomorrow at seven o’clock.”
He wakes up, it’s nine o’clock, there’s a note on the pillow: “Get up, it’s already seven o’clock.”
* * *
A wife who went fishing with her husband tells her friend:
– You see, I did everything wrong. I spoke loudly, took the wrong bait and cast it in the wrong place. My bite was wrong, I hooked it wrong. And in general I caught more fish than him.
* * *
A Chukchi married a Russian. His neighbors ask:
- How is your Russian wife?
Chukchi answers:
- A good wife, but very dirty. Every day he washes himself.
* * *
A man is walking down the street, holding a bag full of empty bottles. His friend asks him:
- Are you bringing the dishes back?
- No, I had a fight with my wife, she said: take everything that’s yours and leave!
* * *
An Englishwoman, a Frenchwoman and a Russian are discussing their husbands.
Frenchwoman:
– My husband is gentle and tremulous, like a doe!
Englishwoman:
- And my husband is strong and noble, like a deer!
The Russian thought and thought and said:
“I don’t know what to call mine, but he’s a brute, that’s for sure.”
* * *
A man is walking through the park with a rope tied to his belt. A policeman comes towards him and asks:
- Man, why do you have a rope tied to your belt?
- My wife left me! I can’t - I’ll hang myself!
The policeman says:
- So you need to tie a rope around your neck.
- I tried it! I'm suffocating!
* * *
Conversation on the train:
– You know, my wife is an angel.
- Lucky! And mine is still alive.
* * *
My husband always comes home late. The wife, naturally, swears. My husband is tired of this and says:
“I’m a free bird; I come when I want.”
One day my wife didn’t come home to spend the night at all. The husband swears, and she says:
- I am a forced bird: when they let me go, then I come.
* * *
One French magazine announced a competition among husbands to best description of your morning. The first place was taken by the author of the following text: “In the morning I get up, wash, have breakfast, get dressed and go home.”
* * *
A husband and wife are watching a figure skating competition on TV. Husband says:
– I would love to perform a free program with this skater.
Wife making the bed:
- Let's see how you perform the mandatory task now!
* * *
Odessa, 6 o'clock in the morning. A woman goes out onto the balcony and sees that her neighbor on the balcony is crying.
- What happened, why are you crying?
- What should I do? Yesterday my husband came drunk, beat me, beat the children and went to prostitutes... Don’t you have him?
* * *
A woman came to work with a black eye. She is asked:
- Who do you think you are?
- So he’s on a business trip.
- That's what I thought...
* * *
There is a divorce going on. The judge asks the husband:
– Why did you decide to divorce your wife?
– She doesn’t suit me in bed.
- Tell me please! Everyone is happy, but he’s not!
* * *
A drunk man stumbles into the apartment and falls at the threshold. The wife takes a broom and, wailing, hits him in the face.
-Will you drink, bastard? Will you drink, bastard?
Man opening his eyes:
- Pour it!
* * *
There is a divorce going on. The defendant asks the judge whether it is possible to live on 400 rubles a month in our time. The judge thought and said:
- Well, if you live very modestly, then you can.
Respondent:
“So I tell her that it’s possible, but she pestered me: “Go work, go work.”
* * *
The husband once again comes home drunk.
– How long will this continue? Why do you drink vodka?
“I drink it because it’s liquid; if it were solid, I’d bite it.”
* * *
Grandma and grandfather are sitting, drinking tea. Grandfather says:
“Grandma, grandma, you and I have lived our whole lives, but admit it: have you ever cheated on me?”
- Not once! And you to me?
- And I have never! Do you remember, grandma, how Vaska came to see you once?
- Oh, girlish memory!
The grandmother jumps up, runs to the closet, turns the key, opens it, and from there the bones fall onto the floor.
* * *
An Odessa Jew married the daughter of a Kyiv Jew. A year later, the wife died. He went to Kyiv again and married her younger sister. A year later he comes to his father-in-law and says:
- Dad, you will laugh, but Rosette is also dead.
* * *
The wife calls her husband at work:
- Call the director on the phone!
- The director is busy.
- It's his wife calling.
- Everyone says like that!
- Then tell him that Lyuba is calling him!
- He’s having lunch, and Lyuba has already arrived.
* * *
The husband stops the car in a wonderful mountainous area. The wife, getting out of the car, exclaims enthusiastically:
-What a landscape! I am simply speechless from such beauty!
The husband answers:
- Wonderful! Then let's spend our vacation here.
* * *
King Louis XIV, after the celebrations dedicated to the fortieth anniversary of marriage, leads the queen into the bedroom.
“Remember, Your Majesty, how forty years ago you saved my honor by cutting your finger and sprinkling blood on our bed on our wedding night?” Now I will save your honor,” the queen said and blew her nose into the sheet.
* * *
Grandfather and grandmother are watching TV, and there one famous psychic gives instructions. Grandfather jumps up and shouts:
“Grandma, let’s go quickly before the mood rises sharply!”
- It’s too late, grandfather, everything has healed!
* * *
Three men are getting ready for work and ask their friend:
– Vasya, why don’t you ever go fishing with us?
- Yes, my wife won’t let me in.
“And you go up to her, pull up the hem and give her a kick on the ass - she’ll let go right away.”
A few days later the men meet Vasya and say:
- Well, why didn’t you come fishing?!
- Yes, I went up to my wife, lifted up my hem... and I thought: why do I need this fishing?
* * *
The wife suddenly says to her husband:
– My aunt died, I’m going to the funeral.
“You’re lying, you don’t have any aunt, you never told me about her.”
The wife is in tears. In the end, the husband lets his wife go, but only with his mother. My wife and mother-in-law flew to another city and were taken from the plane in different directions. In three days they fly home. On the plane, the wife timidly turns to her mother-in-law:
- Mom, what will we say at home?
“I don’t know about you, but I’ll definitely go for nine and forty days!”
* * *
A jealous wife gives him a scandal for every hair found on her husband's jacket. But one day she found nothing.
- Oh, now you don’t even disdain bald women!
* * *
My husband is going fishing. The wife swears:
– What kind of fishing?! You'll come back drunk again!
In the evening, the husband returns - completely drunk. Says to his wife:
- Well, bitch, did you squawk?
* * *
A wife wakes her husband up at night:
- Honey, I'm cold! Close the window.
The husband gets up and closes the window.
A few minutes later his wife wakes him up again:
- Honey, I'm hot! Open the window.
The husband gets up and closes it.
- Honey, I want a man!
- Well, honey, where can I get you a man at three in the morning?
* * *
Women are talking. One says:
– My husband has some unusual hobby. I always forget what he calls himself.
He looks out the window and shouts to the whole yard:
- Vasya, who are you, a syphilitic?
- Man, how many times have I told you: not a syphilitic, but a philatelist.
* * *
My husband comes home drunk. His wife starts yelling at him:
-Where have you been, you bastard?
- Where was, where was... Playing s-chess!
- Why do you smell of vodka?
– What do you think should smell like chess from me?
* * *
A husband and wife are going to the theater. The wife takes a long time to get dressed, comb her hair and put on makeup. The irritated husband shouts:
– When will you finally be ready? Give me at least an approximate date!
* * *
At night on the road a traffic cop stops a car.
– Where are you rushing with such a businesslike look at two in the morning?
- On the lecture.
– I wonder who is giving lectures at such a time?
- My wife.
* * *
The general is driving to the theater in his personal car with his young wife. Looking at his dressed-up wife, he asks the driver to turn into the park. After this, the general climbs under his wife’s skirt... She exclaims:
- What are you doing? We're going to the theater!
Her husband answers her:
“The theater has stood and will stand for another hundred years, but here it’s a matter of chance.”
* * *
“New Russian” says to his wife:
- Oh, how inconvenient it turned out!
The wife asks:
– What’s inconvenient?
“Yes, this is the third time Kolyan has invited me to his wife’s funeral, but I have never invited him before.”
* * *
A husband tells his wife how lucky he is: he bought a pair of wheels for his car at half price. Wife says:
“I don’t understand why you’re happy, you don’t have a car!”
The husband answers:
“I don’t tell you anything when you buy yourself a bra.”
* * *
The wife says to her husband:
– Dear, today is the 25th anniversary of our life together. Maybe we can celebrate this significant event somehow?
– How about a minute of silence?
* * *
One woman gave birth to a black child. The husband comes to the maternity hospital and, seeing the child, says:
“Your everything always burns!”
* * *
Two friends are talking. One says:
– You know, I have a suspicion that my wife treats me badly.
- Why do you think so?
“Each time she tightens the knot on my tie tighter and tighter.”
- So it's just a coincidence.
- Yes, but yesterday she tried to soap him up.
* * *
Young married couple during honeymoon got to the exhibition of agricultural achievements. The guide stops near exotic breeds of chickens, points to one rooster and says:
– This rooster can trample 100 chickens in a day.
The wife whispers to her husband:
- Remember.
The guide continues:
– ... only the chickens should be different.
Husband to wife:
- Remember.
* * *
“Memorize it once and for all,” the wife declares to her husband. - When I say: “Come to me, my dear, I’ll kiss you,” then I don’t mean you, but only my dog.
* * *
The husband, quickly dressing, defiantly declares to his wife:
– I’m going to see my friends, let’s have a beer and play cards!
- What do I need, drag yourself in all four directions or order me to hold you by the horns?
