Photo: Tatiana Gladskikh/Rusmediabank.ru

Let's talk about family, priorities and barbarians. I will tell you about my view on raising boys. And I’m sure only a few will agree, but I hope that someone will think about it.

Correctly set priorities are societies and states. If the values ​​are adequate, then success is predictable. But a misalignment can ruin everything. And you should start looking for problems with your family. So let's think about it - what are your priorities?

Majority opinion

Today, the center of the universe of most mothers is their children. How often, when communicating with young mothers, I detect in their words concern, concern for the kids, but at the same time almost complete indifference to the man. Think about it, who is more important to you – your child or your husband? I don’t force you to choose, you don’t need to give up on anyone, just analyze - who occupies your thoughts more often?

And now the next experiment, after you have answered the first question, who is more important - you or the person you chose in the last paragraph?

Everyone will have their own result. But most often I observe the following picture: the most important person is the child, the second most important person is the woman herself, and in last place is the man. Surprisingly, the child often comes first alone, even if there are several of them in the family. But with many children, the man is still lower than the rest.

Is this right or wrong? How should things really be? Let's figure it out.

Historical features

Humanity has lived in peace for several million years. During this period, natural instincts and rules were formed that helped to survive. The family was formed a long time ago, and its components were a man, a woman and children. But family well-being in the era of ancient people directly depended on the protector. The man protected his cell from animals, other men, and natural disasters. He, of course, also brought food, but the woman and children could collect something themselves to survive. But they could not fully defend themselves.

What kind of families were there? The main thing remained the man himself. The woman understood that if she died, then who would take care of her children? And every person instinctively values ​​himself above others. The second place in the family hierarchy was occupied by the man. He must be healthy, strong, well-fed. Without him, the existence of the family was jeopardized, the likelihood of survival was very low. Well, then there were children in the chain. High mortality, frequent childbirth and many other factors reduced the value of babies. This does not mean that they were loved less. But there was logic - if a child dies, you can give birth to another one. If a man dies, it is unlikely that all the other children and the woman with them will survive.

The example is rough, but illustrative. In addition to care, the man was also entitled to respect, sometimes in excessive forms. The man was the head of the family, clan, society. But all this is in reality, when protection was necessary. In the event of serious threats, the woman obeyed, understanding that her life depended on the strength of the companion and, in general, his presence. But times have changed...

When everything is there

An example of a changing situation is the Roman Empire before its fall. The huge empire extended over a large territory. And as a result, there was no one to defend against. Society demanded “bread and circuses”. But at the same time, there was plenty of everything: there were no hungry people in the holy city, and external enemies were too far away.

During this period, it was not the political system that changed, but the education of the younger generation. If before this mothers valued their husbands more, then when protection became less important, they began to love their children more. What has changed? There was a much greater fear of losing them than the man. Respect for the stronger sex has decreased.

Children raised with excessive care were no longer so independent, not so strong. Their dependence on their mother increased. And the ladies tried in every possible way to protect them from pain, suffering, and trials. Defenders were no longer needed, their value was falling, but managers, scientists, and advisers were held in high esteem.

What happened next? Two or three generations without respect for protection led to the fact that each subsequent woman valued her children above a man and considered this the norm. With each generation, men became weaker. And then the barbarians came, and for a very a short time swept the empire off the face of the earth. It just turned out that there was no one to protect her. Weak men could not defend their country.

Terrible conclusions

Many may not agree with me, but I am sure that in a family a man should be more important than children. Respect for him, his interests, his needs should be higher than the desires of the children. there must be much more than those born from him. The correct hierarchy will allow us to educate the new generation in a new way.

Well, how can a worthy younger man grow up in a family where a man is not respected? Condemning the father or contempt for him will not help create an ideal son using a bad example.

What kind of children grow up in families where priorities are wrong? Pleasers... The son tries to behave differently, not like the “bad” father. And this is no longer a sign of strength. – this is the one who has his own position and defends it. If he adapts, tries to always be good, fearing his mother’s “dislike,” will he be able to become worthy?

Surprisingly, today's women are 100% sure that the child is more important than everyone else, and sometimes even themselves. This is not the first generation that thinks this way, they were also raised this way. And they continue the tradition, creating men who know nothing about protection and strength.

And it even begins to seem to me that history will soon repeat itself. Let's look at Europe. Are the men of these prosperous countries ready to repel the new barbarians? It seems to me that they don’t know about protection, but let’s hope I’m wrong.

When people start building relationships, sooner or later, the question arises: “Who is the boss in the family?” Some believe that the head family relations must be a man. Others argue that this is an overabundance of the past and a woman can also lead the family nest. Whose opinion is actually true? Now let's try to figure it out.

Is the man the boss of everything?

Since ancient times, there has been an opinion that a man should be the master. This happened because he was the breadwinner, and the woman worked at home with housework. She had no right to contradict her husband and had to do everything he said.

IN modern world everything is far from the same. A woman is able to provide for herself and realize herself in life. If in a family a man was raised as the head of his future life, then he will try to take over the basics of government in the relationship. It is from this moment that conflicts with the opposite sex begin. In this case, the man should talk with his other half and distribute responsibilities.

How to understand who is in charge in the family: husband or wife?

Nowadays it is rare to meet a family in which there will be main man. There are several criteria by which championship can be determined. Here are some of them:

1. the influence of the other half on decision-making (the influence can be hidden, open, using the necessary levers to make a decision);
2. the last word always belongs to the head of the family (no matter what they say, the decision is made by the leader);
3. distribution of funds for necessary needs.

If you find yourself in these criteria, then you can call yourself a leader in a relationship.

What ways are there to determine who is the head of the family?

On the Internet, on various resources, you can find different methods and ways to understand who is in charge. Let's look at some of them now.

There are arguments that if the head of a man’s family was his mother, then he grows up to be a weak-willed person and needs care and guardianship. If the father was the head of a woman’s family, then she gets used to obeying and can hardly decide anything herself.

Toes

Start by taking off your shoes and paying attention to your toes. If the second finger is longer than the first, then we can safely talk about leadership in the family.

Dog to the rescue

If you have a common dog that obeys one of the spouses, then you can safely talk about leadership. This happens because dogs are intelligent creatures and sense many things. She uses the smell of a person to determine who is in charge and obeys him.

There are also families in which both partners are the main ones. Conflicts often arise in such relationships. This happens because no one wants to give up primacy to each other. Unfortunately, such families either break up or find a compromise. But one will still suppress the other. Therefore, such a family can rarely be called happy. The most important thing is to learn to make concessions to each other. If this happens, then the relationship can be saved and people can be happy.

This article revealed the moments that are so important in our lives. Building relationships is a lot of work. After all, obstacles can await you at every step. To overcome them easily, you need to be not only mentally strong, but also be a partner for your soulmate.

Mother's Notes

Who is the boss in the house? If you believe the popular song “dad is, of course, the head of the house, if mom, of course, is not,” if you believe your eyes and ears, looking around the expanses of many familiar houses, then the head of the house is, perhaps, most often the wife. And often the husband is not at all against this arrangement. Less power means less responsibility. The wife is the head of the family even when it is declared that the head is the husband. This is when “the wife is the neck”, wherever I want, the head will turn there.

You can find families in which the head is really the husband. A real head, a wise leader, whom all household members really respect, love, and whose advice they really want to follow. And there are also fairy-tale, dragon, multi-headed families. Both the wife and the children are trying to be the heads of them at the same time. Grandmothers have more experience, and children get the best. It is difficult to determine who is more important and louder in this situation.

Who is the boss in the house? Why, why on earth – the main one? This is not an idle question. This is the question of why we are together. Why, for what we are a family.

The main one is who earns more money? Logical. This is when we live for money.

The main one, “on whom the whole house rests”? Also logical. This is when the floor is clean, hot borscht and ironed shirts, that is, “everyday life” and “comfort” are what we live for.

The home is led by the family value system.

The home is led by the family's value system, and this value system determines everything

And this value system determines everything. All. How we talk to each other. Where does our morning begin? How we sit down at the table. What is the layout of the rooms in our house? Where do children go for the summer? How we greet the news of pregnancy. How we face the death of someone we loved...

