Literature on adopted children 1) Vladimirova N.V., Spaniard H. “Step by step. Individual counseling for graduates of orphanages and boarding schools.” – M., 2007.2) Grinberg S.N., Savelyeva E.V., Varaeva N.V., Lobanova M.Yu. “Adoptive family. Psychological support and

Stages of Learning Psychologists have conducted research on adult learning and have concluded that in adulthood, people acquire new skills in four stages. This also applies to speech impromptu skills. If you want to become a world-class improviser, you will have to

Stages of Growth Many psychologists who observed children and adolescents from birth to university believed that a child's developmental path could be divided into certain stages. This concept refuted previous views on the problem, according to which the content

Most children live in families. Among the many family models, families with adopted or adopted children occupy a special place. Families in which there are adopted children and adoptive parents can consist only of adopted children and the parents who adopted them, or adopted children find themselves in a family where there are already natural children. Therefore, the psychological problems faced by adoptive families largely depend on the structure (numerical and personal composition) of such a family.

The entire civilized world arranges for children left without parental care into families. Abandoned children are kept in so-called child care institutions just long enough to find them a new family. And at the same time, it is not so important whether the child is adopted or taken into custody - what is important is that he will live at home, in a family. There are orphanages only in Russia.

At the same time, it should be noted that the problem of placing children in orphanages as such appeared in Russia only in the twentieth century. Until this period, if a child became an orphan, relatives, as a rule, took him in to raise him. Thus, the child continued to live in the family. Raising an orphan has always been considered a charitable deed. Children from impoverished noble families or children of military men were usually brought up in state institutions. Orphanages appeared in Russia after 1917, where children left without adult care were placed. Impartial statistics show that today in Russia there are about 800 thousand children left without parental care. But these are only those who are registered with the state, and no one, naturally, can count the homeless. It is believed that there are approximately 600 thousand “street children” in the country, but other figures are also mentioned: two million and four million. This means, even according to the most conservative estimates, there are almost one and a half million abandoned children in Russia. Every year, over 100 thousand children are identified in the country who, due to various circumstances, are left without parental care.

Although the system of public maintenance and guardianship has long been considered quite acceptable for raising a child, experts have long noted a very important pattern: graduates of orphanages are practically unable to create full-fledged families; their children, as a rule, also end up in orphanages. Unfortunately, among the people who have broken the law, most often there are children from orphanages. Therefore, against this background, the placement of children deprived of parental care into families is especially welcome. Unfortunately, only 5% of children left without parental support are adopted. This is due to numerous difficulties of various kinds that inevitably arise on the path of those who have expressed a desire to give a child a family, which he was deprived of against his own will. One of the serious problems still remains the secrecy of adoption. Russian adoptive parents are afraid all their lives that their secret will be revealed, and therefore they often change their place of residence in order to maintain peace of mind and ensure the social and psychological well-being of the adopted child. At the same time, recently there has been a tendency to adopt children if there are children of their own in the family, so there is no need to keep this a secret. However, this does not mean that adoptive parents will not encounter a number of problems in building relationships with their stepchild, as well as in establishing contacts between their natural children and their adopted children. Therefore, let us dwell on these issues in more detail.

As a rule, children who do not receive appropriate upbringing in the parental family are placed in a foster family. They may suffer from malnutrition and neglect, lack medical treatment and supervision, and suffer various forms of physical, mental or sexual abuse. Children whose parents were not involved in raising them due to lack of teaching skills or due to a long illness can also become adopted “pets”. Thus, the foster family becomes a kind of “ambulance”, the main goal of which is to promptly support and protect the child in a crisis situation.

At first glance, it may seem that raising adopted children is no different from raising relatives. Indeed, the tasks of raising both relatives and adopted children are the same, especially if the adopted children are small. However, there are also special points that adoptive parents need to know and take into account; they will need the ability to help foster children transition into families. And it’s not easy to create conditions for adaptation so that children feel like full members of the new community.

The psychological problems of a family that has adopted a child can be divided into two groups. The first group of these problems is associated with the characteristics of the experiences, behavior and expectations of adoptive parents. The second concerns the difficulties of entering a new family and adapting an adopted child to it. These problems are closely related to each other, however, their content has its own specific features that should be taken into account by both adoptive parents and representatives of special guardianship and trusteeship services who deal with adoption issues.

Psychological problems of adoptive parents.
Adoption has been an important social institution since ancient Rome. However, the attitude towards it is still ambiguous: some believe that it is better for a child to live in a family, others, on the contrary, talk about the advantages of public education in special institutions. This should not be surprising, because a stranger’s child in a family is always something unusual. This is all the more unusual for people who decide to foster a child about whom they know practically nothing. It is not easy for adoptive parents to get rid of some uncertainty and a certain tension when, after a long hesitation, they finally make such an important decision and realize that they have actually become educators, and now another human destiny depends only on them. Many are accompanied by “educational tremors” for a long time: will they be able to cope with their obligations and safely guide the child through the reefs of life, fully satisfy his spiritual needs, helping him become an independent and unique person.

A child who has lost his own parents needs a family environment filled with love, mutual trust and respect for full development. Spouses who cannot have children of their own have many parenting needs that go unmet and many parenting feelings that go unexpressed. Therefore, during adoption, the unmet needs of one and the other party meet, which allows them to quickly reach mutual understanding. However, in life, everything does not always go as smoothly as dreamed: the newly created parent-child union, although noble, is very fragile, which is why it needs attention, help and psychological support. It contains certain dangers that adoptive parents should be aware of in order to warn them in a timely manner.

There is an opinion that the greatest danger to the family community is the disclosure of the secret of adoption. And adoptive parents, succumbing to this misconception, take various precautions: they stop meeting with friends, move to another area or even city in order to protect the child from possible mental shock associated with the disclosure of this family secret. But experience shows that all these precautions are not effective enough, and the firmest guarantee is the truth, which the child must learn from his adoptive parents. Truth is the most important condition for a good educational atmosphere. And if a child, from the first days of being in a foster family, grows up with the consciousness that he is “step-native”, but is loved in the same way as other children, then the family union is not in serious danger.