* * *
A man receives a message from the bank saying that there is not a penny left in his account. Furious, he comes to the bank and demands an explanation:
– What are you talking about, there must be no less than fifty thousand in my account, not counting interest, I haven’t withdrawn a penny for a year.
- Well, look, all your money was withdrawn a week ago, it’s signed by your wife, you have a joint account. Wait, are you and your wife still... together? - dawns on a bank employee who has decided that the man has recently divorced his wife.
“Oh yes,” the man exclaims with bitter irony. “But in thirty minutes it will be over.”
- Why after thirty minutes?
“This is the time it will take me to get home.”
* * *
Two friends are talking. The older one, who has been married for a long time, explains to the younger one:
- No, of course, a man needs to get married. Just imagine, you come home, and it’s cozy, cute, there are all sorts of trinkets, it smells like a delicious dinner, and your wife greets you from the doorway. Clean, so neat, friendly, smiling and chirping. You walk in, sit down at the table, eat, then go to the sofa to relax. And the wife is nearby all this time, not leaving a single step. Smiling and chirping, chirping, chirping, idiot...
* * *
There was a shipwreck. At dawn, a few hours later, a woman who had been saved by some miracle sails to a small uninhabited island in the middle of the sea. With the last of her strength she falls onto the sand. Not even a minute has passed when a man who escaped from the same ship jumps up to the woman and shouts:
- Oh, I always knew that as soon as you give free rein, you will begin to cheat on me. If you want to stay alive, be honest, where have you been hanging around all night? The ship sank yesterday.
* * *
The wife, with surprise and dissatisfaction, tells her husband:
“Sometimes I just can’t understand you.” If you really can’t stand cooking dinner, washing floors and dishes, then why did you get married?
* * *
A man complains to his friend:
“Can you imagine, all my friends’ wives are fed a hearty, meaty dinner, but from mine I only get half a loaf of bread for dinner.” It seems like I’m making money, but she keeps me in a black body.
Well, a friend gave him advice: to be more affectionate with his wife at night, to love more deeply, they say, then she will become kinder. The man flew home as if on wings, followed the advice and fell asleep in blissful dreams of what awaited him for dinner the next day. He comes home from work in the evening, rushes to the kitchen, and there his wife stands and hands him a thin, translucent piece of bread on a plate:
- What, you bastard, were you mad yesterday?
* * *
A husband and wife are talking. Husband asks:
- Honey, do I snore at night?
- Well, just think how happy you are. And my mother was always tormented by the fact that my father snored loudly all night. But you sleep peacefully...
- No matter how it is, calm down! Yes, I've been holding your nose all night!
* * *
The husband comes home at dawn and his wife meets him at the door. Husband, hastily:
“Darling, you’ll never guess where I was tonight.”
Wife, ironically:
– I’ll definitely guess, you don’t even have to doubt it. I'll just listen to your version first...
* * *
The husband tells his friends:
– Yesterday I quarreled with my wife. I decided to spend my money on all sorts of stupid things. Oh, we made a fuss, oh, and we screamed.
- Well, who has the last word?
- Well, of course, follow me. I said, “Okay, buy your fur coat.”
* * *
Once a husband and wife got into a fight at the entrance. They scream and swear, you can hear it throughout the entire yard. All the neighbors stuck their heads out of their windows, listening to the family quarrel. A neighbor comes up to his wife, who is setting fire to her husband, and says:
- Come on, neighbor, at least you’ll be ashamed of people. Go to your home and you'll sort it out there.
– Should I be ashamed of people? Yes, I try for them!
* * *
A young wife, right after her honeymoon, waits for her husband late at night at the door with a rolling pin. At three o'clock in the morning the husband finally appears, and the wife rushes at him screaming:
“You scoundrel, not even a month has passed, and you’re already wandering around somewhere at night.” You don't love me at all and don't appreciate me.
- Honey, what are you talking about? These eight hours were barely enough for me to explain to my friends who were at the bar how well I live with you, how happy we are. How could I have shown up at home earlier?
* * *
The husband asks his wife in surprise:
-Are you unhappy again? Just look, now you have two pairs of shoes to go with one dress. Isn't this wonderful?
- Do you think so? – the wife frowns menacingly. “But it seems to me that I only have one dress to go with these two pairs of shoes.” And soon you will understand this too.
* * *
Two neighbors are talking in the morning:
- I wonder who is the boss in your house? I see that for the third night in a row you have been sleeping on the balcony, without even covering yourself with anything. But it’s already quite cold at night, it’s November, after all.
- Who is the master, who is the master, I am the master of the house.
- Well, why do you sleep on the balcony?
- I am the master where I want, I sleep there!
* * *
In a dimly lit bar with soft, intimate lighting, a bright light suddenly came on. The woman, looking around, sees a man nearby, immediately, enraged, flies up to him and shouts:
“Ah, so that’s how you look after the kids, hubby.” But I was hoping for you, with a calm soul I said that I would go to the neighboring house to visit my sick mother!
* * *
A husband and wife are quarreling on the street, shouting and swearing. Husband:
- You, you... you're just an ass!
- I hear it from a donkey!
- You're worse, you're a pig!
“I hear it from a pig, you bastard!”
A passerby stopped, listened and asked:
- Well, why quarrel and be indignant like that? You better calm down and tell me how you got married, such close relatives?
* * *
In the morning, the wife says to her husband, who is getting ready for work:
“If you come late again today, I’ll still have to beat you with a rolling pin, as my mother advised.” But you can believe me, I won’t get pleasure from this.
Husband, surprised:
- And who do you want to please then?
* * *
The doctor came to the patient’s house, examined him and stated with concern:
– It seems that you are tormented by some serious, long-standing fear, apparently, it is this that is poisoning your entire life and affecting your health...
“Doctor, doctor,” the patient, even more frightened, immediately whispered, glancing sideways at his entering wife. “I beg you, shut up,” he’s just opening the door!
* * *
In the morning, the husband comes to the window and says to his wife:
“Apparently, there will still be a hurricane by tonight.”
The wife immediately responded:
- Will not be. If you deign to come home from work on time, without stopping at any bar along the way.
* * *
Two friends are talking. One says:
“Listen, you’re saying that you broke the set, a gift for your wedding, on your husband’s head during a quarrel yesterday.” The service was so weighty. Just imagine, smash it on your head... Don’t you feel sorry for him at all?
- Why should I feel sorry for him? I never liked him. But after a quarrel, my husband will give me a new one. Service, of course.
* * *
At dinner, the wife enthusiastically knocks the brain out of the bone and eats it. Glancing at her husband, she enthusiastically declares:
- Darling, maybe I should beat your brains out too?
* * *
Husband and wife are quarreling. The wife states:
“I’m tired of being responsible for everything myself.” You are not able to solve the simplest question. You are completely helpless.
- Darling, do you really think that all worries fall on your shoulders? I'm an adult independent man, and the fact that I cannot solve a single issue myself is your prejudice.
- Well, yes! I do all the housework, cooking, cleaning, etc. I earn more than you. If you need to decide something, you come and ask me.
- Well... what do you think we should do now?
* * *
A Georgian married a Ukrainian woman. A week after the wedding, the husband instructs his wife:
“Every evening when I come home, look carefully, wife: if my cap is tilted to the right side, then I’m in a good mood, I’ll caress you, and make you happy with a gift, and I’ll fulfill any request.” If my cap is tilted to the left side, well then don’t come near me - I’m evil. Put dinner on the table right away, don’t even open your mouth - if you say a word, I’ll beat you! Well, if I have a cap...
- No, dear, listen to me first. If you come in the evening, and my hair is down, then I will caress you, and I will fulfill any request, and I will feed you a delicious dinner, I will not say a word against you. If I braid my hair, then I don’t care at all whether your cap is on your right side or on your left...
* * *
One guy decided to have fun with his secretary and calls home.
- Darling, today I will come an hour later, we have a meeting here. Do not worry.
- Fine. That's for sure? Can I definitely count on this?
* * *
One man saw new Olympic condoms in the pharmacy. Surprised by their name, he bought a package. Arriving home, he immediately told his wife about his purchase.
– Olympic condoms? And what is so special about them? – she asked.
- There are three colors. Gold, silver and bronze.
“And which one do you want to use tonight?”
- Of course, gold!
– Why not try silver? It will be very nice if, for a change, you finish second at least once.
* * *
A man returns from a business trip and hears his wife’s oohs and sighs from the bedroom from the corridor. He rushes headlong into the bedroom and sees his naked wife in bed.
- What happened to you?!
– I’m having a heart attack, run, call an ambulance!
The man rushes into the hallway to the telephone, where he bumps into his little son.
- Dad, and there’s Uncle Vasya sitting naked in the closet!
The man runs back, opens the closet and... sees a naked neighbor.
- You are stupid! My wife is dying, and here you are playing hide and seek with the children!!!
* * *
And my neighbor constantly calls his wife “my swallow,” so affectionately...
- Is she so small?
- No, she keeps getting pregnant.
* * *
A man suspected his wife of cheating and found a hired killer.
“Remember,” he said. “I want everything to be over with two shots.” One killed his wife in the head, the other deprived this brat of his dignity.
I began to wait for the phone call. At the appointed time the phone rang:
- Everything is fine. Got by with one shot.
* * *
The husband came home from work and found his wife in bed with her lover, turned around and punched him in the face. Wife:
– That’s right, he doesn’t live here, but he comes to us!