Every family, from the moment the future spouses meet, from the first spoken words about marriage, determines for itself this main value. This value is the very thing that unites two souls into one house - or this value gradually grows along with the structure of the house. One way or another, it is this value that becomes the foundation of the house and completes it, heads it. At first it could be one value - and gradually it will be replaced by another. We can also specifically, consciously renounce one value and dedicate our home to a completely different one. How a monastery grows on a destroyed temple, how a pagan temple turns into a place of service to the True God.

A family can even be a paradise: “...make your home a heaven,” the same John Chrysostom calls us. And then he adds completely amazing words, my favorite words:

“Where husband and wife and children are united in harmony and love by the bonds of virtue, there is Christ in the midst.” .

Christ can be “in the midst” of our home. Inside our house. The living God is with us.

The family – the small Church – is headed by God

Provided that there is love and harmony in the house. If we are all united with each other not only by everyday life, not only by pleasant feelings, but also by the desire for virtue... And God will be the main thing in the house.

The head of every man is Christ, the head of every wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.(1 Cor.11:3).

It turns out that there is such a hierarchy in the family, in marriage: the wife has a head, and this is her husband; and the husband, in turn, has a head - this is Christ. The main one in such a family is God Himself.

“In marriage there is always a third person - the Face of God Himself”, writes S. Troitsky, a researcher of the patristic teaching on marriage.

The family—the small Church—is headed by God. And he enters this house and is inside it. God, who created heaven and earth, may be among us. And it really is possible. This is a real family: one in which God is the main one.

Relationships in the family - to God

In a family we are connected to each other. Mutual obligations, mutual responsibility. Christ is in the midst of every relationship in a real family. Let's see what it looks like.

Husband

A husband must love his wife just as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for her(Eph. 5:25-33). It’s not easy to love. Loving your wife is with God, for God’s sake, as the path to God:

“It is not so much for her own sake that one should love her, but for the sake of Christ... So, do everything out of obedience to the Lord and as if you were doing everything for His sake.”

How exactly to love, where is the measure of this love - it is said: like Christ. To death. In everyday life it is also very clear:

“At least you see that she neglects you, that she is depraved, that she despises you, know how to bring her to your feet with your great care for her, love and friendship. There are no bonds stronger than these, especially for husband and wife... the community of life... must be tied to oneself not with fear and threats, but with love and affection.”

As long as everything goes well, as long as everything is in order, it is not difficult to love your wife for her own sake, for the sake of the joy that communication with your beloved, beautiful, dear woman brings. And when everything turns upside down, when the wife does everything wrong, and says the wrong thing, and is hysterical, and a quarrelsome woman, and the very sight of this grumpy woman causes irritation... In the end, when she herself does not fulfill the duties assigned to her, when she doesn’t listen to her husband and is even “depraved”... Then it’s already a feat for Christ’s sake - to love her. Then it’s a feat to wrap her in warm care, “love and friendship.” For the sake of Christ, in whose Name we live, to whom our House is dedicated, for the sake of obedience to the true Head of the family.

Wife

A wife must obey her husband how the Church obeys Christ(Col. 3:18, Eph. 22-24). And again - to obey not for the sake of your husband (although for his sake too), and not for the sake of peace and harmony in the family (although peace is ensured), but as if serving God, serving the One for whose sake all relationships in the family are built, for whose sake - this whole house. According to Chrysostom, a wife must obey her husband “if not for the sake of her husband, then, especially, for the sake of the Lord.” This, the teacher of the Church continues, means leaving a husband or wife to follow Christ: that is, fulfilling one’s duty of love for one’s wife and, accordingly, obedience to one’s husband precisely for the sake of God, precisely as service to God. And the saint reminds us, wives, of the words of the apostle:

“If you obey your husband, then think that you obey as one who works for the Lord.” .

It is easy to listen to the one you love, it is easy to obey the husband who loves you. For whom you are the only one, beautiful, dear. But minor and serious problems, illnesses, grievances, fatigue, in the end, the obvious antics of the female psyche during pregnancy and during ordinary female conditions - all this first of all spills over into the relationship with her husband. And if at this time you see only your husband, then... it’s not so easy to pull yourself together, it’s not so easy to force yourself to obey him. The one who, of course, is wrong (how can you put greens in soup before potatoes?! How can you allow children to watch cartoons for 4 hours in a row? How can you put a plate of blueberries on a white tablecloth in front of a child?!). Listening to your husband at this time is difficult, almost impossible.

What if you look not at the husband who calls, but turn to God? To obey my husband is not because he is right, but because the Lord is right, who commanded me to obey. Obeying your husband is like making a sacrifice to God. And the most amazing thing is that in such cases, when for the sake of the Lord, and not in the name of logic and especially not in the name of demonstrating obedience (now the husband will see all the absurdity of his orders!) he manages to defeat his pride, his desire to emerge victorious in all quarrels , – then everything falls into place. For the sake of such a tiny feat, the Lord, the Head of our house, gives peace to our house. And love gives - not the love that “by itself” once brought us to each other, but a new love, even stronger and stronger. And after such a small effort on oneself, made precisely for the sake of God, “natural”, easy obedience to the husband appears, obedience in love for him, obedience in the joy of agreement and like-mindedness... Yes, like-mindedness in the family is achieved somehow even banally: the wife obeys her husband - and there can be no disagreement:

“It was not simply and not in vain that Paul showed great concern for this matter when he said: “Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.” Why? Because if they are of the same mind, then their children are raised well... But if the opposite happens somewhere, then everything is a mess there...”

This is how easily peace and unanimity come to the house: if a wife hears and listens to her husband, where will disagreements come from? The very mechanism for the emergence of quarrels, anarchy, “disorder” in which our children are usually brought up - children of disorderly families - is destroyed...

This is also not just a theory or ideology. This attitude towards children affects the entire structure of our care for children. We send our children to sambo and to the swimming pool, we look for English courses for them with a native-speaking teacher, we prepare them for mathematics olympiads, we read funny books by Astrid Lindgren, turn on cartoons about rabbits and films about Sherlock Holmes - but the main thing is always what the Lord entrusted our children to us for. The main thing is when we do not allow children’s activities, children’s hobbies to grow and support children’s sins and passions. The main thing is when we build every child’s day, and the entire space of children’s activities, in memory of this main thing. The main thing is when the “teaching of the Lord” precedes and accompanies all other types of teaching children and all our communication with our children. The main thing is when we begin every task, every day, and every seventh day we join our small Church to the Great Church. When the community of our entire family with the Church of Christ, with the teachings of the Church permeates the entire structure of life in our home.

If the Lord entrusted us, namely us, with the upbringing of our children, this also means the degree of involvement of parents in the upbringing of children. We can no longer brush aside this task, this commandment, “because there is no time,” and even because “I don’t know how to raise children,” we cannot easily and completely throw this good yoke onto someone else’s shoulders. Moreover, in our house, above our house, there is our Head, our true Father, Educator and Teacher - the Lord, who will always take care of our children. Will help us raise them. If we ask Him for help, if we generally call Him into our home, if we dedicate our home to Him. Then it turns out that our children are born and live in the house of God... Nothing less. Because what else can you call a house in which God is the Head? What else can you call a small Church?

If the Lord entrusts us with children, then we will greet the arrival of a new baby with joy: after all, this is not an accidental “flight”, but a gift to our home, a gift from our God. And with calm confidence: since the Lord gave the baby, He will help us take care of him. And if it seems to us that we are not ready, that we cannot cope... it only seems so: God gave - He will help us cope, He knows when and who to bring to our home. And all we can do is accept the baby, love him and raise him. For the One who sent it to us.