The second danger of adoptive parents is related to the hereditary qualities of the child. Many of them are afraid of “bad heredity” and spend their whole lives intensely monitoring the behavior of their adopted child, looking for manifestations of those “vices” that their biological parents gave them. Of course, it is impossible to change the natural type of nervous system and turn a child’s weak abilities into talent, even with the most heroic efforts and tireless educational diligence of adoptive parents. But this is almost all that education cannot do. It can successfully influence everything else related to the child’s personality. Many of the bad habits that a child acquired in his previous environment, the special manner of behavior with which he tried to balance the emotional limitations of his life, the lack of practical knowledge and the skills of benevolent interaction with other people - focused, consistent and loving upbringing can perfectly cope with all of this. The most important thing that is required from adoptive parents is patience and readiness to promptly provide the necessary assistance to a new family member in his entry into a life to which he is not accustomed.

One can often come across the opinion that the most difficult problems in the situation of forming a new family union are related to the behavioral characteristics of children. However, practice shows that the weakest link in such a union is the parents themselves. Sometimes they are overly excited from waiting for a long time for their predictions, which for some reason are in no hurry to come true, so they try to rush and “spur” the child. Often, having taken responsibility for another person, they are full of uncertainty and have no idea what joys and worries a “stranger’s” child will bring them. Often they bring down their unrealized parental feelings on the child, forgetting that he may not be prepared for them and therefore is forced to defend himself from the emotional flow that has washed over him. People who have just become parents tend to place increased demands on their child, which they simply cannot yet cope with. And although they loudly declare that they will be quite happy if their son (or daughter) studies mediocrely, deep down in their hearts they set higher goals for the child, which, in their opinion, he must definitely achieve. Others, on the contrary, believe only in heredity and fearfully expect what the child has adopted from his biological parents: behavioral deviations, illnesses and much more that is unattractive and undesirable for the family and the full development of the child himself. For this reason, they often secretly observe the child’s behavior, taking a wait-and-see attitude. Manners and hobbies that are unacceptable in the child's behavior, in the opinion of the adoptive parents, they tend to attribute to bad heredity, without thinking that this may be nothing more than a reaction to unusual living conditions for him in new family. In addition, the child may be constantly haunted by thoughts and memories of his biological parents, whom he continues to love in his soul, despite the fact that life with them was not as prosperous as it is now. He is in confusion and does not know how to behave: on the one hand, he still continues to love his natural parents, and on the other, he has not yet managed to love his adoptive parents. For this reason, his behavior may be inconsistent and contradictory; he is afraid of “offending” his former parents with his attachment to his adoptive parents. Sometimes aggressive behavioral reactions in relationships with adoptive parents are nothing more than a psychological defense against the internal contradictions that they experience while loving both their stepparents and their natural parents. Of course, such behavior of a child is perceived very painfully by his new parents, who do not know how to behave in such a situation, whether he should be punished for certain offenses.

Sometimes adoptive parents are afraid to punish their child for fear that he may feel that they are strangers to him. Sometimes, on the contrary, they fall into despair because they do not know how else to punish him, because all punishments are useless - nothing works on him. If you clearly understand that the educational impact of punishment is based on a temporary severance of the emotional connection between a child and an adult, then it is easier to understand that there is no need to be afraid of this. It is important that punishment is followed by forgiveness, reconciliation, and the return of former relationships, and then, instead of alienation, the emotional connection only deepens. But if the emotional relationship in the adoptive family has not yet been established, then no punishment will have the desired effect. Many children who end up in foster families simply have not yet learned (are not used to) loving someone, becoming emotionally attached to someone, or feeling good in a family environment. And they perceive what is usually considered punishment rather indifferently, just like natural phenomena - snow, thunderstorm, heat, etc. Therefore, first of all, it is necessary to build an emotional connection in the family, and this requires time, patience and leniency on the part of the adoptive parents.

Adoption should not be viewed as a sacrifice made by the new parents for the child. On the contrary, the child himself gives a lot to his adoptive parents.

The worst thing is if adults, by adopting a baby, are thereby trying to solve some of their own problems. For example, they plan to preserve a disintegrating marital union or see a child as a kind of “insurance” for old age. It also happens that, having an only child, spouses try to find a peer or companion for him, that is, when an adopted child serves as a means to solve some personal or intra-family problems of adults, and is not a goal oriented towards himself and achieved for the sake of him. Perhaps the most acceptable situation is when a child is taken into a foster family in order to make her life more fulfilling, if the foster parents see in him their continuation in the future and believe that their union is equally beneficial to both parties.

Psychological difficulties of adaptation of adopted children in the family.
Children end up in someone else's family for various reasons. They may have different life experiences and each of them has their own individual needs. However, each of them experiences psychological trauma caused by separation from their family. When children are placed into foster care, they are separated from people they know and trust and placed in a completely different environment that is foreign to them. Getting used to a new environment and new living conditions is associated with a number of difficulties that a child is practically unable to cope with without the help of adults.

How a child copes with separation is influenced by the emotional bonds that arise in early childhood. Between the ages of six months and two years, a child develops an attachment to the person who encourages him the most and is most responsive to all his needs. Usually this person is the mother, since she is the one who most often feeds, dresses and cares for the child. However, it is not only the satisfaction of a child’s physical needs that contributes to the formation of certain attachments. The emotional attitude towards him is very important, which is expressed through a smile, physical and visual contact, conversations, i.e. full communication with him. If a child has not formed attachments by the age of two, the likelihood of their successful formation at an older age decreases (a striking example of this is children who have been in special institutions since birth, where there is no constant individual contact with the adult caring for them).