The lover responded by slapping her husband on the ear. The wife, without hesitation, added:
– That’s right, he can’t do it himself and he doesn’t give it to others.
* * *
Chechnya. The wife walks ahead of Ruslan. Mulla saw and was indignant:
– You are violating the Koran, Ruslan!
– When the Koran was written, the roads were not mined. Go ahead, Gulnara!
* * *
A Russian in America entered a brothel, learned the joy of life, went out into the street, stopped, and spat. A policeman immediately jumped up and charged him a $50 fine.
At home his wife asks him:
– Did you remember me there?
– I remembered once, and even then they ripped off 50 dollars.
* * *
The conductor returned home. All day she washed, cleaned, washed. Went to bed. Her husband looks forward to her:
- Come on...
She, falling asleep:
- Wait, the train starts moving, then...
* * *
The husband decided to buy a car, but he didn’t have enough five thousand.
“Don’t be upset, I have just five thousand in my account,” says the wife.
-Where did you get them?
“I put it off every time after you and I made love.”
“If I had known about this earlier, I would have quit my job and made love to you five times every day.”
* * *
Doorbell.
– Tell me, please, do blue people live here?
– I don’t know, I’ll ask my wife now. Fedya, do we have blue ones?
* * *
The husband returned home late. The wife began to swear:
- You can be stunned! You sit in the pub after midnight, hide yourself, wake me up, and then I can’t sleep all night!
- And you give it to me in the evening more money, then I will come only in the morning.
* * *
The husband says to his wife:
– You asked for a mink for your birthday, I bought it. But remember, you will feed her yourself.
* * *
The wife is leaving on a business trip; her husband was not at home at the time. A day later, her husband calls her in another city.
-Where did you put all the dishes?
She replied:
“Sleep at home,” and hung up.
The next day he calls her again:
-Where are all the dishes?
The wife answers:
- Sleep at home! – and hangs up again.
A week later, the wife returned home, her husband met her and angrily said:
– I’ve been looking for dishes all week, what kind of jokes are these?
She opened the bed for him, under the blanket there were plates, spoons...
- I told you to sleep at home.
* * *
- Dear, Christmas is coming! Should we go see some furs?
- Great idea! You just need to hurry, otherwise the zoo is only open until five.
* * *
It's my husband's birthday. Wife says:
– Now close your eyes, there will be a surprise.
Husband impatiently:
- Soon, or what?
Wife from another room:
– Now, I’m almost wearing it.
* * *
The wife says to her husband:
“I’ll go to my neighbor for a minute, and you stir the porridge every half hour.”
* * *
The husband says to his wife:
– Get ready quickly, we’ll be late!
- Why are you so impatient, I already told you half an hour ago that I’d be ready in a minute.
* * *
The old wife decided to surprise her husband by stripping naked and walking around in front of him.
- Listen, what is it about you that looks so indecent?
The wife answers:
– This is not a look, but an outfit, erotic, by the way.
- Well, then at least pet him, otherwise he’s all wrinkled.
* * *
The husband stopped paying attention to one woman completely. A friend advised her to buy a new robe. Evening. The husband comes home from work and rudely says to his wife:
- Let's eat!
She was upset, but didn’t show it. The next day, a friend advised her to change her hairstyle and put on makeup. But in the evening the husband again did not even look at his wife, but only growled:
She cried all night, and in the morning she went to her friend. She was even more surprised and offered to put a gas mask on her head before her husband arrived.
She did just that. The husband came in and, as always, said:
- I wanna eat!
And his wife, so affectionately:
“Don’t you notice anything new in me?”
He looked carefully and asked:
- Did you pluck your eyebrows?
* * *
– Imagine a situation: you come home, and I have a mistress in my bed.
– Just imagine this situation: you come home, and my lover is lying in my bed.
– Don’t confuse the situation with debauchery.
* * *
Wife to husband in bed.
- Well, tell me, Van, that you love me!
- I love you, profura!
- Van, tell me that you want me!
- I want it, bitch.
- Oh, Van, you can even persuade the dead.
* * *
“Masha,” the husband shouted from the door, returning in the morning with card game, – I was very lucky today!
- You won?
- No. Remember, you bought me a suit for 2 thousand? I lost it in as many as 3!
* * *
“They called me a prostitute in the store,” the wife complains to her husband.
- How many times have I told you, don’t go where they know you.
* * *
My husband returns late at night from a business trip. He knocks on the house and no one opens. He began to pound his fists with all his might. Silence. Then he started kicking his feet. My wife's voice is heard from the apartment:
- Just knock on your horns!
* * *
The husband returned home very drunk. He rang the bell and fell in front of the door. The wife opened the lock, but the door did not open. She shouts to her husband:
- Yes, open the door!
He answers:
-Where have you been hanging around for so long? Now sleep under the door!
* * *
At night a bell rings in the apartment. The sleepy wife goes to the door. He opens it and sees: a drunken husband standing with some woman. He leans over to his wife and says in her ear:
- Tell her that you are my sister.
* * *
Husband and wife are arguing. Wife:
- You're a goat!
- Am I the goat?
- You don’t even look like a goat!
– Who – I don’t look like?!
* * *
Husband to wife:
-Have you finished?
- Well then finish, and I’ll go have a smoke.
* * *
Two friends are drinking.
- My wife is a whore.
- Why?
* * *
The wife brings her lover home and begins to make love to him. Suddenly, from behind the screen, a voice is heard:
- Ku-ku-ku...
Lover:
- What do you have there, cuckoo?
- Not really. This paralyzed husband just can’t pronounce “whore”...
* * *
The spouses swear with choice obscenities. A neighbor's boy knocks on their door:
- Excuse me, dad asked me to find out what program such an interesting film is on?
* * *
The husband came home, clearly in a bad mood, had dinner and said to his wife:
- Let's go to bed!
- Darling, you know I can’t do it today.
- What did you all agree on today, or what?!
* * *
Two friends meet. One says:
– Have you ever seen your husband’s eyes when you give a blowjob?
- I saw it.
- Like this?
– Once I was giving a blowjob, I saw my husband enter.
* * *
Early in the morning my husband got ready to go fishing. There is a snowstorm and snow outside. He returned, undressed and sat side by side with his warm wife.
- Well, have you come? – his wife hugged him sleepily.
- I’ve arrived.
- And my fool went fishing.
* * *
The husband is indignant:
- Well, television! They've been showing some nasty face for a whole hour!
- Well, you got drunk! Our TV is being repaired, and you've been staring at the mirror all evening.
* * *
On March 8, my husband got up early, ran to the store, prepared dinner, washed the floors, vacuumed, and ironed the clothes. In the evening I fell into bed and thought:
- Will they really fuck me too?
* * *
A wife and husband are fighting over a new car. Wife:
– Why did you buy a new car?
- I wanted to.
– Why did you want to buy a foreign car? Are you crazy? Do you even understand what you've done?
- Why are you still screaming and shouting? Do you even understand what the difference is between domestically produced cars and foreign cars?
- Understand! Their repair costs more.
* * *
Wife to husband:
- I'm very worried. Maybe your friend will come today after all.
- Not coming.
- But what if?!
- Let's bet on my salary.
* * *
A husband and wife went to the zoo. We walked and walked and stopped at a cage with a gorilla. The husband says to his wife:
- Wink at him as best you can.
The wife did just that. The gorilla became agitated.
The husband turns to his wife again:
“Swing your hips, you know how to do it.”
The wife obeyed. The gorilla began to go berserk. And then the husband opens the cage, pushes his wife into it and says:
- Now explain to him that you are tired and that you can’t do it today.
* * *
Wife to husband:
- Honey, how will you react if tomorrow I dye my hair green?
- Yes, if you don’t ask me for money for paint.
* * *
Husband and wife in bed. The wife does not let her husband sleep, kisses him, caresses him. The husband just turns away. Wife, offended:
– Just imagine, there are two bags in front of you. One of them is money, the other is love. Which bag would you take?
- I would take a bag of money.
– If I were you, I would take another bag.
- Well, who is missing something?
* * *
The husband says to his wife:
– Happiness does not lie in earning a lot of money, but in striving for it.
- Darling, I remember that you are a philosopher by training. But somehow try to feel happy, thinking all day that in the evening you will probably be able to have breakfast.
* * *
The wife asks her husband:
- Go to the shop.
– I don’t want to.
- Don't you want to go to the store? Then march to the bedroom.
- Well, why did you get so nervous right away? I'm already going to the store. You can't even joke.
* * *
The wife says to her husband:
“If you don’t take back your words, then I’ll have to walk around naked all winter.”
- And what did I say?
“You said that you won’t buy me a new fur coat this year.”
* * *
My husband has been away from home all week; he and his friends went fishing. And then the phone rings, the wife answers the phone:
- Honey, I'm glad you're home. Send me some money urgently.
- Were you fined?
- No, I just drank my salary.
* * *
- Honey, you drank half your salary again!
- Sorry, I lost count of the money.
* * *
The wife scolds her husband, who once again returned home late:
– I’m so tired of your excuses. At least you could come up with something new.
- What for? You still know everything and understand everything.
* * *
The husband turns to his wife:
- Why did you cut the potatoes into strips? Before, you always cut it in half rings.
– I don’t understand why you are so surprised, you yourself asked to diversify our diet.
* * *
The husband asks his wife:
- Honey, would you like to take a cooking course?
- Why, honey? I already know how to cook.