And if He took the baby... Big, small or long-awaited, but not yet born... This is a grief that can destroy the house. This is grief. But it destroys when the house is not towards God, not in God. But a real family is the house of God. After all, the baby is God’s. After all, the birth of a baby is not a prize, not a toy, birth is a task to raise a little person for his true Lord and Father. Our God, our King entrusted us with education - and took our pupil back to Himself. We loved this baby, we cared for him - but our King withdrew His commission. We thought we would raise the baby until he grew up. So that he himself can continue to live - live towards God, go to God and enter into. And the Lord gave us to take care of him not until he was an adult, but just the first trimester of pregnancy, or just until his fifth birthday... And he went to God, to his Father, much earlier than we had hoped. But the main thing is that in the end, now or in eighty years, he comes to Him, into His hands... Isn’t that what we prayed for from the very moment the pregnancy test showed two red stripes?

Everything in a real family is towards God and in God. And therefore - everything is simple, everything is easy, even when it is too difficult and not at all easy. Our whole house is in God’s hands...

With love and unanimity for the Indivisible Trinity

It’s like this: serving God in the family seems to turn us away from each other. And indeed, Chrysostom says: listening to a husband for the sake of God means “leaving husband and wife” by following Christ. And it turns out as if we, going to God, are leaving each other. But the miracle is that everything is exactly the opposite. After all, all these commandments about family relationships literally force us to be closer to each other, closer, in general, nowhere.

We go to God - and unite along this path, this path with each other

Abba Dorotheos says that God is the sun, and we humans are like the rays of the sun: the closer we are to God, the closer we are to each other. These are the two main commandments: “love God” and “love your neighbor.” We go to God - and unite along this path, this path with each other. This happens even with a monk, to whom the words of Abba Dorotheos are mainly addressed. What can we say about family!

In a family we go to God together. truly, forever connects us with each other.

We are bound not only by mutual debt, mutual obligations, by those commandments that we, family people, must observe if we consider ourselves Christians.

A family is a single organism. This is a unit, not a set

A family is a single organism. This is a unit, not a multitude.

It all starts with an incomprehensible thing: husband and wife are one person. Saint John Chrysostom says:

“It is known that from the beginning God took special care of this union, and, speaking about both, He expresses himself as one: I created husband and wife (Mark 10:6)... He arranged from the beginning, uniting them into one, as if on a stone foundation."

Many times, in a variety of sermons, the saint repeats that “a husband and wife are not two people, but one person.”

“From the ideal point of view of God’s perfection and God-manhood, that is, what a truly Christian and most perfect married couple should be, it is “one flesh,” one indivisible bodily-spiritual organism, with one body and one soul, one mind, one heart, one will "- wrote the teacher of St. Hilarion (Trinity) prof. M.D. Muretov.

The community of husband and wife is less intimate, but also strong connection parents and children - not idle words or abstract philosophy. Yes, of course, husband and wife are two halves, we love each other, and we love our children. But, as it turns out, this situation moves from the category of a romantic image into a plane that for a believer is incredibly serious and even scary.

This is how Saint John Chrysostom addresses the father of the family:

“Is it really possible that if our wives and children are disorderly, we will be held accountable for them? Yes, if (this happens) because we do not accept strict measures, because for salvation our own virtue is not enough for us... but the (virtue) of another is also required.”

That's it - your own virtue is not enough. You won’t be able to work hard yourself, but others will do it somehow, at their discretion. A family man will not be able to go to God if he does not lead and does not try to bring both his wife and his children to Him. Here are the words of Chrysostom, from another of his sermons:

“You are responsible for saving both children and household members. Just as we will give an account for you, so each of you is responsible... for your wife and for your son.”

This responsibility in itself makes us one. And this whole begins to live like a living organism, sick or healthy.

It seems that the doctrine of salvation speaks of the salvation of a person’s soul. But the house can also be saved as a single soul. For example - salvation has come to the house (τῷ οἴκῳ) therefore(Luke 19:9). Salvation is not for the owner of the house alone, not for the housewife alone, not for the servant of God Alexander or Elena, John or Vasilisa - but for the house.

A house can be saved - and can perish, “fall into wickedness”, and also - as a single whole, as a connectedness, as the interdependence of household members. In the book “The Shepherd” of Hermas, included in the “Writings of the Apostolic Men,” we read:

"Not for you actually The Lord is angry with you, but because of your house, which has fallen into wickedness<…>And you, loving children, did not admonish your family, but allowed them to be corrupted." . .

We have obligations to each other. And before God. This is not just a tradition, not just a way of life, but a path to salvation. Fulfill all these obligations - together, with the whole house, go to God. Yes, the house can walk. To God or from God. And the house goes to God if it is a real house. And, one by one, we gradually move from our earthly home to eternity, to God. We must, we must come to God. And then it turns out that some of our family are still here on earth, while others are already “in place,” already with God. And the house goes into eternity. And the house turns out to be eternal.

This is how a house is built: from earth to eternity. From the very beginning – and forever.

Saint John Chrysostom suggests that the husband speak about this to his wife immediately after the wedding:

“Real life means nothing, and I ask, and beg, and try in every possible way to make us worthy of arranging real life in such a way that we can meet each other completely fearlessly there, in the next century. The present tense is brief and unreliable; If we are worthy to cross this life, pleasing God, then we will dwell forever with Christ in great joy. I prefer your love to everything, and nothing can be as hard for me as ever being separated from you.”

To be together forever, to be with God forever

Never be separated - neither in earthly life nor in eternity. To be together forever, to be with God forever.

Fulfilling the commandments entrusted to us, family people, can be a difficult feat. Probably comparable to martyrdom or foolishness... If you have to serve God in the family - alone, if you have to love your obstinate wife for the sake of God, if you have to be submissive to a hard-hearted husband for the sake of God. Do not abandon your cross, but carry it to the end. Even to death... After all, they don’t come down from the cross. They are taken down from the cross...

But if we follow this path together, if we serve God together in this way, then our home will truly become heaven on earth. Where the husband surrounds his wife with care, love and friendship, where the wife is obedient to her husband and like-minded with him, where parents devote themselves to caring for their children and raising them, where all relationships are in love for each other and for God. And we will restore this heaven, this paradise again and again, when our pride, our passions lead us astray from our chosen path. They shot down, they are shooting down and will continue to shoot down as long as we live on this earth... And we, falling, will get up again, and again we will walk, crawl, climb, helping each other, pulling each other out. So that our children are born and grow up in the house of God. To serve God as is available to us, as He Himself commanded us. So that we all meet in the Kingdom of Heaven. So that our family may remain forever with Christ, with the Head of our home. And so that our love never ceases.

What is happening to us at this moment? What do we gain by becoming head of the family? Does this make us happy? The husband is a poodle, the children do not respect their father, there are a lot of responsibilities and problems that a woman has to solve, quarrels and discontent, stress. Is it possible to remain a woman in this situation? And is it possible to talk about a happy future for such a family?

There is also an opinion that there cannot be a main thing in a family and all issues must be resolved together. Nothing is decided together. Someone always makes a decision.

Or there are statements like this: “In my family, the husband is the main one. (Even though I earn more and do everything around the house and raise children). Let my husband think so.” Such words are just another illusion. Your husband doesn’t think so, so you do everything yourself.

Let's remember the basic male need.

It is vital for a man to fulfill his main role as the breadwinner and breadwinner of the family. At the same time, the most important thing is that the family needs this male role of his. If a woman can do everything herself, earn money, raise children, then this male role becomes unclaimed, which means the man will not do anything. He may even have doubts about the meaning of his existence.

Dream modern woman: — “I am taller, faster, bigger and independent! Join me, and we will plow together for the good of the family!”

This is the unfulfilled dream of a huge number of women. The main need of a man is to be a leader, to be first, and not to follow his wife.

A man needs to be superior to a woman in the main role - the breadwinner. Competition between spouses will lead such a family to collapse. A man constantly competes in the outside world, but when he comes home, he wants to take off his armor. Accordingly, if he also has to fight for his place at home, then, as a rule, he stops fighting for his place in his career and at work. He can't compete all the time.

And only a woman who is able to understand this will happily agree to give leadership in the family to a man. Only when you fully agree with the idea that a man is the head of the family, only then can you be a woman and your husband a man. Only then will you be able to build harmonious relationships. If you want to be happy, you must fulfill your role and leave the man to his role.