If a child has never experienced any attachment, he, as a rule, does not react in any way to separation from his parents. Conversely, if he has formed a natural attachment to members of his family or people replacing them, he will most likely react violently to being taken away from his family. A child may experience real grief for some time, and everyone experiences it differently. It is very important that adoptive parents can anticipate the child’s reaction to separation from family and show sensitivity.

Stepparents can help children cope with their sad feelings by accepting them as they are and helping them verbalize their feelings. Often this may be due to an ambivalent attitude towards their parents. On the one hand, they continue to love them, but on the other hand, they feel disappointment and resentment towards them, because it is their fault that they have to live in someone else’s family. The feeling of confusion that children experience due to feelings of love and longing for their family and hatred of their parents for their imagined or real actions is very painful. Being in a state of prolonged emotional stress, they may aggressively perceive attempts by adoptive parents to get closer to them. Therefore, adoptive parents need to anticipate the occurrence of similar reactions on the part of adopted children and try to help them get rid of their negative experiences as quickly as possible and adapt to a new family.

It is very important for adoptive parents to understand that children experience no less difficulties than adults when they find themselves in new living conditions. At the same time, due to age characteristics they adapt more quickly to changed circumstances and often either do not realize or simply do not think about the complexities of their new life.

The process of adaptation of a child in a foster family goes through a number of periods, at each of which social, psychological, emotional and pedagogical barriers arise.

The first adaptation period is introductory. Its duration is short, about two weeks. Social and emotional barriers manifest themselves most clearly during this period. Particular attention should be paid to the first meeting of potential parents with the child. Here, preliminary preparation for the meeting of both sides is important. Even small children get excited before this event. The day before they are excited, cannot fall asleep for a long time, become fussy and restless. Older children experience a feeling of fear before meeting their prospective adoptive parents and may turn to the adults around them (educators, medical workers) with a request not to send them anywhere, to leave them in an orphanage (hospital), although the day before they expressed their readiness to live in a family, to leave with new parents to any country. Older preschoolers and schoolchildren develop a fear of unfamiliar speech and learning a new language.

At the moment of meeting, emotionally responsive children willingly meet their future parents halfway, some rush to them shouting “Mom!”, hug, kiss. Others, on the contrary, become overly constrained, cling to the adult accompanying them, do not let go of his hand, and the adult in this situation has to tell them how to approach and what to say to the future parents. Such children have great difficulty parting with their familiar surroundings, crying, and refusing to get to know each other. Such behavior often confuses adoptive parents: it seems to them that the child did not like them, they begin to worry that he will not love them.

The easiest way to establish contact with such a child is through unusual toys, objects, gifts, but at the same time, adoptive parents need to take into account the child’s age, gender, interests, and level of development. Often, in order to establish contact with a child, adults have to “give up principles”, as if to follow the child’s lead, to indulge his desires, since it is difficult to gain the favor of a little person with prohibitions and restrictions during this period. For example, many children from an orphanage are afraid to sleep alone, to remain in a room without adults. Therefore, at first you have to either take the child into your bedroom or stay with him until he falls asleep. Disciplining educational restrictions and punishments will have to be applied later, when such a child gets used to new conditions and accepts adults as his own family. It is necessary to accustom a child to a regime, a new order in these conditions, tactfully but persistently, constantly reminding him of what he has forgotten. This is natural for any person, even an adult, who finds himself in new conditions. Therefore, at first, the child should not be overloaded with various rules and instructions, but one should not deviate from one’s requirements either.

Many new people appear in the child’s environment, whom he is unable to remember. He sometimes forgets where dad and mom are, doesn’t immediately say what their names are, confuses names, family relationships, asks again: “What’s your name?”, “Who is this?” This is not evidence of poor memory, but is explained by the abundance of impressions that the child is not able to assimilate in a short time. a short time being in a new environment. And at the same time, quite often, sometimes completely unexpectedly and, it would seem, at the most inopportune time, children remember their former parents, episodes and facts from their previous life. They begin to share their impressions spontaneously, but if you specifically ask about their previous life, they are reluctant to answer or speak. Therefore, you should not focus on this and allow the child to throw out his feelings and experiences associated with his previous life. The conflict that a child experiences, not knowing with whom he should identify himself, can be so strong that he is unable to identify himself either with his previous family or with his current one. In this regard, it will be very useful for the child to help him analyze his own feelings underlying such a conflict.

The emotional difficulties of a child are that finding a family is accompanied by the experience of joy and anxiety at the same time. This leads many children into a feverishly excited state. They become fussy, restless, grab onto many things and cannot concentrate on one thing for a long time. During this period, curiosity and curiosity awakened in the child by circumstances become a gratifying phenomenon. cognitive interests. Questions about everything that surrounds him literally pour out of him like a fountain. The adult’s task is not to brush aside these questions and patiently explain at an accessible level everything that interests and worries him. Gradually, as the cognitive needs associated with the new environment are satisfied, these questions will dry up, since much will become clear to the child and he will be able to figure out some of it himself.

There are children who, in the first week, withdraw into themselves, experience fear, become gloomy, have difficulty making contact, talk to almost no one, do not part with old things and toys, are afraid of losing them, often cry, become apathetic, depressed, or adults’ attempts to establish interaction are responded to with aggression. In international adoption at this stage, a language barrier arises, which greatly complicates contacts between the child and adults. The first delights from new things and toys give way to misunderstanding, and when left alone, children and parents begin to feel burdened by the impossibility of communication and resort to gestures and expressive movements. When meeting people who speak their native language, children distance themselves from their parents, asking them not to leave them or to take them in with them. Therefore, adoptive parents should take into account the possibility of such difficulties in mutual adaptation and prepare in advance to find the necessary means to quickly eliminate them.