- So learn to cook so that everything you cook is edible.
* * *
The wife asks her husband:
- Honey, let's get a dog.
- What nonsense, why do we need a dog?
“So that you can finally understand the difference between my requests and a dog’s howl.” And then everyone: “Don’t howl, don’t whine...”
* * *
The husband asks his wife:
- Why do you close your eyes while serving me food?
- So as not to see how you suffer.
* * *
The husband comes home. His wife opens the door for him and sees that he is hiding something behind his back.
-What do you have there, honey?
- Confirmation of my love.
- Is this a fur coat, honey?
– Is this a decoration, honey?
-What is this, dear?
- This is flowers.
* * *
Two friends are talking about their husbands. One of them talks about her unsuccessful sex life. A friend tries to express some of her assumptions:
– Does he want to, but can’t – is he impotent?
- Not really. He's just a bastard.
- He can, but he doesn’t want to.
* * *
The wife and husband are watching TV. There is a program that talks about the characteristics of the population of various countries. The presenter reports that, according to scientists, residents of Upper Volta are characterized by the greatest sexual activity. The wife goes to another room. The husband turns to her:
- Honey, where are you going in such a hurry? I have already seen this program and already found out the flight schedule to Upper Volta. The next flight is only in a week.
* * *
“Darling, why are you looking at me like you’re seeing me for the first time?”
- Did you get a new haircut?
- No, honey, I just washed my hair.
* * *
The wife brings breakfast to her husband in bed. He opens his eyes and sees that his wife is holding the sandwich with her finger:
“Don’t you remember, honey, that I don’t like this?” Stop holding the sandwich with your finger, it won't jump out of the plate.
“Darling, do you really want him to fall to the floor for the fourth time?”
* * *
His guardian angel comes to his husband before Christmas:
- Danger awaits you.
- What could happen to me? After all, I'm going to spend this Christmas evening with my wife. She promised to cook some new dish.
“So I’m saying that danger awaits you.” Don't eat your wife's cooking!
* * *
An elderly couple wakes up in their bed. The husband looks at his wife and asks:
- Who are you?
“I am the woman to whom you proposed your hand and heart fifty years ago,” the wife answers with a smile.
- Yes, yes, I remember. But I don’t remember if you gave your consent.
* * *
There is a slogan hanging in the kitchen:
"Husband! Eat what your wife cooked poorly and say, “Great, honey!”
* * *
Alcoholic husband wakes up in the morning. The wife is standing near the bed.
- Who are you?
- Your wife.
– Who’s next to you? - asks the husband, who begins to see double.
“Your wife,” the wife replies sarcastically.
- You're lying again! Last time the doctor said it was delirium tremens.
* * *
A newly bankrupt banker bought his wife a broom. She turned it over in her hands and asked:
- Where are the instructions?
* * *
My husband went on a business trip abroad. On the last day of his stay abroad, he runs around the shops looking for a gift for his wife. Finally, he went into a lingerie store and decided to ask the saleswoman for help.
– We have new arrivals of bras from a well-known company.
- Very good. Help me choose what I need.
– What breast shape does your wife have: melon or maybe apple?
“More like spaniel ears.”
* * *
The wife asks her husband:
-Did you bring your salary?
- Yes. Would you like a drink or a snack?
* * *
The husband asks his wife:
– What would you like to receive for your birthday?
Wife, sighing:
- Another husband.
* * *
The husband says to his wife:
– Today I have lunch with my companions. You must accompany me. Dress accordingly.
– Tell me, should I look like your wife or like your mistress?
* * *
The wife asks her husband:
– If you find out that I cheated on you, will you kill me?
- No. I'll just tell you to go to your lover.
- That’s good, darling. And I was afraid that instead of my lover’s wealth, I would only get a coffin from my husband.
* * *
My husband returns home very late. He notices that his wife is nervous.
- Honey, are you afraid to ask me anything?
- No. “I’m afraid to hear anything back from you,” the wife replies, trying to clean her husband’s jacket of lipstick.
* * *
- Honey, why did you dye your hair a different color? You always said that you would remain a brunette until the end of your days.
– Yesterday I talked to our son about love, sex, male preferences.
– What does this have to do with the fact that you dyed your hair?
– We talked about men's preferences, and he told me that, like you, he likes blondes best.
* * *
The wife asks her husband:
- Honey, we're having a baby. Are you happy?
- Crazy, honey. Moreover, doctors told me that I was infertile.
* * *
- Honey, you look bad.
- I do not feel good. My stomach hurts and I feel nauseous.
-You probably ate something wrong.
- Maybe.
-What did you eat today?
“Only what you gave me for breakfast.”
* * *
The husband returns home late. He is greeted by an angry wife.
“I warn you, dear, that I will answer just one of your questions, but truthfully.”
- Where have you been?
- At the hairdresser.
- Do you have a conscience?
– And that’s another question.
* * *
A wife and husband are talking about childbirth.
- Honey, I know everything about premature birth and belated ones.
- Well, tell me.
– Premature – this is seven months after the husband returned from a business trip. And the belated ones are two years after the death of the husband.
- But I know everything about irregular births.
– This is when a neighbor gives birth instead of his wife.
* * *
The man managed to buy a ticket to the World Cup final. He came to the stadium and took his place. It turned out that nothing was visible from this place. He turned around and saw that there was free space below. He squeezed his way to an empty chair and asked the man sitting next to him:
– Isn’t it busy here?
- Not really.
- This is luck. Someone bought a ticket and didn't show up!
- Actually, I was the one who bought the ticket. Only I bought it for my wife, and she passed away. We all life together went to football together.
- Oh, excuse me. Why didn’t you take any of your relatives with you?
- Yes, they are all at her funeral.
* * *
Husband and wife talking in bed:
“You know, honey, before I got married, I didn’t have that many women.” Have you had many men?
The wife is silent. Husband asks:
- Are you offended?
* * *
A husband and wife return from work together. Evening. The husband walks from room to room as if he is hiding something. The wife suspected something was wrong and said:
- Vasya, and Vasya, what are you hiding from me there? There seemed to be no salary, I called Petka and found out.
- Eh, Lyubasha, your memory is full of holes, don’t you remember what day it is today?
- What day is it today?
– Today is our wedding anniversary. So I decided to celebrate such a wonderful event by drinking a bottle of alcohol. What do you prefer: vodka or the freshest moonshine?
The wife blushed, became shy and timidly said:
- Oh, I don’t even know, everything is so delicious!
* * *
The husband came home from work and said to his wife:
“Now we’ll eat and then go straight to bed.”
The wife says languidly:
- Okay, back to bed, back to bed.
And she thinks:
“Tomorrow I’ll go to the doctor, he’ll definitely advise me on something.”
The next day the wife comes to the doctor and says:
– Doctor, help me, please, my husband simply terrorized me. When he comes home from work, he eats and immediately makes him go to bed.
The doctor smiled, thought about it and said:
– Don’t worry, my dear, I’ll give you advice. Go to his superiors and tell them to give him as much as possible more work. He will be very tired and dream only of food and restful sleep.
The next day, the wife went to the boss and asked him to put more work on her husband. The boss agreed. In the evening, the wife sits joyfully, waiting for the doorbell to ring. It sounds, the husband comes in and looks at his wife fiercely. She says:
- Tired, honey? Go and eat some soup.
- What a soup! Get to bed quickly!
* * *
A husband who was very fond of drinking comes home and says to his wife:
– Today at work we held a competition with all the men at the plant: who could drink the most vodka?
The wife asks:
- Well, who took second place?
* * *
A happy young husband comes to the maternity hospital to pick up his wife and child. The nurse congratulates the parents on their newborn and asks:
- Well, what will you name your baby?
The wife exclaims joyfully:
– We are so happy, so happy that we have not yet had time to come up with a name or patronymic for him!!!
* * *
A drunken husband comes home and begins to find fault with his wife:
- You women are stupid.
- Why are we stupid?
- And look how small your head is. Even one gyrus won’t fit in it.
- Look at yourself, you poor orangutan!
- Wife, tell me why not only your head is small, but also your paw.
The wife became thoughtful and doesn’t know what to answer. The husband instructively says:
– Women’s paws are small so that they stand closer to the stove! And I didn’t contradict my husband.
* * *
My husband comes home from work and says:
- Wife, I’m so tired today, so tired, give me some vodka.
The wife felt very sorry for her beloved, and she gave in to his request:
- Here, have a drink, just don’t get drunk as usual.
The husband drank three glasses and said:
“And now, wife, I want to drink to your health.”
The husband drank three more glasses. The wife could not stand it and said:
– Listen, hubby, I asked you not to get drunk, but you’re drinking to my health for the third time.
“Sorry, honey, but you’ve been looking so bad lately!”
* * *
One man boasts to his friend:
– I recently married a young woman! Just imagine: her legs are growing right from her teeth!
The friend grinned and said:
“Yes, I wouldn’t like to meet her in fifty years.”
- And why is that?
– It’s very nice to look at the dentures on crutches!
* * *
One man comes to the doctor and complains that an old ulcer is bothering him. The doctor advises him to take medication and undergo a health course. A month later, the patient and the doctor meet on the street. The doctor notices that the man looks very tired:
“He’s probably not cured.”
We met and talked. The doctor asks:
- How's your ulcer?
– And don’t ask: only yesterday I was able to breathe easy.
- What, has it gotten better?