I have already written more than once that the transition stage is the most difficult. Not everything will work out right away, you won’t immediately notice that you are again trying to do everything your own way, that you are making decisions again, and are only asking your husband to agree with you. Sometimes there will be resistance to the leadership of a man in the family. Don't stop, go forward.

If you decide to surrender the mandate of “head of family”, initial stage These practical recommendations will help you:

1) There is no need for any special conversations with your husband. Like, I decided to develop femininity and I no longer want to be the head of the family, so I solemnly transfer this role to you. Most likely, you will scare your husband with such conversations, and nothing will change. I'll tell you a million dollar secret: start agreeing with your husband on everything. He says: “I don’t want to go to my mother today.” You answer: - Okay. He says: “I don’t want to do repairs.” You answer: - As you say!

Start showing not by word, but by deed, that you respect his opinion. You not only transfer responsibility to your husband, but also the right to make decisions. Your task is to agree with his decisions.

2) You will have to stop being irritated and nagging your husband. You should no longer give your husband advice. Even if he has some problems and he shares them with you, wait, he also has a head, not only you. Often we begin to criticize our husband’s decisions because we are very afraid that he will make a mistake. But he is a man, and even if he makes a mistake, he is able to draw conclusions. He is the head of the family, not your child and you are not his mother.

3) As for your earnings, here you must make your own decision. No one will take this responsibility for you, and no one will give you the right advice. The decision must be made by you. Either you will reduce your activities and earn less, or you will quit your job. This method is shown to be especially strong and hardworking. I am sure that if I had not completely given up my earnings, I would not have been able to transfer leadership to my husband. Many women write about maternity leave with admiration that they did not even think that the man would have the ability to support her and their child. But this is where your trust in a man begins. You will have to step back, you will have to start trusting and become obedient. What an interesting word. I promise we will talk about this in more detail. Don't miss out and subscribe to site updates!

And in conclusion, let me remind you once again: changes will happen VERY SLOWLY. If you even mentally argue with your husband, all this will result not in agreement, but in a quarrel. We need to be patient. Don't quibble over little things. And remember, the male role is also difficult for him, just like the female role for you.

Tatyana Dzutseva

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MALE AND FEMALE ROLES

Female roles:

housewife

The male and female roles clearly defined above are not mere customs or traditions, but a God-ordained order. It was God who made man the head of the family, telling Eve: “Your desire is for your husband, and he will dominateabove you." The man was also destined to become a protector, as he was given strong muscles, great physical stamina and masculine courage. In addition, God commanded him to provide for his family, saying: “By the sweat of your brow you will eat bread,until you return to the ground from which you were taken, for dust you are, and to dust you will return.” This command was given to a man, not a woman (Genesis 3:16,19).

A woman has a different purpose. She must be bypowerhouse, mother and mistress of the house. In Hebrew the word assistant means woman standing in front of him. This meaning nullifies the idea that women are destined for only secondary, insignificant roles. This is the meaning of the word bypowerful woman explains that woman was created equal to man. In the book "The Charm of Femininity" we use the word assistant to denote the role of a wife in the sense that a wife understands, supports, and sometimes helps her husband. Since a woman’s biological characteristics enable her to bear children, her role mothers undeniable. Role homeher mistresses there is also no doubt: she must raise children and manage the household in order to free her husband to fulfill his functions as the breadwinner of the family (Genesis 2:18).

Male and female roles different in function, But equalby importance. In Henry A. Bowman's book Marriage in Modern Society, the author compares the marital partnership to images such as a key and a lock joined together in a functional unity. He writes: “Together they can accomplish what neither of them can do separately. The task will not be completed if two locks or two keys are involved. Each partner is unique, but no one, taken separately, is perfect. Their roles cannot be called identical or interchangeable. Neither is superior to the other, since both are necessary. Each must be judged according to its functions, since they complement each other.”

Division of labor

As can be seen, the main task of the family stems from division of labor. Interestingly, modern researchers have proven that this ancient plan is the most optimal option for human cooperation. In the 1970s, several large industries in America joined forces in a research project to identify the most effective structure in which harmonious work was possible without discord in teams, especially with regard to psychological compatibility.

Research, in particular, took place in hippie communities that appeared somewhat earlier, in the 1960s. These groups of idealists were not built on the principles of division of labor, but on equality. Men and women shared daily chores equally. Women worked shoulder to shoulder with men in the fields and building shelters. Men, like women, were involved in household chores and raising children.

Scientists have discovered interesting fact: Equality was not consistent with differences between men and women. Women were better at some types of work, and men at others. Women's hands, more delicate and dexterous, darned and sewed more efficiently, and men were better adapted to carrying heavy loads and digging. However, the most striking discovery of scientists was the fact that when people tried to do work as equals, disagreements began. People argued, fought and even hated each other. For this reason, entire communities disintegrated. Scientists have come to the conclusion that the best option organizing teamwork is division of labor. So God had a perfect plan for the family.

The greatest success in family life comes when the husband and wife fulfill their roles faithfully and faithfully. On the other hand, the biggest problems arise when one of them is unable or unwilling to fulfill his role, takes on someone else's functions, or shows too much concern about the fulfillment or non-fulfillment of the other's role.

To succeed in your role with great feelingyour responsibility, take on the role of your own woman. Let it cares only you. Of course, you can hire help to run the house or have your children help you with this. But it is you who must be responsible for order in this area.

To achieve even greater success, you need to master feminine skills. skills and abilities. Learn to cook, clean the house and run a household in general. Learn feminine thrift and how to raise children. Forget about yourself and devote yourself completely to achieving well-being and happiness for your family.

Three male needs

To succeed in building a family, help your husband succeed in fulfilling his role. To do this, understand three male needs:

1. A man must function in his masculine role as head of the family, protector and breadwinner.

2. He must feel the family's need for him to fulfill this role.

3. He needs to be superior to the woman in this role.

1. Implementation of the male role in practice. First, he needs to fulfill this role in real life as chaptersfamilies. He must see respect and support for himself from the family. Secondly, he must really provide for the family, satisfy her immediate needs and do it independently, without outside help. And thirdly, he must act as a protector of the family, protecting it from danger, adversity and difficulties.

2. He must see the need in the family for this male role. He needs to see that family really needs in him as his head, protector and breadwinner. When a woman begins to earn enough to support herself, when she finds her own place in life, becoming independent from her husband, she ceases to need him. This is a serious loss for him. His masculine need to see the need for him as a man is so strong that when the need for him disappears, he may doubt the very meaning of his existence. This situation may affect his relationship with his wife, since his romantic feelings arose in part from her need for protection, shelter and provision.

3. He must be superior to a woman in the performance of his husband.role. A man usually recognizes the need to perform this role more effectively than his wife. However, a threatening situation can arise when a woman achieves greater success in his field, when she occupies a higher position, earns more, or succeeds in anything that requires the application of strengths, skills or abilities characteristic of men.

The failure of society

Unfortunately, we see how these age-old principles are violated in modern society. Women have invaded the world of men. We have a generation of working mothers competing with men for greater results, more prestigious positions and higher salaries.

All is not well at home either. The woman takes on the function of a leader and tries to do everything her own way. The wife who knows how to trust her husband unconditionally, submits to his leadership and is ready to lean on his hand has almost disappeared. A woman performs many male functions herself. The independence of women has led to the fact that they no longer feel the need for male protection and provision, and this is a great loss for both of them.

Since a man does not see the vital need to fulfill his male function, he does not see the need for himself, and therefore does not feel like a real man. When a woman takes on masculine roles, she also acquires masculine character traits to better suit the job. This means less femininity, loss of feminine tenderness and charm. As she takes on the responsibilities typical of men, she begins to experience ever-increasing stress and becomes more nervous and anxious. This leads to a loss of peace, which is a very valuable quality if she is to succeed in creating a happy home. When she spends time and energy doing men's work, she neglects important functions that are specific to her. As a result, the whole family loses.