The second period of adaptation is adaptive. It lasts from two to four months. Having become accustomed to new conditions, the child begins to look for a line of behavior that would satisfy the adoptive parents. At first, he obeys the rules almost unquestioningly, but, gradually getting used to it, he tries to behave as before, taking a closer look at what others like and don’t like. There is a very painful breaking of the existing stereotype of behavior. Therefore, adults should not be surprised by the fact that the previously cheerful and active child suddenly becomes capricious, cries often and for a long time, begins to fight with his parents or with his acquired brother and sister, and the gloomy and withdrawn person begins to show interest in his surroundings, especially when no one is watching him, and acts on the sly. Some children show regression in behavior, they lose existing positive skills: they stop following the rules of hygiene, stop speaking or begin to stutter, and they may experience a recurrence of previously existing health problems. This is an objective indicator of the significance for the child of previous relationships, which make themselves felt at the psychosomatic level.

Adoptive parents should keep in mind that the child may clearly lack the skills and habits necessary for living in a family. Children stop liking brushing their teeth, making the bed, tidying up toys and things if they were not accustomed to this before, since the novelty of impressions has disappeared. During this period, the personality of the parents, their ability to communicate, and their ability to establish a trusting relationship with the child begins to play a major role. If adults have managed to win over the child, then he refuses the fact that he does not receive their support. If the adults chose the wrong educational tactics, the child slowly begins to do everything “to spite them.” Sometimes he looks for an opportunity to return to his previous way of life: he starts asking to see the kids, remembers his teachers. Older children sometimes run away from their new family.

During the second period of adaptation in the adoptive family, psychological barriers are very clearly revealed: incompatibility of temperaments, character traits, habits, memory problems, underdeveloped imagination, narrow-mindedness and knowledge about the environment, lag in the intellectual sphere.

Children raised in orphanages develop their own ideal family; each one lives with the expectation of a mother and father. This ideal is associated with a feeling of celebration, walks, and playing together. Adults, busy with everyday problems, sometimes do not find time for the child, leaving him alone with himself, considering him big and completely independent, capable of finding something to do to his liking. Sometimes, on the contrary, they overprotect the child, controlling his every step. All this complicates the process of a child’s entry into a new social environment and the emergence of emotional attachment to adoptive parents.

Pedagogical barriers become significant during this period:
- lack of knowledge among parents about the characteristics of age;
- inability to establish contact and trusting relationships with the child;
- an attempt to rely on one’s life experience, on the fact that “we were raised this way”;
- a difference in views on education and the influence of authoritarian pedagogy is revealed;
- striving for an abstract ideal;
- overestimated or, conversely, underestimated demands on the child.

Successful overcoming of the difficulties of this period is evidenced by a change not only in the child’s behavior, but also in the external appearance: the expression of his face changes, it becomes more meaningful, animated, and “blooms.” In international adoptions, it has been repeatedly noted that the child’s hair begins to grow, all allergic phenomena disappear, and the symptoms of previous diseases disappear. He begins to perceive his foster family as his own, tries to “fit into” the rules that existed in it even before his arrival.

The third stage is addiction. Children remember the past less and less often. The child feels good in the family, he hardly remembers his previous life, appreciating the benefits of being in the family, attachment to his parents appears, and reciprocal feelings arise.

If the parents were unable to find an approach to the child, all the previous personality shortcomings (aggressiveness, isolation, disinhibition) or unhealthy habits (theft, smoking, the desire to wander) begin to clearly manifest themselves in him. Each child is looking for his own way of psychological protection from everything that does not suit him in a foster family.

Difficulties in adapting to adoptive parents can make themselves felt in adolescence, when the child awakens interest in his “I”, the history of his appearance. Adopted children want to know who their real parents are, where they are, and there is a desire to look at them. This creates emotional barriers in the parent-child relationship. They arise even when the relationship between the child and the adoptive parents is excellent. The children's behavior changes: they withdraw into themselves, hide, start writing letters, go on searches, and ask everyone who is somehow related to their adoption. Alienation may arise between adults and children, and the sincerity and trust of the relationship may temporarily disappear.

Experts say that what older age child, the more dangerous it is for him mental development adoption. It is assumed that the child’s desire to find his true (biological) parents plays a large role in this. In approximately 45% of adopted children, mental disorders, according to a number of authors, are associated with the child’s constant thoughts about his real parents. Therefore, families raising children should be aware of the specific skills that they will have to learn first. Adoptive parents need skills to establish and maintain relationships with adoption agencies. In addition, they must be able to interact with legal authorities during the adoption of a child.

What determines the duration of the adaptation period? Are the barriers that arise in the process always so complex and are their occurrence necessary? It is quite natural that these questions cannot but worry adoptive parents. Therefore, they should learn several immutable truths that will help them cope with the difficulties of the adaptation period in the family.

Firstly, it all depends on the individual characteristics of the child and the individual characteristics of the parents. Secondly, much is determined by the quality of the selection of candidates for adoptive parents for a particular child. Thirdly, the preparedness of both the child himself for changes in life and the parents for the characteristics of their children is of great importance. Fourthly, the degree of psychological and pedagogical education of adults about relationships with children and their ability to competently use this knowledge in their educational practice is important.

Features of upbringing in a foster family.
When adopting a child, adoptive parents will need the ability to create a positive family environment for the child. This means that they must not only help the child adapt to new conditions and feel like a full member of the family that adopted him. At the same time, new parents should help the child understand his family of origin and not interrupt contacts with it, since quite often it is very important for children to know that they still have natural parents, who are, as it were, an integral part of their ideas about themselves. to yourself.

Adoptive parents may also need skills to interact with older children if, before adoption, they lived in certain child care institutions that replaced their family. Therefore, they could have individual emotional problems, which the adoptive parents would be able to cope with only if they had special knowledge and parenting skills. The adoptive parents and the adopted child may come from different racial and ethnic backgrounds. Appropriate parenting skills can help adopted or adopted children cope with feelings of separation and disconnection from their old world.