- No, she just went to see her mother yesterday!
* * *
A wife says in the morning to her husband who has just woken up:
“Darling, why did you call me Nadya all night?” Is that your lover's name?
- No, dear, why do you always exaggerate everything? I just had a terrible dream.
- About the fact that you were raped by some Nadya?
- No, about the fact that I am Lenin.
* * *
In the morning the wife says to her husband:
- Honey, I think I'm pregnant.
The husband grabs his head and runs away to his mistress. The mistress opens the door and declares from the threshold:
- Bunny, it seems to me that we will soon have a child.
The man can’t stand it, runs to the pharmacy and shouts:
– Give me two pregnancy tests and three sedatives.
* * *
My husband is leaving for a week to visit his mother in the village. The wife declares that she cannot accompany him because she has a lot to do at work. The husband suspected something was wrong and went to the neighbor living across the wall:
- Listen, neighbor, I have a request for you. If you find out that my wife cheated on me, drive one nail into our door.
- Okay, neighbor, I’ll definitely hit you.
My husband comes home, looks, and the door is completely clean, but for some reason it’s not the same at all. He runs to his neighbor and asks:
- Probably my wife has never cheated on me? There is not a single nail in the door.
- What are you talking about? I've already reached the end of my second kilogram of nails. And the schoolchildren took your door for scrap metal.
* * *
In one family, the wife loved to sing very much. My husband started climbing the wall during the next concert. One day my wife said:
“If you don’t stop coming back at night, I’ll sing all day long.”
My husband started coming home at exactly six o'clock.
* * *
One day my husband returned home early. He decided to please his wife, so he went to a pet store to buy food for the kitten she had picked up on the street. He enters the bedroom and sees his missus in the arms of her lover. The husband turned pale and growled:
- So this is a stray kitten? Now he will eat food!
* * *
A friend asks:
– Katya, tell me how you first quarreled with your husband?
- Oh, that was before the wedding.
- Why did you quarrel?
“I just wanted him to wear a white suit, not a black one, at the wedding.”
- And he didn’t want to get married at all.
* * *
A wife reprimands her husband in the morning:
- Oh, you ill-mannered oaf. I couldn’t even meet my mother like a human being. He didn’t even entertain her with anything, didn’t take her anywhere.
- Why drive her? She still comes back.
* * *
The wife says to her husband:
- Dear, mommy will come to us tomorrow.
The husband is silent, as if he doesn’t hear.
– She will come for a very short time: for about two months.
The husband is silent again.
“That’s good, dear, I knew that you would take this good news well.”
The husband sighed heavily. The wife turns in his direction and says:
- And you don’t need to yell at me like that!
* * *
A caring husband asks his wife:
- Darling, tomorrow is your birthday. Tell me, what would you like to receive as a gift on this wonderful holiday?
- Oh, honey, I haven’t had time to think of it yet.
“Well, then I’ll give you one more year to think about it.”
* * *
A wife yells at her husband because his salary is too low. The husband says in confusion:
- Darling, what do you suggest? Earn extra money?
“With that salary, honey, you can bask in the sun and even do a little harm to your boss.”
* * *
A drunk husband returns home after a week of drinking. He knocks on the door, but his wife doesn’t open it. What's happened? He calls his neighbors and asks:
-Where is my wife?
- In the maternity hospital.
- What are you saying! What happened to her?
* * *
The wife wakes up in the middle of the night, pushes her husband, but he does not react at all. My wife is bored, she decided to have fun. She pushed her husband harder. He jumped up and shouted:
- What's happened? Are we on fire?
- No, I just wanted to know how you can sleep peacefully with such a small salary!
* * *
The dying husband called his wife. She bent over his bed and wiped away a stingy tear. The husband decided to console himself one last time and asked:
- Darling, when I go to another world, will you cry for me too?
– What are you asking about, dear, I bought waterproof mascara especially for this!
* * *
A drunken husband returns home, enters his entrance, but does not hit his door. A woman's voice comes from behind the door:
- Who's there?
– Sveta, it’s me, your beloved husband.
– I don’t have a husband, and I’m not Sveta.
- Well, Katya, it doesn’t matter to me, open it!
– I’m not Sveta.
- Wife, how are you? Well, you got impudent! Maybe we'll play in the cities too!
* * *
My husband dies. He lies in bed and asks his wife:
- Darling, when I die, will you cry?
“Of course, honey, you know how upset I get over every little thing.”
* * *
One woman complains to another:
“Can you imagine, I found out that my husband is a real drunkard.”
- What are you talking about? Why did you marry him?
“Before the wedding, I had no idea that he drinks. And recently he came home... sober.
* * *
A wife and husband are sitting in front of the TV and watching the program “In the Animal World.” The issue is dedicated to moose. The wife sighs:
- Wow, what beautiful horns and what a terrible face!
- Look, if I have such horns, then you will have the same muzzle.
* * *
The husband comes home and is greeted by his wife.
“Dear, some beggar came today, and I fed him soup and gave him a dollar.
To which the husband replies:
“If I could find that beggar, I’d give him ten more dollars just for eating your soup.”
* * *
The wife and husband are talking. Wife:
“Do you remember, dear, how in the heat of feelings five years ago you proposed your hand and heart to me and immediately fell silent?
- Of course I remember, dear.
- Tell me, why did you keep silent?
“I realized that I had said too much.”
* * *
The husband comes home angry and hungry. He thinks: “Eh, if my wife doesn’t hand me slippers right now, I’ll have a blast on her!” Before he could walk through the door, his wife was bringing him slippers.
“My dear, dear, your legs are probably tired.” Take off your shoes and put on slippers.
My husband put on his slippers and thought: “Well, you creature, if you haven’t prepared me to eat, I’ll kill you!” And his wife leads him under white hands to the kitchen.
“You’re probably hungry, my sweetie, go eat.” I'm like that for you delicious dinner I've prepared it!
The husband eats and thinks: “I definitely forgot to run the bath. Now I’ll give it to her!” He just ate the last spoon, his wife:
“My dear, go relax in the bathroom, I poured some water for you and made some foam.”
Then the husband jumps up and hits his wife.
- Don't make a fuss, fool!!!
* * *
My wife went on a business trip and calls home from there.
- Honey, how is our cat doing?
- She died!
- Horrible! You're just an uncouth cudgel! Is it really possible to say such things like this, without any preparation? He could have said that she was sitting on the roof, and when I arrived, he would have told me that she had fallen and broken!..
- That's it, I understand!
- How is my mother?
- Sits on the roof...
* * *
A wife makes love to a healthy man. Suddenly there was a call. The wife jumps.
- Oh, it’s my husband! Hide in the closet, quickly!
A thin, frail husband flies into the apartment, shaking his fists.
- Where is he?! I'll find him now! I saw his things! I'll punch him in the face now! – and with these words he begins to scour the apartment.
I looked in the toilet, under the bed, in the refrigerator and finally looked in the closet. And there - a healthy guy rubs his fists and mockingly asks:
- Well, did you find it?
- No! I'll go and look in the bathroom.
* * *
The wife and husband are lying in bed. Wife, quietly:
- How much time?
Husband, in a dream:
– I don’t know, the clock has been standing for a long time.
Wife, with a heavy sigh:
- Well, at least there’s something in this house!
* * *
A wife and her lover have sex in an apartment on the 9th floor. An unexpected knock on the door. Wife:
- Oh, my husband has come, quickly to the balcony! – and pushes her lover out of the window onto the balcony.
My husband comes in.
- Yes, other people's things. Whose, admit it?
- I bought it.
- Do not lie! My size is three times smaller!
The wife, realizing that she won’t get away with it:
- Okay, I'm cheating on you with my lover.
- Where is he?!
- On the balcony.
- Don't you dare fool me! We moved a month ago and now we don't have a balcony...
* * *
The husband comes home drunk. The wife is snoring on the bed. “Sleep, bloodsucker! Now I will take revenge on you for all my bumps and bruises!” - the husband thinks. Turns on the light - the wife is sleeping. Opens the cold and hot water- the wife is sleeping. He turns on the music, but his wife doesn’t listen. The husband, annoyed, takes the frying pan and bam on his wife’s head. The way he jumps up. Husband, touchingly:
- What, Zin, can’t sleep?
* * *
A husband teaches his careless wife:
- Masha, well, are you stupid, or what? How many times have I told you: if the book is a library book, the herring should be peeled not on the cover, but on the open pages!
* * *
My husband comes home. He takes a stool, climbs on it and looks for something on the mezzanine, but can’t find it. Asks his wife:
-Where did you drink?
- Grisha, what are you saying, I didn’t drink.
– I ask, where did you drink?
- Well, why are you shouting? Just think, at a neighbor's.
- Why did you give it?
“If I had known that he would tell me, I wouldn’t have let him.”
* * *
The husband returns home from a long voyage that lasted more than a year. Before arriving, he calls his wife:
– Valka, my love, I’m returning home tomorrow. Do you know what to do? Inflate the mattress and bring it to the pier. Understood?
- Yes, okay, dear. But I have a big request for you - try to go ashore first.
* * *
The husband asks his wife:
- Darling, why did you fire our maid? She carried out all our instructions so conscientiously.
“But she told everyone that she had been working for me for forty years!”
* * *
The husband reports his wife missing to the police. He is asked about his wife’s signs:
- Well, a wife is like a wife. And there was also a dog with her - 70 centimeters tall, brown eyes, with black paws, one white ear, the other red.