To succeed

To succeed, you need to firmly remember the male role of the head of the family, protector and breadwinner. Remember, if you want your husband to be happy, he should perform husbandrole, feel that you need him, and surpass you in fulfilling his role. Let him lead the family, do men's housework and provide you with everything you need. And only in case of extreme necessity will you be able to cross the line between your roles and take on men’s work.

When he plays a male role, don't expect perfection from him. Don't find fault with little things, don't interfere with how he does it. If he neglects to do a man's job and you are facing serious problems as a result, don't complain. Just tell him, “I have a problem.” State the problem and its implications clearly and concisely. Then ask, “What do you think we should do about this?” This way, you will honor him as the head of the family, shift the problem onto his shoulders, and help him feel needed. If he continues to refuse to resolve the problem, be patient. Change doesn't happen quickly.

Next, start praising him. Playing a male role is not easy, and I will soon explain what I mean. Your praise will be his greatest reward. Be generous with words of gratitude. For him, this is more than a reward for his work. And finally, faithfully and constantly perform your own duties around the house. Then you will draw a clear boundary between your roles and help him succeed in performing masculine functions.

Mixing roles

When male and female roles are not clearly defined, mixing of roles. In this case, the woman partly does men's work, and the man partly does women's work. If this state of affairs is temporary, it is okay, but if it becomes a way of life, serious harm is done to the family.

Children need to develop the nature inherent in their sex, and in this regard, they need to see in their parents not a blurred, but a clear image of man and woman in order to follow their example. The mother demonstrates her feminine image when she plays a female role. When she walks around the house in feminine clothes, performs household duties, tenderly takes care of children, and nurses a child, she forms a feminine image in children. If she exudes contentment and happiness in her role, she paints a positive picture of femininity to her children.

When a father fulfills a masculine role as a strong leader, protector, and provider, and when children have the opportunity to see him in action, when he willingly takes on masculine responsibilities and enjoys the work, he presents them with a favorable masculine image. If there is a clear difference in the house between masculine and female image, boys will grow up to be masculine and girls will grow up to be feminine.

But when everything doesn’t work out as it should, when the roles are blurred, then a serious problem is brewing in the family. Many cases of homosexuality arose in homes where the roles of men and women were blurred. Girls and boys in such families did not receive a clear idea of ​​masculine and feminine images, and could not form an ideal that they could emulate.

Children in the process of education must learn a lot in order to become normal, successful and happy people. But there is nothing more important for a boy than to become masculine, and for a girl to become feminine.

Are the roles fair?

Often women, burdened up to their necks with household responsibilities, occupied with the routine of household chores for sixteen hours a day, question the concept of different roles in the family. They believe that this division of roles is unfair because women have to work harder and longer than men. Therefore, they say, men have no right to come home and rest while their wife continues to work. They believe that men should help them around the house and especially in raising children.

At first glance, this statement seems really fair. But there is another point of view on this issue: the female role, no matter how difficult it may be, is relevant only for about twenty years. Even if the family is large, the woman bears the main burden of worries for about twenty years. Then her life changes. She gains freedom and, as a rule, a lot of free time. But a man's responsibility to provide a livelihood for his family lasts a lifetime. Even if he is lucky and retires on time, he never completely relieves himself of the responsibility for ensuring prosperity in the family. If you accept this point of view, the division of labor for men and women will seem quite fair to you.

I suggest you remember this period of twenty years. Do your work with joy and willingness and do not demand too much from your husband. Don't complain if he doesn't help you, keep your marriage happy and cultivate a romantic relationship between you.

MALE LEADERSHIP

A man should play a masculine role, feel that you need him, and surpass you in fulfilling hisroles as head of the family, or leader.

The father is the head, president and primate of his family. He was appointed by God to this position, as the Scriptures clearly record. The first commandment given to mankind was for a woman: “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” It is clear that our Creator decided that it was very important for a woman to know this commandment, and therefore addressed these instructions specifically to her.

The Apostle Paul compared the headship of a man over his wife with the headship of Christ over the Church: “For the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the Church. But just as the Church submits to Christ, so do wives to their husbands in everything.” Peter also commanded wives to honor and obey their husbands. He said, “In the same way, wives, be subject to your own husbands” (Genesis 3:16; Ephesians 5:23-24, 33; Colossians 3:18; 1 Peter 3:1).

There is also logical the reason why a man should be a leader. In any organization, for proper, trouble-free operation, there must be a leader. This is the president, captain, manager, director or boss. This is law and order. A family is a small group of people and it also needs organization to prevent chaos and anarchy. It doesn't matter how small or big the family is. And even if there are only two members, husband and wife, there must be one leader in order for order to reign in it.

But why should a man lead? Why not a woman? Again resorting to logic, it should be said that a man by nature and temperament is a born leader who has a tendency to make decisions and stand by his convictions. A woman, on the other hand, is prone to hesitation. An even stronger basis for promoting a man to a leadership role can be the fact that he is the one who earns his living. If he works to provide for his family, he will need a legal basis for this in his life. Women and children adapt more easily to any changes. The last word rightfully belongs to the breadwinner.

Today, everything possible is being done to deprive the family of the headship of men and proclaim equality, in which husband and wife make decisions by mutual consent. At first glance, this is a completely reasonable idea, but in real life such an option is impossible and unrealistic. Very few decisions can truly be made by mutual agreement. A husband and wife will most likely never agree on certain issues. When a decision needs to be made, someone must take responsibility.

It takes time to reach mutual agreement. But it is not always available. Some solutions in Everyday life you have to take it very quickly. For example, taking an umbrella for a daughter and going to school in the pouring rain, or a father taking her to school by car. When the father himself makes a decision, all problems are immediately resolved. And it doesn’t matter whether the daughter gets her feet wet or not, because order in the house is more important. But the father should be the head of the family not only because of the logic of this position. It's all about fulfilling God's commandments, for they are all given with meaning and for a specific purpose.

Rights of the head of the family, or leader

1. Establishing family rules. When a family is properly organized, there are certain rules for general behavior and table manners, rules for cleaning the house, spending money, behavior in public places and use of the family car. Family members can take part in setting the rules. A reasonable father can convene a family council so that all family members express their opinions. He can give his wife the opportunity to determine the rules of housekeeping, since this topic is closer to her. But, being the head of the family, he retains the last word.

A family is not a democracy where all issues are resolved painfullymajority of votes. The family is a theocracy, where the word of the father is the law, for God has established so. In the home, the main authority belongs to the father, and no other authority in the family is recognized. This issue is non-negotiable. This is law and order in the Kingdom of God.

You can claim a certain amount of power over your children because you gave them life and care for them day in and day out. You can decide issues of raising and punishing children, their education, religious belief and other important aspects. If you start to clash with your husband over these issues, you will want to have your say. However, you are wrong. You must indeed fulfill the sacred duty of motherhood, but you cannot be the leader or leader of the family. Your husband- he is the shepherd of the flock, and the reins of the family areare in his hands.

2. Decision making. The father also has the right to accept windowsfinal solution on issues that relate to his personal life, work and family. Usually in a family there are a variety of decisions that need to be made every day. Some of them are unimportant, such as whether to take your dog on a picnic or leave it at home. But no matter how simple the problems, decisions still need to be made, and sometimes this needs to be done very quickly. The last word remains with the father.

The father also has to make very important decisions regarding investing money, changing jobs or moving to another place. Such decisions may require financial austerity or other life changes. If the husband is reasonable, he will first discuss all these issues with his wife in order to listen to her opinion and win her over to his side.

It is interesting to note that in the biblical account of Jacob, who worked for his father-in-law for many years, there are these words: “And the Lord said to Jacob, Return to the land of your fathers and to your homeland; and I will be with you." However, having received this command from the Lord, Jacob called Rachel and Leah into the field and spoke with them to ensure their support. After he explained his situation, Rachel and Leah told him, “So, do everything God has told you.” Now he had their support. This is exactly what Jacob needed so that he could do everything that was planned with a calm soul (Genesis 31). Read this passage to your husband. He may want to consult with you more often on important issues.