Sometimes fostered children may not know how to communicate with their adoptive parents due to poor relationships in their own family. They expect to be harshly punished for minor infractions or that adults won't care what they do as long as they don't interfere. Some children may be hostile toward their stepparents because they either feel like everyone is conspiring to take them away from their family or because they cannot cope with the anger, fear, and hurtful feelings they have toward their parents. own parents. Or children may become hostile to themselves and do things that are primarily harmful to themselves. They may try to hide or deny these feelings by withdrawing from their adoptive parents or being completely indifferent to them.

The feeling of confusion that children experience, on the one hand, due to feelings of love and longing for their family and, on the other hand, hatred of their parents and themselves for imaginary and real actions, is very painful. Being in a state of emotional stress, these children may commit aggressive actions towards their adoptive parents. All this should be known to those who have decided to take the serious step of adopting a child who has separated from his family of origin.

In addition, the child may have mental, mental and emotional disabilities, which will also require specific knowledge and skills from the adoptive parents.

Very often, children, especially those under ten years of age, absolutely do not understand why they are taken away from their own family and placed to be raised in someone else’s. Therefore, later they begin to fantasize or come up with various reasons, which in itself is destructive. Often emotional condition children are characterized by a whole range of negative experiences: love for parents is mixed with a feeling of disappointment, because it was their antisocial lifestyle that led to separation; feeling of guilt for what is happening; low self-esteem; expectation of punishment or indifference on the part of adoptive parents, aggression, etc. This “trail” of negative experiences follows the child into the adoptive family, even if the child has been in the center for a long time and has undergone a course of rehabilitation and preparation for life in a new surroundings. It is also obvious that these experiences inevitably influence the atmosphere of the foster family, requiring a revision of the existing relationships between its members, mutual concessions, specific knowledge and skills. With a high degree of probability, we can conclude that parents who are able to understand the essence of the new relationships into which they enter, who have taken the initiative in this process, will be able to better predict and analyze the process of education, which will ultimately lead to a creative and successful family life.

Most of the responsibility for the process of social formation of the child, as well as his personal and psychological development lies with the adoptive parents.

Both adopted children and adoptive parents, as well as their natural children, also need time to adapt to the habits and characteristics of the child taken into care. At the same time, natural children no less than adopted children need to protect their interests and rights. In the development of relations between an adopted child and natural children, it is very important that the latter have the right to vote in the decision to accept another child into the family. Native children can provide invaluable assistance in caring for him if they, firstly, understand the importance of the task they are performing and, secondly, are confident that they have a strong position in the family. Very often, natural children are much better than parents in helping a newcomer get used to the family’s daily routine, express his feelings, get to know neighbors, etc. Natural children can serve as an example for an adopted child of interaction with parents, especially if the adopted child’s relationship with adults is in its the old family left much to be desired.

A difficult situation arises in a foster family, in which parents constantly compare their children with their adopted ones. At the moment of comparison, the “bad” child is forced to be bad and unconsciously acts badly. Parents become wary, begin to educate, prohibit, threaten - hence again a bad deed out of fear that they will refuse it.

Therefore, it is necessary to dwell separately on the nature of parent-child relationships in those families that, for various reasons, after a certain time, abandon their adopted child and return him to the orphanage. Features characteristic of this group of families appear primarily when studying the motives family education and parental positions.

Two large groups of educational motives can be distinguished. Motives, the emergence of which is largely connected with the life experience of parents, with the memories of their own childhood experiences, with their personal characteristics. And the motives of education, which arise to a greater extent as a result of marital relationships.

The first category includes the following motives:
- education as the realization of the need for achievement;
- education as the realization of highly valuable ideals or certain qualities;
- education as the realization of the need for the meaning of life.

This division of motives for upbringing in a foster family is, of course, conditional. In the real life of a family, all these motivational tendencies, emanating from one or both parents and from their marital relationships, are intertwined in daily interaction with the child, in the existence of each family. However, the above distinction is useful, since it allows, when constructing a correction of motivational structures, to make the personality of the parents the center of psychological influence in one family, and in another to direct the influence to a greater extent on marital relationships.

Let us consider the situation of parents of adopted children, for whom education has become the main activity, the motive of which is to realize the need for meaning in life. As is known, the satisfaction of this need is associated with justifying for oneself the meaning of one’s existence, with a clear, practically acceptable and deserving of the approval of the person himself, the direction of his actions. For parents who have adopted children, the meaning of life is filled with caring for the child. Parents do not always realize this, believing that the purpose of their life is completely different. They feel happy and joyful only in direct communication with the child and in matters related to caring for him. Such parents are characterized by an attempt to create and maintain an excessively close personal distance with their adopted child. Growing up and the associated age-related and natural distance of the child from his adoptive parents, the increase in the subjective importance of other people for him is unconsciously perceived as a threat to his own needs. Such parents are characterized by the position of “living instead of the child,” so they strive to merge their lives with the lives of their children.

A different, but no less alarming, picture is observed among parents of adopted children, whose main motive for raising them arose largely as a result of marital relations. Usually, even before marriage, women and men had certain, fairly expressed emotional expectations (attitudes). Thus, women, due to their personal characteristics, felt the need to love and take care of a man. Men, due to the same characteristics, predominantly felt the need for care and love for themselves from a woman. It may seem that such compatible expectations will lead to a happy, mutually satisfying marriage. In any case, at the beginning of their life together, acceptably warm and friendly relations prevailed between the spouses. But the one-sided expectations of the husband and wife in relation to each other became more and more obvious and gradually led to a worsening of emotional relations in the family.

An attempt by one of the spouses to change the nature of their expectations in relation to the other, for example, to make them the opposite or mutual (harmonious), met with opposition. The family begins to “fever.” Consent is violated, mutual accusations, reproaches, suspicions, and conflict situations arise. Problems in intimate relationships between spouses are beginning to worsen more and more clearly. A “struggle for power” occurs, ending with the refusal of one of the spouses to renounce claims to dominance and the victory of the other, establishing a rigid type of influence. The structure of relationships in the family becomes fixed, rigid and formalized, or a redistribution of family roles occurs. In some cases, there may be a real threat of family breakdown.