* * *
The husband and wife decided to make love, and at home little son. To prevent the child from distracting them, the husband came up with a plan. He approaches his son and says:
- Son, sit by the window and count out loud the people in black passing by. For every person in a black suit that you see and count, I will give you a ruble.
The son did just that. He sits and thinks:
– One, two, three, four... Dad, it will cost you less to rent a girl - there’s a whole funeral procession here.
* * *
The young people got married. The next morning after the wedding, the husband approached his wife and said seriously:
“Darling, swear to me that you will never look into the right drawer of my desk.”
The wife swore and held on for 30 years. But then curiosity overcame her conscience, and she, breaking her oath, opened the forbidden box. In the box she found three chicken eggs and 100 thousand dollars.
When the husband came to work, the wife told about her vile act and asked to explain what the contents of the box meant.
“You see, honey, every time I cheated on you, I put one egg in the box.”
Wife, joyfully:
- Dear, have you really cheated on me only three times in all these 30 years?! Where does the money come from?
“Every time the box was full of eggs, I sold them.”
* * *
My husband comes home from work. On the table lies a piece of torn wallpaper, on which is written in sulfur from matches: “Darling, the pot of soup is in the washing machine. I went to a psychiatrist.”
* * *
The wife brought her husband to see the doctor. After the examination, the doctor takes the woman aside and says:
– I don’t like your husband for some reason.
- Me too, doctor. But the problem is that the children love him.
* * *
My husband comes home from work. There is a note on the table: “I left for work, cabbage soup is in the refrigerator, cutlets are on the stove. Don’t wake Kolya in the closet - he’s on the night shift today.”
* * *
The wife brags to her husband:
“Can you imagine, dear, today two young men gave up my seat on the bus.
- And did you fit in?
* * *
The husband returns home from the second shift - hungry, cold, tired. The doorbell rings. Nobody opens. Calling again. They don't open. Husband:
- Lyubka, open the door, you pest! Open the door, they tell you! If you are there with your lover, I will forgive you. But if you eat sausage in one mug, I’ll kill you!
* * *
A drunken husband returns home late at night. His wife threw a scandal at him.
- Why are you shouting like that, my dear? I visited Stepan. We played chess with him.
The wife calls Stepan:
- Stepan, did you have mine?
- There was, there was. And now it sits with me.
* * *
The judge asks the husband:
– Why do you want to divorce your wife?
- You see, she has a stupid habit - she smokes in bed.
- So what? Is this a reason for divorce?
“If your ear was used as an ashtray every night, you wouldn’t ask so many idiotic questions!”
* * *
The husband met old friends and went with them to a tavern to celebrate the meeting. Long after midnight I remembered my wife and decided to call her:
- Al-lo... The road?
- Is that you, dog?
- Are you sure?
- Yep, exactly.
- Are you sure?
- Then I hang up!
* * *
A husband and wife are lying in bed hugging each other. Husband says:
- Darling, you are just like a battery.
– Is it as warm, dear?
- No, darling. The same ribbed one.
* * *
The wife is giving birth. The husband was allowed to be present at the birth and was offered the newest way relief of pain for the wife during childbirth, in which part of the pain is transferred to the father of the child. Labor has begun. Some of the pain is passed on to the husband.
- Well, does it hurt? - asks the doctor.
- No, doctor, it doesn’t hurt.
Another part of the pain was conveyed:
- Doesn't it hurt?
- No, doctor.
All the pain was passed on to my husband.
- Hurt?
- No, doctor, it doesn’t hurt. These are all lies to pity men.
My husband is returning home from the maternity hospital. Doorbell:
- Please give me 20 rubles. This morning your neighbor died under mysterious circumstances.
* * *
The husband says to his wife:
– You know, dear, the latest financial crisis hit our family budget very hard. I'm afraid you'll have to learn to cook so we can fire our cook.
“Darling, maybe it’s better for you to learn how to perform your marital duty better so that we can fire our driver?”
* * *
The wife decided to divorce her husband and came to a lawyer to consult when it was best to do this.
- On New Year, advised the lawyer.
– Why specifically on New Year’s? – the wife was surprised.
- To give my husband double pleasure.
* * *
A husband, wife and little son are riding on a cart from the hayfield.
- Dad, why is the moon round?
- Who the hell knows.
- Dad, why do the stars only shine at night?
– Who the hell knows.
The mother makes a remark to her son:
- Zakhar, leave your father alone. Don't you see, daddy is tired.
- Not really. Let him ask, otherwise who else will explain to him how the world works?
* * *
The husband exclaims:
- And who the hell did our son turn out to be such an idiot?!
- Yes, you still don’t know him.
* * *
My husband comes home from work. Some mysterious wife is sitting in the kitchen. The man realized that there was a lover hidden in the house. I went to look in the bedroom. He comes in and sees a leg sticking out from under the bed.
- What is this? – the husband is indignant.
“Taz,” the wife answers timidly.
The husband kicks the “pelvis” with his foot in frustration:
- Oh, that is, ding.
* * *
The husband reports his wife missing to the police. A week later, a policeman comes to him and reports the results of the work done:
– We have three news for you: one is bad, the other is good, the third is very good. Which one should I start with?
- Start with the bad one.
- Fine. We found your wife's body in the river.
– And you call this bad news? Which one is good?
“When we pulled her out, her whole body was covered in crayfish. The guys and I ran to the stall, bought beer and had a good time.
- And the third news?
- Well, in general, come the day after tomorrow. We will pull her out again.
* * *
- Darling, it seems that you will soon become a dad.
- It seems I will or does it seem I will?
* * *
There is an Englishwoman, a Frenchwoman and a Russian. Englishwoman says:
“When I got married, I told my husband: “Darling, I won’t cook for you.” I don’t see him for a day, then on the third day he comes and brings a food processor. Beauty is not cooking, but pure pleasure.
Frenchwoman says:
“And when I got married, I told my husband: “I won’t do your laundry.” I haven’t seen him for two days now. On the third brings washing machine. Fully automatic, you wash and just relax.
Russian says:
“But when I got married, I told my husband that I wouldn’t do his laundry or cook for him.” I couldn’t see for a day, I couldn’t see for the second day, and on the third day I started to see a little bit in my left eye.
* * *
My husband came home tired and hungry. His wife fed him. They went to bed. At night, she fawns on him this way and that, and he turns to the other side.
- Lyuba, not now. My spikelet is not yet ripe. Tomorrow.
On next night the situation repeats itself. The husband is grumbling again:
- Leave me alone, Lyuba, I want to sleep.
On the third night, he himself begins to pester his wife, and she tells him:
- Well, why are you climbing?
- Darling, the spikelet is ripe.
- Oh, and I’ll start the whole harvester just because of one spikelet!
Bring back your wife, or Who's the boss? My wife and I have been married for ten years, we've known each other for fifteen years, we have a nine-year-old son. This summer we had serious problems. For no apparent reason, my wife announced that she no longer wanted to live with me. And she didn’t! Why? I propose to consider a life situation that contains several basic problems that arise in the process family life under the influence of internal negativity. From a letter from reader Alexey:
“My wife and I have been married for ten years, have known each other for fifteen years, and have a nine-year-old son. This summer we had serious problems. For no apparent reason, my wife announced that she no longer wanted to live with me. And she didn’t! Why? Some of my ideas, and her phrases taken out of context:
I'm terrible in bed. This is what I think, although I try my best.
At the beginning of my family life, I had a mistress for six months, after which I confessed everything to her and repented. I thought that I was forgiven, but on every occasion, they blamed me for it. And now, she uses this to justify her decision to break up, despite the fact that seven years have passed.
I'm not attentive in everyday life. This is her opinion, but it seems to me that he is quite affectionate. And I try to help around the house.
She was tired of solving all the problems herself. Here I have to agree. I do work all day, I have my own business, and I hardly touch the everyday problems of my family.
Drunkenness. I completely agree. Overcame!
I don't understand her and never will. Yes, one hundred percent. I am obsessed with myself, with my problems, complexes, and I don’t talk to her much. This is my ego problem, but many people have this problem.
I am the silent one in the family. But in company I am a soul and a clown. Why is this happening?
She’s probably very tired—it combines all the reasons. A month and a half has passed since she decided to break up with me. I am in the deepest depression. Yes, and she too. I hoped she would change her mind, but she didn't. I cried, begged, threatened, humiliated myself in front of her. I talked to everyone: her parents, sisters, my mother, my friends and her friends, but no result. I even went to see “grandma”. All to no avail. Now we live separately. I am terribly jealous, although I am sure that she is “pure”. But when I find out that she is not at home until late, I go crazy with jealousy, call her and it turns out to be a scandal. I'm ruining everything even more myself. She filed for divorce. I'm waiting for him with horror. Help me understand the real reasons for the problems in my family. I'm not asking for support. I have a lot of it - my parents, my child, my wife’s sisters. I want to understand and correct my mistakes if possible. “I love my wife very much and I want her back.”
It doesn’t happen that your wife decides to leave you without obvious reasons. Let's look for them together and correct the situation in better side. From your assumptions about why your wife left you, it becomes clear that your problem is not with the ego, but with the problem of having internal negativity that needs to be cleansed from. And if you look at your attempts to get your wife back and how you do it, then everything becomes extremely clear. Is this how real men behave? You do everything except one thing that you really need to do in this situation - become a real man. How to do it? Good question. I will also answer this in detail. In addition, you have many advisors who pursue their own goals rather than support you.