Sometimes a husband seeks his wife’s support, but does not explain what is going on. He may think that she does not have sufficient knowledge on this subject and she simply will not understand anything. Or he cannot explain the reasons and justify his plans. Maybe he is guided by intuition. In this case, do not torture your husband. Most likely, his feelings, not his mind, will lead him in the right direction.

In marriage, a husband and wife are not a pair of horses pulling the same team. They are rather like the bow and the string, as Longfellow said in his poem Hiawatha:

A husband and wife are like an onion,

A bow with a strong bowstring;

Although she bends him, she herself is obedient to him;

Although she is attracted to him, she is inseparable from him;

Separated, both are useless.

(Translation by I. Bunin)

The wife's role in leading the family

And although your husband is the undoubted head of the family, you also play a very important role in leading the family. You submit to your husband, support him, and sometimes play an active role in which you can clearly and even vividly express yourself. Your husband needs your support, and your thoughts are often valuable to him if you express them correctly. A heavy burden of responsibility is placed on his shoulders. He needs to lead the family, make decisions, sometimes extremely important ones. Only he will bear full responsibility for the decisions made, regardless of the consequences. Your understanding, support and thoughts are very important to him.

Mumtaz Mahal, the woman in whose honor the Taj Mahal was built, played an important role in her husband's life and had a strong influence on the leadership of the country. The daughter of the Chief Minister, she was well educated, very intelligent and had a dignified character. Sultan Shah Jahan consulted with her on many issues, including purely specific topics related to the governance of the country. There is no doubt that she knew how to very subtly influence her husband, but she did it so skillfully that her husband did not feel the slightest threat from her as the ruler of India. The world is largely unaware of her enormous contribution to the development of this country. We teach this feminine art in this chapter. The first step in achieving this art is in eliminating errors. See what applies specifically to you in the following list:

Do you make similar mistakes?

1.Management. Do you hold the reins of your family in your hands and try to do everything your way? Do you make important plans and decisions with the expectation that your husband will agree to them? Do you consult with him on family issues, but so that you always have the last word? Why are you doing it? Maybe you just don't know how to behave differently, or don't trust your husband's judgment, or think that you can handle these problems better than he can?

Does he resist your dominance? Do you butt heads? Maybe you find it difficult to submit to your husband's authority? Or do you think that the end justifies the means, and the main thing is that the job gets done, even to the detriment of respect for your husband?

2.Pressure. Maybe you insist on your own way or even grumble and get irritated? Maybe his resistance leads to frequent quarrels and arguments? Or does he make concessions to preserve peace? In this case, you get your way by pressing. Soon your children will start using this method too.

3. Nitpicking. Maybe you find fault and criticize your husband's plans and decisions because you are afraid that he will make a mistake? Or do you mistrust his judgment and watch him closely to immediately express your approval or disapproval? Don't you ask him provocative questions with a hint of fear in your voice? This behavior expresses your distrust of him, and gives him the impression that you do not believe in his ability to lead his family. A woman should I won't ruin itto wander, A create the husband has a feeling of confidence.

4. Tips. A woman makes a serious mistake when she gives her husband too much advice, too many suggestions, when she tells him what to do and how to do it. When your husband begins to present to you the problem he is facing, listen to his point of view and take the time to give advice. Or think slowly about what can be done in this case, and then discuss the course of action together. Otherwise, you will show a lack of trust in him here too, and he will get the impression that you know the answers to all the questions, which means you don’t need him at all and can easily cope in this life without him.

5. Disobedience. Do you obey your husband only when you agree with him, and in case of disagreement do you do your own thing? If you are sure of something, but he does not approve of your decision, do you stand your ground? It is very easy to obey your husband when you agree with him. The real test comes when you disagree with him but decide to comply. What to do in such a situation will be discussed a little later.

How to become obedient

1. Respect his status. Respect his position as head of the family and teach your children to respect him. Believe in God's principles that God has placed him in charge of the family and commanded you to obey him as taught in the Bible. If this doesn’t seem entirely fair to you, remember that God knows best how to organize our lives.

2. Let go of the reins. Don't try to dominate the family. Give your husband leadership of family affairs. Let him lead and you simply obey him. You will be surprised at how well he copes with problems without you. Then your faith in him and his self-confidence will grow. Once you give him the opportunity to lead, he will give you authority in certain areas. You will discuss this issue together.

3. Trust him like a child. Don't worry about the consequences of the decisions he makes. Let him worry about it himself. Trust him like a child. Such trust is different from our trust in God, for God does not make mistakes, but people do. Give him room for mistakes, trust his motives and his judgment. Then you will help him grow, because only childish gullibility can help a man develop a sense of responsibility.

Sometimes your husband's decisions will be illogical. His plans may seem pointless to you and his judgments unreasonable. This may not be the case, but this option cannot be ruled out. Perhaps he acts on inspiration. The ways of the Lord also do not always seem logical. Don't expect every decision your husband makes to please you or bring the results you expect. God will lead him through problems in order to achieve certain wise, but unknown to us, goals. We all have to go through the purifying fire, and God does this in an incomprehensible way. When your husband acts under inspiration, you need to follow him faithfully, and then, when you look back, you will see the hand of the Almighty in your life and will be grateful for the outcome.

There may be scary times when you want to trust your husband, want to see that he acts on inspiration, but you cannot. You will discover vanity, pride and selfishness at the basis of his decisions and you will be convinced that he is heading towards disaster. If he doesn't want to listen to you, what should you do? The answer is: if you can't trust your husband anymore, you can always trust God. He placed him at the head of the family, and commanded you to obey him. You have every right to ask God for help. If you obey your husband and ask for heavenlyWith his father guiding him, everything will change for the better in the most incomprehensible way.

4. Know how to adapt. Don't be stubborn and don't insist on your own. Adapt to changing circumstances. Obey your husband and follow him where he leads, adapt to the conditions he provides for you. Every ideal wife, capable of making her husband happy, has this quality. This is a rare quality, and it is even more appreciated by men. To be flexible and pliable, you need to be unselfish, think more about him than about yourself, and put your marriage first, above everything else. And cowhen you cast your bread on the waters, it will return to you in due timeWith butter. In short, follow this rule:

To be flexible you cannot have biased, harsh to metion regarding what you want from life, where and in what kind of house you want to live, what economic level or lifestyle you want to achieve and what plans you make for children. It is perfectly acceptable to have things decided in advance, but they cannot be considered immutable. Your rigid opinion may come into conflict with the opinion of your husband, his plans that he is hatching in order to succeed in fulfilling the male role.

When I was young, I had unchanging, rigid concepts. After I got married, I absolutely wanted to live in a white two-story house built on one acre of land with tall rustling trees in the backyard and a basement filled with barrels of apples. The house was supposed to stand on the outskirts of a city with a population of approximately twenty thousand people. In winter I wanted to see snow, and in summer - green fields. However, over time, I discovered that this dream interfered with me in many ways, and it was difficult for me to adapt to the circumstances of my real life. When I abandoned these rigid attitudes, it became much easier for me, as did my husband.

To be flexible make your dreams transportable and always carry them with you. Decide to be happy regardless of the circumstances - on the top of a mountain or in a blazing hot desert, in poverty or in abundance. If you focus on success in your home, it is very easy to make dreams transportable.

5.Be obedient. Listen to your husband's advice and edification, and you will do yourself a good service. Very important quality obedience. If you obey, but are also reluctant and complaining, you won't get far. But if you obey willingly, with a spirit of joyful obedience, God will bless you and your home and give you harmony in your relationship with your husband. Your husband will appreciate your behavior and will soften when he sees your pliable spirit.

A wife who refuses to obey her husband's advice or commands brings serious disharmony into her marriage. Moreover, you can’t behave like that. Since God has placed the husband in charge, the wife's rebellious behavior is sin. Therefore, when a wife resists her husband, she loses God's Spirit. The theme of obedience will be explored more fully later in this chapter.