In such a situation, the problems and difficulties that arise in raising adopted children are, in the main social directions, the same as those that arise when raising natural children. Some people who want to foster a child judge him by his external appearance, without taking into account his previous experiences. Adopted children taken from dysfunctional families are usually weak, suffering from malnutrition, uncleanliness of their parents, chronic runny nose, etc. They do not have childishly serious eyes, they are experienced and closed. Among them there are apathetic, dull children, some of them, on the contrary, are very restless, annoyingly imposing contact with adults. However, in a family, sooner or later these characteristics of neglected children disappear; children change so much that it is difficult to recognize them.

It is clear that we are not talking about beautiful new clothes, which are usually prepared in sufficient quantity for welcoming a child. We are talking about its general appearance, its relationship to the environment. After just a few months of living in a good new family, the child looks like a confident, healthy, cheerful and joyful person.

Some doctors and psychologists are of the opinion that it is better not to tell new parents much about the fate and blood parents of the child, so as not to frighten them and force them to live in anxiety, in anticipation of some undesirable manifestations in the child. Some adoptive parents themselves refuse to receive information about the child, assuming that without it they will become more attached to him. However, based on practical experience, it can be argued that it is better for adoptive parents to find out all the basic information about the child.

First of all, it is necessary to find out about the child’s capabilities and prospects, about his skills, needs and difficulties in upbringing. This information should not disturb new parents or cause them anxiety. On the contrary, this data should give them confidence that nothing will surprise them, and they will not learn something that parents usually know about their own child. The awareness of parents should facilitate the quick choice of their correct position in relation to the child, the choice of the correct method of education, which will help them form a real, optimistic view of the child and the process of his upbringing.

So, the adopted child came to a new family. This significant and joyful event is at the same time a serious test. If there are other children in the family, then the parents usually do not expect complications; they are calm, as they rely on their existing experience of upbringing. However, they may also be unpleasantly surprised and disoriented by, for example, the fact that the child does not have hygiene skills or does not fall asleep well, wakes up the whole family at night, that is, requires a lot of patience, attention and care from parents. Unfortunately, some parents react inappropriately to this first critical moment, comparing their adopted children with their relatives, not in favor of the adopted children. Sighing and saying something like that in front of children is very dangerous for the entire future life together.

If parents do not have children, then the situation arises somewhat different. Usually, adoptive parents who have never had children of their own, before adopting a foster child, study many articles and brochures, but look at everything only “theoretically”, with a certain concern for practice. The first adopted child poses many more tasks for parents than the first natural child, since the adopted child surprises with his habits and demands, because he has not lived in this family since the day of his birth. Adoptive parents face a difficult task: understanding the child’s individuality. The smaller the child, the sooner he gets used to the new family. However, the adopted child’s attitude towards the family is initially wary, primarily due to his anxiety about losing his family. This feeling occurs even in children of that age at which they cannot yet fully understand this feeling and speak about it in words.

The process of an adopted child’s integration into a family depends on the personality of the parents who adopted him, on the general family atmosphere, as well as on the child himself, primarily on his age, character and previous experience. Young children, up to about two years old, quickly forget about their previous surroundings. Adults quickly develop a warm attitude towards a small child.

Children from two to five years old remember more; some things remain in their memory for the rest of their lives. The child relatively quickly forgets the environment of the orphanage, social rehabilitation center (shelter). If he became attached to some teacher there, then he can remember her for quite a long time. Gradually, the new teacher, that is, his mother, becomes the closest person to him in her daily contact with the child. A child's memories of his family depend on the age at which he was taken from that family.

In most cases, children retain bad memories of the parents who left them, so at first they are distrustful of adults in the family that has adopted them. Some children take a defensive position, some show a tendency to deception, to rude behavior, that is, to what they saw around them in their own family. However, there are children who remember with sadness and tears their parents, even those who abandoned them, most often their mother. For adoptive parents, this condition causes anxiety: will this child get used to them?

Such fears are unfounded. If a child in his memories shows a positive attitude towards his birth mother, then it will be absolutely wrong to correct his views or statements in connection with this displeasure. On the contrary, we should be glad that the child’s feelings were not dulled, because his mother at least partially satisfied his basic physical and psychological needs.

You can ignore the child’s memories of his family. In response to his possible questions, it is better, without remembering his own mother, to say that he now has new mom who will always take care of him. This explanation, and most importantly a friendly, affectionate approach, can calm the child. After some time, his memories will fade, and he will become deeply attached to his new family.

Children over five years old remember a lot from their past. Schoolchildren have especially rich social experience, since they had their own teachers and classmates. If from the day of his birth the child was under the care of certain children's institutions, then the foster family is at least the fifth living situation for him. This certainly disrupted the formation of his personality. If a child lived in his own family until he was five years old, then the situations he experienced left a certain mark that must be taken into account when eliminating various unwanted habits and skills. From the very beginning, the upbringing of such children must be approached with great tolerance, consistency, consistency in relationships, and understanding. Under no circumstances should you resort to cruelty. You cannot squeeze such a child into the framework of your ideas, insist on demands that exceed his capabilities.

School performance usually improves after moving into a family, as children want to please their parents. You can observe in adopted children who enjoy living in a new family the ability to suppress their memories of their family of origin and the orphanage. They don't like to talk about the past.

Adoptive parents are usually faced with the question of whether or not to tell their child about his or her origins. This does not apply to those children who came into the family at an age when they remember all the people who surrounded them in early childhood. With a very young child, adoptive parents are often tempted to keep silent about his past. The views of specialists and the experience of adoptive parents clearly indicate that there is no need to hide things from the child.

The awareness and understanding of an informed child can subsequently protect him from any tactless remark or hint from others, and preserve his confidence in his family.