If you want to solve your problems and get your wife back, you need to act on your own and listen only to yourself. Answer the following questions honestly.
When problems arise in your family, do you take responsibility for solving them or immediately run for support?
Are you the decision maker in your family or are your parents, child, sisters-in-law, friends or “granny”?
Are you the man and the boss of the house or are they?
Why don't you put everyone in their place and become the master of your life, strong man and the head of the family?
You don’t need to help your wife in everyday life, you need to create normal living conditions, do you feel the difference?
Do you think a woman wants to live with a clown?
Now the main question. How to become a real man?
I'll answer it. In order to become a real man you need the following.
You must take full responsibility for your life and your family.
You must solve all your problems and the problems of your family yourself.
You must provide your family with everything they need.
You must make all vital decisions for yourself and your family yourself.
You must behave like a real man, showing strength, courage and dignity.
You should not humiliate yourself and run outside for advice and support.
You must behave like a real man, in other words, you must not allow yourself to be commanded and controlled by anyone, including your wife.
When you begin to respect, love, appreciate and show the real man in you, then your wife will understand that with you she can be a real woman and will be safe. She will begin to treat you as a real man who can take care of her and her child, and will become a support for her in life. Now apparently she doesn’t trust you with her life. So prove to her that you a real man. But first you need to cleanse yourself of your internal negativity and problems.
Excerpt from Irina Olkhovskaya’s book “Reflection”.
It is traditionally believed that a man is the breadwinner and must solve strategic problems and play the role of a protector, while the woman creates a favorable atmosphere in the house, comfort, as they say, builds a nest, and takes care of the children. But in modern society the opposite is often true. In this case, who is the head and who is the neck in the family, Vecherka journalists argue from a male and female point of view.
Tradition, some physiological characteristics and stereotypes imposed by pop culture (“Eggs, tobacco, fumes and stubble”, S. Shnurov) require us to be courageous, harsh and rude. In this context, the question “who is the boss” seems inappropriate and stupid. Who-who, grandfather Pikhto! Therefore, we have to do our best to live up to the image...
Well, there, kill a dragon or destroy a couple of mills. Sometimes you give in and end up like a white fluffy bunny. But this is only because the slanted stigma has a strong cannon.
And if so, then you need to lisp outside the schedule and suddenly gift the children with something grabbed along the way during the last tour of various establishments.
Ugh...Have you finished reading? Everything above is a pure lie (except for dragons), bold statements for external consumption.
But let us remember: in those glorious times, when everything on this earth was regulated by Domostroy, and women were allowed to speak on command, no one could predict the collapse of the family institution. Which is now expressed in a wild number of divorces in young “cells of society.” But everything could have been different if they had agreed before the registry office which of them was in charge. And here you can give up on Domostroy (which they don’t even know about) and admit: well, yes, it happens that no amount of bristles can save the situation.
For example, my wife, to whom I turned with the question “who do we have...” (and why did I do this), told me (her voice trembled) that the main one is “the one who needs it most.”
Who needs to repair the ceiling in the kitchen, which was damaged by neighbors ten years ago, do something with the tiles in the bathroom and dig out a car from the snow to take their daughter to the pool. And I remembered a dozen more things that I put off until later because there are more important things to do - like fishing or a motorcycle.
I seem to have contained the blow (tradition instructs us...), but deep down I already doubt the answer to this question. Just don't tell your wife.
Anna Gerasimenko, VM columnist
The owner of the house is the one who knows where the generator with the boiler is and how to repair the pump. Kidding.
It’s already ridiculous to talk about a woman as a keeper of the hearth and a man as a breadwinner. I would like to talk about something else. How do we see our roles ourselves? He says: “A woman should be a housewife!” And she is shocked. Because her mother worked all her life, and her father cooked soup. In this example, she grew up as a working woman and hates vacuuming.
Or she says: “A man has to earn money, go, honey, get us some mullions for the Maldives.” But he's not ready. His dad told him all his life that the main thing is meaning, not money. So he got a job in a scientific laboratory. How can you explain this to her? Her dad gave her a pony for her 12th birthday... We usually build a family and distribute roles in it according to the script written by our parents. And often this really prevents us from being happy. It’s good that my friends Olya and Pasha didn’t listen to anyone. Olya wanted a career, money, although her mother believed that she needed to learn how to cook meat with “de la something” sauce. When Olya got married, she tried to become her mother, but her heart called her to the career ladder. But Pasha could not cope with the role of breadwinner at all. Love, common sense and a disregard for the opinions of others won.
The husband and wife agreed to do what they want and what works well.
Olya dove into business, hired a housekeeper, bought a house a couple of years later, gave birth to a son, and a month later went to work. Pasha became the fairy of the hearth. He cooked well and enjoyed playing with his son. This was about 7 years ago. Now they already have three children, Olya is the general director, and Pasha, sitting at home with the children, wrote two good books because I always dreamed about it.
Yes, there was a time when his friends teased him as a “lapdog on Olya’s pillow,” and Olya as a peasant. But they stopped when they saw that everyone was happy. Yes, every woman wants a man to come and deftly fix some leaky tap. I wish the man could hang the bracket himself. Just as a man will be pleased to eat freshly baked favorite cheesecakes.
But will my friend Katya love her husband Sasha less because, having picked up a hammer drill for the first time, he reached out to the neighbors, made a lot of unnecessary holes and brought down the wall? No. Will my friend Lesha love his wife Natasha less because she buys soup and doesn’t know how to bake pies? No.
The owner of the house is the one who brings warmth and love to this very house. And not the one who laid out a beautiful tablecloth or earned money for a new TV.
Finding out that you have cancer is a shock! Many, having heard this diagnosis, cannot come to their senses for a long time. They don't believe it. They inspire themselves with the idea that this is a mistake, that fate cannot deal with them so cruelly. And when realization comes, a cry of despair breaks out: “For what?!” Why me?!" After this, the world seems to be divided into two camps: healthy and sick. The latter often even begin to hate the former. They withdraw into themselves. They hide like a snail in their “house”. They stop communicating. Waiting for the end. And at this time, it is necessary that either the person himself or someone close to him can say: “Wake up! It may not be the end of the world yet!” If the patient did not have the strength to say these words to himself or there were no real friends nearby, then this book is the perfect time to read. We want to encourage the despairing: “This is not the end of the world! You will live!"
Despite the fact that, according to the World Health Organization, more than 7.5 million people die from cancer in the world every year, which is equivalent to 20 thousand deaths every day, someone manages to defeat this deadly disease. Today, according to statistics, almost 20% of those sick are cured! And this figure is growing. After all, medicine is becoming more and more perfect.
Among the lucky ones are Russian and foreign celebrities. Many of them do not hide the fact that they were once given a terrible diagnosis, because they emerged from the struggle as real winners. These are people such as Daria Dontsova, Alisa Kleybanova, Alexander Buynov, Laima Vaikule, Emmanuel Vitorgan, Lyudmila Ulitskaya, Robert de Niro, Michael Douglas, Laura Bush, Kylie Minogue, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Bill Clinton, and many others. Their example is instructive and gives hope to others. After all, these happy cases of recovery show: a person can be stronger than cancer. The fight with the disease hardens like steel and makes a person stronger. Anyone who has looked death in the face at least once gains not only incredible experience of struggle, but is also filled with mercy and wisdom.
Some of famous people We asked Russia to tell us how they overcame their illness. We wanted their experience to help those who are now, this very minute, when you read these lines, struggling with the disease. Conversations and correspondence were difficult. The reaction is different. Many immediately refused the meeting. "This topic is closed! - they reprimanded me sternly. “Don’t reopen old wounds!” They categorically did not want to remember the days of despair. Others, out of superstition, were not only afraid to say the terrible name of the disease out loud, but even to hear it. Still others did not want their name to be remembered again today in connection with this cruel disease, fearing problems in their professional field: what if they stop inviting them to competitions, concerts, and roles?! “We should look successful, healthy, prosperous - in general, the darlings of fortune, whom even the flu bypasses!” – one famous actress explained to me.
« You understand what the problem is, I really don’t want to be associated with this topic,” another star, a famous singer, explained to me. – It hurts me... I’ll be honest with you... It’s very scary for every artist to be associated in people’s minds with such things, and believe me, every person who has gone through this tries to forget what happened, like horrible dream. I’m no exception... Like many others, I see myself blooming, beautiful, forever young, and I really want others to think so too...”
“...If you really want to get involved (the author’s writing style is preserved - Ed.) in such difficult things, I must understand why I am doing this,” another famous actor put forward his conditions. “I touch this topic extremely rarely and only for a lot of money, as was the case, for example, with one central TV channel...” And a tidy sum was mentioned.
Others did not ask for fees for “getting into” the soul, but for a service. “...I certainly don’t ask you for money, because I remember that your project is a charity and you will transfer all the money from the sale of the book to a fund to help cancer patients,” one TV presenter reassured me. - However... I am ready to agree to all your conditions, to do as you ask and in the form that will be convenient for you... if you do what I need. This will be fair and honest. My brother is a writer. Writes fiction - thrillers, detective stories. I need your publishing house to publish his books, perhaps even in the smallest edition, or to begin considering manuscripts with a positive result for us, or to begin the stage of negotiations... In general, I need you to somehow meet halfway in this matter. For my part, I am ready to make every effort to promote the results obtained, as well as to meet halfway in all matters that interest you. I think it will be fair..."