6.Be a united front with your husband in the eyes of your children. Even if you and your husband do not reach a mutual agreement, be a united front for your children. Never turn children against their father, hoping in this way to gain their favor. This will make the husband angry and he may behave harshly towards them. He will not be willing to give in to the children if you intercede on their behalf. But if you and your husband are on the same page, he will become much more compliant, as the following example clearly shows.

7. Support his plans and decisions. Sometimes your husband needs not only your submission, but also your support. Maybe he needs to make a decision for which he doesn't want to bear all the responsibility. He may want you to help him with this. In this case, you will need to delve into his plans to make sure that you are ready to support them. If you can, give him the support he needs. If you cannot, explain your position as suggested in the next paragraph. He will be grateful to you for expressing your opinion. If he insists on having his way, you can still show your support even if you don't agree with him. One can support not his plans, but his right to make decisions. You can say something like this: “I don’t agree with your decision, but if you are sure that you are right, do as you see fit, I support you.” A little later in this chapter we will talk about this topic in more detail.

8. Explain your position. So far I have listed the qualities of an obedient wife. You need to respect his status, let go of the reins, trust him, be flexible, obedient, willing to support him, even if you do not agree with his opinion. However, there are times when you need express your position. Your understanding of the topic under discussion may be valuable to your husband, as well as your opinion. And no matter whether he asks you to express your opinion or not, speak honestly - and, if necessary, persistently - about it. There is no need to insist on your position, but you must express it. In such conversations, you should adhere to the following rules.

First of all, think about everything yourself first. You must be confident in your position. If you want to ask or offer something, ask yourself whether you are motivated by selfish motives, whether it is honest, whether it is a manifestation of selfishness, or maybe you just want to impose your opinion on your husband. If you disagree with your husband's plans, try to understand why this is happening. Maybe you are afraid of something, or here we can talk about a manifestation of selfishness on your part? If you reflect on your own motivation, the idea being discussed will become clearer to you. Or you will become even more confident in your position. Many women miss this important point thinking about your own ideas, believing that your husband should do this. He, in turn, may simply not be inclined to think about your ideas. Then he will become stubborn or categorically refuse your proposals. If you are confident in the reasonableness of your arguments, then you should definitely speak up and move on to the next step.

Next, you need to pray about it. Through prayer, everything will become much clearer to you. You will either become stronger in your beliefs, or you will see serious flaws in them. If you see errors in your reasoning, abandon the idea itself and don’t think about it again. If you are unsure, continue to pray and reflect on the matter. If your prayer is answered positively, move on to the next step.

Approach your husband with confidence. Don't hesitate. Be steadfast. Speak clearly and, if necessary, firmly. Tell him that you have thought about it and prayed about it. Now you ask him to think and pray about it too. Then trust God. When explaining your position, follow the guidelines for how women should approach their husbands with advice.

Wife's advice

A man wants to see his wife nearby not only for support, but also for advice. Sultan Shah Jahan turned to his wife Mumtaz Mahal for advice, and David Copperfield confided a lot to Agnes. After marrying Dora, he had no one to consult with. “Sometimes I wanted,” he admitted, “for my wife to be an adviser with a strong and decisive character and with the ability to fill the void that seemed to me to arise around me.” All good wives They are advisors, mentors and best friends for their husbands.

Women have a special, unique feminine gift insight And intuition, which help them give their husband sound advice. Only a wife, like no one else, knows how to see her husband’s life in perspective. You are closer to him than anyone else, but not as close to his problems as he is. He stands too close to them, and therefore his understanding of his own problems may be distorted. You see them much better. You stand just a step or half a step further from the center of his life. You see more broadly and your vision is clearer. You care about him more than anyone else in the whole wide world, and are ready to make any sacrifice for him. And although you may know less than other people, your advice may be more reliable than other people's advice.

Here are the requirements for good advisors: First of all, stop giving away adviсe or offers How daily food. This can be exhausting for everyone. He will simply stop hearing you. Save your advice for when he asks you to speak out or when a very important moment comes. If your advice is rare, he will listen to it more willingly.

Next, stop seeing everything in a negative light. Cast aside doubts, fears and anxieties, otherwise your advice can only cause harm. Good advisers are people who always think positively. They are careful, but do not allow any negative thoughts. If you notice a tendency towards negative thoughts in yourself, read good book about the power of positive thinking.

Then a good adviser can always advise the person something worthwhile. Develop your character, gain wisdom, deepen your philosophy of life. Expand your knowledge about life and what is happening around you. Become a selfless person who readily shares with those around him. If you become a good man, your husband will trust you and seek your advice. But if you are a narrow-minded and self-centered person, you will have nothing to offer him. A woman who does not have treasures within herself cannot be a good adviser. When sharing advice with your husband, follow these guidelines.

How should a woman give advice to a man?

1. Ask leading questions. The most subtle way of giving advice is to ask leading questions, such as: “Have you ever imagined resolving issues like this this way before?” or “Have you thought about this possibility?..” The key word in such questions is the word “you.” The husband may say: “I’ve already thought about it” or “Not yet, but I’ll think about it.” In any case, he will perceive this thought as his own and think about it without feeling any threat from the outside.

2. Listen. After asking leading questions, listen to him. From time to time, show signs of attention to his words so that he continues to talk, and then listen carefully again. During the entire conversation, listen more and talk less. Good advisers are well aware of the importance of listening carefully to someone before giving them advice. It's best to save your advice for the end of the conversation. Sometimes clever woman Doesn't recommend anything at all. She will lead her husband to answer all his questions himself.

3. Share your understanding. When you share your point of view, say, “It seems to me...”, “I feel...”, or “As far as I understand...”, because this will show your perception of the situation. He won't argue with your feelings or perceptions. Don't say phrases like "I think" or "I know." He may object to what you think or you know.

4. Don't try to prove that you know more than him. Don't try to show that you are wise, know everything, or are superior to your husband with your intellect. Don't try to prove yourself to be an expert in his field and don't expect him to appreciate your extraordinary mind. Don't ask too many leading questions or use the word "why" too often. If he made a mistake, and you knew all along what needed to be done to avoid it, being amazed that he doesn’t know this will only anger him with your complacency.

5. Don't play the role of mother. Your inherent maternal nature and gracious attitude can make you feel like his mother. Don't look at him as a little boy who needs an eye and an eye. He does not need to be protected from adversity and responsibility, he does not need to be worried about, as one worries about a child.

6. Don't talk to him like man to man. Don't speak harshly, as men do, that is, don't put yourself on the same level as him. Don't say things like, “Let's make a decision,” or “Why don't we look at this option again,” or “I think I understand what our problem is.” Give him the opportunity to be in a dominant position so that he sees that he is needed and valued as a leader.

7. Don't act like you're braver than him. If you are giving a man advice on an issue that makes him afraid, don't make the mistake of being more courageous than he is. Let's say he wants to start a new business, change jobs, ask his boss for a pay rise, or try to introduce new idea. He is nervous and afraid of the consequences of his step, since his idea may fail.

If you boldly say: “Why are you hesitating?” or “You have nothing to be afraid of,” you will thereby show more masculine courage than he. Instead, say, “This idea sounds good to me, but I'm a little scared. Are you sure you really want to do this?” Such meekness may incline him to display masculine courage, and then he will say: “It’s not so scary. I think I can handle it." When a man sees timidity in a woman, his natural masculine courage awakens in him.

8. Don't express an unyielding opinion. When you give your husband advice, do not express an unyielding opinion. This kind of point of view will create opposition and lead to arguments, and you will lose your femininity and look like you are trying to force him to accept your advice.

9. Don't insist that he do things your way. Let him listen to your advice, but don't put any pressure on him. Give him freedom of choice. Let better man will do everything his own way and make mistakes, rather than put pressure on him and cause harm to your relationship.

Obedience

Now let's take a closer look at one of the most important requirements for your husband's successful leadership. It's about your obedience to him. The first law of Heaven requires obedience, therefore this law should be the main one in every home. It is the foundation of every well-equipped home, successful family and prosperous life for children. The wife is the key to success in this matter. When she sets a model of obedience to her husband, the children are sure to follow this example. This will not only bring immediate benefits, but will also have far-reaching consequences throughout the life of the family.