It is also necessary to answer openly and truthfully to children who want to know about their place of birth. A child may not return to this topic for a long time, and then suddenly he develops a desire to find out details about his past. This is not a symptom of a weakening relationship with the adoptive parents. Even less does such curiosity act as a desire to return to one’s original family. This is nothing more than a child’s natural desire to connect together all the facts known to him, to realize the continuity of his development as a person.

The manifestation of emerging social consciousness quite naturally appears, as a rule, after eleven years. When adults talk to a child about his past, under no circumstances should he speak disparagingly about his former family. The child may feel insulted. However, he must clearly know why he could not remain among his former environment, that his upbringing by another family was his salvation. Child school age able to understand his life situation. If the child does not understand it, you can get into a difficult situation. This is especially true for pedagogically ignorant parents. The child may react chaotically, with dissatisfaction to manifestations of pity and tenderness towards him and have difficulty enduring the demands of his adoptive parents. It is even possible, due to the demands placed on him, usual for a normal family, that he may yearn for his past, regardless of the suffering he has experienced. In that family, he was free from responsibilities and was not responsible for his actions.

When talking with a child about his past, it is necessary to show skill: tell him the whole truth and not offend him, help him understand everything and comprehend it correctly. The child must internally agree with reality, only then will he not return to it. It is advisable to begin creating “traditions” when a child arrives in a foster family, which will help strengthen his attachment to the new family (for example, an album with photographs). The creation of family traditions is facilitated by the celebration of a child’s birthday, since previously he hardly knew about such joyful experiences.

In this regard, it is necessary to pay attention to mutual appeals. In most cases, children call their adoptive parents the same as their natural parents: mom, dad, or as is customary in the family. Young children are taught conversion. They repeat it after their older children, feeling an internal need for it. Older children who have already approached their natural parents in this way do not need to be forced; they will gradually do it themselves over time. In rare cases, the child addresses his adoptive mother and father as “aunt” and “uncle.” This is possible, for example, in children about ten years old who loved and remember their natural parents well. It is quite clear that the stepmother, no matter how well she treats the children, will not be able to call them mother for a long time.

If a family that wishes to adopt an adopted child has small children, then they must be prepared before the arrival of the adopted son or daughter. Without preparation, young children can become very jealous of a new family member. Much depends on the mother, on her ability to calm her children. If natural children have already reached adolescence, then they should be informed about the parents’ desire to take in another child.

They usually look forward to the arrival of a new family member. It is completely inappropriate to talk about the shortcomings of an adopted son or daughter in the presence of your children, while appreciating his imperfections with a sigh.

In relationships with adopted children, the same problems can arise as in relationships with natural children of one age or another. The development of some children proceeds relatively calmly, while others develop so rapidly that difficulties and problems constantly arise. Children taken into foster care, after overcoming the difficulties of mutual adaptation, as a rule, begin a joyful period of rapid development and the formation of emotional connections. It is advisable for a child under the age of three to be raised by his mother, since after all the experiences he needs to calm down and get along with his family. It is possible that his stay in the nursery will complicate or disrupt the important process of forming the relationship between mother and child. When the child fully adapts to the family, he can attend kindergarten. For many educators, this period brings about another critical moment: the child comes into contact with the children's team. For children who have not attended kindergarten, this critical moment occurs at the beginning of school, when the child is affected by the wider social environment. It is in the best interests of the children that parents need to work closely with kindergarten teachers and teachers. It is advisable to introduce them to the fate and previous development of the adopted child, ask them to pay a little more attention to him, adhering to an individual approach. If a child is observed by a psychologist, then teachers, first of all, to the class teacher, it is necessary to report this, because the psychologist will also need the teacher’s information. In collaboration with the school doctor, they will take care of further development child.

IN preschool age with children there are usually fewer serious problems. Sometimes, due to delays in speech development, children encounter children's team with language difficulties because they cannot understand each other. We need to pay attention to this and correct it if possible.

Before entering school, children undergo a medical examination. If the doctor and psychologist who are monitoring the child, after an examination, advise sending him to school only after a year, then, of course, you should not resist this advice. It must be borne in mind that enrollment in school is sometimes postponed for various reasons and for native children who have had incomparable Better conditions for development. Such a decision will help level out the gap in the child’s general development and create conditions for building self-confidence. The child will then be able to assimilate better, without stress. school material. The possibility of completely correcting a child’s pronunciation and diction before entering school should not be underestimated. Foster parents need to visit a speech therapist with their child before school.

Some children, before entering school, exhibit very specific signs of health and development that indicate the need for their education in a special school. However, sometimes they try to teach them in a regular school first and only then transfer them to a special school. When a child taken into a family experiences a similar situation, some parents, warned about this possibility even before the child was handed over to them, panic from disappointment. It `s naturally. All parents try to ensure that their child achieves as much as possible. However, what is more and what is better?

When a child is overloaded in a regular school without taking into account his physical and mental capabilities, then, despite all efforts, he will have low academic performance, he will be forced to repeat the second year, and therefore he will not experience the joy of learning, since he developed a negative attitude towards school and education in general. In a special school, the same child may become a good student without much effort, excel in manual labor, in physical exercise, or demonstrate his artistic abilities. Inclusion in the labor process of a student who has graduated from a completely special school is much easier than that of a student who dropped out of school in the 6th or 7th grade of a regular school.

After a child is enrolled in school (no matter which one), new worries arise in the family. In some families, they are more attentive to their children’s academic performance, while others are more attentive to their behavior, since some children have problems with learning, while others have problems with behavior. Academic performance must be judged from the point of view of the child's abilities. It would be good for adoptive parents to talk about this with a psychologist, consult with a teacher, so that they know what the child is capable of. There is no need to be too pedantic when assessing the behavior of an adopted child. It is known that our own children present some “surprises” from time to time. It is important to form in a child a sense of responsibility, an honest attitude towards work, towards people, to cultivate such moral qualities as truthfulness, devotion, responsibility, which we strive to develop in children in our society.