Some communicated with me only through their secretaries and assistants. For example, the secretary of a famous athlete admitted: “He is not very willing to talk about this topic...” Several times she promised to persuade her to bring her “boss” to the meeting, but they did not come on the appointed day. There were also those who simply chimed in with empty phrases: “Thank you for your proposal and interest in... Your letter has been received and sent for consideration. If you are interested, you will be contacted at the specified contacts...” And they were not contacted. There were also those who simply briefly and dryly asked not to mention their name in the book. And they openly sent...
Our stars stubbornly refused to talk about their experiences. Unlike foreigners, who openly laid out all the details of their illness to their media. Maybe they were afraid to jinx it? After all, an insidious disease can return unexpectedly. In general, our failed interlocutors can be understood. Therefore, we “hid” those who did not want to be recognized behind their initials and changed the name of their professional activity. I had to look for information about many stars in electronic and print media. We provide links where the facts were taken from. And we hope for the understanding of both former patients and those whose information we used. We assure you that our goal is noble: using the example of healed stars, we want to prove that cancer can be cured and there is no need to be afraid of it. We are sure that celebrity stories can help many people - both those who are sick at the moment and those who support them. Give them strength and faith.
The editors will transfer part of the profits from the sale of this book to the Happy World charity foundation, which provides assistance to children with cancer, as well as with cerebral palsy and diseases of the nervous system - http://blagotvoritelnyi-fond.ru/.
Emmanuel Vitorgan,
actor, 74 years old
"I didn't think about death"
In the early 1990s, People's Artist of Russia Emmanuel Vitorgan managed to defeat a malignant tumor in his lung.
“I only found out about cancer when I was operated on,” says Emmanuil Gedionovich. – If I had heard about him earlier, my nerves would have been exposed! And so I didn’t think about the disease. And there was only one thought in my head: to quickly get back on my feet. Although I was very weak. I practically didn’t go. And I was tormented by severe pain in my chest... Oh, even remembering it now hurts...
“They took me to the operating room completely naked,” continues Emmanuil Vitorgan. – There is a crowd of doctors around. And suddenly I felt very ashamed. I say: “Well? One for all and all for one? They told me: “Yes!” – and put an oxygen mask on my face...
When I woke up, I saw the face of Allochka (the actor’s wife. – Ed.). She smiled and said, “Hi! I love you!" You know, it was worth fighting for your life just for this one moment. I was so happy!
...Vitorgan actually learned that he had undergone surgery on his lung, removing a malignant tumor, after the fact. His wife Alla Balter hid the real cause of the illness, fearing a nervous breakdown.
– They deceived me, they said that they were treating me for tuberculosis! – recalls Vitorgan. – I even abruptly quit smoking. But when they told me the truth, I didn’t think about death - only about how to get well.
71% of Russians are sure that the man should be the head of the family. Another 13% consider a “neck” wife to be a much more effective and “politically savvy” leader. The rest prefer to divide all rights and responsibilities approximately in half between both spouses.
Alla's story
“In my family, the main thing has always been and remains the husband. In general, I believe that the leader is the one who has the money,” the smart and beautiful Allochka immediately dots all the i’s. Once she was a star in her class and even began to build a good career, but then she met her future husband and settled at home. “Yes, my mother is scared that I won’t earn a pension for myself,” Alla laughs. - But I’m not afraid of being left without a penny in my old age. My husband won't allow it." In her house, Alla resolves all everyday issues, but the last word still remains with Vadim. Where to go on vacation in the summer, what language courses to choose for children, what to cook for dinner - a woman asks her husband for approval in everything. “This is completely normal, because Vadim is our breadwinner,” she is sure. - And I don’t feel disadvantaged in any way. For example, I can afford the best cosmetologist in the city, expensive clothes, hobby, relaxation by the sea. My husband will give me all this.”
Marina's story
“Modern men, in principle, cannot be leaders in the family - most are “not in the know”, even how much bread costs in the store and what size shoes their child has. Perhaps there are rare exceptions in nature, but I personally have not encountered them. It’s more convenient for me to manage my family myself, so at least I maintain confidence in the future. My husband never tried to become the main one in our couple, he initially preferred that I decide everything; in his parents’ family, the mother-in-law also runs everything. Yes, I get tired, sometimes I want to be weak, to lean on my man. And yet, it’s much calmer if I distribute our budget myself, schedule vacations, make arrangements with repairmen, and monitor the children’s progress. My husband earns almost twice as much as me, but he just gives me all the money, and I already handle all the purchases, payments, and so on. In family life it is better to do without surprises. My fourteen-year-old son is a copy of his father. He is also unable to cook his own food, does not wash his own clothes and does not wash the floors in his room. I struggled with this for a while, but then I gave up - in the end, my son will always be able to find himself a woman who will feed him borscht and iron his shirt for the opportunity to be with him.”
Expert commentary
Psychologist Irina Maksimova: “Historically, the head of the family should be a man. He is the breadwinner, the protector, the support; he is responsible for making vital decisions, especially in emergency situations. The wife’s task is to create comfort in the home and raise children. But in our time, a woman also needs a certain self-realization, not only to maintain self-esteem, but also for safety net - so that if she loses her husband, she can provide herself and her children with a more or less comfortable existence. That is, if you look closely, both have their own circle of authority and both can feel needed, responsible, recognized and competent in the family. However, this is ideal. But in practice, it often happens that a woman is forced to put up with her husband’s weakness or laziness and solve problems both for herself and for him. Or she herself kills any initiative in him and strives to lead in everything, doing herself a disservice - her chosen one becomes a domestic drone, and for years she carries an unbearable load on herself. Harmony and happiness are possible only if balance is maintained. But it needs to be agreed upon at the very beginning of the relationship.
Unfortunately, there cannot be two captains on one ship. And it shouldn't! A man, if he is, of course, normal, responsible and serious, is the brain of the family. And the woman is his heart, right hand and, if you like, a bundle of nerves. Psychologists are confident that any man can be turned into “hope and support” if he is not disturbed. It’s better to create a comfortable microclimate for your chosen one and don’t compete with him. A man needs to be trusted, even if his decisions at first glance seem wrong. And don’t complain later that there was a weakling and a slacker nearby, unable to provide for his family or whitewash the ceiling. And leadership, after all, does not consist in the fact that someone knows how to wave a brush; even an invited specialist can cope with this.”
Principles of a wise wife
Advice from psychologists for the true “neck”, which, as you know, is obedient to any head.
1 . There is no need to “pretend”. If you want to convey something to your husband, demonstrate to him your attitude to the situation, choose a convenient moment, formulate the main idea in your head, and then calmly and intelligibly voice it. Don’t pretend to be offended or pleased, sad or happy, if you are not. Try to play fair.
2. Healthily assess your mental and physical capabilities. And don’t take on more than you can handle (including morally). Husbands are not always to blame for the fact that their wife, exhausted at work, decides to enroll the child in another useful club, and at the same time starts renovating the kitchen, promises her mother to plant a hectare of potatoes on Saturday, and at the same time takes another bride price for the house. If you feel like you are straining yourself, reconsider your priorities and be sure to involve other family members in household chores.
3 . Do not enter into coalitions with other family members. Find out the relationship with your husband one-on-one, without involving children and leaking incriminating evidence to your mother, friend, neighbor and colleagues. Remember that the number of participants involved in your conflict only increases the scale of the problem, and the chances of solving it peacefully are inexorably falling.
4 . Listen to your husband. Even an inveterate silent man will share his experiences and plans with his wife, who is ready to listen to him.
5. Respect personal time and space - yours and your husband's.
6. Always think about the example your children see in front of them.
7. Don’t make demonstrations with statements: “I’m tired. I'm leaving". And don’t blame your husband for laziness and indifference. It’s better to turn to him with requests more often, and then agree.
At first, it is very difficult to calmly nod in response to his refusal, for example, to go to the store. But you have to! Prepare dinner from the “axe” that you find in the refrigerator, and the next day repeat your request, explaining that otherwise the whole family will be left without dinner.
8. Talk about your weakness and fatigue out loud. Yes, you can't carry heavy things because it's harmful for women. If you have a headache or give up, rest. Take a pill, pour some tea and lie down for half an hour, and don’t try with all your might to wash the dishes or iron the clothes. First of all, they are not going anywhere. And secondly, it’s time for your household to learn that their mother and wife are also human.
9. Stop getting annoyed, nagging and criticizing your husband. Don't give him advice until he asks, and don't give him orders. From now on, your weapons are praise, compliments and sincere requests.
WHAT DO MEN THINK?
69% Russian men They believe that in a family the woman is responsible for relationships, and the man is responsible for a stable income. At the same time, in 47.6% of our families, the woman receives more.
85.1% of Russian-made husbands have a nest egg that they plan to spend only on themselves.
51% of men prefer to control all expenses that occur in the family.
82% of men are confident that the final decision on every decision important for their family depends on them.
43% of respondents assured sociologists that they regularly help their wife with housework. Another 39% do this occasionally. Moreover, 77% prefer to separate women's and men's responsibilities.
When it comes to raising children, 64% of men consider it the duty of both parents. And 27% say that a woman would be better able to handle such a difficult task.
Svetlana KOBYSH.
Photo: kakprosto.ru