On the other hand, when a wife refuses to obey her husband, she sets her own children an example of a rebellious spirit that her children will also follow. They will conclude that they are not obliged to listen to anyone if they themselves do not want to. They will decide that there are always some workarounds. When such children go out into the world, they find it difficult to obey the law, higher authorities, teachers at school or college, or superiors at work. The problem of rebellious youth begins at home, where the mother was unwilling to obey her husband or show no respect for his authority.

English satirist Northcote Parkinson explored the causes of the 1970s student revolution that took place in America and blamed it all on women. He told the Los Angeles audience that America's college problem had its origins in a lack of respect for authority that began at home: “The general movement, I think, begins with the women's revolution. Women demanded the right to vote and equal rights with men, and stopped being subject to control by their husbands. As a result, they lost control over their own children.” Mr Parkinson said that in his Victorian childhood, "a father's word was law, and the greatest threat to a mother was her promise to 'tell father everything'. Today a mother cannot tell her children such a thing because she herself has refused to submit to her husband's authority in the family."

On the other hand, women who strictly submit to their husbands show reverence and respect for their status in the family, set an example of obedience to their children, and they follow this example. A few years ago, I went to visit my daughter, and at the same time my son, who was studying at a university nearby, came to stay with them. They talked and I listened. Suddenly, one phrase caught my attention in their conversation.

Paul said to Christina, “When we were kids, it never occurred to me to disobey my father, did it to you, Christina?” The daughter answered categorically: “No, I never even allowed the thought of disobeying my father!” I interrupted their conversation with a question: “Why couldn’t you disobey your father?” They answered immediately: “You were the key to our obedience, Mom, because you always obeyed Dad, even if it was very difficult!”

At the same moment, an incident came to my mind that happened several years before. We have been planning a trip to the Florida lakes for several years. The children marked the numbers on the calendar, wanting to bring the date of departure to this distant state closer. When the time came, we bought a new minibus and happily set off on the long-awaited journey.

When we arrived in south Florida, we bought fried chicken and sat under an Indian fig tree while our daughters played guitars. The husband went away for a few minutes to call his son, who was serving as a missionary in Sweden at the time. He started having health problems and we were a little worried about it. When the husband returned, he had a strange expression on his face. “We need to go back to California,” he said. “The son fell ill and was sent home.”

At that moment, I did not take his words seriously, because I am an optimist. I talked to my husband, advising him to invite his son to join us in Florida. I thought it would be good for him. It seemed to me that I had convinced him, after which we all climbed into the car and headed towards the lakes. In the middle of the night I woke up to find we were driving north, heading to California.

For a long time, in the presence of the children, I tried to persuade him to return to Florida. I was sure that I was doing everything right. I knew that there was no need to return and that the children would be very disappointed. I remember how strong the temptation was to just exit fromcars. But I didn't. I was aware of the limits of what was permitted and finally retreated. The children watched me silently and remembered this episode for the rest of their lives. They understood how difficult it was for me.

Now I saw that scene even more clearly. I thought that they would suffer greatly from disappointment and that the interrupted journey would leave scars on their souls for life. But imagine the much greater harm I could have caused to the children through my example of rebellious behavior. I reminded Paul and Christine of that incident and asked if they were disappointed that the trip was interrupted. “No,” they said, “we realized that we must sacrifice our desires for the well-being of one of us.” Our son recovered, and everything ended well, but then he was on the verge of death. I really could have made a serious mistake.

Problems in leading a family

1. When a wife is afraid of her husband's failure. Wives all over the world are always wary of their husbands' plans or decisions because they are afraid of witnessing their failures. Women have to expect either success or failure. No person has ever achieved success without deciding to take risks. It is impossible to get to the top of the mountain, figuratively speaking, without taking risks. Actually, the history of success is woven from many failures. Take, for example, the success story of Abraham Lincoln.

When a young man he ran for the Illinois legislature and was defeated. After that, he took up business and also failed, and for seventeen years he paid off the debts of his unlucky partner. Having entered politics, he got into Congress, but there he was a fiasco. Then he tried to get into the land tenure department in the United States, but was not successful in this field. He ran for the US Senate and lost again. In 1856, he became a candidate for the post of vice president, but even here he had no luck. In 1858 he lost the election in Douglas. Nevertheless, he still achieved his greatest success in public life. Much of this success can be attributed to his wife, Mary Todd, who constantly said, "He's going to be a great man someday."

A wife represents the key to her husband's success. If she wholeheartedly supports his decisions, no matter what they are, he will be able to overcome the mistakes he made and move on. Otherwise, she will be the reason that he will live his entire life in the shadows. Men who could have done great things in their lives remained in the shadows only because they did not find the support of their wives on riceforged road to success.

2. When the wife rebels. Fear of possible mistake or failure can provoke a woman to revolt. Christian author Orson Pratt writes about this:

“A woman should never rely on her judgment as opposed to her husband's, for if her husband plans to do something good but is mistaken in his judgment, God will bless her willingness to follow her husband's advice. God has made him the head of the family, and although he may indeed be mistaken in his judgment, God will not justify his wife if she is disobedient to his instructions and instructions. The sin of disobedience is much more serious than the mistakes made in finding a solution. For this reason, she will be condemned for opposing her will to the will of her husband... Be obedient, and God will turn everything for your good: at His appointed time He will correct all the mistakes of the husband... The wife, refusing to obey her husband’s advice, will lose Spirit of God."

3.When the husband is lost in doubt. Does it happen that your husband hesitates, unable to come to a definite decision? If he is naturally overly cautious, come to terms with this trait of his character and learn to live with it. However, he may be driven by the fear that you will not understand him. Usually the husband is afraid that his decision will harm the well-being of the family. For example, a person wants to continue his studies, but is afraid that his studies will become a burden on the family’s financial situation. In this case, you can support him in this desire, saying that you are ready to make the sacrifices associated with this.

Or another option. Your husband may be afraid that his decision will entail a reduction in financial security or loss of prestige. He would gladly take on the implementation of his plans, but he lacks the courage to do so. If you see that his fears are unfounded, help him gain confidence and help him make the right decision.

4.When the husband does not want to lead. Maybe you yourself want your husband to take charge of the family. you dream about strong hand, on which you could rely, but your husband is retreating from his position of leadership. In this case, the wife may become upset and take over the leadership of the family out of a sense of duty. What can I do to make my husband want to take the position of head of the family?

First, read the Scriptures that speak of him as a leader. Talk with him about the fact that a family should have one head. It is the man who is endowed with all the qualities necessary for this, not the woman, and besides, you do not want to be the head of the family. Let him know that you need him as a leader who has consciously taken on this responsibility. Offer him your help and support. After that, go about your household chores and do them well. This way you will clearly draw a line dividing the areas of responsibility between you and your husband.

5. When he takes the children aside. If your husband brings corruption into the family, if he encourages the children to lie, steal and lead an immoral lifestyle or do other wicked things, you have the moral right to take them away from such a home, away from this bad influence. If you don't have children, you have exactly the same right to leave on your own.

However, if he is simply a weak person and, due to weakness, has only stumbled and no longer adheres to the same high moral principles as you, if he neglects spiritual values ​​or otherwise displays weak human nature, be patient and try to save your marriage.

Reward

In a house led by a husband, order always reigns. There are fewer disputes and disagreements, but more harmony. When he takes charge, he grows in his masculine form. He develops traits such as firmness, determination, self-confidence and a sense of responsibility. When a wife steps away from a leadership position, she becomes calmer, less worried and fussed, and can devote herself to household chores and succeed in this area.

Children raised in a home where the father's word is law have respect for authority, teachers in school, leaders in the church, and leaders in all areas of society. In a world where men are in charge, there is less crime and violence, fewer divorces and fewer cases of homosexuality. Marriages in such a society are happier happier family, and therefore the people themselves. If the system of patriarchy could be implemented on a larger scale, we would live in a world based on law and order.

Remember: It’s better to let the man do everything his way and leaveThere is no way to stand in his way and contradict him.

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