In the everyday life of a foster family, it is necessary to set educational goals in the form of specific tasks for the child. Sometimes an angry parent, discussing with his adopted child some of his misconduct, in a fit of indignation makes a big mistake: he reproaches the child, reminding him that he cannot afford something, since the order in this house is not the same as in his home, that he now lives in a decent family, etc. A child can become so embittered against a parent who brings up his past that he commits a serious offense. In any case, parents are saved by calmness and prudence, thoughtfulness of the thoughts expressed, and the desire to help the child correct his mistakes.

Observing a child and stating his characteristics without taking into account previous living conditions, without the dynamics, quality of achievements and shortcomings in his development can lead to a serious mistake. Such imprisonment may forever deprive the child of the opportunity to enter a new family.

A psychologist's opinion should help people choose an environment for an orphaned child that would optimally help his development.

Applicants who wish to foster a child also undergo a psychological examination. However, many people are surprised and even feel insulted that they have to undergo a psychological examination. If a couple or a single person really wants to have a child in their family and are reasonable people, then they easily understand the importance and necessity of a psychological examination. If applicants abandon their plan to raise a child only because they do not want to undergo a psychological examination, then it is quite obvious that their need to have a child is not strong enough, and perhaps not sincere. In such a case, it will be much better if these people abandon their intention.

The tasks of a psychological examination include diagnosing the motives for the decision to take a child into the family, the relationship between spouses, finding out the consistency in their views, the balance of their marriage, the harmony of the family environment, etc. Clarity in such matters is an important prerequisite for the successful development of the child.

There are several stages in the formation of a foster family: the first stage is resolving issues directly related to the forming foster family. It is important to find not ideal people, but those who treat children kindly. It is important for adoptive parents to realize that they have time and emotional space for their adopted child.

At the first stage of forming adoptive families, it is necessary to talk with the own children of the future adoptive parents, find out their attitude towards the arrival of new family members in the family. It is important that such problems in the family are resolved: how parents expect to leave the child while they go to work, what he will do alone at home.

It is also important to discuss issues such as alcohol use in the family, as this may be a factor in the failure of adoptive parents to fulfill the most important family functions. Adoptive parents must learn or be able to recognize the child’s problems and find ways to solve these problems (they must understand what is behind the child’s problematic behavior). We must live with a positive attitude towards the adopted child and cooperation with him.

The next important stage in the formation of a foster family is the stage related to identifying (identifying and understanding) the problems of the adopted child and ways to solve them. It should be taken into account that many children in foster care come from “difficult” families and therefore carry their characteristics and their problems. Therefore, adoptive parents should be prepared for the fact that they will most likely have to first solve the long-standing problems of their adopted children and only then move on to the implementation of their educational tasks, which they defined for themselves even before the adoption of the child. Without this, the process of establishing a favorable psychological climate in the family and trusting relationships between new parents and adopted children will not be fruitful.

Adoptive parents can be married couples with or without children (no age limit, although it is desirable that they be able-bodied people), single-parent families, single people (women, men under 55), persons in an unregistered marriage. Depending on which family in its original form adopted the child, in addition to those discussed above, problems characteristic of these types of family organization may arise in the child-parent relationship. Therefore, adoptive parents should keep in mind that they will have to face a double burden of psychological difficulties in family relationships. In this regard, a problem arises that is relevant mainly for adoptive families - the problem of special training for adoptive parents.

In such training, two interrelated stages can be distinguished: before adoption and after they make the decision to adopt and implement this decision. Each of these stages is fundamentally different in the content of training for adoptive parents.

Training foster parents before they accept a child gives them time to reconsider the consequences of taking on the responsibility of raising someone else's children. Typically, the corresponding program focuses on the interaction of adoptive parents and official institutions, problems caused by the child’s feeling of isolation from his family of origin and associated emotional experiences, as well as communication with the child’s natural parents (if such an opportunity exists). This training helps adoptive parents decide for themselves whether they can cope with the difficult burden that they voluntarily place on themselves.

The training of adoptive parents after they have accepted someone else’s child into care is focused mainly on issues of child development, methods of maintaining family discipline and behavior management, interaction skills and deviant behavior problems. Such a different orientation of these two types of training for foster parents is explained by the fact that everyday life with someone else's child leaves a big imprint on the whole family life. Foster parents need to understand the need for training and prioritize the information they can directly rely on in their daily practice. Among the problems that should be given special attention are the following:
- training parents to interact with children with emotional, physical or mental disabilities;
- mastering by parents the skills of relationships with children experiencing learning difficulties;
- assimilation of information and mastery of special skills about interaction with teenagers (especially those with previous convictions);
- acquiring the necessary skills to establish contact with young children;
- mastering the experience of interaction and providing the necessary psychological support to street children who have experienced cruel treatment by adults.

When organizing training for adoptive parents, one should keep in mind the fact that they may have different levels of education, different social and financial status. Some of them are certified specialists with permanent jobs, others have only secondary education and work that does not require high qualifications. Currently, most foster parents (at least one of them), in addition to raising other people's children, are engaged in some other type of activity. However, they should not forget that raising children should be considered as a type of professional activity that requires special training. Therefore, when training adoptive parents (as well as parents of relatives), they should be oriented to the fact that such training cannot be superficial and short-term and immediately give practical results. They will have to learn the parental profession all their lives, because the child grows and changes, and therefore the forms of interaction with him and the types of pedagogical influences must change. In addition, a foster parent, taking in someone else's child, must understand that he will simply need to share his experience with other interested parties, including social service workers. Adoptive parents, planning their activities in accordance with the needs of the child, must be able to work together with consultants, doctors, teachers and other specialists in order to learn how to resolve the problems that they will encounter in raising adopted children and eliminate the difficulties that naturally arise in any family.